I helped my daughter take care of her grandson for seven years, and now I'm an enemy. How should I solve it?

I immigrated to America to take care of my daughter. At first, there were contradictions and quarrels, and they were very unhappy. In order to avoid quarreling, I ran from China to the United States, exhausted. Then I reflect on myself. I think I am an elder, hardworking and have a say. In fact, the elders just leave before the younger generation. This is her home, and I am a meddler. From then on, I regarded myself as a guest. Don't say things you shouldn't say or do things you shouldn't do. I haven't quarreled with my daughter for more than two years, and my daughter is much better to me than before. The key is to review yourself, don't blame others blindly, and put down your posture. Everything will be fine. Share photos of Christmas and two granddaughters.

I know an old man who brought two girls to his third son when he was young. Two granddaughters went to junior high school, and the third daughter-in-law asked the old man to go back to his hometown to live with Lao Yao and his boss. One son is three months, and the second and third are in the city for 50 yuan a month. The old man later died at the age of 98. Third grandma and her children didn't go back, but everyone else did. A few years later, the third daughter-in-law became ill. During her illness, the most talked about was the death of the old man. She didn't go back. She regretted it. A month later, the third daughter-in-law died before the age of 54.

I am a grandmother and I am looking after my daughter. I always remind myself that it is my duty to serve others without expecting anything in return. Others should stay out of it and treat my son-in-law as their own son. Nothing is a problem. At present, we two adults and children get along well and feel more and more harmonious. I will leave immediately when they don't need me! Don't rely on anyone, don't need anyone to be grateful, and each has its own life!

But doing good, Mo Wen's future.

What's more, it is your own children and your own descendants. ..

The old man advised you not to do too much. ..

The grade of my neighborhood is ok, and most of them are harmonious.

There are few old ladies. Their home is a mess. They can't see other people's families clearly They often incite others.

There is an old lady. When her grandson gets up, she will go out to exercise.

When her grandson goes out to school, she comes back from exercise .. She won't even help to cook eggs and hot milk.

Obsessed with all kinds of health care Where do you spend most of your time?

I got sick as soon as I got home.

When I go out, I am full of energy.

Fortunately, her daughter-in-law is still very kind and won't see her.

I also encouraged other old ladies to move out and rent a house with her. Old people scattered around should live alone ... what do you think of this? It is said that the owners have listed her as an object that the elderly are forbidden to deal with .. The three views are extremely incorrect .. I didn't believe it at first.

Sister, I am also someone else's mother-in-law. Let me give you some advice. Whether it's a son, a daughter, a grandson or a grandson, it's the same whether there are fewer children at home now. Their young people can try to leave them alone. Nowadays, young people are more independent, and they don't want to be influenced by their parents or in-laws. They can do whatever they can. As long as their children don't commit problems of principle, let them do it, and when they are old, they will settle down. Don't transfer the stereotype of our generation's parents that their children are supreme. There is a generation gap. When your daughter reaches our age, she will naturally understand. My wife has just arrived at my house, and she won't listen to anything I say for her good. Now she understands that there are many important things that can't be decided, and she will take the initiative to consult with me. That's it.

I helped my daughter take care of her grandson for seven years, and now I'm an enemy. How should I solve it? In my opinion, to solve this problem, we should start from two aspects: identifying the cause and treating it according to the symptoms.

First, the enemy's reasons.

It is human nature and happiness to help bring up grandchildren when people are old. Now, as long as you go to the kindergarten or primary school, the elderly who usually pick up and drop off their children account for the majority. Since you have helped to take care of your grandson for seven years, you and Mu must be a big family, and they are also enemies.

If your own daughter becomes an enemy, it's almost like an enemy. Its nature judgment: from love to hate, there is no connection between parents and daughters, the past favor turns into resentment, and the past affection is close to zero. This shows that understanding and analyzing the reasons of enemies should be analyzed from the aspects of life, emotion and tolerance, so as to help solve the problem of enemies.

(A) from the perspective of life

Let's assume two situations: the daughter's mother helps her daughter take care of her grandson, lives in her daughter's house, and is taken care of by her mother for seven years; Daughter's family conditions are average, daughter and son-in-law are all workers, and son-in-law's parents' home is in the countryside.

In this kind of life background, helping a daughter to take care of her grandson may cause emotional injury or misunderstanding between mother and daughter, mother and child, and grandson:

The main reason may be that there are contradictions in trivial matters and there is no timely communication. According to common sense, it is a better choice for a mother to take care of her grandson. As a mother, I have given birth to this child and raised this child, and I know how to take care of the child best. As a daughter, I am closest to my mother and most at ease with her. What's the problem? It usually lies in trivial matters at home. For example, small contradictions arising from eating and drinking Lazarus are buried in each other's hearts and do not communicate with each other. The longer time is accumulated, the more serious the mutual harm will be. Once a small problem breaks out, it becomes a big problem. From pro to resentment, from resentment to injustice.

(B) from the emotional level

Emotion is the source of living water to maintain mother and daughter, grandchildren and the whole family. Why do parents bring their grandchildren? Because they love their grandchildren, daughters and son-in-law. As a daughter and son-in-law, it is of course the most reassuring to ask the closest mother to take care of the children. Since ancient times, this emotion has been like a clear spring. If the emotion is gone, what else?

The causes of emotional injury are generally psychological. The psychological level is mainly manifested in the handling of mutual relations in daily life. For example, for mothers, sometimes when they are in distress, especially when their daughters and sons-in-law don't respect themselves, they will think, I help you with your children, and you still treat me as a nanny! If you don't communicate for a long time, resentment will turn into resentment, and resentment will turn into resentment. It's okay for a daughter-in-law to meet a weak mother. If you meet a mother with a strong personality, there may be more problems. For example, although the mother lives in her daughter's house, some concepts have not changed, and she continues to treat her daughter as a child, and she is not at ease about what she does. Sometimes she loses her temper if she doesn't like it, and her daughter-in-law can't stand it, so it's not easy to talk. Generation gap in thought, language, cognition, etc. It is getting deeper and deeper, causing greater psychological pressure and finally reaching an irreparable dilemma.

Third, from the perspective of tolerance.

According to common sense, no matter from feelings or gratitude, there should be no enemies, let alone between relatives. Here, you can't be too suspicious of your daughter and think it's all your daughter's problem. You can't misunderstand your mother. Everything is caused by your mother. Because there are three cornerstones: blood relationship; There is no fundamental conflict of interest; Innocent children are the golden key to innocent feelings. In view of the above three points, I think it is not a real enemy, but a family relationship that can be saved. The root of the problem lies in mutual lack of understanding, tolerance, communication and responsibility. If there is more understanding, more tolerance, more communication and more responsibility, even if there are some contradictions between them, they will not reach the intersection of friends.

Second, the solution

(1) Understand philosophy. Affection is the most primitive, sincere and reliable affection in interpersonal relationships. The greatest advantage of human nature lies in goodness. Confucius said that at the beginning of life, human nature is good. This kind word leads to the goodness of human nature, the greatness of maternal love and fatherly love, and the vitality, reliability and importance of blood relationship. Understand this truth, you will find the golden key to solve the problem of enemies and find the source of emotional living water.

(2) find the right position. Take care of grandchildren, help take care of grandchildren. This is not only an emotional behavior, but also a responsible behavior, and it is also a positioning of the role of family life. As parents, we should understand this orientation. In daily life, do more to help and less to be long-term; Pass on the virtue of "filial piety" more, and leave less regrets of unfilial; Do more examples of "family harmony" and less things of "resentment". As a daughter and son-in-law, you should also know your position. Parents take care of their grandchildren, which is the responsibility and obligation of love. They should respect the elderly and care about their parents, and should not treat their parents as nannies. We should love, understand and tolerate the elderly.

(3) communication tolerance. Parents and daughters-in-law should strengthen communication, mutual trust and tolerance with the good attitude and goodwill of their loved ones. When encountering contradictions, we should keep calm with each other, solve them in the right way, don't communicate with each other, and keep them in our hearts until the contradictions become serious. Tolerance of others is the best way for home and everything to flourish.

You have taken care of your daughter for seven years, we have taken care of her for nearly eight years, and we still have two, one is seven and the other is four. Almost half a year. We are only 14 km short, because the mother and daughter have been arguing to take care of the children until now, and even WeChat has been deleted. It's a good thing we have our own home, otherwise it will be miserable. Without our children's interference, there would be no children. I don't want to talk about the process, but I regret raising her like this and harming others and myself.

If you often stroll in the square or park of the community, you will find a very common phenomenon, that is, most elderly people with children are grandparents of their children, so there is such a quip: mom gives birth, grandma raises them, and grandparents come to see them. Why do grandparents help with the baby more often? That's because they can't bear to watch their daughter suffer. I also don't want my daughter to give up her job because she takes care of the children, because the happiness of housewives is often very low. In short, they sacrificed their old age to take care of their daughter's son-in-law for their daughter's small family.

The old man's starting point is good, so why did he become an enemy? Is his daughter's son-in-law a baiwenhang who can't see the old man's contribution and takes it for granted, as if the old man takes care of the children for granted? When he comes home from work, he is like a shopkeeper of cutting and watching his mobile phone on the sofa after dinner. Over time, the old man can complain, so he may complain. Two giant babies who don't know how to be grateful keep these unintentional words in mind. Their children don't need your care after they go to primary school at the age of 7. At this time, they broke out and began to find fault everywhere, thinking that you were an eyesore. If this is really the case, communicate with your in-laws (parents of your son-in-law) first, then educate your children, or find relatives who have a good relationship with your daughter-in-law, let them inquire first, find the knot of your child, and then slowly open it. Your grandson can be a lubricant for your emotional recovery. This is a slow project, so don't worry, take your time.

Is it possible that you have been too involved in all kinds of things between husband and wife in recent years and have to take care of everything? I think I help them with their children, and I have made great contributions, so I can unscrupulously intervene in the life of other people's small families. After a long time, no one can stand it. If this is the reason, I suggest that you can communicate sincerely with the young couple and stop interfering in their family affairs. It is also possible that you spoil your child too much, which leads to the child's disobedience now, or some trivial things have quarreled. Of course, the knot is not opened in time, and the backlog is getting more and more, like snowballing, which may eventually break out. Again, find a reliable relative or a good friend with the young couple, let them open their hearts, find out the reasons, and then slowly find ways to alleviate the contradictions. After all, they are all blood relatives. You can help them raise their children. The contradiction will be solved.

Mother and daughter are connected. Only if you love your daughter can you help her with the children. You paid a lot and became an enemy. You must have done a lot of inappropriate things. Of course, the daughter is also responsible. There is no hatred for no reason. There is a solution, it depends on whether you can accept it.

First, you may be too broad.

It is not easy for everyone to raise a child, even if you have paid a lot to raise your daughter. In the process of helping my daughter take care of the children, there are many things that should not be taken care of, but you can't help but take care of them. This is the root of the conflict between children.

Tell a true story first. A mother helps her daughter to take care of her children. Her son-in-law gives her 4000 yuan a month. She eats and lives well, and her son-in-law has a good income. She earns over 300,000 yuan a year. The contradiction began when her mother urged her daughter to have a second child. As soon as she has time, she tells her daughter that your first child is your daughter. You must have a son. Without sons, women have no status. She said that she just had no son, and her life was miserable. Daughters hate their mother's tone. Sister Xianglin is endless. The son-in-law and daughter gave birth to a second child according to her wishes. Mother is very satisfied. Unfortunately, the second child is also a daughter. Mother said that she should have a check-up earlier. It would be a joke if my daughter miscarried early. This makes the daughter and son-in-law very embarrassed and angry, and the contradictions are accumulating. As for this mother, when she is free, she also talks about who gave birth to a son and set off firecrackers. She is so happy. Over the years, my daughter and son-in-law couldn't stand the nagging of giving birth to children, which made her give birth to three children. They euphemistically said that the children are older and don't need help. They can continue to give money every month, which is the pension fee, but they don't live together. This time, the old man got angry and said that you asked me to take care of the children, and now the children are going to kick me out, right? Where can I find a job at my age? I don't want your money, but I also want to take care of my children. I was deadlocked, and the things behind me were even more embarrassing, so I didn't say anything.

The story means that the mother is too tolerant, which makes people very angry. The children are all adults, married, have their own way of life and give you money every month. You eat, drink and consume. Life is beautiful. Why do you have to bother yourself, that is, you always want to control other people's thoughts and behaviors? Then why should others listen to you? You have never lived a good life, and it seems that you have summed up a lot of life truths. My daughter used to be very happy, with several houses and a BMW. Although she is not very rich, she lives a well-off life, and everyone lives in peace. Isn't that great? No, you think they are unhappy because her daughter has no son. How do you know that her daughter really wants to have a son, and neither the son-in-law nor the daughter mentioned the birth of a child? Obviously it's not worth your decision. You are too generous, which makes your daughter and son-in-law feel depressed. In the long run, you will become enemies.

Second, you often do things you shouldn't do.

If a mother often says something she shouldn't say, which will lead her children to become enemies, then often doing something she shouldn't do will also cause great contradictions.

Is it because you don't have enough money or not? If you are in a bad mood, you are always emotional. If there is, it can be expressed. Let's sit down and talk. Don't sulk, do something special. If it's not about money, it's about behavior.

Do you always let people from your hometown come to play with your daughter? It costs a lot of money to be nice to your daughter every time. If you are angry, where did you get the money for the trial? Of course it didn't fall from the sky, it was earned by your daughter and son-in-law. It doesn't matter if you are generous. You can't talk generously about other people's money, and you can't be generous just because other people have more money. If you arrange for your relatives and friends to come to see a doctor, travel or even your daughter. You want too much, you can't satisfy it. You don't know that your daughter is embarrassed every time you do this. You embarrass people everywhere, and you want your daughter and son-in-law to smile. They are not sages, they can't do it, it is too difficult, and sages probably can't do it.

Third, maybe my daughter has too many demands.

Maybe your daughter's condition is not good, and she hates that your cooking is too idle and not delicious, that you are not careful with your children, that your living habits are bad, and that you are rude, so that you can't help quarreling. Your daughter often eats old people, which makes your life tense. After a long time, she becomes an enemy.

In a word, it is generally not an overnight contradiction that a mother and her daughter can become enemies. Over the years, one side has been unreasonable, demanding too much, being too lenient and not understanding the other side. Over time, contradictions become irreconcilable and become enemies.

Life is not easy. Everyone is very sad to live their lives. There is no need to interfere in other people's lifestyles. Only by tolerating each other can families be harmonious and prosperous.

Don't blame the old man too much! Children nowadays are really outrageous! Don't let your parents talk! Think about it, can people who live together not talk! Besides, after raising her for more than 20 years, I can't understand the hard work of my parents! What a scandal! If you have the ability, neither parent will help you and take care of the children by yourself! Ungrateful child who doesn't know how to be grateful! Some son-in-law and mother-in-law are kind to him! How chilling parents are!