If there is an afterlife, I want to be your mother.

The day after tomorrow is Mother's Day. Without the miracle I've been praying for, my mother would have spent the last Mother's Day in the ward.

I still remember a dream I had more than once in my childhood. I think it should be my first nightmare in my life: in my dream, a tiger was chasing me and my mother. My mother pushed me into a small pit on the side of the road, but she couldn't get in. The tiger was about to rush behind her, and I called out to my mother in horror ... every time I woke up at this critical moment, I smiled with relief. Now, the tiger has eaten its mother, which is a rare and extremely difficult to diagnose malignant peritoneal mesothelioma. My mother has been hospitalized in several hospitals for more than two months. In the first month, I woke up several nights, opened the door and looked into the corridor. There are no slippers at the door of my parents' room. I'm sure this is not a nightmare that can be awakened. She is still suffering from illness alone in the hospital.

When my mother was young, she experienced a medical accident and a death gate. At that time, there was no me. Maybe she was born strong and optimistic, maybe life gave her too much exercise, and her mother was a fighter. This time, she still stubbornly faced the challenge of winning by miracle. Mom doesn't like to complain, although fate is so cruel to her-misdiagnosed as tuberculous peritonitis has made rare cancer with few effective treatments develop to the point where there is almost no feasible treatment; Lung infection on the eve of hot perfusion chemotherapy led to acute heart failure and respiratory failure, which not only forced her into ICU, but also took away the only chance to effectively contain tigers from her. Mom, a winner who is used to taking her fate into her own hands in life and work, has no strength to fight back in the face of the ferocious reality this time. If there is no strong soul in her weak body, she may not be able to escape from the ICU at all.

My mother's life of sincere and enthusiastic embrace deceived her and abandoned her, no matter how open and excellent she was, there was no room for bargaining. This is the cruel fact that makes me angry. But I have no right to complain because fate gave me the best mother. My mother is the person who cares about me the most, supports me the most and loves me the most, but she always keeps her distance from me except when I am sick. When I was a child, the two words she mentioned most to me were "competing with competition" and "independence". My mother didn't always hug me tightly, nor did she ask me to follow her closely, so I can embrace my life and the world, which is the life she wants her son to live. I want to apply for universities in other provinces, resign, emigrate, buy a house, sell a house, resign, start a business, move, not have children, have children ... As long as it is my decision, my mother has never said a word "no". She supports me wholeheartedly, contributes money and finds a relationship ... There is no second person in the world who can do this to me. The way my mother gives me a sense of security is not to hug me tightly, but to become a warm updraft that has never stopped under my wings. When I was young, she always encouraged me to leave my comfort zone. What I remember most is that I just returned from Canada, looking for a new direction, a new position and a new job. I am in my twenties, anxious and confused. My mother, who usually advocates "improvisation", told me her plan: "You don't have to be afraid, just do what you want and try boldly. I can work long hours. I bought you insurance. Don't worry about your life or anything. If you want to do something seriously, you will be rewarded. " Although I have never thought about living by my mother's hard work, I have always maintained a sense of crisis that life needs to go against the wind, but it is my mother's support and infection that gives me the courage and strength to resist the wind and rain, which is the light that will always shine in front of my life.

As long as I can remember, my mother only asked me twice. For the first time, I was asked to get married and hold a wedding reception. "I only have one son. You got married on my behalf, and I can't let it pass in silence. Besides, my in-laws also married their eldest daughter. Not having a banquet will affect the relationship between the two families. " The second time, on an afternoon a few days ago, my frail mother lay in her hospital bed and calmly said to me, "It seems that I can't go home here and Guangzhou, and finally I can't leave this Jiujiang Hospital. (Death) happens to everyone once. I have nothing to think about. I have to spend a lot of money to treat and rescue with various tubes. Don't do this. This is my request, and you and the doctor will find a way to make my road comfortable. " I was speechless and had to touch the back of her hand gently.

In fact, watching my mother's little body wither and the infectious look in her eyes fade away day by day, I know that the time to say goodbye to her is getting closer and closer, although I am very sad. A month ago, when my mother's health turned sharply, when I deeply realized the profound lyrics of "no matter how capable a person is, he can't fight against fate mercilessly", I wondered what else I could do and say to comfort my tired mother who fought against bad luck. I want to tell her that with a mother like her, a competitive and independent son will take care of the family she has been missing. I don't want to wait until that moment, this Mother's Day, I will say to my mother: Mom, thank you for letting me be myself in this life. If there is an afterlife, I will be your mother.