What to do when faced with parent-child separation

Parent-child separation is a response of young children to their insecurity and fear of unfamiliar environments and strangers. When a child is separated from his parents or caregivers, on the one hand, it aggravates the child's insecurity. On the other hand, it makes young children regress and think that things that are not in front of them do not exist. They usually cry and make noise to express their uneasiness. This anxiety disappears as they come to understand that the parent who left him will come back.

Analysis of parent-child separation anxiety

"Uterine psychology" and "fat-skinned personality"

Before the child is born, he is closely connected with his mother. Protected in the womb, they are completely dependent on their mother. After the child is born, due to the mother's unique "womb psychology" (as the saying goes, the child is a piece of meat that has fallen from the mother's body) and "fat-skinned personality" (gentleness and delicateness), the child can still feel being caressed and caressed. Protect. Just like calves and lambs, babies behave in a way that keeps them as close to their mothers as possible, which can be called "attachment behavior." Attachment is a self-protective biological function that protects young children from harm. The mother's presence symbolizes safety. A child's earliest fear is the fear of his mother leaving, including the child's fear of facing danger alone when the mother is away, and the fear of losing her again when the mother is present.

Mouse and learned "helplessness"

You can imagine if you are traveling on a boat and getting along with the people on the boat day and night, already like family members. When the boat sails away When you are on a small island, you have to stay alone on the island. How will you feel the moment the boat leaves?

If a child misses its mother and the mother never shows up, the child's need for love will be hurt. It's like a mouse locked in a cage and unable to escape after many struggles. Finally, even if the door is opened, it doesn't know how to escape. It has become accustomed to being "helpless". The same goes for children. Under such circumstances, they may gradually become disappointed, give up their expectations of the surrounding environment, doubt others, and be unable to trust themselves. They may gradually become indifferent, selfish, withdrawn, self-defeating, and unconsciously seek attack, harm, target of destruction.

Separation can cause anxiety and even trauma, but this does not mean that the mother has to keep her child by her side all the time, otherwise the child will not be able to grow. Therefore, what is important is not the separation itself, but how parents deal with the separation from their children, how they help their children relieve anxiety and heal trauma, and how they give their children the ability to "self-heal."

Coping with Parent-Child Separation Anxiety

Previewing the Situation of Separation

Parents need to understand that their children will feel unfamiliar with the new environment and will have a strong attachment to their loved ones. Emotions, so they show fear, nervousness, and lack of security. This phenomenon is normal. Parents should not be overly anxious first, so as not to affect their children's emotions.

Parents can play hide-and-seek games with their children. This game can let children know during play that just because their parents are not around does not mean they have disappeared. In addition, you can also let your children practice separation from their parents at home so that they can gradually get used to the feeling of their parents leaving. For example, you can let your grandparents take care of the children temporarily, and the time when your parents are away can also be gradually extended.

Before sending your children to nursery school or kindergarten, always talk to them about the situation and take them there to play more often so that they can have a preliminary understanding of the new environment. Let your children go to bed on time and develop good work and rest habits. Prepare the necessary clothes and supplies with your children to strengthen their mental preparation. At the same time, warn yourself not to be too nervous, so as not to affect your child's mood.

Tell your child often that you love him to further enhance his sense of security. Prepare your child with a favorite blanket or doll that he can take with him to new environments. Familiar items can help your child feel comforted in an unfamiliar environment.

Be decisive when leaving

Pay attention to the following matters:

Don’t remind your children over and over again not to cry just because you are worried that your children will cry when they are separated. You need to tell him: "Mom will definitely come to pick you up." The best way is not to mention the separation from the child at all, and talk and laugh with the child on the way to school, tell a short story to distract the child's attention. After arriving at the kindergarten, I secretly gave the teacher a wink, asked both parties to cooperate, and then left decisively.

If a child grabs the parent's hair or collar when parting, do not let the teacher hold the child's body and forcefully snatch it. This will cause more fear to the child than separation. At this time, parents can hold the child in their arms and stroke it gently, slowly pull their hands from their hair and collar, and then hand the child to the teacher as soon as possible. If the child still refuses to let go, you can let the child stand on the ground. The parent squats down, holds the child's armpits with both hands, and calmly says to the child: "Good boy, let go." If the child still refuses, the mother can gently break it off. Open the child's thumb so that the child's hand will be released, then immediately hand the child to the teacher and say a happy goodbye to the child. If the child is lying on the ground and rolling around, ask the teacher to squat next to the child to prevent him from getting up and jumping into his mother's arms again. The mother wants her children to see her happy face, then say goodbye and leave as soon as possible.

In the first few days, after returning home, praise the child more for doing well when the mother is not around, allow the child to cling to the mother, and give the child affection and warmth. For a short separation, find a substitute in advance

For mothers who have to leave their children for more than a few days, you can start from the following aspects -

Find a person to take care of your children for you and talk to them first Stay for a while. Before the mother leaves, it is best to find a regular person, such as a grandparent or nanny, to take care of the child. When the child has established a certain relationship with the outside caregiver and developed a sense of trust and affection for the outside caregiver, and then the mother leaves, the child's anxiety will be reduced because the child still has a stable caregiver who makes him feel safe. a lot of. Do not leave your child to be cared for by many different people. Different faces will increase the child's anxiety and make him feel at a loss as to what to do.

Tell the children that mother will bring gifts when she comes back. Tell your child that for some reason, you have to leave for a while, but you will definitely come back and bring him a gift that he likes. This will allow your child to be mentally prepared, and while they may be anxious, they will also be looking forward to your departure.

Give your children something related to their mother. Take some photos of mother and children and place them in various places in the house, and record some stories told by mother to the children so that they can be played before going to bed, so that children can still feel the presence of mother when mother is not around.

Play separation games with your children. Use small dolls to represent the mother and the child respectively, and act out what the mother is doing outside alone. The mother will miss the child and look at the child's photos; the children at home will also miss the mother and look at the mother's photos. Finally mom came back and they were both happy to see each other.

After leaving, the mother tries to call the child every day, so that the child will feel the mother's care and love for him and will not worry about the mother abandoning him. When a child misses his mother, family members can show him pictures of his mother or listen to the recordings left by his mother.