Who can tell some super funny jokes?

On this day, the teacher asked each of us to tell a joke about Mandarin, and our group's program was (Meeting).

The sketch is about "a countryman takes everyone to a cabin for a meeting." The host said, "no pickles, sausage." "

The county magistrate said: rabbits, shrimps and dogs ate today's meal, and everyone is a big jerk! Comrades and villagers, enough food for today. Let's make a big bowl! )

(After a while) The county magistrate said: Don't be a pickle! I'll give you a piece of shit ...

The county magistrate said: Someone ate this shit.

The county magistrate said: It doesn't matter if you don't eat.

The county magistrate said:

I will give it to you now.

Mom said my IQ was only 76. I don't know how high my IQ is I only know that I am a very lethal person. Many people have been hurt because of me. Some of them lost hope in life, and some even committed suicide. So I have always suspected that I have a potential superpower, and this superpower has had a particularly strong effect on my teacher for some reason.

I remember the first teacher who died because of me. At that time, I was in the first grade of primary school, and my teacher took us to the wild for a natural practice class. Seeing the spring breeze blowing green and the willows sprouting branches, the teacher couldn't help thinking of a question, so he asked, "Students, do you know how to tell the wind direction?" "I know!" A little girl in my class replied, picking up a leaf from the ground and throwing it into the air. "Pick up something and throw it into the air and watch it float there." "Well, that's good." The teacher praised, "Who else would like to show you again and see what wind is blowing now?" "me!" I volunteered, picked up half a brick from the ground and threw it into the air. ...

"Teacher, it's blowing up and down now!"

…………

I can't remember clearly what the teacher looked like at that time. I only remember that he struggled a few times and then died. Later, according to the hospital doctor, he died because of sudden strong stimulation, which led to retrograde qi and blood. In this way, I killed a people's teacher

The first grade teacher taught us poultry and animals.

Teacher: "There is an animal with two feet. Every morning when the sun comes out, it will wake you up and wake you up. What animal is it? "

I replied, "Mom!" Laughing so hard that the teacher almost died!

After I came home from the mid-term exam, my mother asked me how I did in the exam. My baby son said I didn't fill in a question. My mother asked what it was. My precious son said, there is a question asking me how much I get when I multiply 3 by 7. I don't care. I filled in 15. My mother sprayed the water she just drank on my father's face. Hey ... I'm great!

My father asked me how school was.

"Dear son," the father asked, "is your female teacher satisfied with you?"

"Ah, yes, Dad, very satisfied."

"How do you know? Did she tell you herself? "

"Of course, dad. The day before yesterday, she said to me,' If all the students are like you, I will leave school at once!' This shows that I have learned everything. "My dad's brain immediately:" @ $ # $% # $ # "*-..." @ $ # $ # "

One day in math class, the teacher asked 1+ 1 =? , I said I don't know. The teacher asked me to ask. I asked my mother who was cooking to let me out. I asked dad, and dad watched the ball again and shouted "cool!" . I asked my sister, and she sang until the baby. I asked my brother, and he said on the phone, I will wait for you outside.

The next day, the teacher asked 1+ 1 =? I said; Fuck off, the teacher slapped me, I yelled, the teacher called me a loser, and I called me mean. Old saying; Get out. I said; Baby, I'll wait for you outside. Our math teacher had a high blood pressure on the spot and fainted. ...

When primary school has Chinese class, all Chinese teachers in the school go to listen to Teacher Ni's class. Teacher Ni wrote a word "Bei" on the blackboard and asked me, "Do you know this word?" I answered "no", so Teacher Ni began to inspire me: "Do you have a bed at home?" I answered "Yes" and "What's on the bed?" "Summer sleeping mat" "Where is the summer sleeping mat?" I replied, "My mother", and Teacher Ni thought, this is also true. My mother was covered with a quilt, and then I was inspired: "What about your mother?" "My dad". Teacher Ni didn't expect me to say this. She made a fool of herself in front of so many teachers and asked anxiously, "What about the quilt?" I replied, "The quilt is on the ground." Teacher Ni was so angry that she got lamb disease in the general hospital!

Later, the school changed a teacher and asked us to make sentences. I finished my homework calmly. The teacher was impressed with me. The sentence I wrote is:

Sad-the ditch in front of our house is very sad.

If canned food is not as nutritious as fruit juice.

Naive-it's really hot today, and it's a good day for swimming.

Ten points-it's a pity that my sister only got ten points in math.

Relax, I always start with simple things.

Ginseng-the teacher said that we should take part in the relay of the brigade tomorrow, so we must do our best.

Quilt-Xiaoyu's sanitary quilt was stolen.

Lunch-Xiaoming takes defecation as the first thing to get up every morning.

The teacher touched my head and said sternly, "Go home from school and strive for 10. When I got home, I was ready to finish the homework assigned by the substitute teacher when there was no one there. I went to the toilet and began to paint the walls with feces. I painted the bathroom with ten strips, and I was satisfied with my homework before I stopped. " My family came back to scold me. The next day, my mother told the principal that the substitute teacher misunderstood the child. Later, the substitute teacher was fired. Alas ..... I said to myself psychologically, "I am very active, and ugliness is not my intention. God don't lose your temper, I will live bravely and set off the beauty of the world! ! ! ! ! ! ! "

One morning in class, while chewing gum, I put my feet on the aisle.

At this moment, the teacher said to me, "Please spit out your mouth and put your feet in."

My brain: "@ $ # $% # $ #"

In the days that followed, several teachers suffered misfortune one after another. Fortunately, no one died and there was no big leak. But my fame spread like wildfire and I became a celebrity in the city for a time. However, celebrities also have the pain of celebrities, and I deeply realized this.

When I was in junior high school, the physics teacher asked me in physics class: You say, how to change tracks? Me: According to the Diamond Sutra, if a person does something bad in Yangshiguang, he will become a ghost after death! It turned out that the teacher was talking about how the satellite changed its orbit!

I was awakened by the teacher when I was sleeping in history class. The teacher asked me, "Who did Princess Wencheng marry?"

Little Wang Sheng told me, "Songzan Gambu." I didn't hear clearly, so I opened my mouth and answered, "Song Dynasty cadres." Later, history failed.

One day, I came back from the barber shop to be cool. As soon as I opened the door, all the girls exclaimed, "Cool Brother is here!" I am embarrassed to scratch my head: "Where! Where! Just cut a cool head. " It happened that the headmaster passed by and said solemnly, "I want to pay for a trouser head!" " "Our brains are on horses! & amp$ # & amp* & amp^%#*&； Yeah, it's nothing. I walked to the dormitory and went downstairs from the girls' dormitory. I saw a good friend and boasted loudly, Look, I got a cool haircut. On the second floor, a girl immediately put her head out and said, my trouser head! ! ! You picked my pants! ! ! ! ! !

The next day, the biology teacher brought a bird wrapped in cloth. Then he exposed the bird's legs and asked the students to guess what kind of bird it was. I really don't know, so I handed in a blank sheet of paper. The teacher looked very angry and asked, "Why did you hand in a blank sheet of paper?" What's your name? "When I heard this, I rolled up my trouser legs angrily and said," Now it's your turn to guess who I am? "Biology teacher immediately fell ~ ~ ~ ~

My fame has caused me a lot of trouble. For the safety of teachers, all middle schools in the city refused to accept me. No way, I went to the countryside with infinite yearning for key middle schools. Although the conditions of middle schools in rural areas are a little bitter, I still live very comfortably without the pressure of public opinion. However, gold always shines, and the unique silence of rural middle schools did not restrain my outbreak. By chance, I was born again, suddenly emerged, and quickly occupied the rural market.

One day, I was late, and the teacher asked,' Why are you late today? I said: I took my neighbor's uncle's wild boar to breed in the morning, so I came late. Before the teacher finished listening, he opened his eyes wide and said, "This should be made by the uncle next door." I was puzzled and said, "This must be a wild boar. The uncle next door is not an animal."

It was a quiz, and our class was tied with another class after the final. So the host announced the final decision: each class draws lots to send a representative. Two representatives will guess the coin again. The right person asks the wrong person a question. If the wrong person answers correctly, the wrong person wins. On the other hand, the category set in which the correct guesser belongs wins. Spirit of heaven, spirit of the earth, my job is to hide. As a representative, I was drawn, successfully guessed the wrong coin and entered the question-and-answer stage. Teachers and classmates suddenly became nervous, and everyone looked at me with eager eyes. Teacher Li, in particular, looked heavy and said nothing. I also felt some pressure, but not because of this, but because of my opponent-Wang Xiaofo, who was the most powerful "teacher killer" in our school at that time, and he also saved several human cases. It is said that the last principal was destroyed in its hands. However, I still have some confidence, because in any case, I am also a person who has criticized. The problem begins.

Wang Xiaofo put his hands in his trouser pockets and said slowly, "My mother cooked some eggs in my pocket today. Do you know how many? " "hey!" There was an uproar around. I don't know why everyone is booing, but I know this question has aroused my great interest. Eggs! I hardly heard what he asked. I only heard the word "egg" clearly. You know, in the hard years in the countryside, there was almost nothing to eat. There are two eggs that are really delicious. I seem to see shiny egg whites and yellow yolk. "If I get it right, will you give me a meal?" I have long forgotten what quizzes and class honors are. I'm only interested in eggs, eggs! "If you get it right, I'll give you two eggs." "hey!" There is an uproar again. I saw the other classmate's face startled, and the classmates cheered and hugged each other to celebrate the victory. Miss Li also gave me a happy look. I don't know what they are happy about, but everyone is smiling at me. I smiled shyly at them and then answered, "Is it five dollars?"

The students' smiles suddenly stopped, and gradually, the ebb tide generally disappeared without a trace. Another classmate suddenly shouted and laughed. Things in this world change quickly. In a blink of an eye, everyone was crying and laughing and didn't know what to do. I haven't had time to think about what is going on. The meeting was suddenly in chaos. I saw a man lying on his back, spraying blood in his mouth, and then slowly fell down.

"Miss Li!"

"Miss Li! ! ! "

It's our head teacher! I rushed there, too. I saw the teacher pale, eyes closed and unconscious. "He killed Miss Li!"

"It's him!"

"It's him! ! ! "

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Swish swish swish swish swish! ! !

Angry eyes shot at me like sharp arrows.

My eyes went blank, and a voice came back to my ear: "Duo Long! Close the door! Let the dog go! Idle people will all retreat! "

Later, it was said that Miss Li did not die, but was seriously ill. After leaving the hospital, she saw through the world of mortals and became a monk in Wutai Mountain. She never taught again.

Super funny! An excuse for poor grades! !

Life is from China, and death is the soul of China.

It is impossible for me to learn English.

I failed English because I am patriotic.

Failing math is my true colors.

My failure in Chinese highlights my character.

Despise physics because you believe in Jesus?

Hate history because you believe in the present?

Ignoring geography because you love your family?

If students fail in the exam, they really can't be blamed for the following reasons:

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1. Weekend: There are 52 Sundays in a year, so there are 52× 2 = 104 days off. Excluding these days, it's only 26 1 day a year.

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2. Winter and summer vacations: About two months in a year are either very hot or very cold, so you can't study, so after deducting 60 days of winter and summer vacations, it is only 20 1 day a year?

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3. The annual statutory holidays account for 10 days, and only 1, 9 1 day is left in one year after deduction?

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Sleeping 8 hours a day accounts for one year 122 days, and there are only 69 days left after deduction?

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One and a half hours of eating, snacks and fruit every day takes up 23 days, so if you deduct it, there are only 46 days left in a year?

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6. The game time per day 1 hour accounts for one year 15 days, and only 3 1 day is left after deducting one year?

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7. The communication time per day 1 hour accounts for one year 15 days. After deducting it, there are only 16 days in a year?

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8. Going to the movies, shopping or other activities takes up 10 days a year, and there are 6 days left after deduction?

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9. It is estimated that if you are sick for five days a year, then there is only 1 day left in a year?

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10. Is it today or your birthday?

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How can students pass the exam with so little study time? Fools may not turn, don't blame me, I was forced, too?

Be sure to look down! Guaranteed to be funny!

1 examiner: to what extent?

Candidate: I didn't graduate from primary school.

Examiner: Have you ever been in a fight?

Candidate: This is the usual practice.

Examiner: Do you have a criminal record?

Candidate: Just came out.

Examiner: What about physical fitness?

Candidate: Not bad. You can kick over the peddler's tricycle with one foot.

Examiner: Dare to take other people's things?

Examinee: This is my strong point, just like taking my own things.

Examiner: Does the old man dare to fight?

Candidate: Cai Xiao, my father crippled me.

Examiner: You passed the exam. What our urban management needs is talents like you!

Examiner: One more question. What if something happens?

Candidate: Just say it's a temporary worker.

Examiner: Work tonight.

2. One day on the bus, a man and a woman collided because of the crowd.

The fashionable girl turned around and said, "Are you sick?"

Confused, the man replied, "Do you have any medicine?"

The people in the car snickered!

The woman felt very angry and replied, "Are you mentally ill?"

The man said coldly, "Can it be cured?"

The whole car is hilarious!

The bus driver stopped to lie on the steering wheel and laugh!

Second:

The bus was too crowded, and a woman stood at the door.

A GG pushed from the back of the car to get off and said to the woman, "Sorry, get off."

The woman didn't move.

GG stepped on her when she pushed over.

As a result, the woman was too powerful and kept scolding: "You are crazy! You're crazy! ~ ~ ",loud enough for the whole car to watch.

GG hasn't spoken. When he got off the bus, he couldn't bear it. He turned to the woman and said, "Repeater!"

There are some funny children in the back who have been playing the scene just now.

A said, "You are crazy! ............................... "B" said, "You repeat the machine, and you .............................................."

The whole car burst into laughter ~!

Later, a little MM also got off the bus, squeezed past and said timidly, "I ~ I ~ I want to go down, I'm not crazy ~!" "

The whole car laughed again ~!

The woman didn't speak, and a word came from the side: "Are you out of power?"

The whole car is laughing ~!

3. Confucius said; Hit with bricks, don't play around! Press the head! Whether you die or not!

Buddha said; Bullshit! I am kind! Stop playing! A brick is dead! ! !

On Monday, I got on the bus with nothing but 1 yuan. Sitting from the starting point to the finish line, I feel very calm all the way. But when I got off at the terminal, I found a note in my pants: "An adult goes out without anything, and it's no shame to lose it." - "

On Tuesday, I took a broken wallet with 1 cent in it. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession. - "

On Wednesday, I still broke my wallet, which contained counterfeit money of 100. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "It is illegal to hide large denomination counterfeit banknotes. Please consciously hand it over to the relevant departments. - "

On Thursday, I took an envelope containing a stack of overdue Straits Got Talent. When I arrived at the terminal, I found the envelope was still there. I took out the newspaper and read it. The newspaper was replaced by the latest straits talent newspaper. 1 Remarks: "Now is the consulting era. Only by updating information in time can we seize the opportunity and win success! - "

On Friday, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. After arriving at the terminal, the mobile phone was still there, and there was an extra note: "Please don't make such jokes, which will affect the normal work of our company. - "

On Saturday, I took a toy pistol and stuck it in my waist. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the gun was gone and a note was stuffed in my pants: "I hate you robbers most, you have no technical content at all!" " Confiscate the tools of crime! - "

On Sunday, I was about to get on the bus, and there were too many people to squeeze in. When waiting for the next bus, I felt in my pocket and found that there was an extra 20 yuan, and there was a note: "Brother, our business is not easy this day. This is 20 yuan. You can take a taxi to where you want to go, please don't mess with us. "

6. One day, there were too many people on the bus, which was very hot and boring. I don't know who farted, which made the environment worse. My friend can't stand it, and I don't know who it is. I can't help it It happened that the conductor was asking, "Who didn't buy a ticket?" My friend suddenly had a plan and said loudly, "Fart didn't buy a ticket!" " Suddenly, a particularly fat woman, holding the ticket high in her hand, said loudly, "I have bought the ticket!" "

7. A sculpture was completed in the new building of a university: a girl held a book in her left hand and a dove symbolizing peace in her right hand. Publicly soliciting names from off-campus students, many people's slogans coincide-reading is a bird's best!

9. The school bike is badly lost. The new car disappears in the blink of an eye, but sometimes with luck, the lost bike will appear again every few days. One day, my roommate Xiao Jing bought a new transmission car. She showed off to everyone and said, "I locked this car with the latest lock!" " The next day, Xiao Jing came back from self-study at night and looked depressed. He still holds a piece of paper in his hand, which reads: Don't be the owner here, I borrowed the car, and I'll pay you back in a few days!

A few days later, the thief really returned the car. Xiao Jing is very happy, but she is worried that the car will be "borrowed" again. He bought ten big locks, locked the car tightly, and put a note on the thief: See how you "borrow"! When Xiao Jing went downstairs the next morning, she found five more locks on the car, and there was a note on the lock: See how you ride!

10, there are three tadpoles. They went to a restaurant for dinner ... and waited for a while. The first course was fried frogs. ..

Three tadpoles sang in unison: I don't want to grow up. ...

1 1 One day, Cao Cao arrested Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei. Cao Cao said to the three of them: each of you should go to the orchard and choose a fruit. After a while, Zhang Fei took out an apple. Cao Cao said, if they can put the fruit in their ass, let them go. Zhang Fei tried for a while without success and was killed. After a while, Guan Yu came out with three grapes and Cao Cao said the same thing to him. Guan Yu started stuffing things ... when he stuffed the third one, Guan Yu suddenly smiled, and as a result, he smashed the grapes and was killed. After going to the underworld, the prince asked Guan Yu, "You are so stupid, why are you laughing?" "If you don't laugh, you won't die," Guan Yu said with a sigh. I don't want to! Jealous beauty! When I stuffed the third one, I suddenly saw Brother Liu coming out with a durian ... "

12, I went to eat KFC yesterday. The man behind me looks like a couple. Seeing that they ordered a lot of food, they sat next to me. After sitting down, the girls began to eat hard, as if they were hungry for several days, while the boys chewed French fries one by one, as if they had something on their mind.

Suddenly, the boy put down the French fries, leaned down and asked seriously, "Qingqing, can I chase you?" "

Without looking up, the girl said directly, "No!"

The boy asked again, "Is it completely impossible?"

The girl simply said, "Not at all!"

The boy froze, looked straight at her and stayed there …

At that time, the girl was holding a chicken leg in one hand and a hamburger in the other. She thought that the boy was watching her, so she stopped eating, then looked at the boy with poor eyes and whispered, "So ... can I still eat?" "

Everyone around me, including me, laughed out loud. The boy was helpless and said, "Eat, eat ..."

This MM is so cute ... if you don't let me chase it, you must chase it ... desperately! ! ! !

13, I have been very restless at school. I taught myself for the first time when I was a freshman. I was depressed sitting in the classroom, and then I ran to the aisle to smoke.

Not long after I lit a cigarette, a girl from PL came over and asked me, "I'm studying by myself now! How did you get out? "

I said, I'm bored by smoking, MM Which class are you in? How also ran out.

PLMM pointed to our classroom and said, that class!

At that time, I was so excited to say, are we in the same class? What, are you depressed?

She said: well, a freshman in our class ran out from self-study and I came out to find him.

I smiled, it seems that someone still can't sit still. What do you want from him? You're not his mother!

MM: I can't help it I'm his head teacher!

I was cheated then ...

A minute later, I choked up and said, Teacher, you look so young …

14 dad is a worker in a glass factory and has the habit of working with gloves.

One night shift, he took a taxi home. When the car passed a small forest in the suburbs, a cool breeze blew. Dad felt a little cold, so he took the glove strap out of his pocket. The driver saw it in the rearview mirror and asked cautiously, "Brother, what are you doing?"

"Oh, nothing, I'm used to it. I always wear gloves when I work, so I won't cut myself and leave any marks ... "

15 A middle-aged man went to a local private hotel on business.

When eating the night before, the middle-aged man saw several stains on the edge of the dish, which made him uneasy.

He asked the hotel owner, "This dish looks dirty." The boss replied, "Don't worry, mineral water will make it clean."

Hearing this answer, middle-aged people began to eat with peace of mind.

A week passed, middle-aged people ate in the hotel every day, and met a big dog in the hotel.

When leaving, the middle-aged man stepped out of the gate, and the dog reluctantly caught up with him, clinging to him and not letting him leave.

Seeing this, the hotel owner went up to the dog and patted it on the head. He said softly, "Let the guests go, mineral water."

The hunter hunted and saw two birds in the tree. He raised his gun and killed one. He found it hairless. Just wondering, another bird flew down and cursed the hunter: Damn, I just coaxed her to take off her clothes, and you shot her down. . .

17 There is a parrot hanging in front of the hotel. When a guest arrives, he says, "Hello, welcome!" A regular customer thought, I'll go in quickly and see how you react. One day he ran in and the parrot said, "Damn it! You scared me! ! ! "

18 A child in the delivery room smiled after birth. The midwife was very surprised. When she gathered around to observe, she found that the child's fist was clenched. After breaking it, she found that it was an abortion pill. She only heard the child say, damn it! Do you want to kill me? It's not that easy! !

19 After the performance, the leader took the stage to hold the beautiful Mongolian actress's hand and asked her name. The actress said excitedly, Maragabi

20 stops are higher and you can see farther; Clear water means no fish, while lowly people are invincible! Go your own way and let others take a taxi. Wear other people's shoes and let others find out.

2 1 what is depression? Just hit more than 30 people, hugged a handful of hemp, stole a wallet, and my wife ran away with someone. I still smell sour porridge at home. As soon as my eyes turned, the ambulance went to the hospital and fell into the ditch!

Moon cakes fall in love with steamed bread and pursue it desperately. Steamed bread swears to death. The moon cake is sad: (Hong Kong accent) What is this for? Steamed bread: My mother said that your stomach is full of huahuachangzi.

One day, hens were flying around on the roof, and the owner said angrily, "Come down, or I'll kill all the cocks here and make your life hell." The hen smiled and said, "Finally, we can find the duck."

An American, a Frenchman and an China were walking in the desert when they saw a bottle. After opening the cork, a man came out. The man said, "I am a fairy, and I can grant each of you three wishes!" " Americans first said, "My first wish is to ask for a lot of money." The fairy said, "it's very simple, it satisfies you!" Tell me about the second wish. " The American said, "I want a lot of money!" " After the fairy fulfilled his wish, the American said his third wish: "Take me home." The fairy said, "No problem." "So Americans came back to America with a lot of money. The fairy asked the Frenchman again. The Frenchman said, "I want beautiful women! ""The fairy gave him a beautiful woman. The Frenchman said, "I want more beautiful women!" " The fairy also satisfied him and gave him a beautiful woman. The Frenchman finally said, "Send me back to France. After the fairy sent the French back to China, she asked the China people what they wanted. China people said, "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first." The fairy gave it to him. Ask him what his second wish is. China people said, "Another bottle of Erguotou! The fairy asked him what his third wish was. China said, "I miss China and Americans very much. Please bring them all back. "France and the United States are very popular, but they are helpless. The three of them have to keep going. Walking, I saw another bottle. When I opened the plug, another man came out. The man said, "I am the younger brother of that fairy just now, and my magic is not as strong as his, so I can only satisfy two wishes of each of you." "The French and Americans think it is better to let China speak first, so as not to be brought back by him later. So China people said, "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first." The fairy realized his wish. The French and Americans urged China people to express their second wish as soon as possible. After drinking Erguotou, China people slowly said to the immortal, "It's all right, it's all right, go away. "An American, a Japanese and a China are exploring the jungle. As a result, they were all arrested by cannibal tribes. But the tribal leader said, "I'm in a good mood today. I won't eat you, but you all have to get a hundred boards, but you can have a wish come true before you get a board." "Americans are the first to get the board. He said, "Before hitting the board, put 1 mat on my ass." Mats, boards rained down; In the past, 70 boards were ok. After the 70-board back cushion was smashed and there was blood on the board ... America always left. When the Japanese saw this, they asked for a 10 mattress. After 1, 2, 3 ... 100, the Japanese got up and patted their ass, nothing happened; Then he boasted about his imitation ability and re-creation ability with a smelly mouth, and wanted to sit in a Chinese drama. China people slowly get down and say slowly, "Come on, give me the Japanese mat." …