I want a joke! speed!!!!!!!!!

1. A true romantic proposal should look like this: A handsome man invited 10 colleagues to dinner, including his

favorite girl. Halfway through the meal, he suddenly stood up and walked to mm, then moved the chair where mm was sitting 90 degrees to face him. At this moment, mm's mouth was filled with all kinds of food... ...At this time, he suddenly took out 4 wads of money from his pocket and said: "This is a deposit of 40,000 yuan. Will you marry me?" mm was stunned immediately, and tears of excitement burst into her eyes. , she whimpered and took out the money detector

and said after a moment: "These are all true - I do!" (Tong Zhou *** Ji)

2. Just now I went to the train station to buy a ticket, but came back empty-handed. On the way I saw a slogan: Chengdu is a place you don’t want to leave once you’ve arrived

Now I finally understand the “meaning” of this sentence! Chengdu, please put me on the train tonight! (Blue Starry Sky)

3. Award notification: Under the leadership of the principal, the support of the Academic Affairs Office, the cooperation of the logistics department, and the teachings of the instructors, three students from our school

Won the first prize in the ** Cup Essay Competition held by Tianjin universities. Due to limited space, the surnames of the winning students will be notified separately! (I love Nankai)

4. Four students were playing mahjong in the dormitory. Suddenly the police broke in and took away all five people... (Peking University Unnamed)

5. Jiajue once said to me privately: "A knife that is extremely blunt is the most lethal - because it is a hammer!" (Tianya Nestlé

University Campus)

6 After the conductor desperately pushed the last passenger onto the bus, the passenger turned around and kindly advised: "Sister, please don't be so crowded. If you really can't get on, let's wait for the next bus." ..." (Shuimu Community)

7. At the school job fair, a written test question from Michelin (which makes tires) was: Why won't birds get electrocuted when standing on high-voltage wires?

A classmate in my dormitory replied: Because it is wearing Michelin rubber shoes! (Please mark Tianya Happy Paradise when reprinting)

As a result, he was the only undergraduate student accepted in the school... (Drink water and think of the source)

8. During the military training in the university, I met an instructor and the whole class was He "fixed" it badly. At the end of the military training, in order to celebrate the "liberation", everyone enthusiastically threw the beloved instructor into the air. When he landed happily, he found that everyone below had disappeared... (

< p>Drink water and remember its source)

9. Roommate: Why did Chang'e rush to the moon? (I love Nankai)

Me: Hou Yi shot for nine days, even an immortal couldn’t stand it! ! !

10. When I returned to the dormitory, I saw the man who was taking the postgraduate entrance examination writing furiously on the table, while the man who was studying for the postgraduate entrance examination was concentrating on the computer. I asked: "What are you two busy with?

?"

The postgraduate entrance examination man replied: "I'm looking at advanced mathematics!"

The postgraduate entrance examination man said: "me too..." (hidden taboo, Gulang Tingtao)

11. A certain Chinese commercial blockbuster was translated in Japan as: "The High-class Woman of the Tang Dynasty with Super Big Breasts·Dancing with Ecstasy in the Golden Armor" & "Incest·The Stepmother's Chrysanthemum Wails for Five Generations" "Ten Kingdoms". (Shuimu Community)

12. The kid next door finally vowed to lose weight - at the graduation job fair, someone said to him: "Brother, let me go, you

are blocking me The mobile phone signal is up~” (Shui Mu Community)

13. One pig said to another pig: “People say we are pigs, let’s break up!” (Peking University Weiming)

< p>14. Editor: Write an article that not only breaks secular ethics, but also contains many years of grievances and grievances between Jianghu sects. At the same time, the plot should be gripping and full of bloodshed. Come to such a miniature martial arts novel. The work was handed in the next day, and the whole text only had ten words

: Bald donkey! How dare you steal the teacher's wife from a poor man~ (Tianya Happy Paradise, author: chai2001)

15. A freshman was pocketed when he got off the train in Harbin. When he was frustrated, he saw someone waving to him not far away. When he passed by, the person had disappeared, leaving only his wallet that had just been taken out on the ground.

The freshmen hurriedly opened it to check and found that in addition to the money

the ID cards, bank cards, and especially the freshman registration card were all still there, and there was also a line of chalk writing on the ground next to them

: Although life is difficult, thieves still have their ways! (Lilac)

16. When I went shopping, I found a shop filled with all kinds of clothes. On the glass at the door was a sign: Big reward for opening a shop, high-end suits

30 yuan/set, 5 yuan/piece of shirt... I feel inexplicably happy: Such a good thing has finally caught up with me! So I hurriedly rushed in, and the moment I walked in, I looked up and saw: a dry cleaning shop! (Shuimu Community)

17. Today I went to school to receive my graduation certificate. I was so happy that I grabbed a friend who was passing by and asked: "Hey, what is the name of this school?

Coming?" The guy glared at me and said, "How do I know? I'm only a freshman!" (Tianya Happy Garden Author: Qi Tian)

18. After a hard day’s work, every night when I go home and open the door, I always feel a little bit of anticipation: suddenly a person jumps out from the door, comes up to me with a smile and blindfolds me...* ^_^*Of course it’s just a wild thought, if true, he might be a thief~ (Tianya

Author of Happy Paradise: the little brother of the selling poster)

19. Freshmen start school, one buddy Carrying luggage to our dormitory, he asked the boss who was sleeping on the lower bunk: "No one lives in your upper bunk, right?" The boss was confused and didn't care, and casually replied: "No!" Then After hearing this, the buddy used all his strength to throw a large bag of luggage onto the upper bunk - but it turned out that the upper bunk had no bed board! (Shuimu Community)

20. A couple told the old doctor with a sad face that they had been married for ten years and still had no children. After examining their bodies, the old doctor was surprised to find that this woman was still a virgin! After the two described their sex life, the old doctor suddenly realized that after ten years they still only knew how to have anal sex! After the couple understood the whole story, they also felt very embarrassed. At this time, the old doctor comforted him: "It's nothing, it's just that you haven't gone to college!" The husband asked in confusion: "Ah, did you go to school?"

Is this what you need to study in college?" The old doctor replied calmly: "Going to college => very boring => buying a computer => watching *** => even more boring

=>See more***... After a few rounds, will college students still make stupid mistakes like you?" After hearing this, the husband lowered his head in shame and asked what to do. Looking at the innocent middle-aged couple, the old doctor casually took out a dozen Wu Tenglan films from the drawer and said, "You should study first.

"At this time, the wife blushed and said: "Actually...we also watched some...educational films and pornographic films..." The old doctor said impatiently: "The ones you watched must only cover up... It's secretive, very boring, or else

it's just a dirty look, you can just watch whatever I tell you to watch! "A month later, the wife was pregnant! The husband knelt in front of the old doctor and said with tears in his eyes a wise saying that is still circulated today: If you don't know Wu Tenglan, read it all

***It’s in vain! (The best of both worlds)

A patient came to a psychiatrist.

Patient: I always feel like I am a bird.

< p>Doctor: Oh. That’s very serious. When did it start?

Patient: Since I was a little bird.

(2)

A doctor at a mental hospital asked a patient: What would happen to you if I cut off one of your ears?

The patient replied: Then I would not be able to hear.

The doctor listened: Yeah, that’s normal.

The doctor asked again: What would happen if I cut off your other ear?

The patient replied: Then I won’t be able to see.

The doctor became nervous. How could he not be able to see?

The patient replied: Because the glasses will fall off.

p>

(3)

Two mental patients escaped from the hospital.

The two ran and ran and climbed into a tree.

p>

One of the people jumped down from the tree.

Rolling and rolling.

Then he raised his head and said to the person above: Hey, why don’t you come down yet? ?

The person above answered him: No-ok-ah

I am not yet familiar with it-

(4)

Nervous There was an old lady in the hospital.

Wearing black clothes every day and holding a black umbrella.

Squatting at the door of the mental hospital.

The doctor thought: To heal her, you must start by understanding her.

So the doctor also wore black clothes, held a black umbrella, and squatted over there with her.

The two of them I squatted in silence for a month.

The old lady finally spoke to the doctor:

Excuse me -

You - too Mushrooms?

(5)

A certain mental hospital heard that the leader was coming to the hospital to inspect the situation, so the director convened a meeting with the patients. At the meeting, the director said: "This afternoon, very important leaders are coming to visit, and everyone must go to the door to welcome them. During the welcome, all patients stand on both sides of the hospital door, standing neatly. When I cough, everyone applauds. The more enthusiastic the better; I must stop when I stamp my feet, and no one can make a mistake. As long as everyone is done, we can eat meat buns for everyone tonight. If one person messes up, no one will have a bun to eat. Remember Are you staying? "The patients in the audience shouted together: "Remember 0

That afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he stepped into the door, the welcoming patients were already standing at the door. At this time, as The director coughed, and all the patients clapped and welcomed him. The atmosphere was very warm. The visiting leaders were infected by the warm atmosphere, smiled, and applauded with everyone and entered the hospital. Seeing that the leaders had already entered the hospital, the director stamped his feet. , all the applause stopped, very neatly. Only this leader was still applauding with a smile on his face and moved forward. The dean was very satisfied. Suddenly, a patient as strong as Schwarzenegger emerged from the welcoming crowd. , strode up to the leader, gave him a big slap in the face, and shouted angrily, "You don't want to eat steamed buns anymore?! 0

(6)

Mental patient A stole the phone number book from the nurse's office back to the ward. He asked B: "What do you think of this novel I recently completed?"

B? After reading the answer: "Not bad, but there are just too many characters."

At this time, the nurse from the mental hospital came in and said: "Put the phone number book back for me1

(7)

A doctor at a mental hospital is going to talk to a mental patient who is about to be discharged from the hospital to confirm whether the patient has fully recovered.

Doctor: You are discharged from the hospital What are you going to do in the future?

Patient: Use stones to beat the people in your hospital

All the window glass was smashed.

After hearing this, the doctor found that the patient had not fully recovered, so he decided to continue treatment. After a few months, the doctor felt that the patient seemed ready to be discharged, so he decided to continue treatment. Talk to him.

Doctor: What are you going to do after you leave the hospital?

Patient: Find a job.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Make money.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Save money.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Get a wife.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: The bridal chamber.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Take off her clothes.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Take off her pants.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Take off her underwear.

Doctor: What next?

Patient: Take out the rubber bands from your underwear, make a slingshot, and find some rocks to smash all the window glass in your hospital.

(8)

< p>Two mental patients A and B recovered at the same time. Their attending doctor said to them: "If one of you gets sick, the other one will send him to the hospital immediately."

Suddenly one day, the doctor's phone rang. It turned out to be Mr. A: "It's terrible. Mr. B has been crawling in my toilet since this morning. He must be my toilet." "Hurry, hurry him up." Here it is. Mr. 1A was silent for a moment: "Then... wouldn't I have no toilet? "

(9)

In a mental hospital, a mental patient fished in an empty fish tank every day.

One day, a nurse jokingly asked: " How many fish did you catch today? "

The mental patient suddenly jumped up and shouted: "There is something wrong with your brain, didn't you see that it was an empty fish tank? ”

(10)

There is a mental hospital where many mental patients live.

One day, the director there wanted to see the recovery of the patients. In response to the situation, I thought of a way. I told these patients, "You all come here." He drew a door on the wall and said, "Today, whoever opens this door can go home."

< p>When the mentally ill patients heard this, they swarmed up and surrounded the door of the painting. The dean felt very disappointed. At this time, he found that a patient was still sitting in the original position and did not move. He thought it was okay, so he stepped forward and asked To: “Why don’t you open the door? "

He looked at the dean and said something. After hearing this, the dean couldn't laugh or cry.

The patient secretly told the dean: "I have the key. ”

(11)

Patients in the psychiatric department of hospitals often have feelings of admiration for doctors or nurses.

One day, a female patient asked someone The male doctor came...

Female patient: Doctor Lan, do you love me?

Doctor Lan thought for a long time (in order not to hurt the patient and prevent the condition from getting worse)

Doctor Lan: Our relationship is between doctor and patient. Because you are sick, I must take good care of you...

(In order not to hurt the patient, Dr. Lan explained for a long time and finally explained End)

Female patient: Doctor Lan, do you mean you don’t love me?

Doctor Lan (thinking hard): Hmm...hmm...hmm ...

Female patient: Fortunately...I love Dr. Chen...

The hilarious parrot

1. Little x went to the bird market. He found a parrot priced at 3 yuan, so he asked the seller: Why is your parrot so cheap?

Seller: Damn it, I have been teaching it for a long time. Until now, I can only say one sentence: Who is it?

Little You don’t know how to believe in religion! So Xiao After a while, a gas bill checker (little z for short) came.

Little z: Dong dong dong... (knock on the door)

Parrot: Who. Yeah?

Little Z: Check the gas.

Parrot: Who is it?

Little Z: Check the gas.

Parrot: Who is it?

Little Z: Gas check

......

At night, Little x came back. I saw a man lying on the ground at the door of my house, foaming at the mouth.

Little x: Yo~! Who is this?

I heard someone say from inside the house: Check the gas.

2. Little x especially likes parrots. One day he went to the bird market and found a parrot selling for 30,000 yuan.

He was very curious, so he asked the buyer: Why is your parrot so expensive? Buyer: My parrot is smart! Can say anything.

When Xiao x heard that it was so smart, he bought it with all his heart.

He was very happy when he got home in the evening. Just play with the parrot.

Little x: I can walk

Parrot: I can walk

Little x: I can run

Parrot: I can run

Little x: I can fly

Parrot: You are bragging!

3. A man kept a parrot, which was so powerful that it killed all the other birds kept with it.

Later the owner brought back an eagle and placed it next to it. When the owner came to take a look, there were parrot feathers hanging outside the cage.

The master said: It’s not awesome this time.

But when I looked carefully, I saw that the eagle was dead, and the parrot was naked and said: This grandson is really powerful. He really can’t beat Ya Ting without taking off his shirt.

4. There was a bird lover who especially liked parrots. One day he passed by a bird shop and found a parrot being auctioned inside.

He saw that the parrot had beautiful fur and decided to buy it, so he shouted: I am willing to pay $10 to buy this parrot!

Then someone shouted: I am willing to pay 20 US dollars!

The bird lover didn’t want to give up the parrot, so he shouted another 30 yuan... But another voice

seemed to be against him, until The bird lover stopped after calling for 200 yuan...

The man was very happy to buy the parrot, but he suddenly thought: I spent so much money to buy this parrot, if it can't If I talk, won’t I lose a lot?

So he went to ask the boss: Boss...can your parrot talk?

Then he heard the parrot shout: Can’t speak? ! Who do you think was bidding on you just now? !

5. A bird dealer has three parrots. A customer came over to take a look, pointed at the first parrot and asked the price.

1,000 yuan, the bird dealer said.

The customer was surprised: So expensive?

Of course, because it will use Windows

What about this one? The customer pointed to the second one.

2000, because it uses UNIX

Oh, what about the third one?

3000. Will it...? The bird dealer shrugged and replied: I don't know what it does. He pointed at the first two parrots,

but they called him 'CEO'.

6. A man was walking on the street and saw a businessman selling parrots. He saw that the parrots were very beautiful and asked the businessman if parrots could talk?

The businessman said: Of course! If you don't believe it, hold its right foot.

The man shook the parrot's right foot as he was told. The parrot said clearly: Hello! Hello!

The man was very happy, and the businessman said again: You can hold his left foot again.

The man shook the parrot's left foot as he was told, and the parrot said clearly: Goodbye, goodbye...

The man was even happier and bought it immediately. Parrot.

I was overjoyed when I got home. I touched the parrot’s left foot for a while, and then touched its right foot for a while.

The parrot also said obediently: Goodbye, hello.

Suddenly he had an idea: What would it say if I held its two feet together?

He held the parrot's two feet.

The parrot said loudly: You want to throw me to death! ?