Can anyone tell me some great jokes and humorous stories?

1. Five Yuan Qian was kidnapped by a criminal gang. He called Hundred Yuan Qian:

"Hey! Your son is here. If you don't want us to rip it off, you can exchange it for him with yourself! ”

The hundred-yuan note thought for a moment and said:

“Tear it up, you won’t even have 5 yuan left!”

2. One person! He was about to starve to death in the desert when he picked up the magic lamp.

Magic Lamp: "I can only grant you one wish, tell me quickly, I'm in a hurry."

Man: "I want a wife..."

The magic lamp immediately turned out to be a beautiful woman, and then said disdainfully: "I'm almost starving to death and still covet beauty! How sad!" After that, she disappeared.

Person: "...cake."

3. The earthworm family was very bored today, so the little earthworm cut himself into two pieces and went to play badminton.

Earthworm's mother thought this method was good, so she cut herself into four pieces to play mahjong.

Earthworm's father thought about it and cut himself into minced meat.

The mother earthworm cried and said: "Why are you so stupid? If you cut it into pieces like this, you will die!"

The father earthworm said weakly: "...Suddenly I want to play football."

4. The panda man wants to have sex with the panda girl, but the panda girl resists vigorously and refuses to obey.

After the failure, the panda man said angrily: "We are all going extinct!"

5. The tortoise and the hare race...the hare quickly ran to the front ...

The turtle saw a snail crawling very slowly...and said to him: Come up, I will carry you...

Then...the snail came up...

After a while...the turtle saw another ant... ..Said to him: Come up too...

So the ants also came up.

After the ant came up... saw the snail above... and said to him: Hello

Do you know what the snail said?

The snail said: Hurry up, this turtle is so fast...

6. A man and a woman were having dinner

The girl kept Ask that boy: Do you love me?

The boy glanced at the girl and continued to eat dinner

The girl was very angry and asked again: Do you love me?

The boy finally said: Love

The girl asked again: How do you prove it?

Suddenly the boy took out thirty yuan from his pocket,

And asked the girl: Do you have ten yuan?

The girl took ten yuan and gave it to the boy...

The boy put forty yuan on the table

After a while... ...

The girl asked the boy angrily: Do you want to prove that you love me?

The boy said: I have proven it! Forty is right in front of you! (This is awesome!)

7. One day when I went to the snack street

I found a shop selling egg tarts

Every kind of them looked very delicious, I thought Buy one and try it out

I asked the clerk: Is this sold individually?

Shop clerk: No, this is Japanese.

8. One day, a fire broke out in the house.

The parents escaped, and only one son was left inside.

My mother shouted nervously outside the house:

"Son...what are you doing...it's already on fire and you still can't come out..." ."

The son replied: "I am wearing socks..."

The mother said again, "Why should I wear socks if there is a fire..."

p>

Five minutes later, the son still hasn’t come out...

The mother shouted nervously again, "Son, what are you doing? Come out quickly~ It’s all on fire, still waiting Inside..."

The son said, "I am taking off my socks..."

9. A man went fishing by the river

p>

First he pierced a leaf, but no fish took the bait for a long time, so he changed it to a piece of bread, and again no fish took the bait for a long time.

He had no choice but to change it to earthworms, and still no fish took the bait for a long time. ~~

In anger, he took out 100rmb and threw it into the water and cursed:

"*—#What do you want to eat! Buy it yourself!!!!"

10. A German, a Frenchman, and a Japanese are going to work in the mine.

The boss is an American. He said to the German: You have a good physique and you are responsible for the coolies.

To the French: You said you are an engineer and you are responsible for the mining plan.

To the Japanese, he said: You are very thin. You are responsible for supplies.

Then the next week, they started working.

A few days later, the Germans and French discovered that the Japanese were missing. After searching for a long time, they decided to go back to work.

When the Germans started working, the Japanese suddenly jumped out and shouted:

"Surprise!"

11. "I can't see clearly. Something far away,” the patient told the ophthalmologist.

"Please come with me," the doctor took the patient outside, pointed at the sun in the sky, and asked, "What do you think that is?"

"The sun." the patient answered.

"Then how far do you want to see!"

12. One day the animals smelled a bad smell in front of Guan Gong Temple.

The snake said: I am too young to fart such a smelly thing, it must be a cow.

The cow said: I eat grass and will not fart so smelly.

Pig said: People who fart will definitely blush.

Suddenly Guan Gong rushed out, beat the pig away and said: How many times have I told you that my blush is natural.

13. A man met God one day...

God suddenly became kind and planned to give that person a wish...

God asked...

Do you have any wish...

The man thought about it...

I heard that cats have 9 lives...

Then please give me 9 lives...

God said. .....

Your wish comes true...

One day, that person was bored...

I want to just die...

I have 9 lives anyway

Just lie on the railroad tracks...

As a result, a train drove past...

The man was still dead...

Why is this?

Because there were 10 carriages in that train...

14. One day, three people were sent to the funeral home. Strangely enough, their smiles after death were all It's ^_^...

The funeral director asked pol.ice very puzzled: Why do their faces after death turn out to be ^_^?

pol.ice said: This... it's a long story... Look at the person on the left... He was in a ***** with his wife. In the spring night...at the most passionate moment...I couldn't bear it...and died

The administrator replied: Alas... I would like to die under flowers... I am also romantic even if I am a ghost... So how did the one in the middle die?

pol.ice: That one in the middle... He... What a tragedy... He was walking on the road... Suddenly he heard He won the jackpot...with a prize of more than 700 million...

When he laughed happily...he was hit by an oncoming car... ....As a result...it died...

The administrator replied: Alas...he is really not blessed to enjoy this glorious and wealthy queen. Half a lifetime...what about the rest of this one?

pol.ice: ...This one's death is a bit pitiful... He was struck to death by lightning while climbing a tree

The administrator replied: ...This is a bit wrong, why is he still laughing after being struck by lightning...

pol.ice said: Because he climbed a tree Later he thought... there was a sudden flash of lightning...

He thought... someone was taking a photo of him...

15. It is said that thousands of years ago, whether they were male or female dogs, they squatted when urinating.

It was not until the Tang Dynasty that things changed...

Everyone has heard of Emperor Taizong of the Tang Dynasty! His old man had a pair of Pekingese dogs. Once, Emperor Taizong of the Tang Dynasty went to Mount Huashan to offer sacrifices to heaven and took this pair with him...

In the middle of the sacrifice, the female dog suddenly became anxious and ran behind a tree. Solve,

This is a very disrespectful behavior when worshiping the sky, so it angered the Jade Emperor,

The Jade Emperor ordered Thunder God to hit a thunder, which happened to hit the tree, and the tree fell , crushed the female dog to death, and the male dog was very scared after seeing it...

From then on, every time the male dog urinates under the tree, he will stretch out one foot and push against the tree,

Lest the tree fall down on you...:

I hate two kinds of people the most, 1. racial discrimination, 2. black people, 3. people who can’t read!

Japs Entering the village, I caught Liu Hulan and asked her:

Tell me! Who is a member of the Communist Party!

Liu Hulan said righteously:

My uncle is a member of the Communist Party! My uncle (is) a member of the Communist Party!

In this way, a hero was born~

Once upon a time, a man was fishing and caught a squid.

Squid begged him: Please let me go, don’t roast me to eat.

The man said: Okay, then let me ask you a few questions.

The squid said happily: You can copy it!

Then the man grilled the squid...

111. A man went to the river to fish...

First he pierced a leaf~ No fish took the bait for a long time, so he changed it to a piece of bread~No fish took the bait for a long time~

He had no choice but to change it for earthworms~No fish took the bait for a long time~~

He was angry Then~ took out 100rmb~~ and threw it into the water~~

"tnnd~~What do you want to eat! Buy it yourself!!!"

112. One day, Mr. Wang was driving go home.

Suddenly, a Daiben passed by him. When it passed by him, the driver shouted to him:

"Brother, have you ever driven a Daiben?" After that, " "Whoosh!" It soared far away.

Mr. Wang was very angry and stepped on the accelerator to catch up.

As soon as he was about to catch up, the driver stuck out his head and shouted at him:

"Brother, have you ever driven a Daben?" Then, "whoosh" disappeared again. .

"Damn, what the hell!" After scolding Mr. Wang, he felt a little better and stopped chasing.

After driving for a while,

Mr. Wang saw the Mercedes-Benz overturned on the side of the road. He was curious and drove closer slowly.

The driver was pinned under the car and said feebly:

"Brother, have you ever driven a Mercedes-Benz? Do you know where its brakes are?"

113. I once suffered from schizophrenia, but now we have recovered~~~~~~~~

114. An international student was taking the driving license test in the United States. The road sign in front of him told him to turn left. Not sure, I asked the examiner:

“turn left?”

Answer: “right”

So... I failed..

115. One day, Mung Bean committed suicide by jumping off the 5th floor. He bled a lot and turned into a red bean. It kept bleeding and turned into a soybean. The wound became scarred and finally turned into a black bean.

116. Xiao Ming had his hair cut, and when he came to school the next day, his classmates saw his new hairstyle and laughed: Xiao Ming, your hair looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt aggrieved and ran outside to cry. Crying and crying, he flew up...

117. There was a man who looked like an onion and cried as he walked...

118. Little One day the penguin asked his grandma, "Grandma, grandma, am I a penguin?" "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asked his father again, "Dad, daddy, am I a penguin?" Yes, you are a penguin, what’s wrong?” “But, why do I feel so cold?”

119. A pair of corns fell in love...

So they decided to get married. …

On the wedding day…

One corn couldn’t find another corn…

This corn asked the popcorn next to him: Have you seen our home? Is there any corn?

Popcorn: Honey, is she wearing a wedding dress...

120. In music class, the teacher played a piece by Beethoven

Xiao Ming asked Xiao Hua: "Do you know music?"

Xiao Hua: "Yes"

Xiao Ming: "Then do you know what the teacher is playing?"

Xiaohua: "Piano."

121. Two people fell into a trap. The dead are called dead people, and what are the living people called?

A : Call for help!

122. Someone looked like a sweet potato and fell while walking...

123. Question: What are you afraid of with cloth and paper?

Answer: Cloth is afraid of ten thousand, paper is afraid of nothing.

Reason: Don’t be afraid of ten thousand (cloth), just be afraid of something unexpected (paper).

124. One day, my mother-in-law was riding in a car...

Halfway through the ride, my mother-in-law didn’t know the road...

My mother-in-law spanked the driver with a stick and said: This is where?

Driver: This is my butt...

125. An egg went to a teahouse to drink tea, but it turned into a tea egg; an egg went for a swim in the Songhua River, and it turned into a tea egg. It turned into a preserved egg; an egg ran to Shandong and turned into a Lu (stewed) egg; an egg was homeless and turned into a pheasant egg; an egg accidentally fell down on the road , fell to the ground and turned into a missile; an egg ran into someone's yard and turned into an atomic bomb; an egg ran to the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau and turned into a hydrogen bomb; an egg got sick and turned into a villain ; An egg got married and turned into a bastard; an egg ran to swim in the river and turned into a nuclear bomb; an egg ran into flowers and turned into a heroine; an egg rode a horse, Holding a knife, it turns out that he is Dao Ma Dan; one of the eggs is female and looks ugly, so he turns into a dinosaur egg; one of the eggs is male, and his wife commits adultery with other eggs outside, so he turns into a dinosaur egg. A bastard; an egg...

126. The host asked: Can cats climb trees? Eagle's quick answer: Yes! Moderator: Give an example! The eagle was in tears: That year, when I was asleep, the cat climbed up the tree...and then there were owls...

127. Two dung beetles discussed the welfare lottery. A said: I want to win the jackpot. Buy all the toilets within a 50-mile radius and eat enough every day! B said: You are too vulgar! If I win the jackpot, I will take care of a living person and eat fresh food every day!

128.why the chicken cross the street

Answer to get another side

129. Teacher: "You are finally here! Why didn't you come to class yesterday?" "

Student: "Because...because, my mother fell down the stairs..."

Teacher: "Oh! That's it. Mom was injured, so you didn't come."

Student: "No...my dad was injured..."

Teacher: "Why did your dad get hurt when your mom fell down the stairs?"

Student: "Because...my dad has a woman outside..."

Teacher: "What?...What does that have to do with your mother falling down the stairs?"

Student: "Because they were fighting.. My mother fell and it was fine. My father was injured by my mother."

Teacher: "Oh.. So because you sent your father to the hospital, you didn't come to class?"

Student: "No... it was a woman outside who sent my dad there."

Teacher: "Then why didn't you come to class?"

Student: "Because I overslept..."

Teacher: "What does that have to do with your mother falling down the stairs!?"

Student: "No, I...I Just mentioning it by the way..."

130. One hazy night...

A group of female school students were playing Disc Fairy in the dormitory. Suddenly

they Keep screaming! ! !

The seniors upstairs hurriedly ran into their dormitory

Suddenly they saw the plates on their tables spinning at an incredibly fast speed

The speed was astonishingly fast , also so fast that I was shocked

"Oops! What did you do?"

The senior sister realized that something was wrong and asked hurriedly

"Ara..." The girls said

"Allah just asked how fast it can turn...?"

131. A: What is that person doing?

B: He is shaking.

A: Why is he trembling?

B: He is cold.

A: Oh, it turns out that you won’t be cold if you tremble.

A:...

132. There was a Mr. Banana who was on a date with his girlfriend. They were walking on the street. The weather was very hot. Mr. Banana took off his clothes. My girlfriend fell down...

133. A sausage was locked in the refrigerator

I felt very cold, and then I looked at the other sausage next to me, which gave me some comfort. , said: "Look at you frozen like this, your whole body is covered with ice!" As a result, the root said: "I'm sorry, I am a popsicle."

134. Once upon a time, there was a marshmallow who went to play ball. For a long time. He said: I am so tired. I feel like my whole body has softened...

135. This diver’s movement was very difficult. He made a turn A three-week front flip followed by a three-and-a-half-week back flip followed by a month.

136. One day, Zorro went to his mistress’s house for a tryst. The mistress asked Zorro: "What if my husband comes back?" Zorro said: "It's okay. If your husband comes back, I will jump out of the window and my horse will catch him below." Mine. "

The mistress said: If you hear three knocks on the door, it means my husband is back.

Zorro said: I understand. After a while, it started to rain. Suddenly there were three knocks on the door: "Dong, Dong, Dong". It was too late, but it was too soon. Zorro jumped from the bed and in a blink of an eye, he had jumped out of the window. When the mistress saw that Zorro had left, she went to open the door.

I saw a horse standing in front of the door and said to her: "Tell Zorro that it is raining outside and I will wait for him in the corridor."

137. Once upon a time, there was a man named Xiao Cai. He was left alone all night and became rotten~~~~~~

138. There was a man who was as big as an airplane and flew away as he walked

There is a person who looks like a chocolate, and he is eaten as he walks

There is a person who looks like a lightbulb, and it lights up as he walks

There is a person named Xiaohua. Someone picked me up while I was walking

There was a guy named Coke, and I was drunk while I was walking

139. MM got lost looking for the university. Met a gentle professor.

MM: Excuse me, how can I get to the university?

Professor: Only by studying hard can you go to college.

140. Every time I see you wearing stockings...

There will be an indescribable feeling in my heart,

That is...

p>

The radish is wrapped in plastic wrap!!!

141. Male: I really love you, please be my girlfriend!!

Female: But I have no feelings for you at all!!

Male: Okay, tell me what is wrong with me, and I will change it!!!

Female: Then tell me first Whatever is good about me, I will change!!!

142. The director and the section chief *** were riding in the elevator. The director farted and said to the section chief: You farted! The section chief said: I didn't do it... Soon the section chief was dismissed. The director said at the meeting: You can't take on such big things, so what use are you?

143. In fact, the Olympic mascot should be designed as "a million troops crossing the river", with one million pieces in different shapes. If you want to buy them, you have to buy 1 million at a time. If you want to buy one, you have to buy one million at a time. Lost the collection value, made a lot of money...

144. Miss: It’s hard to do business now!

Boss: Why?

Miss: "Bird flu..."

145. A woman trembled when she met a robber: "I am from XX. I just graduated and haven't found a job. I really don't have one." Money..."

After hearing this, the robber cried bitterly, "Sister, I am also from XX. Take your student ID card. The one who robbed you in front of you is XX. Don't worry, Allah will never rob your own people. !”

You can freely replace the XX in 145 with the name of your school or unit………….

146. Ask the canteen: It’s cold, what kind of food is helpful? Keep warm?

Answer: Eating some cotton will help to keep warm~~~~~~~

147. I want to have sex with my girlfriend, but she says I can’t do it without taking a shower, so I promised that if it’s cold, I can wash part of it. "After washing, my girlfriend said very shyly: "My dear, you are so lazy, you can wash whatever you use..." I fainted after hearing this, I just brushed my teeth~~~ (a very taboo joke)

PS: Minors please skip this joke...

148. A blind beggar was begging on the street wearing sunglasses.

A drunk man came over and felt sorry for him, so he threw a hundred yuan to him.

After walking for a while, the drunk man turned around and saw the blind man facing the sun to tell whether the hundred-dollar bill was genuine or fake.

The drunk man came over and took back the money and said: "You fucking don't want to live anymore, how dare you lie to me!"

The blind beggar looked aggrieved and said: "Brother, I'm so sorry. I'm here to check it out for a friend who is blind and went to the toilet. In fact, I am mute."

"Oh, that's it," so the drunk man threw down the money and shook it again. Staggering away...

149. Bird flu - it's all caused by "shit from the sky"!!!

There are two types of people who are extremely likely to get bird flu. ——1. "Beasts"; 2. People who are "worse than animals"...

150. If you make trouble, I will send you to the school hospital!!!

151. GDP grows as fast as a beard, and wages grow as slowly as eyebrows!

152.A: Hey, how did you learn to smoke?

B: I learned it when Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit~

C: Do you know why Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit?

AB: I don’t know!

C: Because Adam doesn’t have a cigarette! (Hint: homophones for the same word)

153. A man has just been abandoned by his girlfriend. He happened to see his ex-girlfriend flirting with her new love on the street. The more he watched, the more angry he became, and he wanted to humiliate them.

So he politely came forward to say hello, and said to his girlfriend Xinhuan with disdain: "You don't mind the second-hand goods I have used!" Just when he was proud of his creativity, his ex-girlfriend laughed and said: "Every inch on the outside is old, but everything on the inside is brand new!"

154. In a season like this, can you be my bird flu?

155. Warmly celebrate the year-end rebate promotion in our school cafeteria!

I only won the participation prize - 50 cents coin, but I found it in the dish!

156. Second-hand college advanced mathematics textbooks are for sale, 90% new, with transcripts to prove it!

157. When we broke up, she gave me a kiss, and the feeling was as real as the People’s Daily...

158. I just saw something similar to the top of my senior sister’s computer screen News scroll bar thing, the text on it goes by very fast.

I’m curious: Is this a lyric?

Sister: Yes!

Sister: Why does it go by so fast? Didn't even see it clearly!

Sister: Jay Chou’s! !

159. There is a person who looks like a telephone, and he gets beaten while walking...

There is a person who looks like an intel, and he gets beaten while walking...

There is a man who looks like a dumpling, and he gets wrapped up as he walks...

160. Wife: I am so blind that I will only marry you if I step on dog shit.

Husband: I am so blind that I will only marry you if I step on shit.

Shit: I’m so unlucky! I was stepped on by both of you while I was lying there...

161. One day I was walking in the snack street...

I found a shop selling egg tarts...

Every one looks very delicious, I want to buy one to try...

I asked the clerk: "Are these sold individually?"

The clerk: "No , this is Japanese”~~~~~~

162. College Entrance Exam Chemistry Question: A and B can transform into each other, B can produce C in boiling water, C can be oxidized into D in the air, D has The smell of rotten eggs, what are A, B, C, and D?

My answer: A is chicken, B is raw egg, C is cooked egg, and D is of course rotten egg!

163. Which is the worst, rubber, tiger skin, or lion skin?

Answer: Eraser.

Because of the eraser (bad eraser).

164. Question: What is the thing with three heads and one foot?

Answer: A monster with three heads and one foot! ! ! ! ! !

165. When the ant went to the desert, why didn’t he leave his footprints on the sand, but only a line?

Answer: Because it rides a bicycle!

The ant came home from the desert. He did not notify anyone, but his family knew that he was back! Why!

Answer: Saw his bicycle parked downstairs...

166. One day a female drug addict was caught at the police station, and the police saw a tattoo on her hand. Just ask her why you tattooed your boyfriend's name on your hand. Is his name Xiaoliang...ah...is it? Tell me, tell me...if he takes drugs... Tell me quickly

I saw the female drug addict raising her head with angry eyes

Said to the police

This is hate...

This story tells Allah... ...After getting the tattoo, it’s best not to gain weight anymore -_-!!

167. A steamed bun was walking on the road. He was hungry, so he went to eat, and then he turned into a steamed bun.

A bun eats too much and has diarrhea, and then he turns into a steamed bun.

A steamed bun was walking on the road, and there was a car accident, and he turned into a biscuit.

A bun was walking on the road and there was a car accident, and he turned into a sandwich biscuit...

168. Daming’s wife is about to give birth

Da Ming is in the delivery room Waiting anxiously outside

Suddenly, Daming heard a "wow" sound

After that, a nurse came out holding his child

Da Ming quickly asked who it was Male or female

The nurse said: "Guess"

"Male?"

"No."

"Female ?"

"You are so smart, you guessed it in two seconds."

169. One day, Xiaomei and her boyfriend were driving, and the car was almost gone. She was running out of gas, and there happened to be a gas station nearby. As she was driving past, a sudden gust of wind blew her boyfriend's hat away.

Xiaomei's boyfriend said to her:

"I'm going to pick up the hat, you help me."

As soon as her boyfriend ran away not far away, he heard Xiaomei shouted behind him:

"Come on! Come on!"

170. When a woman applied for a job, her boss asked: "How many children do you have?"

p>

She replied: "Five."

The boss asked: "Then what are their names?"

She replied: "Xiaoming, Xiaoming, Xiaoming , Xiaoming, Xiaoming."

The boss asked: "They are all called Xiaoming, so what do you do when you want to ask them to eat?"

She said: "That's very simple. As long as I call Xiaoming, they will all come."

The boss asked again: "But what if you only want to call a specific child?"

She said: "Then. It’s easier, I just need to call him by his last name.”

171. He was in a car accident and the car hit his head.

He was in a coma for two days and finally woke up. Come over.

When he opened his eyes, his wife was beside him.

He held his wife's hand and said sincerely:

"When I was a college student, I often took make-up exams. At that time, you were by my side."

p>

"When I failed all the interviews, you were by my side and cut out the job advertisements for me to apply for...

And when I was finally in charge of a very important contract, I But I messed it up because of a small mistake, and you were still by my side."

"Then I found a job again after being unemployed for a while, but I was never promoted, and my efforts were not good. Being recognized,

So my position is the same as when I first joined the company, and you are still by my side..."

My wife listened to his confession, with tears in her eyes.

"Now that I am in a car accident, when I wake up and find that you are still with me, I have something to tell you..."

Close to the bed and hug my husband , sobbed with emotion. Then, the husband said:

I think...you are the one who brought me down..."