If you have any jokes, tell them and listen.

1. One day Cao Cao and Liu Bei were having a drink and discussing heroes. There were dark clouds outside, thunder and lightning, and wind and rain. The two had a few drinks, and Liu Bei suddenly farted loudly, which was very embarrassing.

Liu Bei was in embarrassment when he heard Guan Yu say calmly behind him: "Don't be surprised, the farts come from the rain (rain)!"

As soon as Guan Yu finished speaking, Zhao Yunqiao stood beside him. He took a step forward and said: "Don't be surprised, everyone, farts come from the clouds!"

As soon as Zhao Yun finished speaking, Zhang Fei with a loud voice shouted: "Farts come from flying!"

< p>Everyone burst out laughing. Liu Bei has also returned to normal.

Cao Cao did not laugh, he felt deeply about this matter. After sending Liu Bei and others away, Cao Cao said to his subordinates: "When Liu Bei's subordinates saw that their master had made a mistake, they all rushed to take responsibility and make up for their mistakes. They are really loyal. If it is your turn, we can handle this matter." Are you here?"

Everyone was angry and said in unison: "Prime Minister, isn't it just a bullshit? Just look at it next time."

A few days later, Cao Cao invited Liu Bei to drink again. During the dinner, he wanted to fart to see how his subordinates would react. After holding it in for a long time, I finally managed to force it out. Everyone had been waiting for a long time. When they heard the sound of "gu", General Xu Chu was impatient and quickly shouted: "The fart was made by Chu (pig)!"

The waiter Wang Lang followed up and said: " "The fart was made by Lang (wolf)"

Gou An said: This is Gou (dog) fart

Cai Hao said: This is Mao (cat) fart

Cao Cao's eyes widened when he heard this, and the others thought that Cao Cao thought he was slow, so they all rushed to grab him.

Niu Jin said: "This is a gold fart!"

Xun Yu said: "This is a Yu (jade) fart!"

Cao Hong said: " The fart is from Hong (red)!"

Gao Lan said: "The fart is from Lan (blue)!"

Jiang Gan said: "The fart is from dryness!"

p>

Master Sima said: "The fart is from Master (wet)!"

Xia Houyuan said: "The fart is from Yuan (round)!"

Cao Fang said: " The fart is square!"

Cao Cao's face turned pale and just as he was about to explode, counselor Guo Jia shouted: "Nothing is right, everything is wrong!"

As expected! He is my number one strategist. Cao Cao thought secretly. Listen to him first.

Just listen to Guo Jiada: "This is a fake fart!"

Cao Zhen said again: "This is a real fart!"

Cao Cao was angry I almost passed out, completely disappointed, I didn’t want there to be more people behind me

Guo Huai said: "This is a Huai (bad) fart!"

Zhang He said: "The fart is He (drink)!"

Sima Yan said: "The fart comes from Yan (swallow)!"

Xu Huang said: "The fart comes out!"

Xiahou Dun said: "The fart came out of Dun (turning)!"

Guo Tu said: "The fart came out of Tu (vomiting)!

Xiahou Ba said : "The fart came from Ba (picked up)"

Xun You said: "The fart came from You (You)! ”

Man Chong said: “The fart came from Chong!” "

Jiang Ji said: "The fart came from Ji (squeeze)! ”

Zhong Yao said: “The fart came from Yao (shake)!” "

Finally, Cao Cao couldn't bear it any longer and said angrily: "Nonsense, farts are made by fucking. "

Liu Bei and the others were staggering with laughter.

2. One day, a poet and his friends were drinking together. They ordered a side dish of four sparrows. He My friend ate three in a row, and when he was about to eat the last one, the poet hurriedly said: "I should eat this one, right?" The friend sighed and said, "I wanted to give them to you, but I really can't bear to break them up, so I'd better reunite them." "After that, he ate the last one.

3. After watching the black 100-meter race, an old lady wiped away tears and said: It’s so scary! Several coal diggers knelt in a row and were shot to death. They fired without aiming. The children were so frightened that they ran away, and even the ropes couldn't stop them!

4. Mr. Huang loves the revolution. In order to commemorate the Red Army, he named his son "Jun". One day when he was sending his son to class, he saw the No. 8 bus coming into the station, so he shouted to his son: "Huang Jun, run!" The Eighth Route Army is coming! ~~~

5. John: "Your father is like a miser. Look, he is a shoemaker, and you still wear such worn shoes."

Tom : "What about your father? He is a famous dentist, but your little brother only has one tooth!"

6. The farmer was carrying manure. When the foreigner saw it, he asked: Uncle, how much is this? A pound of money? The farmer didn't say anything, and the foreigner dipped his hand into some and put it in his mouth, thinking: If you don't tell me how much it costs per pound, I won't tell you that your sauce will stink.

7.A: How much is your annual salary?

B: 960,000.

A: That’s 80,000 a month!

B: Yes, this is the basic salary.

A: Not bad, what do you do?

B: Dreaming...

8. One day, a company held a shareholders' meeting, and general manager Wang Ermazi was making a report on the podium. The female secretary in the audience noticed that the general manager's pants were unzipped, so she said to the general manager: "Manager, your garage door is not closed."

The general manager said: "I understand."

After a while, the secretary saw that the general manager's pants were still unzipped, and said: "Manager, the garage door is not closed yet."

The manager said: "Just leave it open. "Have you seen the car?"

The secretary said: "I didn't see the car, but I saw the license plate number."

The manager asked: "What's the number?"

The secretary replied: "010"

9. Difficulties in being a human being: If you have money, you will definitely become bad; if you don't have money, you will be said to be a failure; if you have achievements, If you are said to be speculative; if you have no achievements, you will be said to be worthless; if you have a lover, you will be said to be a bad person; if you have no lover, you will be said to be a pervert!

10. A well-known botany professor and his teaching assistant are studying new varieties of plants.

One day, the teaching assistant asked the professor: "What would you do if you were taking a practical class in the field and encountered an unknown plant?"

The professor replied: "I usually go Be at the front, and then trample all the unknown plants to death to prevent students from asking questions. "

11. As soon as the customer came out of the pharmacy to buy medicine, the pharmacy clerk hurriedly caught up with him.

Man: I'm sorry, you asked for a tonic and I gave you the poison by mistake.

Customer: Look, something big happened to you.

Man: No, the boss will definitely scold me when he finds out. Poison is twice as expensive as tonic. < /p>

14. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, pigs, sheep, cows, horses, cats, dogs, chickens, many times, rice, hair, solasi

15. Tonight, let’s talk without any defense. A bed is either an extramarital affair or an extramarital affair

16. In the middle of the advertisement, the hospital reports either about sexually transmitted diseases or infertility

17. If you have something to say, it will be a hornet's nest if he has nothing to do. Broadcast

18 Life Malatang is the same every day, but a few people can’t make any difference

19. Cows: So many people drink our milk, but no one calls us "Mom" ".

Squid: Damn, even with a belly full of ink, he became a thief!

Kangaroo: Alas, no money, no matter how big the pocket is, it’s still a rat!

Monkey : Do you want to become popular? Be my butt!

Mouse: Move fast and have a cool posture!

Fly: The biggest difference between me and bees is the taste.

Centipede: In order to save money, I never wear shoes.

Yish: Even if you kill me, I won’t go to an Internet cafe!

Firefly: Who wants to learn how to discharge electricity?

Mantis: Why doesn’t the hotel hire us to chop vegetables?

Dinosaur: I’m sorry, I died too early and caused so much trouble for you!

Hedgehog: I really want to feel what it feels like to hug someone else!

Hen: Why don’t people want us to engage in family planning?

Rabbit: Our tails are shorter, but whose ears are as long as ours?

Dove: Half of the people call us "peace messengers", but the other half put us on the table.

Mosquitoes: If humans can give us a slap in the face, our death is worth it!

Ants: Alas, pathetic ant life, we are so hard-working, so why should we die? What comes is a treatment even better than that of a mosquito. At least the mosquito can be given a pat by the people!

20. There was a woman who was so ugly that men avoided her when they saw her. The woman's biggest wish is to be kidnapped by traffickers, and then... So, whenever night falls, she wanders on the sparsely populated country roads, waiting for that moment to come.

Hard work paid off. Late that night, she was finally kidnapped by a kidnapper and put into a car. The kidnapper came to see the kidnapper leader with his "fruits of victory", ready to claim credit and receive the reward. However, when the kidnapper leader saw the woman's appearance, he couldn't help scolding the kidnapper for his lack of vision and ordered him to let the woman leave the car immediately. The kidnappers asked the woman to get out of the car according to the leader's order, but the woman had no intention of getting out of the car. There was a stalemate for a long time. The kidnappers used coercion, threats, beatings and other means to get the woman out of the car, but the woman never gave in. She just refused to get out of the car. When the kidnapper saw this, he shouted helplessly: "Forget it! I'll give you the car!"

21. People don't tell the truth:

They say stocks are drugs. They are all playing;

If they say money is a sin, they are all trying to make money;

If they say beauty is a disaster, they all want it; Climbing;

They say smoking is bad, but they don’t quit;

They say heaven is the most beautiful, but they don’t even go!!!

22. Salary is real It’s going up

I love the Party even more

I can reward my children

I dare to shout when I see my wife

I dare to taste seafood Goosefoot

I can go shopping in my free time

I feel itchy when I meet a beautiful woman

As a result, prices have risen again

It’s all his fault Mom was thinking for a moment

23. The day before the exam, the mother asked her son: "Have you read all the books in this unit?" The son replied: "I have read it!" The next day, the test papers were distributed. After that, my son only ranked 65th in the class. The mother said angrily: "Didn't you say last night that you had finished reading? Why did you do so poorly on the test today?" The son said: "I meant I finished reading."

24. Once upon a time there was a seat Temple, there is a mountain in the temple, and there are three monks on the mountain. The eldest is called Robber, the second is called Chopper, and the third is called Trouble. One day, when the third child was no longer in trouble, the boss went down the mountain to the police station with a kitchen knife and said: I am a robber, bringing a kitchen knife to cause trouble!

25. Customer: Do you have cold coffee here?

Waiter: No, we only have hot coffee.

The next day...

Customer: Do you have cold coffee here?

Waiter: No, we only have hot coffee!

The third day...

Customer: Do you have cold coffee here?

Waiter: We made a cup of cold coffee for you today!

Customer: Oh, then heat it up for me!

Waiter: ...

26. Dad: Have you learned the arithmetic the teacher taught you today?

Son: Got it!

Dad: Let me test you, what is four plus five?

The son pretended to count on his fingers...

Son: It’s equal to nine!

Dad: What about seven plus fifteen?

My son just pretended, and it wasn’t enough, and even the toes weren’t enough...

Son: No...

Dad: You don’t know how to use your brain ?

Son: Even the brain is not enough! ! !

27. There is a mother-in-law who always thinks her daughter-in-law is stupid.

It’s time to change the sheets and cotton wool.

The mother-in-law said to her daughter-in-law: I will wadding cotton, and you will change the sheets!

The wife said: OK!

As a result, the daughter-in-law tucked herself into the sheets and couldn't find an exit

The daughter-in-law said to her mother-in-law: Help me! I pushed myself closer to the sheets!

My mother-in-law said: You idiot! Deserve it! I'm not here to help you!

Two hours passed like this, but my wife still couldn’t come out...

She begged and said: Help me, I really can’t come out!

My mother-in-law said: For the sake of begging me, I will help you when I get out of the cotton!

28. Hello, hello, this is branch A. I am Police Officer Chen. I am at home now, not at the branch, because we are on strike, so what you are hearing now is a phone recording! After hearing the "beep", please press one if you want to report a crime, press two if you want to curse, press three if you want to chat, press four if you want to report a lie, and if you make a wrong call, hang up and replay. Thanks!

29. A certain foreign youth always makes no distinction between "steel" and "iron". One day, the iron gate of the community could not be opened, and he shouted: "Housewife!" Could you please open your steel door? I can't get in!

30. One day, the doctor saw the patient drinking in the hospital and said to the patient: Be careful! The patient smiled and said: Baby!

31. Once upon a time, there were three ghosts who always wanted to go to heaven. Finally one day they met God while shopping! They told God that they all died miserably and hoped that they would go to heaven! God said helplessly that there are too many residents in heaven and it is already full. But now there is still a spot! You tell me, whoever dies the worst will go to heaven!

So,

the first ghost started to say...

I was a cleaner when I was alive. Very hard work! Busy from morning to night!

One day, I was cleaning the glass outside a building! It's the kind of dangerous work at high altitudes where you're hanging outside! On the 30th floor! Suddenly, my foot slipped and I fell! I thought, it's over! Dying! But my survival instinct made me scratch unconsciously! Fortunately, I caught a balcony railing on the 13th floor. I thought, there is hope! So I wanted to wait until I calmed down and then climb up! Unexpectedly, someone suddenly grabbed my hand and I fell down again! I thought, now I'm really finished! However, my fate should not have been decided. There was a tent underneath to catch me. I am glad that I must have accumulated good deeds in my previous life! I want to wait until I feel better before going down. Unexpectedly, a refrigerator fell from above and killed me!

The second ghost said...

I was a clerk during my lifetime. Everything is fine, I have a beautiful wife. Great figure! But it's just a bit watery. I have a mild heart condition. One day I forgot to bring my medicine to work, so I went home to get it. As soon as I entered the door, I saw my wife with disheveled hair and disheveled clothes. There must be an adulterer. So I searched all over the house, the kitchen, and the toilet, but couldn't find it. When I got to the balcony, I found two hands on the railing. I thought: Adulterer! So he took his hand away. I thought, 13th floor! See if I can kill you! When I saw it, he was not dead! Caught by the tent! I was anxious, so I searched all over the house. When I entered the kitchen, I found that the refrigerator was big enough, so I threw it down. Finally smashed him to death! I was so happy! Laughing endlessly. Unexpectedly, I laughed so much that my heart stopped and I died laughing!

The third ghost said...

I was a gangster when I was alive, but I didn't do anything bad! One day I went to a female friend’s house! Just after finishing her work, her husband suddenly came back! I have to find a place to hide. So I searched in the kitchen and the toilet, and finally found that their refrigerator was quite big, so I hid in the refrigerator! I just don’t understand how her husband knew I was in the refrigerator, and he actually threw the refrigerator from the 13th floor! I just threw the refrigerator to death!

32. Mahaha was driving with his family on a country road. Suddenly, he found a frog crossing the road. Mahaha quickly stopped the car, stepped out, and put the frog on the side of the road. The frog was very grateful to Mahaha and promised to fulfill one of Mahaha's wishes. So, Mahaha said to the frog:

"The 'Dog Selection Contest' will be held next week, and I want my dog ??to come first." The frog asked to see the dog, and Mahaha walked out of the car. Zhong took the dog out. The frog took a look and saw that the dog was stupid, fat, and only had three legs.

"I'm afraid it's difficult to realize this wish. You'd better make another wish!" said the frog with a guilty look on his face.

"Let's do this, let my wife win the first place in the next beauty pageant!" Mahaha demanded.

The frog called Mahaha’s wife out of the house, looked at it and said, “Can I change my mind?”

33. Girl: “As long as I have money, I will marry Anyone can give it to me." Man: "Will you marry me the bank safe?"

34. My wife wants to lose weight, so she goes horseback riding every day. As a result, Ma lost 40 pounds in one month.

35. Patient: "Doctor, you left the scissors in my stomach." "It doesn't matter, I still have one."

36. Judge: Why did you print a fake Money? The defendant said innocently: Because I can't print real money.

37. The first line: Hahahahaha, the second line: Hey hey hey hey. Hengpiao: Mentally ill

38. Thief A: "Quickly count how much money you robbed today?" Thief B: "No, I'll find out in the newspaper tomorrow."

39.Teacher: "Peter, do you know how many years a mouse can live?" Peter: "It depends on the cat."

40.Female: "Talk to me Why are you always chewing candy? "Male: "How can you get so many sweet words if you don't chew candy?"

41. During the Dragon Boat Festival, a company distributed rice dumplings to all employees. The next day when the foreign employee came to work, he said to the company's administrative manager: "The Chinese snacks the company distributed yesterday were delicious, but the lettuce outside was a bit hard." Then he added: There is also dental floss on it, I thought. That’s really thoughtful...

42. Son: Dad, the emperor calls himself a widower, so what should the emperor’s father call himself?

Dad: Little fool, of course the emperor’s father calls himself a widowed father (wife)!

43.0 saw 8 and said: You are so fat, just be fat, and wear a belt; 7 said to 2: Kneel down, I will not marry you even if I kneel for 500 years; 6 said to 9: Just be cool. , also playing handstand; 8 saw 3 and ran to cry: Brother, who cut it?

44. I accidentally got into society, and my return as a prodigal son has been in vain. Now I am in such a mess, wearing a factory uniform and suffering from foreign crimes, having to attend meetings for serious matters, and have to stand in line to have a meal together. You still have to pay taxes to make some money. This is society.

45. "The performance has begun!" As soon as the director finished speaking, he saw Xiaogang dozing off, so he asked him: "Comrade Xiaogang, what did I just say? If you can't answer, I will withdraw." Job!" Xiaogang replied in a daze: "The wild boar pooped!"

46. The teacher was telling the students: Niagara Falls is the largest waterfall in the world. Suddenly he saw Qiangqiang dozing off and asked: What did I just say? Qiangqiang stood up and said unhurriedly: That big rag in your house is the biggest rag in the world.

47. It is said that a county magistrate in Hunan with a strong accent came to the village to make a report: "Rabbits, shrimps, pig tails! No pickles, pickles are too expensive!!" (Comrades, villagers) Everyone, please pay attention! Don’t talk, it’s a meeting now!) After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said: "Pickles, pickles, pickles!" (Now let’s talk!) The township magistrate said: "Rabbits, today’s meeting The rice is eaten, and everyone is a big bastard!" (Comrades, the food is enough for today, let's all use a big bowl!) "If you don't want pickled melon, I will pick up some dog shit for you to lick." Don't talk, let me tell you a story...) After the county magistrate finished his report, he came to a snack bar alone and asked the waitress: "How much does it cost to sleep for one night?" His expression changed drastically, and he screamed: "Rogue!" When the county magistrate heard this, he said, "It's only six cents, cheap, come one night (bowl)." The waiter left angrily, and the county magistrate had to find other snack bars. But I couldn't find it after searching for a long time, so I wanted to eat at my cousin's house, but I didn't know the direction. When I saw a gentle lady coming, I went up to him and asked: "Comrade Rabbit, give me a kiss..." .." Before she finished speaking, the young lady turned red with anger and ran away again. The county magistrate was helpless and wandered around in a daze. Suddenly he saw a pair of farmer brothers and sisters pulling wheat on a cart to sell in the market. He just wanted to give a gift to his cousin, so he came to them and asked: "Brother, your little brother How can I sell my sister (wheat)?" The elder brother was so angry that veins popped out on his forehead. The county magistrate was puzzled. He came across a supermarket and went in to buy some gifts. The waiter saw him and greeted him enthusiastically: "Sir, what do you want?" ).

"

48. The child asked his mother: "How to make a sentence using ABCDEFG? "Mom: "A (Hey)! This B(fart) child belongs to C(whose) family? My feet were bare on the D (ground), and I was not wearing any EF (clothes), and my GG (cock) was still exposed!

49. One day, the teacher assigned Xiaogang a few words to make sentences:

Thriving--Thriving and booming, farewell;

News--Dad’s socks are very New, it smells bad;

Yummy--yucky!

Innocent - it’s really hot today;

As expected - I eat fruit first, then drink milk;

First...and then... - Goodbye, sir !

50. Little Rabbit said: My mother calls me Little Rabbit, which sounds nice!

The puppy said: My mother calls me puppy, which sounds nice!

Little Pig said: My mother calls me Little Piggy, which sounds nice too!

Little Chicken said: You guys chat, I’m leaving first!

The little rabbit said: I was raised by a rabbit mother!

The little pig said: I was raised by a pig mother!

The little chicken said: I am the son of a chicken!

The puppy said: You guys chat, I’m leaving first!

General Li Zongren said: I am a kind person!

General Fu Zuoyi said: I am a righteous person!

General Zuo Quan said: I have the power!

General Huo Qubing said: You guys chat, I’m leaving first!

The door of Lao Zhang’s house is made of willow wood. Lao Zhang said: The door of my house is made of wooden door!

The door of Lao Li’s house is made of plastic. Lao Li said: The door of my house is made of plastic!

The door of Lao Wang’s house is made of bricks. Lao Wang said: The door of my house is made of bricks!

The door of Lao Liu’s house is made of steel. Lao Liu said: You guys talk, I’ll leave first!

51. Andy Lau took Zhang Huimei to drink water at Zhou Xing Pool. Suddenly a Nicholas Tse wind blew and Wu Qilong emerged from the water. Wu Qilong held Zheng Yijian and rode Huang Jiaju, and snatched Zhang Huimei away; Andy Lau held Zhou Huajian and rode on Jay Chou. , climbed over Zhao Benshan, passed through Guan Zhilin, jumped over Pan Changjiang River, snatched back Zhang Huimei, returned to Aaron Kwok, and even hung a flag in the city called Ren Xian Flag!

52. Once upon a time, there was a family whose parents cut down other people’s peach and pear trees. When the fruit steel was brought back and placed on the fruit plate, there was a knock on the door. Mom and dad hurriedly told their son: When guests come and ask you questions, you answer three questions: the first one is to say he was chopped. , are being taken to the market to sell. The second one said that it had been trampled down and was being burned. The third one said it is a fruit unique to my family. If you don’t mind it, please try it. After saying that, the parents ran away from the back door. The child opened the door and saw that it was not the guest. The guest asked: Where is your father? The child replied: It has been chopped up and is being sold in the market. Then, the guest asked: Where is your mother? The child replied: It has been trampled on and is just being burned. Finally, the guest picked up the horse manure on the ground and asked: What is this? The child immediately replied: This is a fruit unique to my family, it is delicious! If you don't mind, please taste it.