Qingming's essays on grief

When I was young, I used to be a child in bad karma. After only 18 years of life, I lost two closest relatives-my father and my elder sister. Some people really dare not think about it. When they think about it, their hearts will hurt and their tears will burst.

My father (that is, my biological father) died when I was less than two years old. At that time, he was only in his early forties, in the prime of life, and he died young. I heard from my mother that it was still a big group at that time, and he divided the fields into households in the autumn after his death. According to my mother's memory, Dad died in the early morning. He just finished his work that morning and went back to the commune to rest and prepare for breakfast. He sat in a chair, yawned a few times, and fell unconscious. There was no blood on his body and no painful expression on his face. He walked peacefully, as if he were asleep. I later speculated that my dad might have had a sudden myocardial infarction, or why he died so quickly. In short, my dad's death is an unsolved mystery in our family.

according to my cousin, dad was a captain all his life, from the age of seventeen until his death. Dad is honest, eloquent, and has high prestige in the hearts of the masses. Dad had a marriage before he married his mother, and gave birth to a daughter, my eldest sister, who was later raised by his grandparents. Sister's mother, we call her Qiu Ma. Qiu Ma is beautiful, gentle, simple and honest, and a good wife and mother. Helpless grandparents always looked at her unpleasantly and scolded her. Later, when life became unbearable, Dad ended the marriage with her. Later, I was introduced to my mother. My mother's maiden is more than a hundred miles away from my father's house. My mother has fair skin and delicate facial features. When she was young, she was absolutely beautiful. A big yellow flower girl can marry a second-married man, and she also has a daughter, mostly for her father's fame. My grandparents are a fierce role, and they want to bully my mother who just passed the door. Who knows that my mother is not easy to mess with? The first quarrel is preemptive, and the village cadres are invited to judge. Grandparents know that they are wrong, and a family storm can be calmed down. Later, my mother simply asked to be separated from my grandparents, otherwise maybe there would not be our sisters later.

My father and mother gave birth to five children, four daughters and a son, but my elder sister and brother died one after another. Later, my father left four daughters, three sisters and me. Now the elder sister has been dead for nearly twenty years. There are only three of us sisters left.

My birth also experienced some twists and turns. At that time, my father had three daughters. In the 198s, I was catching up with the national family planning program. My father was the captain, so it was natural to set an example. It happened that my mother was pregnant with me at this time. According to the national policy, I also faced the fate of being aborted. My mother is a kind and soft-hearted woman, and her maternal compassion makes her hard. So my mother told my father that the baby in my belly is also a life. He is our own flesh and blood, and she can't be so cruel. And crying in front of dad all day, under the mother's pleading, dad also relented, saying that no matter whether the baby is a son or a daughter, it will be born. Later, because of my super life, I even got into trouble with my family and paid a fine.

As a result, when my mother gave birth to me, it was another girl. Unexpectedly, my father not only didn't dislike me, but also took me to tell my fortune. The pigeon of the fortune teller was signed three times, which said that he would be a double employee in the future. So the fortune-teller said to Dad, this child is blessed with a great life and a good life. Dad likes me even more, and dotes on me very much. He often tells my two sisters not to drop me, saying that this is my son. When she grows up, I still expect to enjoy her happiness.

According to my mother and sisters, when Dad just died, it was time to eat every day as usual, and I would go to the door and call Dad back for dinner. Now recalling the scene at that time, it is estimated that when I shout, the whole family will burst into tears.

I also heard from my mother that my father is a man who knows both cold and heat, and he is considerate. Whenever my mother is confined or sick, he takes good care of her. Sometimes I go to the county town for meetings, and when I come back, I will bring some colored silk threads for women to do needlework. They love each other and seldom quarrel.

When my father died, my second sister was thirteen, my third sister was eleven, and I was less than two years old. In order to hold my father's funeral, I sold all my food and pigs. After dad was buried, my mother took our three sisters, orphans and widows, and life was really hard. Later, someone introduced a man in the town who was going to form a new family with his mother. Who knows that when the man came home, his mother actually took three drag bottles. It was estimated that the burden was too heavy and he was scared to leave, and there was no more. Later, my mother had no choice but to marry Wu Shu, who was ten years older than her in the village, and gave birth to a son, which is my younger brother. Wu Shu's family is isolated, lazy and incompetent. Once upon a time, he was a landlord. He only cared about feeding himself and wearing warm clothes, and never worried about his family's livelihood. My mother has always been in poor health. My younger brother and I are too young. We have to rely on the work of our two sisters to support a family. When they got married, even the bride price given by the man supplemented the family, and there was no dowry for them. It was really difficult for them. After the two sisters married in Henan, there was always famine at home. Later, the second sister took me to her house to study for three years. Thanks to the support of the two sisters, otherwise my brother and I would drop out of school and maybe starve to death. After dad died, the pillar of our family collapsed, and the days of childhood were miserable. I often think that if Dad were alive, the fate of his four daughters might be completely different.

Because I was less than two years old when my father died, I had no memory, and my mind was blank about his voice, face and smile, and all his life stories were hearsay. I often feel a little sorry in my heart, because my father spent too little time with me. But I'm glad that my facial features are very similar to my father's. As the saying goes, a woman follows her father and lives well when she grows up. That's true, too. Maybe my father passed on all her blessings to me. Whenever I miss my dad, I will look at my thin eyebrows in the mirror. Those small eyes will make me feel that my dad is very close to me. Dad's shadow is in my facial features similar to his, in my flowing blood, in my jumping soul, and never far away.

Elder sister's childhood is more enjoyable than ours. Grandparents don't like our younger children, but they love her very much. Grandparents have a small population and plenty of food. When she was a child, Elder sister can at least eat and wear warm clothes. However, grandparents didn't hurt their eldest sister in vain. In their later years, their eldest sister died alone.

although elder sister and we are half-born, there has never been a gap or gap between us. When I was a child, my sisters and I had very good feelings, and I was willing to tell my sisters something. When I reached adolescence, I became sensitive and inferior, and became silent. The second sister and the third sister are married away from home, and only the elder sister is by my side. She always teaches me patiently. She always says that there are too many ups and downs in life, so don't back down when encountering difficulties, and told me not to think too much, but to pay close attention to my studies. With her warmth, I felt that blood is thicker than water. Although I spent a short time with my elder sister, it also left many precious memories, happiness and tenderness in my life.

In fact, among several sisters, the elder sister is the most talented one. She is talented, not only good at studying, but also artistic. She loves painting very much. She often buys white paper and brushes by herself, borrows my art teaching materials, imitates the patterns in the books vividly, and sometimes she creates some landscapes and figures by herself. I have no talent for painting. I can't draw simple figures, such as apples, pears and peaches, let alone landscapes and people. So when I was a child, I admired her very much. What I regret most now is that I didn't ask her for a painting as a souvenir. Most of her paintings, together with other relics, were burned by her family, which is a pity to think of.

Elder sister is also very business-minded. Sometimes she goes back to her hometown or to her sister's house in Henan. When she comes back, she goes to the wholesale city to buy some goods, such as socks and gloves, and brings them back to sell them door to door. The elder sister is eloquent, enthusiastic and always smiles at people, so she is very popular. When the farm is busy, say hello and a large group of people will come to help her transplant rice.

Elder sister is not only talented, but also beautiful. Like her own mother, she is the most beautiful of our sisters. Sometimes I see an actor who looks like her in film and television dramas. My mother always says, Look, this person looks like your elder sister.

I remember that in the spring when I was sixteen years old, when the peach blossoms were in full bloom, a photographer came to the countryside to take pictures. My elder sister said to me, "Sister, we and Zhang Ying, let's keep them as souvenirs." I said I would discuss it with my mother, but later my mother said she had no money and wouldn't let me take photos. After listening to this, she said, "I'll pay for the photo shoot." In fact, I know that her life was also very poor at that time, with old age, small age and poor economy. Now it seems that thanks to her insistence, we can take a group photo and leave me a precious souvenir. It's just that I never thought at that time that it was the last time I took a photo with her in my life, and she left me forever two years later. I still have that photo, so I'll take it out if I miss her.

when I was seventeen years old, I went to work in the south after graduating from junior high school, and I didn't return home until a year later. Unexpectedly, my departure turned out to be a farewell to nature. I came home in winter, but she passed away in October, just a month apart. My dear sister, why don't you wait for January and say goodbye to your beloved sister? When she left, my family didn't inform me. At that time, the communication was not developed, so there was no way to inform me in time. I didn't know the bad news until I got home. When I got back, I only saw a desolate earth grave standing there alone. I didn't cry at that time. I couldn't cry. I can't accept this fact. I feel a deep sadness at the thought that I will never see my elder sister's warm smiling face again and never hear her call me sister sweetly.

slowly, I began to dream, always dreaming about the scene with my elder sister. In her dream, she was exactly the same as before, beautiful, warm and amiable. Finally, one day, whenever I think of her, tears will involuntarily flow out of my eyes. With the growth of age, this nostalgia will become stronger and deeper.

The elder sister committed suicide, only because she quarreled with her brother-in-law. Poor couples are always sad, and life will inevitably stumble. Which family doesn't quarrel? Later, according to her cousin's recollection, she just wanted to scare her brother-in-law with low-toxic pesticides, but she accidentally took highly toxic pesticides and took a few gulps. Just because my brother-in-law was drunk again, she sat dozing off and didn't pay attention. It wasn't until her two daughters cried for mom that she woke up her brother-in-law and rushed to the hospital. However, it was a long way, and before she got halfway, she was stiff and went. When she left, she told her wife that she didn't want to die, and she regretted it. She couldn't bear to part with her two young daughters. Silly sister, if I had known this, why should you have? Life is fragile and precious, and it cannot be profaned or self-mutilated.

For so many years, my biggest concern is my elder sister's two daughters. In the past, every time I went back to my hometown, I never met them. The older one was working outside and the younger one was at school. I thought I was not a competent aunt, I didn't take good care of them, I didn't fulfill my aunt's responsibility, and I didn't buy them a new dress since I was a child. I have done too little for them. When they were young, I was still young and not very sensible. I didn't think about their situation until I became a mother. By the time I tried to make up for it, they had grown up unconsciously and no longer needed my love.

Now, the elder sister's eldest daughter is married and has children, and the younger daughter is also in college. They are all very nice and sensible, and they are not alienated from me because of my fault, which makes me feel very gratified. When she returned to her hometown the year before last, her eldest daughter showed me her wedding CD. Seeing the lively and festive scene and the happy picture of her and the groom, I have mixed feelings and tears, which are tears of happiness, regret and bitterness. I thought to myself, if the elder sister is still alive, if she can see this scene, it would be great. Her daughter has found a happy home, but unfortunately she can't.

I often think, if elder sister had been able to take it easy. With her cleverness and ability, coupled with the improvement of national policies, within three to five years, her family will surely embark on the road of making a fortune. Moreover, the second sister and the third sister are married far away. If my eldest sister is still alive, I will have a sister to talk about confidences when I go back to my family. What a happy and sweet scene it would be!

The year my elder sister died was only thirty-three, and flower of life was in full bloom. I was only eighteen years old that year, and my understanding of life was not deep enough. After she left, I gradually got a deep understanding of death. I hate death. Death is ruthless and cruel. It will deprive a fresh and agile life and understand how fragile life is. My eldest sister gave me a painful and profound lesson at the cost of her life. I will always remind myself to cherish life. Every year after I am thirty-three, I will tell myself that I have lived one year longer than my elder sister. It's nice to be alive, with sunshine and flowers in life!

The two closest relatives in my life left me so decisively. They left me nothing but endless thoughts and endless tears. If time can go back, I hope God can give me an upright and loving father and a beautiful and warm elder sister.

I'm in my thirties. Every year in Tomb-Sweeping Day, I haven't visited my father and elder sister's grave, swept the grave or burned paper money for them. I have also discussed with my sisters that I want to move my father's grave or erect a monument to him. Third Sister said that Dad's grave was well buried, and the surrounding terrain was very bad, and water often accumulated. However, his grave stood upright, showing no signs of collapse, which was a good omen for future generations, and said that the grave should not be moved around. Besides, she went back to her hometown to visit her father's grave two years ago, because all the people around her had moved away, the road was overgrown with grass and thorns, and it was difficult to explore the road on foot with bare hands, not to mention carrying hundreds of pounds of stone tablets. Helpless but powerless, dad can only lie alone on the land thousands of miles away, saying how bleak it is. There is a chance to go to the elder sister's grave, but I never have the courage to go. At home, every year in Tomb-Sweeping Day, my mother would call my brother and me to find a crossroads and burn paper money for our biological father. I believe that you don't have to stick to any form to pay homage to your loved ones. The deepest thoughts in your heart are a kind of memorial, and the tears in your eyes are also a kind of memorial.

every time I go back to my hometown by train, I like to avoid the noisy voices and look at the scenery outside the window. The trees full of mountains and slopes are lush and solemn, as if they will not fall for a thousand years and will not die for ten thousand years. I stared at them silently, and they stared at me quietly, and there was a realm of "there is truth in this, and I have forgotten what I want to say." It seems that my father and elder sister have also become two big trees, quietly accompanying me and driving away the loneliness of the journey for me; Waiting for me silently, escorting me to arrive safely. I always feel that although the bodies of relatives are dead, if they still care too much about their earthly relatives, they will surely turn into something in the world, silently accompanying and guarding us. Because I firmly believe that although life can disappear, love will last forever.

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