Teach you how to enjoy the long speech "Don't yell at children to do their homework"

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Text || Apple Mommy

After school,

I played chess with my boss,

My second son and I made some cookies.

Take my little sister for a walk at the door,

Until the children remembered their homework before going to bed,

I said, "No way, it's time for bed. Let's catch up early tomorrow. "

to be continued ..

"Lion Roar Homework" is a distressing but almost unsolvable problem in today's academic-oriented family education. It doesn't even matter whether you live in China or overseas.

Children's passive attitude towards homework and parents' spirit of supervision to death constitute irreconcilable class contradictions. Every night, there will be a battle for autonomy and power. Sometimes the dolls bow down and end peacefully, and sometimes they rise up in the name of strike. In the days when the weather is right and the people are harmonious, parents and children live in peace and perform their duties; In a bad season, a small exercise book can lead to tit-for-tat and even violent conflicts between close relatives, and eventually both sides will lose.

Does this story only happen in China's family education? Of course not.

Speaking of it, there are very few school assignments in New Zealand. At present, the oldest is 8 years old and the youngest is 6 years old. Both of them do their homework within 30 minutes every day. However, the following factors may also aggravate daily homework conflicts:

1

Optional homework: Like China, teachers in New Zealand give children some optional homework. For example, the use of mathematical software may take 60 minutes per week, and the recommended time is 90 minutes; In addition to reading the little books brought back from school every day, the teacher also left a few columns empty for parents to fill in other extracurricular readings carried out by their children. Demanding parents may also directly define "optional homework" as "required homework", instead of letting Xiong Haizi choose to muddle along by himself.

2

Parents are overweight: What if there is too little homework at school? Not only parents in China are overweight, but also parents of foreigners give their children cram schools and do Kumon papers every day. Once the overweight factor is involved, the length of homework depends entirely on the parents' ideas, and has nothing to do with the school. For example, my children have to do Chinese homework every day, which is also overweight because their classmates don't need to do it.

three

Extracurricular interests: Perhaps the most common is the musical instrument class. Children nowadays, learning piano and violin, don't they need to practice every day? A child may be as short as 15 minutes, and an hour of exercise every day is always inevitable.

four

Shortening of disposable time: if the lengthening of homework time is not the most fatal, then the decreasing disposable time of children is the last straw to overwhelm the camel under the flood of various extracurricular classes. On weekdays, I finish school at 3 pm, go home after the last interest class at 5 pm, then have dinner, take a shower and go to bed at 8: 30, which is more than 2 hours' disposable time. For young children, I'm afraid I don't want to give priority to this rare leisure.

I'm not afraid to laugh. My husband and I have been yelling at my boss for more than a year since he was 5 years old in primary school in New Zealand. Speaking of which, he agreed to learn Chinese by himself. My child pestered me for several months before agreeing to buy a lower-cost electric piano (it won't be too painful if I give up halfway), and the daily practice requirement is only 15 minutes. Even so, this string was torn back and forth, which made me finally make up my mind to completely abandon power politics and adhere to the democratic line the year before last. Here, let's review the painful experience of that year.

One of the Broken String Trilogy: I quit!

At first, the boss went to Chinese school every Saturday, and he had about 15 minutes of Chinese homework every day. Once, for fun, he didn't do his Chinese homework for a week. So on a Friday night, I stared at him and asked him to make up his Chinese homework for a whole week so that he could hand in his homework on time the next day. That night, in the roar of my husband and I, the boss cried his eyes out, dragging his feet until late at night, and almost every few minutes, he staged a drama of "begging for mercy, being rejected, yelling, going straight out of the study, being pulled back to the table by me, crying and continuing to do his homework"

What are the consequences of finishing those homework? The consequence was that he refused to go to Chinese school the next day. Even if I have the ability to bring him into the classroom, he dares to say directly to the Chinese teacher who has taught him for a year, "Teacher, I don't want to learn!" "

I had to take the teacher away after his repeated persuasion failed. From then on, I knew that in a power struggle with children, the winner must be him, not the seemingly fierce parents.

After half a year's rest, the boss returned to Chinese.

Broken string trilogy II: Mom, I hate you!

Worse than giving up, these daily contradictions have dealt a heavy blow to the parent-child relationship. During the days when I yelled at my children to do their homework, I almost forgot how to talk to them well, how to communicate with them about eating and drinking in Lhasa and other things besides homework. Every day when I come home, I am like a headless fly, watching the children do all the meaningless things for me. When I saw the needle, I threatened him to do his homework and play the piano first, let alone pay attention to or participate in those "useless work". Seeing that good voice doesn't work, my anger and volume are rising in frustration.

Finally, I sincerely said to my boss, "Let's give up learning the piano. Neither you nor your mother is ready to add the promise of practicing piano every day to your busy life. "

Parent-child relationship and musical instruments, without the ability to take care of both, my balance can only fall to the former.

Broken string trilogy Part III: Three children at home can't afford to be hurt.

Giving up power completely is after the second child goes to primary school. I finally understand that it is not only ineffective but also impossible for families with many children, especially families with both parents and employees, to discipline their children's studies by force.

If there is only one child, maybe I still have enough energy to play cat and mouse with him. There are three children in my family. Even if my husband and I just go home from work to do homework every day, without the active support of our children, it is impossible to drive our teammates to successfully complete more and more learning tasks in the future like these three little pigs.

It's easier said than done.

Now many people are familiar with the basic theory of western child psychology-natural consequence method, which is to let children experience the consequences of their own actions and give them a real learning opportunity, so as to stimulate their healthy behavior, instead of imposing their parents' wishes on them.

For example, the natural consequence of children's procrastination in the morning is being late; The natural consequence of refusing to eat well at dinner is to be hungry and so on.

However, in practice, it is not easy to achieve the expected effect by relying on this theory alone. For example, children refuse to play the piano and do not want to learn Chinese. What is the natural consequence of this kind of thing?

In recent two years, I have read many books on western children's psychology and participated in some local family education seminars. At the same time, in the process of struggling with three children, I gradually summed up three misunderstandings about the "natural consequences law."

Perhaps, it is not that the "natural consequence method" is not easy to use, but that our method is wrong.

Even if the correct "natural consequence method" is applied, it can successfully penetrate into most children's behavior problems, including homework.

Wrong idea

# 1

The natural result is to set penalties and rewards.

normal solution

Let the natural results happen firmly and calmly,

Firmly and calmly achieve a stable logical result.

The first mistake we habitually make is to exaggerate or endlessly repeat the so-called natural consequences:

If you don't eat dinner, you will be hungry! I closed my watch and I won't give you anything to eat tonight!

If you don't get up, you will be late for school. It's you who are embarrassed. I don't care!

If you don't do your homework, you will be scolded by the teacher! Go to school tomorrow and see what you tell the teacher!

It can be seen that in these threatening words, we abruptly turned the so-called natural consequences into a power struggle. What children hear in it is not the natural consequences, but the control desire of parents trying to control everything.

Whether this so-called natural result finally happens or not, it is impossible to stimulate children's positive behavior. Because,

If the child is not hungry, embarrassed to be late and scolded by the teacher, then the parents' words may be characterized as "intimidation that goes in one ear and out the other" for a long time;

And if these consequences really happen, for example, if you make your child hungry all night, you will embarrass him because he is late, or let him be criticized for not doing his homework. Children will also characterize these natural consequences as your punishment, which will lead to anger and confrontation, rather than positive behavior.

The so-called calm and firm means that the consequences that are clear to children need not be mentioned, and the consequences that are unclear to children can only be mentioned once at most.

Don't think that your child didn't hear what you said without responding to your reminder. He didn't respond just because he didn't want to hear you toss and turn a hidden order.

For example, if you want your child to experience the natural consequences of staying in bed in the morning, you can tell your child (only once) that he will get up the night before, and then set the alarm clock with him. Then the next morning, the alarm clock rang, and you found that the child had pressed the alarm clock and went back to sleep. At this time, please refrain from saying anything, do what you should do, and even read a magazine at leisure until the child is naturally awake, calmly and firmly send him to school as usual at the latest time. Don't give artificial acceleration or help at last, let alone threaten the possible consequences. Three key words are repeated here: no nagging, gentleness and firmness.

Similarly, what are the natural consequences of not doing school homework? I'm afraid children know better than you and I do. It is meaningless for us to remind or exaggerate repeatedly. Only when a child finds out that his parents are not responsible for his homework and have no control over the homework he must finish can he develop the mentality of being responsible for himself.

In addition, with regard to natural results, we need to carefully explain its synonym-reasonable logical results.

In fact, not all actions can allow natural consequences. For example, if a child runs into the road by himself, he will be in danger of being hit by a car, and it is impossible to allow him to challenge the law.

At the same time, the natural consequences of some behaviors are long-term, and it is difficult to see the clues at present. For example, the consequences of children who immigrate to China not learning Chinese.

At this time, parents need to design reasonable and short-term logical consequences and implement them calmly and steadily.

For example, every time a child is found trying to run into the road, he will be gently and firmly stuffed into the stroller with a seat belt regardless of crying, and he will no longer be allowed to play freely in the yard, forming a conditioned reflex.

For example, homework that is not finished before going to bed on weekdays will be made up on weekends; But if you don't finish your homework on the weekend, you can't arrange any outing or children's party. Even if there are pre-arranged activities, you can only cancel them. (There is also a skill of a family with many children, that is, one person makes a mistake and the third child is unlucky. As long as one child doesn't finish his homework, everyone can't go out. Finally, there will be assistance and supervision between the children. Why should brothers and sisters get along in the same boat? I'll write about it later when I have the chance.

The difference between punishment and consequences is only in the word "reasonable logic".

Wrong idea

#2

Do everything possible to correct it beforehand and clean up all the mess afterwards.

normal solution

Allow the child to make mistakes and allow him to bear the consequences;

Don't be soft-hearted to clean up the mess for him, and don't be an obstacle to his growth.

Urge the child to pick up the toys. If he ignores you and plays by yourself, you pick up the toys at last. That's not love.

Don't leave anything in the child's schoolbag. He's just too lazy to check. In the end, every time something is missing, you will willingly give it to him. That's not love.

Children are called to do their homework. He always dawdles half an hour into two hours, and you are willing to leave everything behind and stay with them all the time. That's not love.

Please tell your children:

"I believe you can pack your toys by yourself." Then walk away. If there is no result, let the toys that have not been taken away disappear quietly for a while (the story of the toy fairy toy market is circulated among local children, who love to take away the toys that have not been cleaned up).

"I believe you can get your school supplies ready." And throw it away. If anything is missing, don't blame or help. Just say sincerely, "What you forgot today is definitely inconvenient and uncomfortable, but it doesn't matter. Everyone is negligent sometimes. Maybe we can think about how to reduce this situation together. "

"You can always come to your mother when you need to do your homework, but your mother can only give you 30 minutes to accompany each child alone, otherwise your mother will have no time to do housework." If it's overtime, leave resolutely and let him go. Please let your child bear the consequences of "having to do homework without company" or even failing to finish the homework in the end.

Indeed, you may worry about children cutting corners and doodling. But we can see that sometimes children fish in troubled waters because they know that you care too much and regard laziness as a provocation, which has become his most handy weapon against authority.

If you don't mind, there is no sail to blow in this wind. In fact, only by letting go can children realize what kind of person they want to be, and then develop self-discipline.

When writing this story, it happened that the boss came back from the xylophone band. It's already past 8 o'clock in the evening. He picked up a pen and paper and began to draft the manifesto of his newly elected monitor. He talked about asking his mother for advice, but after sitting down, he wrote for 20 minutes without saying a word. After that, I muttered something in my mouth, preparing to host the weekly meeting of all primary schools for the first time the next day. This "homework" doesn't need reminding, no matter how late it is, he won't forget it, and he doesn't have to be accompanied by his parents, just because he thinks he wants to do it, and his parents may not even know it in advance.

Let the consequences happen peacefully. First of all, parents need to let go of their obsession of "trying to make their children do everything well"

Everyone makes mistakes, but few mistakes turn into disasters. Many times, we don't know that our actions are wrong until the results appear. Sometimes, we have to make a mistake before we know it's a mistake.

Only the puppet who pulls the wire will step on every beat under the command. Dancers always find their most beautiful streamline after countless trial and error exercises.

I think it is very important to move the second generation of children to learn Chinese, but at the same time I can accept the fact that he doesn't want to learn Chinese for the time being; I admit that I invested a lot in learning musical instruments at the beginning, but at the same time I can accept the fact that my children want to give up learning musical instruments.

Whenever a child starts a new commitment, I will agree with him on three things:

1

The bottom line of this study is. For example, one class a week, practicing piano 15 minutes every day, and finishing Chinese homework every week. If you can't complete the bottom line, it is equivalent to withdrawing from the promise.

2

Minimum commitment period. For example, the piano investment is relatively large, and the minimum commitment period is 3 years; The investment of electric piano is relatively small, and the minimum commitment period is 1 year; For general interest classes, the shortest commitment period is usually one semester (about 10 week). After the commitment period expires, the child can freely choose whether to renew the contract.

three

Consequences of withdrawal before the expiration of the commitment period. According to the loss amount of withdrawal, it rises in turn:

A. no pocket money for a month

B. All children can't eat out for one month (the principle that one person makes a mistake and all children are unlucky).

C. Don't hold a birthday party/arrange a cross-country trip that year (if giving up a large musical instrument is such a heavy loss).

In the face of this contract, our child will become cautious (provided that he knows that his parents will keep their promises) and understand that the right to enter and leave is in his own hands. At the same time, for major investments, children need to persuade their brothers and sisters to agree, because if they quit halfway, causing losses, their brothers and sisters may also be unlucky (unable to eat out, unable to travel, etc.). ).

This kind of contracting method can be said to be very effective, so that my children and I can avoid nagging about homework. As long as we allow the child to quit and firmly "allow" him to bear the consequences of quitting, the conflict will be fundamentally resolved.

There is only one exception-what if the extracurricular content is that you want your child to learn, but the child doesn't want to learn much?

For example, moving the second generation of children to Chinese schools.

Don't talk about conditional contracts. Even if there is no exit condition, children may not want to learn Chinese. What should we do?

My answer is-allow unconditional abandonment.

Now that you are in, say to the child, "Try it and see if you can stick to it?"

Then finally, please be consistent, respect the child's decision and allow him to quit unconditionally.

According to the "broken string" mentioned above, the boss completely broke his Chinese for half a year, and I didn't let him go to Chinese school again.

However, if you don't go to a Chinese school, you can't continue to learn Chinese. Of course not.

All roads lead to Rome. If the child is unwilling to enter into a contract to study, and the parents very much hope that the child will continue. Then, the only thing we can do is to guide and cultivate ourselves.

About half a year after the Chinese string was broken, I began to read along a set of Chinese grading reading system with my children and parents. Later, I found that my boss loved to listen to Journey to the West, so I bought a full set of Pinyin Annotations and read them together every day.

During this period, I also took him back to China from time to time (mainly to let the boss experience the inconvenience of not knowing Chinese). At last, my child's school opened a compulsory Chinese class, and my second child began to attend a Chinese school. Under the influence of these internal and external factors, the boss finally took the initiative to say to me recently: "Mom, maybe I can go to the after-school Chinese class in our school. My friend Jerry said he would go too. "

In this way, after about a year and a half, the boss resumed Chinese. This time, I didn't ask for a contract, but gave encouragement and permission to quit.

Speaking of it, if the boss comes to New Zealand at the age of four, his Chinese reading and writing ability is probably worse than that of some local China children who attach importance to Chinese learning, but I'm not too entangled. As parents, the first thing to avoid is the obsession of "trying to make children excellent in all aspects". Children have insignificant power in some ways. What's more, it doesn't really matter if you start learning at this age. What matters is when you can stick to it independently.

Wrong idea

#3

The law of natural consequences is to let him die.

normal solution

Love, and loving relationships,

Is the premise of all methods.

About half a year ago, I came home from work every day and did nothing but ask my children to cook a dish with me first. On the one hand, this is the hungriest moment of their day, and simple meals can instantly become delicious food; Second, we need an easy way to nourish the relationship without utility.

When they are interested, they will help cut a dish, marinate a meat, or pretend to fry a few times; When you have a bad interest, you don't want to do anything (in fact, this is the vast majority of cases). I had to say, "My mother's menu contains the most important thing, called love. Without the formula of love, it is not delicious. " Since it's not delicious, let's cook noodles tonight. "

For me, the formula of "love" doesn't require children to do extra work. They just need to watch me cook quietly. I said to them, "Love is your attention and time."

Then, a wonderful change happened.

Obviously, they don't waste too much food. I said I didn't want to eat before and I didn't feel any pain. Now my brother can't eat any more, so he will feed it to his sister, explaining that there is a formula of "love" in it. It's a shame to throw it away.

On a deeper level, maybe you don't believe this is relevant. They won't delay their homework for long.

They no longer use homework as a weapon to fight with me. On the one hand, I left the bull's-eye, stopped urging, and took their lessons as mine; Second, when a child is nourished by love, it is easier for him to show his original appearance, instead of deliberately being naughty and procrastinating to cause confrontation and concern.

At the beginning of the natural consequences law, I took a detour. At that time, the children came home from school and asked me to play games with them, walk in front of my house and cook together. I refused on the grounds that my homework had not been finished.

In the end, although the so-called natural consequences law was implemented, the children felt terrible. They feel that the mother is indifferent, just like a robot, but it is just a disguised form of true and false consultation, and does not really give the choice to the child.

In other words, playing games and walking with children has nothing to do with doing homework. If you don't finish your homework, you won't accompany your child. That's still punishment, not a logical natural consequence.

If you put love on the main premise,

We will know that love is unconditional, and any natural consequences will not be linked to parents' love. Therefore, there is no natural consequence, that is, mom ignores you and mom doesn't like you;

We will know that although we will calmly let the natural consequences happen when the child tries to make mistakes and does not happen as expected, we will not express dissatisfaction and complaints;

We will know that the embarrassing consequences have happened. Although we refrain from helping our children clean up the mess, we will never be sarcastic: "Who told you not to listen, you asked for it!" But to give understanding and * * *.

We will know that when children engage in positive behaviors, we always have eyes of discovery and mouths of encouragement, which are repeatedly strengthened from ordinary daily life.

End of movement

The last piece of advice is, don't mistakenly think that democracy can change suddenly.

Please be prepared, the transfer process will be an exercise, an exercise of parents' parenting mentality.

I clearly remember that at the beginning, I played chess with my children for about two weeks, made cookies and took a walk after school. Usually, children don't think about their homework until they go to bed. Sometimes they can finish it, and sometimes they can only finish what they have to hand in the next day. Then, they canceled all the children's appointments for two whole days at the weekend. Finally, I made up my homework at home, watched my brother finish it and asked him to finish it quickly.

This process is not so much a test for children as a test for parents.

In fact, the deeper the original repression, the stronger the rebound after the implementation of democracy, like a spring. However, after a period of free play, children will gradually learn to relax on the basis of natural consequences (or reasonable logical consequences).

Although the process is difficult, the result is once and for all. Today, after dinner every day, Big Brother, Second Brother and Second Brother will always "cut paper with stones" to decide who will accompany their mother to read homework first. Even my nearly three-year-old sister came to join in the fun and asked for homework. Sometimes I will make a gesture to ask them to wait, or help me collect my clothes before starting.

Maybe we should really relax, put ourselves in a comfortable position of love and appreciation, and give our children freedom-not only the freedom to choose, but also the freedom to bear the natural consequences independently.

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