Do you have any funny jokes? Tell me.

An old man and a beautiful young girl fell in love, but the old man didn't anyway.

Willing to marry her.

Honey, I can't marry you, he told her gently. Mom and dad will object.

What! Are your parents still alive at your age?

No, it isn't, he corrected. I mean father's timing and mother's nature.

Think about it.

"If you earn as much as God of Wealth, what will you do?"

"What will happen to the God of Wealth if he earns as much as I do?"

reaction

One day, Joe walked into the classroom, and his hair stood straight. When the teacher asked what had happened, Joe said:

"This is the reaction of hair gel." The next day, Joe came into the classroom cheerfully, and the teacher asked

Joe said,' this is my father's reaction to hair gel.'

Different methods

At the product sales meeting, sales were extremely low, and the manager reprimanded our sales staff.

Tao: "I have seen and heard enough about your work level and reasons." If you can't do it,

In this job, someone will replace you and sell these valuable things that each of you should be proud of.

Products. Then, he said to his new employee, a retired football player, "If a football.

What happens if the team can't win? Players must be replaced, shouldn't they? ! "A few seconds of silence.

Later, the former football player replied, "Actually, sir, if the whole team is in trouble."

We usually get a new coach.

The slogan on the roof

A film studio built next to the airport, in order to avoid the interference of plane sound, is on the roof.

Wrote a big slogan: "Please be quiet!" Each letter is eight feet square.

As a result, the slogan brought more noise, because all pilots wanted to see the room clearly.

What does it say? Competition makes the plane fly lower.

expense

The hotel customer asked the manager, "What is the daily fruit money? We didn't touch it either.

Some fruit. ""But the fruit is in your room every day. You can't blame me for not eating.

Kid. "I see," said the man, subtracting 150 yuan from the bill.

"What are you doing?" The manager shouted anxiously.

"I reduce 50 yuan a day as the cost of kissing my wife." "What did you say? I didn't.

I kissed your wife. "Ah," the man replied, "but she is there every day." ..."

Angry dog

When the clothing store manager came back from lunch, he found that the clerk's handbag was bandaged and didn't wait for him.

After asking, the clerk told him a very good news.

"Guess what happened, manager," said the clerk. "I finally put it on hold.

I sold my ugly suit! "

"It's not that terrible pink double-breasted blue striped suit, is it?"

"That's it."

"Great!" The manager shouted, "I always thought we couldn't get rid of that monster costume."

Yes, that's the ugliest thing we've ever been in. Oh, by the way, what happened to your hand? How did it get entangled?

Bandage? "

"It's no big deal," said the clerk. "When I sold that suit to that guy, he

My guide dog jumped on me and bit me hard. "

Angry robber

The shopkeeper was picked up from bed by robbers in the middle of the night. The robber was carrying a sharp knife. Ah!

Severely threatened: "Give me all the money."

The little boss said with grievance: "There is really no way. Last night, your colleague came to put all the money. "

Took it. "

The robber roared angrily, "Why didn't you lock the door?"

romantic

Before the masquerade, the wife suddenly felt unwell and asked her husband to go to the party alone. Later, my wife felt better.

At 8 o'clock, then put on a suit that her husband had never seen before and drove to the dance. Just entered the door, too

When I saw her husband flirting with other women, I was so jealous that I decided to test her husband.

She walked up to her husband and threw herself at him with a charming voice. Finally, he was lured to the back garden to have fun.

Romance arrived at midnight, when everyone was about to take off their underwear, my wife quietly left. Her husband is heterosexual.

I didn't come back until three o'clock in the morning. "How was the dance?" The wife asked. "It's not funny at all." Husband.

Answer. "What the hell did you do there?" The wife asked repeatedly. "To tell you the truth,"

The husband said, "When I got there, I saw some friends without wives, and we were there."

Playing cards in the study. ""Have you been playing cards all night? "The wife screamed." Yes, no.

But I lent my clothes and mask to another old friend. The guy fell at the end of the dance.

He boasted to me that it was the best night of his life! "

Rheumatoid patients

Patient: "Do you remember? Last year, you showed me rheumatism, and you told me to avoid it.

Wet. "

Doctor: "Yes. What do you want to see now? "

Patient: "I wonder if I can take a bath now?"

Division of labor between husband and wife

Tomu said to his friend, "Pierre, there is a division of labor in our family. I am in charge of several things. I "

Ma 'am, she also manages some things. ""Tom, what are you in charge of? " "I am in charge of children and servants.

People. ""What about your wife? " "She cares about money and me! "

Get his son.

Beautiful Egyptian female spy, returning from Israel, reported to Cairo headquarters. "I see.

General Dai Yang's latest attack plan was stolen from his desk, not only like

At this point, I also caught his son ... ""Great! " The Egyptian general shouted, "Where is it? I

The children asked him questions at once. ""no! " The female spy said, "We have to wait another ten months. "

Children's parents

During his visit to Britain, Clinton had dinner with Margaret Thatcher, Jeffrey Howe and others. It's an active gas

Margaret Thatcher asked Geoffrey Howe, "Your parents have a child, not your brother.

He's not your sister either. Who is he (she)? "Hao smiled and replied," it's me, Hao. "Scold or play?

Linton was very interested. When he returned to the White House, he asked Christopher, "Your parents have a child.

Neither your brother nor your sister, who is it? "Christopher can't answer. Kelin

Gordon smiled proudly: "It's Hao."

Father and daughter share happiness.

Father asked Natasha, "You didn't attend class yesterday. Where have you been? "

"I went to the opera with a classmate." Natasha answered without hesitation.

"How can I go to the opera during school hours?" Father said angrily.

"Yesterday was not your day off, but I saw you sitting in front of me in the theater."

Father's parting

"What's the difference between Baron Calder, Emperor Qian Wei II and Tsar Nicholas II?

Really? "

"Yes, Calder has a rich father; Qian Wei II had an evil father.

Pro Tsar Nicholas II has a cruel father. "

Father-son letter

Harry wrote a letter to his father in boarding school. The whole letter has only six words:

"No money, boring. Son. " A week later, he received a reply, the content is:

"How bad, how sad. Father. "

Then go to see a doctor

Bill knows that it costs three yuan to see a doctor for the first time and one yuan for the second time.

So he went into the clinic and said to the doctor, "I'm here again."

The doctor looked at him and said, "Just take the medicine prescribed last time."

dry-clean

The professor was sitting in the bathtub, and his wife asked strangely, "Why did you take a bath with your clothes on?" teach

Only then did he realize that he had not taken off his clothes. He was just about to jump out when he suddenly calmed down: "Nothing,

Fortunately, I forgot to put water in the bathtub beforehand. "

Willing to fail and accept punishment

"Blau, I pour a can of water on you, and your clothes won't get wet. Can you believe it? "

"Nonsense, how is that possible!"

"How about we bet a crown?"

Glen called a can of water and poured it on Blau's head. Blau shouted, "Stop, stop,

Stop. My clothes are all wet! "

"Then even if I lose!"

sigh with emotion

After watching the TV movie describing the story of the inventor Edison, the wife said to her husband, "Dear.

Yes, if Edison hadn't invented the electric light, we would still have to watch TV by candlelight.

Yes "

God bless (you)

The priest said to the farmer who bought his horse and carriage, "This horse only knows the language of the church: barking."

"Thank God," he ran and shouted "Praise God" before stopping. "Farmers who buy horses will be skeptical.

He tried to say "Thank God" and the horse ran faster and faster at once. Just to escape.

On the edge of the cliff, the frightened farmer remembered the password of "Praise God" to stop it. Sure enough,

The horse stopped, and the farmer who survived the accident gave a long sigh: "Thank God ..."

golf

An old but still energetic golfer asked what was in the wizard's paradise.

Is there a golf course? The guide said he would check it out and give him an answer the next day.

The next day, the old man came again. The wizard said, "I got good news and bad news."

The old man said, "Tell me the good news first." "There is a wide golf course in heaven" wizard

Go ahead. "This stadium is covered with green lawn and equipped with the best equipment." The old man then asked, "Now?

Tell me the bad news. "The wizard said," It's your turn to serve at ten o'clock next Sunday morning! "

high-tech

Gorbachev visited the United States, and Reagan invited him to enjoy the latest scientific and technological achievements in the United States: fully automatic super comfortable horses.

Barrel.

After Gorbachev used it, he admired it from the bottom of his heart and secretly made up his mind that China should also develop.

After returning to China, a key research department was established and it is progressing smoothly. However, Reagan suddenly visited the Soviet Union.

Elbachev, caught off guard, called an emergency meeting and issued a written guarantee to the key research departments: it will be in three days.

Make.

Three days later, I reported: Yes. Gorbachev then held talks with Reagan, but he didn't see Reagan for a long time.

It means that when croton is added to coffee, Reagan drinks it. Finally, Reagan went to the toilet.

Reagan sat on the toilet and felt really comfortable and satisfied, thinking that the Soviet Union had really benefited.

Harm, in such a short time to develop such a comfortable toilet. No, I must study it carefully, because

The development of China provides first-hand information.

So, Reagan once again opened the toilet lid and unscrewed the button, only to see a toilet below.

Hand, and carefully wiped Reagan's face.

expert

"My husband is good at gambling." "So is my husband!"

"He won the first time he bought a horse racing ticket, and/kloc-0 won 300,000 yuan."

"My husband is even worse. He just paid a life insurance premium and won back 30 million immediately.

Yuan. "

It's too early to be happy

A young man wants to enlist in the army, and the ophthalmologist in the military hospital wants to check his eyesight. The young man comes to pick him up.

Admit that you are nearsighted when you are examined. After the examination, the doctor said, "Yes, you are right.

It's myopia. "The young man was very happy to hear this sentence.

"Dear doctor, then I can be exempted from military service?" The doctor shook his head and said, "No. ...

I wrote that I could take part in hand-to-hand combat.

Wise move

A beggar said to a woman in the street, "madam, give me the money quickly." Think about it, if this

What happens if the water in the water gun washes away the makeup on your face? "

Inform on (sb)

Woman A: "She told me that you told her the secret that I told you you wouldn't tell her."

Secret "Female B:" Oh, I specifically told her not to let her tell you that I told her. "

Woman A: "God, don't tell her what she told me. I told you."

next door

Two vagrants were accused of being a public nuisance in the city. The judge asked one of them, "Where do you live?"

The tramp said, "Streets, squares, underpasses, stations …" The judge was not satisfied with his answer.

So he asked another person, "Where do you live?" The man said, "Me? I live here.

It's next to his house. "

Overnight meal

The beggar asked a wife for food, and the wife asked, do you eat overnight dishes?

Eat, of course! Come tomorrow, then.

Everyone sticks to his point of view.

A car knocked down a pedestrian, and the driver said, "It's not my fault. I always drive. "

Be careful, I have been driving for five years. ""what? Does this mean that I am wrong? You have been driving for five years.

What's so rare? You know, I've been walking for fifty years! "

replace

The messenger who was very dissatisfied with the customer said, "Why doesn't your crab have claws?" Messenger de

Meaning: "This shows that the crab is alive, which is the result of its struggle in the kitchen just now."

Customer: "well, please replace me with a winner who just fought."

supply electricity

Malaysia Electric Power Company sent people to investigate after supplying power in a village with inconvenient transportation.

The clerk went to visit the residents and asked them if it was convenient after the power supply.

An old lady said, "I thank you very much." I will find a match to light an oil lamp in the future, never again. "

It will get dark. "

* * * Similarities

Two friends are chatting together. They talk about novels and poems.

One of them said that he found that Russian novelists and poets have one thing in common, which is found in every category.

Reflected in the works.

When the millionaire drove past a village in a luxurious extended Lincoln, he saw two beggars pulling grass by the roadside and stopped immediately.

"Why do you eat grass?"

"We really have no money ..." A beggar replied.

"Really, get in the car and go to my house."

"I have a wife and two children at home ..." A beggar muttered.

"Call them!" The rich man pointed to another beggar. "And you, call home, too."

"My family has a large population. Besides my wife, there are five children. " Another beggar said.

"Never mind, call them all and go!"

In this way, two beggars and their families got on the bus, but fortunately it was an extended bus. On the way to exercise, a beggar's wife said gratefully, "Boss, it's very kind of you to invite even poor people like us to our home."

The millionaire replied, "Nothing, I just came back from abroad, and my house has been neglected.". The lawn in the yard may be more than one meter high, so you can eat enough! " "

One day, I went to Hangzhou with mm and saw the release pond in front of Jingsi Temple (that is, the pond with countless turtles). I saw the tortoise swimming in the pond, with only its head above the water. Lovely mm shouted excitedly: "Wow ~ a lot of glans penis! ! ! "I laughed and fainted on the spot ........................................................................................................................................................................ ...

There is a chicken in someone's signature file somewhere. A certain mm posted: Your penis is so cute.

What happened in junior high school: A group of us told jokes after class. (Men and women) Of course, it's an old joke: "Once upon a time there was a eunuch …" Then I stopped talking and asked, "What's next?" I said, "Down there? Well, it's gone below ... "Everyone laughed. A minute later, the same MM asked, "Why is it missing below?" I said, "....................."

Once I talked about cooking in the dormitory, and my brother's GF was there. We say that young men usually cook now, but little girls can't. That MM said, "I can cook, I can cook chicken!" " "Everyone snickered. MM didn't know what it meant, so she said confidently, "I can really cook a chicken!" "".The crowd rushed out of the door, and MM chased the door and stood in the corridor shouting, "I just know how to roast chicken!" ! ! "Everyone was frightened and ran away.

When I was an undergraduate, before the computer practice class, MM, who was in charge of managing the computer room, asked our teacher (male) to borrow a screwdriver to dismantle a machine (in another room). As a result, when we got on the computer, she stood at the door of the computer room and shouted at my teacher, "Teacher! You really can't do that! " Everybody turn ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

One day, my sister and brother went to school. When they were in the car, they saw two dogs mating. The younger brother asked his sister what it was doing. "I had a fight," my sister hurriedly perfunctory him. At this time, my sister found that two hooligans had been watching her, and their eyes were still on her. "What are you looking at? Do you want to fight? " Sister said loudly.

I graduated from university, and my height is 1 m 70.

Although she is not my fair lady, she is also an elegant girl;

Reading poetry books at home and reasoning outside;

Ancient and modern sages remember in mind;

The course is heavy, and the principle of professional self-control;

Like exquisite architecture and minor in architectural design;

Excellent office software, passing CET-4;

Covering a wide range of subjects, carrying electronic power;

Pay attention to fashion products and love national musical instruments;

Getting an accounting certificate is not a problem;

Team cadre meeting, through advanced appraisal;

Year-end moral education ranking, women's top class;

Excellent results in four years, apply for graduate students;

Helpless places are limited, and good results are all done in vain;

The enrollment expansion policy is not bad, and the amount of public expenses is too low;

Children of unemployed families, where can there be more paper money?

I am full of joy when I leave school to find a job;

Sign a paper agreement for a trial period of three months;

Work is about to turn positive, and squid and shrimp are fired;

The boss explained this and changed the fresh air;

Since then, I have been running around and attending major job fairs;

It's not that the major is not right, but that the unit is picky;

Mu Shuai is in danger, Mulan can wear military uniform;

In modern society, discrimination holds up half the sky!

When neighbors send their children, they all become small honey;

From then on, I was pampered and only wore O.N.L.Y.; ;

I am not a greedy person, but I am also incredible;

It is difficult to compare the cold window with its face;

Is it my poor ability, or is it someone else's disgust?

Just like a bench player, there is no ball to kick in a hard seat;

Seeing that time has passed, time can't afford to delay;

Lament undergraduate diploma, the helplessness of today's century.

1, my husband is going on a business trip for half a year, and my wife is packing. After that, she handed her husband a pack of condoms affectionately and said, I can't help it outside, remember to bring a condom. My husband said excitedly after listening, I'd better use them if the family is not well off.

26th floor

The first sentence: "I don't like you because of your money (or your position)!" "

Come to think of it, women are not idiots. They have nothing but love to eat as bread. Even if you don't have it now, her eyes can see your future. If you are very capable, she will definitely hold you in her hand as an appreciation stock.

The second sentence: "You think I want to go, but xx forced me to go."

Who dragged who? You can leave if you want. It's not that I won't let you go.

The third sentence: "The food you cooked is really delicious.

Ha ha ha ha! Don't just be happy when she says this. What she means is: Since your cooking is so delicious, you can cook it later. ...

The fourth sentence: "Tell me your previous story with her, and I won't be angry."

Whoever believes it is finished! Women are not jealous. Who would believe it? Even 500 years ago, waiting for You're screwed., they would completely show their ugly faces, either crying or letting you do this and that, which is also called "reform through labor"!

The fifth sentence: "They all say that xx brand clothes are very suitable for me."

There is nothing to say. Pay for the bag!

The sixth sentence: "Never mind, I didn't think you were fat."

If she really says that, she just doesn't want to embarrass you. Pay attention to your figure.

The seventh sentence: "Old couple, I don't want any Valentine's Day gifts."

God, if you believe this, you must clean for a month like me! Woman, after all, if you really don't buy it, she will kill you! And next year she will definitely make a shopping list for you to buy one by one! !

The eighth sentence: "In fact, I think you should have your own' confidante'."

Are women really so generous? She always wants you to stay away from all women (except herself). Only in this way will she feel safe. If there really is a female classmate and a female colleague calling or texting you, she cares more than anyone, and her ears are particularly good! When you want to go out with your brother at night, she may be right behind you!

The ninth sentence: "No, sex is not good for your health."

..... Try it yourself!

The tenth sentence: "I have no money to support you!" " "

God, I haven't resigned yet. For my future life, I need some money to take the it certification. I will pay the salary and bonus as soon as it is issued. Now, please give me some money. "Remember clearly, I am raising you now!" Brothers, do a good job. Men are the head of the family, and it is your's responsibility to earn money!

Eleventh sentence: Let's be friends (in fact, you are still valuable)

27th floor

Twelfth sentence: I think I'm really not suitable for you (I don't like you at all! )

Thirteenth sentence: Actually, you are really nice (but I don't want to be with you).

It's very kind of you (I really don't want to be with you)

The fifteenth sentence: you are really, really good ... really (pig head, stay away from me! )

I don't want to have a boyfriend for the time being (get out of the way! You are less than half of my handsome boy standard)

I don't want to hurt our friendship (there will only be friendship between us)

Eighteenth sentence: I have a person in my heart (that person is specially made up by me for people like you)

I haven't thought about it (impossible). Need to think about it? )

I'm not fit to be a lover (nonsense, no one will be fit to be your lover)

Twenty-first sentence: you give me some time to think (how can I slip away if you don't give me time)

Your conditions are really good (but not as good as I expected)

Twenty-third sentence: But it feels so strange (you ugly bastard, you want to eat swan meat so strangely? )

I will remember your tenderness (please, lover! Gentleness is useless, but also money! )

Twenty-fifth sentence: In fact, I have never had the courage to accept you (seeing you almost scared to death ... where is the courage? )

Twenty-sixth sentence: You are so cute (you are so naive)

Twenty-seventh sentence: You are really super cute (pig head! Stop pestering me like a child! )

Twenty-eighth sentence: Meeting you always makes me relive my childhood happiness (just like menstruation meeting his little brother).

We need to give each other some buffer time (give you time to get out! I'm going to turn my face if I don't leave! )

Sentence 30: People say you have good conditions (but I never think so! )

I wish I had known each other earlier. )

Don't worry, we can be friends first (I want to find my prince charming at this time. Hehe)

29th floor

Mini skirt

Woman 1: Your mini skirt is really beautiful, but don't you think it's too short?

Woman 2: Short? So I can show my legs.

Woman 1: Aren't you worried about the pervert peeking?

Woman 2: My legs are for people to see.

Woman 1: People are peeking at your underwear.

Woman 2: That's all right. I never wear underwear.