Collection of humorous stories

Complete collection of humorous stories by famous people

★No talent but high prices

Stravinsky (1882-1971) was a Russian-born An American composer, he composed a large number of music well-known to Americans throughout his life. Once, a film producer offered Stravinsky 4,000 yuan to score a film in Hollywood, but he rejected it face to face. The money was too little.

The producer argued that another composer had composed the music for a new film for the same price.

The composer argued: " He is talented! If I don’t have talent, it would be much more difficult to do it. ”

★Reason for his advanced age

Malcolm Sargent (1895-1967), American music conductor and organist. He made classical music popular among young audiences. On his 70th birthday, an interviewer asked him: "What should you attribute to your ability to live to be 70 years old?" "

"Well," the conductor thought for a moment and said, "I think it must be attributed to the fact that I have never died. ”

★One person buys two tickets

American pianist Poch once, when he was playing in Flint City, Michigan, he found that there were very few people in the audience. Less than half. He felt very disappointed in his heart.

At this time, he walked calmly to the front of the stage and said to the audience: "You people in Flint City must be very rich, I think. Each of you bought a ticket for two seats, which is so generous! ”

As soon as the words fell, the whole audience burst into cheers.

★Devil-like telepathy

In order to concentrate and feel the subtlety of the music at the same time The famous contemporary conductor Karajan and the violinist Jules Stein have the habit of closing their eyes when conducting and playing.

These two talented musicians work in perfect harmony, and people even think that they have a tacit understanding. The conductor and the concertmaster had an almost magical telepathy. Their first performance together was in Lucerne, Switzerland.

Later, when people asked about it. When Julstein asked why he closed his eyes, he said: "It would be better if we couldn't see each other. There's nothing wrong with that. Music doesn't need eyes, it needs each other's understanding." I only opened my eyes once during the entire performance, and saw Karajan conducting with his eyes closed. I quickly closed my eyes again for fear of ruining the entire atmosphere. ”

★Jesus Blushes

The famous Italian Renaissance painter Raphael (1483-1520) once painted murals in the Papal Palace in the Vatican. He was very interested in this work He devoted a lot of effort and showed great piety. He carefully outlined every line according to his own understanding and imagination of the Bible. Through his hands, each religious figure was vividly presented on the wall.

One day, two cardinals suddenly became interested in watching Raphael paint. At that time, Raphael was standing on the stand, struggling to swing the brush with his sore arms. Then he half-jokingly criticized Raphael, saying that he painted the faces of Jesus and St. Paul in the mural too red.

The speaker did not mean it, but the listener did it intentionally. Raphael stopped painting and turned his back. Facing the bishop, he replied in a very low voice: "Your Excellency, I painted it like this on purpose, because the Holy Lord felt a little ashamed when he saw the church under the jurisdiction of you people in heaven. ”

★Angrily smashed the statue

The Italian Renaissance sculptor Donatello (1384-1466) created the relief "San Michele of Florence" and the bronze statue After "David", the Venetian gentlemen commissioned him to build a statue of a horse for the mercenary captain Danarni (Gata Melata), and repeatedly urged him to complete it as soon as possible. This made him very angry, so he picked up a hammer and smashed the head of the statue that was about to be made into pieces. The gentlemen picked up hammers and pointed them at his head, intending to use the same method to retaliate against him. Donatello was not afraid. Said: “I can recreate the face of Gata Melata. As long as you can reshape my avatar, I'd be happy to let you smash it.

”

★Reality and Distortion

A visitor to the British portrait painter Godfrey Naylor (1646-1723) commented on a full-length portrait of Mrs. Naylor The effect of the portrait was greatly spoiled by some claw marks at the bottom, which Naylor told his guests were the work of his wife's little lap dog, which often clawed at Mrs. Naylor's skirts in an attempt to hold her. This reminded the guest of Zoxis: Zoxis once painted many grapes on the head of a portrait of a little boy. The grapes were so realistic that birds came to eat them. Defaming this legend: “If children could draw as realistically as grapes, birds would not dare to peck at grapes. ”

★A wonderful reward

Once, the British painter and sculptor William Hogarth (1697-1764) was commissioned to paint a portrait of a humble aristocrat. His frank and realistic style The style of writing made the nobleman very dissatisfied and refused to pay. Hogarth argued hard, but to no avail.

Hogarth finally wrote a letter to his customer because he was short of money. Letter. The letter said that a man who specializes in exhibiting beasts, deformities and monsters is very interested in this portrait and is willing to pay a high price for it. If he does not receive the money within 3 days, he plans to retouch the portrait. After receiving the letter, the nobleman immediately paid the full amount and took the portrait home to be burned. p>

★Adam and Eve

William Blake (1757-1827), a great British printmaker and poet, produced a large number of steel plate illustrations and also wrote many high-level poems during his lifetime. Underappreciated, but his value cannot be underestimated. Like many artists, he was almost obsessed with the art world, often immersed in it and forgetting reality.

On one occasion, Blake and his wife Catherine imitated. The scene depicted in Milton's "Paradise Lost" is that they sat naked in their garden and recited the poems from "Paradise Lost" with emotion.

At this moment, a visitor came, Blake. Without any embarrassment, he shouted to his guests: “Come in! There are only Adam and Eve here. ”

★Where is the pattern design

A Paris advertising company is recruiting art designers and requires applicants to send 3 recent works they are proud of: 1 sketch, 1 sketch and 1 pattern. Design.

A few days later, the company received an application form from the great sculptor Rodin (1840-1917), but there was only one sketch and one sketch in it. How could it be missing a pattern? Bewildered.

At this moment, someone found a note inside the envelope, which said: "My design is a fake stamp on the envelope. "

★Try it backwards

One day, a beginner in painting visited the famous German painter Adolf Menzel and complained to him: "I really don't understand. Why does it only take me a day to paint a painting, but it takes me a whole year to sell it?

Adolf Menzel heard this and said: "My dear, please try it upside down. If you can spend a year painting it, you can definitely sell it in just one day." ”

★The Lady and the Goose

Menzel was short and ugly. When he found someone laughing at him, he would become furious.

Yes Once, Menzel was sitting in a restaurant when three foreigners, a lady and two gentlemen, came in. They sat down at a table next to them. The painter looked up and found that the lady was approaching her two companions. Whisper, and then the three people looked at the painter and giggled.

Menzel's face turned red, but he didn't say anything, but took out his sketchbook and drew seriously. He started to draw. He looked into the lady's eyes from time to time while he was painting, which made the lady a little confused. She felt that the weirdo next to her who she had just laughed at was painting her, and she felt very uncomfortable.

Menzel did not let her gaze disturb him and continued working on his painting nonchalantly. Suddenly, one of the men came up to him and said: "Sir, I don't allow you to paint this lady. ”

“Oh, where is a lady here? Menzel said calmly and handed him the sketchbook. The gentleman said sorry and went back to his companions.

It turns out that what Menzel painted was a fat goose squawking.

The man seemed not to know that "goose" can be used as a curse word in German, meaning "stupid woman".

★I don’t know where I went

Goya, an outstanding Spanish painter in the 18th century, hated evil as much as he hated him and had a clear distinction between love and hate.

Once, King Charles IV summoned Goya and said to him: "You are the best painter in our country, and only you are worthy of painting portraits of royal nobles. I came to you today to ask you to paint portraits of nobles and nobles." I'll draw a family portrait. Once it's done, I'll reward you heavily." Goya thought about it and agreed.

After this portrait of the king’s family was painted, Goya specially sent it to the king for viewing. The king was surprised when he saw it, because many of the 14 people in his family had no hands - Goya only painted 6 hands in the portrait.

The king asked him angrily: "Where are the hands of these people?"

Goya said: "I don't know where they are!"

< p>The king insisted that he add more, but he refused, because he believed that those princes and grandsons were free eaters, with only mouths and no hands.

★Hands that do bad things

Once, a doctor who loved collecting art asked Goya to paint a portrait. This doctor is a hypocrite, sanctimonious on the surface, but actually cruel and vicious. He actually murdered a friend in order to take away his beautiful wife. Goya had already known the details, but he still painted the doctor's portrait calmly.

When the doctor saw it, he jumped with joy. He said to Goya: "I know it is difficult for you to draw hands. This time you have drawn both of my hands. I am really honored! I will give you a large reward."

Goya sneered and said: "Do you know why I painted both of your hands! I want people to see that you are a murderer. Your hands have done extremely despicable and cruel things. It's all about it."

The doctor looked carefully at his hands in the painting, and sure enough, they were faintly stained with blood, and his face turned black with anger.

★Real

The Spanish painting master P. Picasso (1881-1973) used blue and light red tones to paint many works showing stage life and street life in his early years. , and later collaborated with Georges Braque to develop Cubist art - one of the most influential modern painting arts. In his later period, he mainly engaged in the creation of realistic human body paintings.

Once, in Paris, he talked about painting with an American soldier. The soldier told Picasso frankly that he did not like modern paintings because they were unrealistic. Picasso said nothing after hearing this.

A few minutes later, the soldier showed Picasso a photo of his girlfriend.

Picasso held it in his hand, pretending to be surprised and said: "Oh my god, is she just that little big?"

★Masterpiece

Picasso's life Oppose aggressive wars and safeguard world peace. During World War II, German generals and soldiers often visited the Picasso Museum in Paris. The uninvited guests received a lukewarm reception. Once, at the exit of the art museum, Picasso gave each German soldier a copy of his famous painting "Guernica". This painting depicts the tragic scene of the Spanish city of Guernica after it was bombed by German aircraft. .

A German Gestapo leader pointed to this painting and asked Picasso: "Is this your masterpiece?"

"No," Picasso said sternly, "This is your masterpiece" A masterpiece! ”

★Can’t afford his own paintings

Picasso’s paintings were recognized by the world, and during his lifetime, his paintings were bought by collectors at high prices. The price is so high that ordinary people are timid, and even the author himself cannot afford it.

One day, when some friends came to visit Picasso's house in the south of France, they found that all the works hanging on the wall were other people's works, and there was no one of their own.

"Why, Pablo?" someone asked, "You don't like your painting?" "No, just the opposite," the painter said, "I like it very much, but it's too expensive and I can't buy it. "

★Also painted fakes

After Picasso became famous, the number of people imitating his paintings increased day by day, making it difficult to tell the real ones from the fake ones.

One day, a businessman who specialized in selling art saw Picasso's mural "Harmony". He was very puzzled by what the picture showed. In order to fully understand Picasso's painting style and guard against being fooled, he specially brought another painting signed with Picasso's name to seek advice from Picasso.

The businessman asked Picasso straight to the point: "Why are the fish in the birdcage and the bird in the fish tank in your mural "Harmony"

?"

< p>Picasso replied without thinking: "In harmony everything is possible."

At this time, the businessman took out the painting and wanted to confirm whether it was an authentic work by Picasso. Picasso glanced at the painting and said contemptuously: "Fake!"

Through this meeting, the businessman seemed to understand the mystery of Picasso's paintings, so not long after the incident, the businessman excitedly I brought a Picasso painting to Picasso and asked him if the painting was true or false. Picasso replied without even looking at it: "Fake!"

"But, sir," the businessman shouted anxiously, "you painted this painting yourself not long ago, and I was there at the time! Picasso smiled and shrugged, and said: "I sometimes draw impostors myself."

★Music that can't be played

The Austrian composer Mozart (1756-1791) was. Haydn's student. Once he made a bet with his teacher that if he could write a piece of music, the teacher would not be able to play it.

Of course Haydn didn’t believe it. It took Mozart less than five minutes to finish writing the score in a hurry and send it to Haydn.

“What is this?” Haydn exclaimed after playing for a while, “When my two hands were playing to both ends of the piano, why did a note suddenly appear in the middle of the keyboard? What? This is a piece of music that no one can play." Mozart smiled and sat down in front of the piano. When the note was played, he bent down and played the note with his nose.

★Teenage asks for advice

A boy asked Mozart how to write a symphony.

Mozart replied: "You are too young to write symphonies, why don't you start by writing ballads?" The boy retorted: "But you were only 10 years old when you started writing symphonies?"

"Yes," Mozart replied, "but at that time I never asked anyone how to write a symphony."

★Sleeping with glasses

Mozart always slept with Wear glasses.

Someone asked him: "Why do you wear glasses before sleeping?"

He replied: "I often think of some melody of music in my dreams. If I don't wear glasses, , I can’t see any notes clearly, and I will naturally forget everything when I wake up.”

★Beethoven’s bust

A pianist said to the composer Reg. : "My playing performance has improved step by step recently, which enables me to buy a new piano. I want to put a bust of a musician on the piano. Do you think it is better to buy a Mozart one or a Beethoven one?" < /p>

Reger did not recognize the pianist’s talent and immediately replied: "I think it’s better to buy Beethoven! He is deaf!"

★Free hair

Once, the famous Austrian composer Johann Strauss (1825-1899) went to the United States to perform and caused a great sensation.

He is very tall and has extraordinary appearance, especially his long curly hair, which is very eye-catching. An American woman managed to obtain a bunch of Strauss' long hair and kept it as a treasure. As the news spread, people began to ask for hair from him as a souvenir, and it became Strauss's "hair craze" for a while. The kind-hearted Strauss fulfilled their requests one by one. So some people are worried about him. When Strauss left the United States, many people came to see him off. At this time, they saw him waving his hat to say goodbye to people. People saw that his curly long hair was still growing on his head, but the long-haired dog he brought with him when he came to the United States turned into a short-haired dog.

★Wonderful Suggestion

In 1848, a newspaper in Naples published an open letter written by Italian opera composer Rossini (1792-1868) in response to a gentleman's question.

The gentleman's letter is: "I have a nephew who is a musician. He doesn't know how to write an overture for his opera. You have written so many opera overtures. Can you give one? Idea?"

Rossini made seven suggestions in his letter, one of which was: "...When I wrote the overture to Otello, I was locked up in Naples by the theater owner. In a small hotel room, there was a large bowl of boiled noodles without any green vegetables. The baldest and cruelest boss threatened: "If you don't finish the last note of the overture, you won't get out alive." . Let your nephew try this method and prevent him from tasting the charming aroma of foie gras pie...'"

★Another one is good

A very confident person A young man came to Rossini with two large books of music between his legs. "The conductor promised to play one of my two symphonies. I want you to hear which one is better." The young man said and sat in front of the piano to play for Rossini. After listening to a few bars, Rossini couldn't listen anymore, so he walked over, put the scores together, patted the young man on the shoulder and said: "Young man, there is no need to play. I think another one is better!"

★Hat off and hat on

A young Italian composer once asked Rossini to listen to him perform a new work. While Rossini listened, he took off his hat and put it on several times, put it on and took it off again.

After the young composer finished playing, he asked him why he took off his hat and put on his hat like this.

Rossini replied: "I have a habit of taking off my hat and greeting old acquaintances."

★Musicians and Coachmen

The Italian musician Paganini (1782-1840) hired a carriage to perform at the theater and was about to be late. He asked the coachman to hurry up.

"How much shall I pay you?" Paganini asked.

“10 francs.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“I don’t think so. People went to listen to you playing with a string today. (Referring to Paganini playing some of his difficult and difficult music on the G string), you charge 10 francs each!"

"Okay," Paganini said. , "I'll pay you 10 francs, but you have to take me to the theater on a wheel."

★The violin does not drink tea

A noblewoman invited Paganini Went to her house for tea the next day. Paganini accepted the invitation.

The lady was very happy. When she said goodbye, she smiled and added to Paganini: "Dear artist, please don't forget to bring your violin when you come tomorrow!" Why?" Paganini said, pretending to be surprised, "Madam, you know that my violin never drinks tea."