Youth in the attic

Grandpa Mumu often said to her: "We Mumu, we should study hard and don't live in this small attic with grandpa when we go to big cities in the future."

Every time my grandfather said this, he would wipe his eyes with his frayed cuffs. Mumu always felt sour when she saw her grandfather's cloudy, bloodshot eyes.

She was too young at that time, and it was only a long, long time later that she realized that this sad feeling was just the helplessness of being wronged and unable to change the reality.

Mumu’s attic was temporarily built above grandpa’s shop. It was narrow and crude, and the wood was used perfunctorily.

There was only a small bed and an old sewing machine in the attic. It was left by my deceased grandma. When I was a child, Mumu loved to put her feet on the pedals, even if she couldn't step on them, she would show off. Grandpa always laughs until tears come to his eyes when he sees her. We really look like her grandma.

When Mumu went to school, she would do her homework on the sewing machine, and sometimes she would fall asleep while lying on her stomach. Grandpa closed the door of the shop. When he saw that the light in the attic was still on, he would come up and gently carry Mumu to the bed, and then tiptoe down.

After a long, long time, Mumu left that small attic, and she would still remember that when she was half asleep at that time, her grandfather went downstairs and carefully stepped on the loose wooden boards, which made "squeaky" sounds. The sound; the white walls with pits and exposed concrete blocks in the attic; and the sound of grandpa sleeping soundly when he occasionally got up at night and went downstairs to lie on the old bed in the shop.

Mumu is 10 years old, innocent and carefree, well-behaved and clever. When there were many customers in the soy milk shop, she would stay in the attic without making any noise. Through the cracks in the wooden boards, she could see people coming and going to drink soy milk. Looking at grandpa's waist that has been hunched all day.

Mumu is in junior high school, and grandpa is working even harder. Mumu studies very well, and neighbors praise Mumu as a good boy.

But Mumu smiled very little. Mumu had something on her mind.

Probably, when we were young, our understanding of what we liked always came from one person. This person probably has nothing to do with the years to come, but because of his youth at that time, he became an unavoidable theme in those years.

Mumu has been a careful child since he was a child. After junior high school, he became even more sensitive.

She knew that his name was Qiao Yan and that he worked downstairs. He is very tall and likes to play basketball on the playground. It seems... I saw him when I went downstairs to take out the trash several times on duty.

She doesn’t know what liking means. No one has ever told her what it means to like her.

Girls at that time were always ashamed to admit the word "like". Even if you like it, you have to pretend to be extremely bored. "Oh, you don't know how annoying he is... How can someone be so annoying..." And at that time, hating was equivalent to liking him.

Qiao Yan never seems to go home at noon and often comes to play in her class. Mumu knew that he and Tan Xi in the class were good buddies. Later, Mumu always went home after class, had a quick meal, and then went to school quickly.

When grandpa asked, he said he had some unfinished homework. Only Mumu knew it was because of Qiao Yan.

When they are young, girls are easily attracted to frivolous and proud boys. Probably this kind of coolness satisfies all the mysterious fantasies about the opposite sex in girls’ hearts.

Qiao Yan is such a boy. He is tall but not handsome, and has a sharp tongue and conceitedness. Mumu often only dared to lower her head and glance at him furtively. When she noticed Qiao Yan's gaze, Mumu buried her head lower.

"The legs are short and thick, and the buttocks twist when walking." What Qiao Yan said has been echoing in his ears. When he thinks of it, Mumu's face turns red and his ears heat up.

Grandpa asked in the evening if he felt uncomfortable and why he had been eating less and less recently.

Mumu just shook her head and said she was quite full.

Grandpa said, Mumu, grandpa doesn’t have money to buy you a lot of new clothes and can’t dress you up beautifully. Grandpa is sorry for you...

Mumu hurriedly interrupted Grandpa's words: "Grandpa, it doesn't matter." He turned his head and quickly wiped away his tears.

Too frustrated to speak. Maybe in Qiao Yan's eyes, he was just short and fat. Wearing old clothes all day long, my face is as gray as the grass on the roadside that will always be inconspicuous.

That afternoon, Qiao Yan, who had never spoken to her before, suddenly said such hurtful words. Mumu turned around and saw Qiao Yan's teasing smile, feeling so ashamed that she didn't know where to go.

One morning, Mumu just got up and went down to the attic. Seeing several familiar figures, she recognized Qiao Yan at a glance. The boy next to me is my classmate Tan Xi.

Mumu’s first reaction was to turn around and leave.

"Come on Mumu, these are not all your classmates." Grandpa's enthusiastic greeting made her panic and overwhelmed.

It was as if someone had stripped off all his clothes in the sun, and stood there naked, being watched. The last bit of self-esteem that was left was completely destroyed at this moment.

Mumu turned around and smiled reluctantly, pretending to be natural and bright: "Good morning."

Grandpa said: "Mumu, come and eat too. "It will get cold later." Mumu said, "Okay."

She clearly saw Qiao Yan frowning.

Forget it, he will never like me.

That kind of disappointment is nothing at all for a girl who has been in love many times in the future. But for Mumu at that time, all the happiness and hope in life were extinguished.

Mumu didn’t know how he finished the bowl of soy milk. It was so hot that several blisters appeared in her mouth. It was so hot that tears flowed out and I couldn't hide them.

Tan Xi looked at her in surprise, handed over a tissue, and asked, "Mumu, what's wrong with you?"

Qiao Yan said nothing and looked at her coldly.

Mumu smiled to cover up: "Hey, it's okay, grandpa's soy milk is so delicious."

His silly look, clear eyes, and chubby little face make people laugh. I couldn't help but want to pinch it.

"It's like never drinking soy milk." Qiao Yan's words always seemed to be filled with disdain.

Mumu stood up to clean up with an embarrassed look on his face, while Tan Xi smiled "haha" to smooth things over.

In the next month, Mumu rarely saw Qiao Yan. Even though she went to class very early, she never saw Qiao Yan wandering in the classroom again in the afternoon.

Mumu was pleasantly surprised when she received the order from the tutor.

That was a notice for the radio station to recruit announcers. Mumu is the kind of girl who is well-behaved and studies well. She is not a beauty. She is small and fleshy, with pretty features.

"Go and try it, your voice is very nice." The tutor is a boy who has just graduated, handsome and elegant. He always wears casual clothes and hands over the orders with long fingers.

Mumu looked at the teacher who was like a big brother with gratitude, smiled at him, showing a pair of dimples: "Thank you."

When Mumu stood in front of the window of the broadcast room , overlooking the playground, road, trees, and people walking downstairs... I was in a daze for a few minutes before I came back to my senses.

The person she was looking for was not seen. It’s almost time for class in the afternoon, what? Isn't he here yet?

The senior sister is urging her to broadcast. He looked out the window reluctantly, turned around, and picked up the phone.

After memorizing the content that she had practiced many times, a clear and clean voice came out from the microphone: "This is the school radio station, I am Mumu..."

She didn't know , the midday sun and her clear voice reached the heart of the boy she had been waiting for for a long time.

Qiao Yan rode his bicycle through the tree-lined path shaded by a row of camphor trees. The sunlight fell through the gaps between the leaves and fell on his dark sweatshirt, eyebrows, and eyes. In...

Mumu's voice was just right, "I am Mumu..." "I am Mumu..." Qiao Yan stopped, put his feet on the ground, and listened carefully. Mumu, that girl...

But Mumu didn't know, she thought he couldn't hear her. When the school bell rang, Mumu said on the radio station: "See you next Friday."

Qiao Yan parked his bicycle and walked into the classroom. He was absent-minded in his seat by the window. Looking sideways, he saw Mumu rushing back to class. Thin hair, a childish yet stubborn face. Still so short...but he seems to have lost a lot of weight.

The narrow space in the attic has no limitations on the growth of Mumu. That small space gave Mumu a great sense of security. When you turn around, you can lean against the wall and read a book. The solid feeling is like being hugged by someone. In fact, Mumu desperately longed for a hug, and would only fantasize if it didn't exist.

She thought that if one day, she would be held in his arms, she would be willing to pay any price.

Mumu has grown a little taller and is more silent than before. My grades are getting better and better, and some boys are starting to express their love for me. Grandpa's health is also getting better. Everything seems to be moving in the right direction, except for Qiao Yan.

The whole class was talking about Qiao Yan falling in love with He Chu in the class.

Only Mumu said nothing about this.

He Chu is always a shining girl. Mumu didn't dare to look at her, fearing that in comparison, she would turn into a gray little mouse that couldn't stand on the table.

If you don’t pay attention to this matter, it’s not that you don’t care, it’s that you are too fragile. You are so fragile that you can only hug yourself, cover your ears, and make up excuses to lie to yourself. These are all just rumors.

As the rumors spread, they became true.

Qiao Yan probably never knew that when he held the hand of the princess-like He Chu, there was always a pair of eyes following each other behind them, and a pair of red eyes. Those are Mumu's eyes.

Probably, the person we care about most is not only the person we like, but also the person he likes.

Mumu silently observed He Chu. Children raised in a good family environment are well protected. I have never seen the embarrassment and ugliness in life. The kindness and simplicity from the heart, although it is very superficial, is also very helpless.

When He Chu shed tears when he saw the miserable condition of the beggar during a group outing, Mu Mu felt numb.

In the residential area where she and her grandfather lived, beggars were everywhere, and there was nothing surprising about them. Sometimes, she felt that her life was worse than that of a beggar.

He Chu’s self-confidence was built bit by bit with money from a wealthy family. She doesn't have to worry about losing anything, she knows that what she wants will always be there. This sense of security gave her the courage to get close to others boldly. She won't be afraid of rejection or not being liked.

Mumu is just the opposite. Because he has too little, he cherishes it more, holds on tightly, and is afraid of losing it in the blink of an eye.

When her heart was filled with despair, Mumu even imagined He Chu and Qiao Yan being together. She couldn't help but laugh at herself. They were really a good match. She didn't even have the qualifications to imagine.

Mumu will remember He Chu’s long black hair, shiny and straight. Always draped casually behind your back, exuding a light fragrance. She will also remember He Chu's hearty laughter, bold laughter and curses, and the "black waterfall" that swayed with a flick of his head...

Mumu didn't know that she would be herself a few years later. , why do you remember these so clearly? Even if I forget Qiao Yan, I can't forget He Chu's proud look and straight back.

"Grandpa, I won't leave." Mumu burst into tears and held onto her grandfather's hand. Grandpa's tears flowed through the furrows and fell onto his clothes.

The strange couple on the side looked embarrassed.

The pain of losing a child is still there. But in the eyes of his biological daughter, there was actually defensiveness and hostility.

No wonder, in order not to lose his job and keep his son, he sent his twin daughters to a family in the countryside. Now my son accidentally got into a car accident and failed to save him. Then I remembered that I still have a daughter who is living outside.

They were the ones who felt sorry for her in the first place. Looking at this simple house and the small attic where people live in a wooden way, the parents feel sad and regretful.

"Mumu, you can come back to see grandpa often." Grandpa advised, "Go back and live in a big house with your parents. You don't have to squeeze in the attic."

"

"If you follow grandpa, you won't have a good life for a few days. You will suffer. "Grandpa's trembling hands were so cold.

Mumu seemed to not recognize everything in front of her, and was stunned for a long time. She didn't speak anymore until the two strangers went out.

I have packed my luggage, and after living for more than ten years, I realize that I have nothing. Two sets of clothes and a few books are all I have.

07

In the early morning, she opened the curtains and saw her biological parents waiting for her downstairs. Maybe she could become a girl like He Chu, with a wealthy family, parents who loved her, and achievements that were enviable by everyone...

But, in this attic, the mottled marks, the childish graffiti, the not-soft bed, the quilt patched by grandpa himself... these are the memories of youth.

There is a diary hidden in the drawer of the sewing machine. Every day is about you, Qiao Yan. From the day I fell in love with you, every sentence is about you.

Maybe the love in adolescence is not really love. It is the initial fantasy and expectation of immature boys and girls. Maybe there will be more unforgettable feelings in the future, but we always have to admit that the first time. The purity and innocence when you like someone may never be seen again in the future. Even though it is silly, it is like Mu Mu.

There was also such a morning under that window. Standing was Qiao Yan who suddenly broke into her life. That day, he drank a bowl of the simplest soy milk made by her grandfather. That day, she stood in front of the attic window and stared at him for a long time until Qiao Yan's back disappeared. Invisible.

The back figure is like the darkest and inferior youth in the attic.