The 20-year-old will never come —— Based on Meg Jay's speech

The age of 20 will never come —— Based on Meg Jay's speech.

When I was in my twenties,

I met my first client in psychotherapy.

I am a doctoral student in clinical psychology at Berkeley University.

A 26-year-old lady named Alex.

During the first consultation, Alex came into my office in jeans and a loose coat and sat down.

On the sofa, she kicked off her flat shoes and told me that she wanted to talk about men. I'm relieved to hear that.

Gas. My classmate's first client was an arsonist. And mine is a girl in her twenties who wants to talk about men.

I'm sure I can handle it. But I didn't.

For the interesting story brought by Alex, my plan to slow down the troops is very simple, that is, nodding in agreement.

Alex said, "30 years old is a new 20 years old." That's what I thought, and she was right.

Then work, marriage, children, and finally death.

People in their twenties like Alex and I have plenty of time.

But before long, my tutor urged me to seriously consider her love life. I refused.

I said, "Yes, her date was terrible. She is dating a fool, but there is no sign that she will marry him. "

Then my tutor said, "She won't marry this one, but she may marry the next one (fool). Besides, the best time to give Alex useful advice is before she gets married. "

This is what psychologists call an epiphany moment.

At that moment, I realized

30 is not the new 20. Yes, people are getting married at a younger age than before, but this does not make Alex's 20 years old a stranded period of development, which makes Alex's 20 years old a key period of development, and we are wasting it. At that moment, I realized that this neglect is a serious problem with consequences, not only for Alex and her love life, but also for the careers, families and future of all people in their twenties.

At present, there are 50 million people in their twenties in America. We are talking about 65,438+05% of the total population, or if you think so, everyone has to go through their twenties before they can enter adulthood. Either you have sex with people in their twenties, or you love people in their twenties, or you can't sleep in your twenties. Well, in short, the twenties are really important. I specialize in young people in their twenties, because I believe that more than 50 million people in their twenties should know what psychologists, sociologists, neurologists and fertility experts already know: being 20 is one of the simplest but most influential things you can do for your feelings, happiness and even the world.

This is not my opinion, it is a fact.

We know that 80% of the decisive moment in life occurs at the age of 35. This means that eight of the ten decisions, experiences and "epiphany" moments that can determine your life appear in the middle of 30. People in their forties need not panic. I think you'll be fine. Career development in the first ten years has a great influence on future income. We know that more than half of Americans are 30 years old.

Marry or live together or associate with a future partner while young.

As we know, when you are in your 20s, your brain ends its second and last development peak. Then it started the adult mode, which means that whatever you want to change, now is the time.

We know that personality changes much more in the twenties than in other periods, and we also know that women's fertility reaches its peak at the age of 28, and it will become difficult after 35. Therefore, it is time to cultivate yourself in your twenties, for your health and for your future choice.

When I think about children's development, we all know that the first five years are a crucial period for the development of language areas and other parts of the brain. Those days seem ordinary, but they have a far-reaching impact on your future growth. However, we know little about the development of adulthood, and 20-odd years old is the key period of adult development. But few people tell these words to people in their twenties. According to the newspaper, the twenties are the transition period of adulthood. Researchers say that being in your twenties is an extension of youth. Reporters' nicknames for people in their twenties are "caught in the middle" and "adults and children". We are used to ignoring the decisive decade of adulthood.

Leonard bernstein said that if you want to achieve great success, you need a plan and a little time. That's right! Think about it. What would happen if you patted a 20-year-old man on the head and said, "You still have ten years to start your life?"

Nothing will happen.

You stole his sense of urgency and ambition, so of course nothing will happen. Day after day, people in their twenties who are as smart and interesting as you or your children come to my office and say these words: "I know my boyfriend is not suitable for me, but this relationship doesn't count." I'm just killing time. " Or "everyone says that as long as I can start my career at the age of 30, it will be fine." Gradually, it began to become like this: "I am almost 30 years old, and there is nothing to take." My resume when I graduated from college is better than it is now. "Then it became like this:" In my twenties, falling in love was like grabbing a chair. Everyone ran around for fun, but when I was about 30, the music stopped and everyone started to sit down. I don't want to stand alone, so sometimes I think I married my husband because he was the nearest chair when I was 30 years old. "Friends in their twenties now, where are you? Please don't do this. Well, it seems to be alarmist, but the fact is that the risk is very high, and many people will have great pressure when they are in their thirties, so

Start a business quickly, choose a city, get married, and have one or two children in a short time. Many of these things are incompatible with each other, and studies have begun to show that it is very difficult and stressful to finish these things at once when you are in your thirties. Today's midlife crisis is not to buy a red sports car, but to realize that you can't have the career you want now, realize that you can't have the child you want now, or give birth to a sister for your child. Too many people in their thirties and forties look at themselves, at me sitting at the other end of the room, and recall their twenties. "Then what would I do? What was I thinking? " I want to change what people in their twenties do and think.

Let me give you an example: a story about a woman named Emma.

Emma came to my consulting room when she was 25. Because she has, in her words, an identity crisis. She said that she thought she would work in art or entertainment, but she hadn't decided yet, so she worked as a waitress for several years. In order to save some money, she lives with a boyfriend who is more temperamental than ambitious. Even though she was so hard in her twenties, her childhood life was even harder. She often cried during the consultation, but finally comforted herself by saying, "You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends."

One day, Emma came to my consulting room, buried her head in her knees and cried for almost an hour. She just bought a new address book. In the morning, she was filling out the communication information, but she stared at the blank: it said "emergency, please contact …". She looked at me and said almost hysterically, "If I have a traffic accident, who will help me?" Who will take care of me if I have cancer? "At that moment, I tried to hold back and didn't say," I will. "But Emma doesn't need a psychologist who cares about her very much. Emma needs a better life, and I know her time has come.

Ever since Alex, I've just sat and listened to Emma define her passage for ten years. I've heard too much.

So in the next few weeks and months, I told Emma three things. These three things should be known to all people in their twenties, both men and women.

First, I told Emma to forget the identity crisis and get some identity capital. By acquiring identity capital, I mean doing something that can increase your own value. Invest in the person you want to be in the future. I don't know Emma's future career. No one knows her future job, but I know that identity capital will become identity capital. So, it's time to start that transnational job, and it's time to start an internship and do what you want to do. I'm not talking about the adventure 20 years ago. I advise you not to make unnecessary explorations. That's not exploration, that's procrastination. I told Emma to start working and make it meaningful.

Second, I told Emma not to sit there and look at the sky. Good friends can take you to the airport, but if people in their twenties only associate with peers who have the same idea, their social circle will be limited. What they know, think and say, their workplace, new capital and new lovers almost all come from outside the circle. New things come from what we call weak relationships, that is, friends of friends of our friends. So it is true that half of people in their twenties are unemployed or facing unemployment. But the other half has a job, and that's how you get into that group through those indirect relationships. Half of the new jobs have no recruitment information, so ask your neighbor's boss how to get a job without recruitment information. This is not the back door. This is how information is spread.

Finally, Emma thinks that you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. It was like this when I was a child, but as a person in her twenties, she will soon need to choose a family when she gets married. I told Emma that it's time for you to choose a family. Now you may think it is more reliable to settle down at 30 than at 20 or even 25, I agree. However, just catching someone you are dating or cohabiting with or on social networks won't work. The best time to run a marriage is before marriage, which means that choosing love is as active as choosing a job. Choosing your family is a rational choice of who you want to live with, not with someone who just chose you. What happened to Emma? We checked the address book, and she found her former roommate's cousin, who works in an art museum in another state. She got a job there through this relationship. This job gave her a reason to leave her boyfriend at that time. Five years later, she is now the curator of special events in the museum. She chose her husband carefully. She loves her new career and family. On the card she sent me, she said, "Now the blank emergency contact bar is not so terrible."

Emma's story sounds simple, but that's why I like working with people in their twenties. It is easy to help them. People in their twenties are like a plane that just set sail from Los Angeles International Airport and flew west. At the beginning of take-off, a small channel change led to different destinations, such as Alaska and Fiji. Similarly, at the age of 2 1, 25 or even 29, a good conversation, a good festival and a good speech will play an inestimable role in the years to come, even in the generations to come.

This is something worth telling everyone in their twenties you know. As simple as I learned to tell Alex. This is what I say to people in their twenties like Emma every day: 30 years old is not the new 20 years old, so we should recognize our adulthood, gain some identity capital, and use our indirect relationship to choose a family. Don't be limited by what you don't know or haven't done. The decision in life is up to you.