Collecting slightly longer humorous stories or hilarious jokes! Reward 600! ! !

1. One day Xiao Ming had a plaster on his hand.

The teacher asked: What’s wrong with your hand?

Xiao Ming said: It’s broken

The teacher said: Why?

Xiao Ming said: Because I am too lazy

The teacher said: If I am too lazy, my hand will break?

Xiao Ming said: I was walking on the road and a stone slipped into my shoe.

But I was too lazy to use my hands to remove it.

I held the telephone pole and shook it. I stood on my feet and let the stones fall out.

Passersby thought I was electrocuted and hit my hands with wooden sticks.

So...... ...

Teacher: ............

2. Taiwanese businessmen doing business in the mainland,

due to family They are all in Taiwan,

so they like to go to sensual places every night.

One day he was unfortunately caught by a police security expert.

His Taiwan Compatriot ID card was stamped with the characters "Insect".

He was very unhappy,

so he spent some money through connections,

to get rid of this indecent term.

A week later,

His friend told him that it was done.

He thought, as long as you have money, is there anything you can't do in mainland China?

After receiving the Taiwan Compatriot Certificate, he opened it excitedly and saw that

there were three big characters stamped inside:

Not a pornographic insect.

Later, through more powerful people, he wanted to get rid of the words

not a worm

,

because he I think these three words are still indecent,

So this matter must be resolved this time.

Because he will return to Taiwan next month...

His friends also assured him again and again,

There will be no problem,

It’s just that etiquette is absolutely essential.

Another week later,

His friend came to him and said to him: This time it was really done!

He quickly took the Taiwan Compatriot Certificate and took a look.

It read:

African Fire Worm

3. A and B C and three people travel together, and A catches a cold...

At night, everyone sleeps in the same bed, and A sleeps in the middle.

In the middle of the night...A sneezed hard,

B and C's whole face was covered with A's crystals.

B and C: You will inform us next time...

Half an hour later,

A: Pay attention...

B After hearing this, B quickly got into the quilt,

and made sure there was no connection with the outside world...

As a result, A farted.

4. I once went to a high school teacher’s house with some classmates

to see him.

He was an old man. Before he left,

We left some fruits for the teacher,

But the teacher grabbed the monitor’s laptop bag tightly and said:

“Look, let’s see what else I bring. …

Just leave it at the door.”

5. Accompanying a friend to take a taxi to meet an online friend,

When we are about to arrive,

The friend pointed to an extremely ugly girl not far away and said to the driver:

"Did you see that woman?"

"Yes, over there. Stop?”

“No, kill her!”

6. I met a netizen at Oriental Plaza.

I didn’t want to look too tacky. , about at Starbucks.

While waiting for MM, I felt it would be inappropriate not to buy something, so

I went to the counter and ordered coffee.

The waiter asked: "What would you like to order?".

I didn’t wear glasses that day.

The lights in the cafe were dim.

I looked hard at the price tag, but I still couldn’t see it...

Just Said: "Can't see clearly!".

Waiter: "Okay, cappuccino!"

So I drank my first cup of Cappuccino at Starbucks...

7. The company manager asked his secretary to forward an official document to the boss:

"Report to the boss that there will be a batch of orders from Europe next month.

I think the company needs to bring someone to have a meeting with them."

p>

The boss simply signed at the back of the official document: "Go a head".

After the manager received it, he immediately instructed his subordinates to buy a plane.

Plan the itinerary while he packed his luggage.

On the day of departure, I was stopped by the secretary.

Secretary: "What do you want to do?"

Manager: "Go to Europe for a meeting!"

Secretary: "Does the boss agree?"

Manager: "Didn't the boss tell me to go a head?"

Secretary: "I have been in the company for so long.

Don't you still know the boss's English proficiency? ?

The boss means: Go to hell!"

8. A certain brother likes to eat fish.

The sea bass at Wal-Mart is 9 yuan a pound.

If it is dead and put on ice, it is 7 yuan for two fish.

It is just as fresh. When a certain brother gets off work,

he rushes to buy it, but he is often bought out.

A certain brother just stands in front of the fish tank and waits.

Sometimes Not a single one died for quite a while.

A certain brother went in with a net to catch it and knocked the fish on the head with his handle.

The waiter couldn't stand it any longer,

came over and said to the brother:

"Sir, those who fainted are not counted..."

9. I am an old woman in her 50s.

One day I visited the boys’ dormitory.

There happened to be a boy running around underground without any clothes~

He was seen by his classmate

Immediately screamed and jumped on the bed,

Covered the quilt~

Ban Ren left a sentence and left:

I am so old I haven't seen anything before,

What is your name~

This classmate is so cold - -!!!

10. Pirated CD:

-Are you serious? (Are you serious?)

-No, I'm kidding. (No, I'm kidding.)

Movie translation:

-Are you Silaris?

-No, I am Kaidin..

11. When I was a freshman,

I have a buddy in my dormitory

One morning I woke up

and found half a big black moth on my pillow.

I felt very depressed.

I picked it up and was about to throw it away,

I was surprised to find the tooth marks on the moth's wings. . . . . .

The whole dormitory has been freezing for one semester! ! !

12. A man and a woman were having an affair. The husband suddenly came home. The man jumped out of the window and ran away without putting on his clothes. He walked on the street and watched onlookers. The man pretended to be casual and looked at the sky: ah, this is the earth. . Passers-by said: Cao, pretending to be an alien.

13. There is a small noodle shop opposite our dormitory.

I have a roommate in the dormitory.

I love to be cool.

One day I was washing my hair by the window.

After washing my hair, ,

Twisting her hair into a star shape,

Pointing her finger towards the noodle shop,

Shouting: Friends eating noodles across the way, how are you!

14. One day, a classmate went to Zhongguancun for a walk.

A hawker approached and asked,

"Do you want a hard drive? It's cheap."

A classmate took it over and looked at it and said: "How hard is it?"

15. When I was in college,

everyone would chat for a while before going to bed at night.

Once I asked what I would do if a gangster broke into the dormitory at night?

(At that time, it was reported that a girl was raped in the dormitory)

A sister said: She saw him climb onto the balcony, Everyone, come on together!

"What then?" everyone asked,

She paused and continued:

"Drag him in,

Make him exhausted and die,

Make him have to take a detour when passing by our building in the future!"

16. There is a buddy in the university dormitory who likes to say Talking in sleep,

One night I was getting up to take a drink of water,

Unexpectedly, he suddenly yelled: "Hey!"

I was so scared that I dropped the cup Broken...

One night, I continued to talk in my sleep,

murmured:

"Actually...actually...I... Pregnant... (slightly crying)"

17. One time I was eating late-night snacks outside in the summer.

There was a shirtless fat man sitting on the table next to me.

Hugely fat, with all the flesh hanging from his upper body.

After eating half of it,

The pager rang (in the 1990s) and we saw that it was not ours.

Finally, I saw the fat man turning up the meat on the waist.

After looking at the pager, he put the meat down and started eating.

At that time, the beauties at our table were squirting.

18. Baidu Knows

Emergency paper: A brief analysis of the artistic conception of Chinese art

Reward points: 0 - Solution time: 2007-6-22 18 : 24

Urgently looking for a paper: A brief analysis of the artistic conception of Chinese art

2500~3000 words

If you have any help, thank you in advance!

A brief analysis of the artistic conception of Chinese art

Reward points: 0 - Solution time: 2007-6-24 14:12

Students from Lake Normal University in Arts and Sciences I am Teacher Cao who teaches you an introduction to art! Regarding this paper on a brief analysis of the artistic conception of Chinese art, in order to prevent you from plagiarism! I have browsed all the first 40 pages of the article on a brief analysis of the artistic conception of Chinese art found on Baidu. !I’m still browsing other ones! Please pay attention! You have to use your own brain!!

19. A classmate’s computer will automatically turn on every morning (probably because there is a phone call in the dormitory in the morning) rushed away instantly).

As a result, the old man took a charm and stuck it on the computer. . .

20. One day, Mr. A pooped in the toilet.

He probably couldn’t poop out.

He just barked in the toilet.

At this time, Mr. B outside heard it,

and sang loudly:

"I can’t even roar!"

What’s even more amazing is that

Mr. C immediately went on to sing:

“If you can’t pull it out again, just dig it out with your hands!”

After that, This song became the room song in our dormitory

21. According to the exam of subject three, we were gathered at 5 o'clock in the morning. Naturally, I was in a daze during the exam.

When it was my turn to get in the car, I started, walked, and drove steadily. The examiner did not say anything and sat beside me.

Suddenly, the examiner said to me, come on, classmate.

Suddenly, I was flattered and felt a warm feeling in my heart. I thought, what a good examiner, knowing that I was nervous and encouraging me.

So, I smiled and said to the examiner, thank you, examiner.

The examiner was stunned and looked a little helpless. Just driving like this, after turning the corner, the examiner said again, "Come on!"

I felt warm and touched again, and still smiled and said, thank you examiner!

The examiner seemed even more speechless, suppressing his facial expression and shaking his head.

We were almost at the finish line, and the examiner said impatiently for the third time, "Come on!" come on! classmate.

Before I could say thank you, the examiner straightened up and pointed at my right foot that was stepping on the accelerator and said:

I am asking you to step on the accelerator, not for you. come on! You think this is the Olympics and I’m here to watch you compete!

22. At night, one person fell asleep in the four-person dormitory.

There were three other people discussing how to express love for a girl for the first time.

The discussion was lively ,

The sleeping one woke up:

Don’t say anything, let’s sleep...

23. Graduate and undergraduate students at Peking University The graduate student campuses are separate,

The graduate students are on a campus called Wanliu.

On the undergraduate campus,

there is a bicycle parking lot at the Xiaoximen of Peking University headquarters,

specially prepared for graduate students,

"Classmate Wanliu's Parking Area" is written on the wall.

I once went there with a friend.

Seeing that he was about to speak but hesitated,

Finally, after struggling for a long time, he finally asked me in confusion:

Who do you think this classmate Wan Liu is? He’s so awesome, there are so many bicycles! ”

24. School just started,

a new English teacher came,

He asked us to answer questions in English in the future.

Then he started to call the roll call: NO.1.

He shouted.

No. 1 of our class stood up,

shouted: Here we come. !The teacher said:

Please in English! (Please answer in English)

My classmate scratched his head,

After holding it in for a long time, he answered:

After working hard for a long time but not catching anything,

The buddy sighed and said:

“Damn it, I’ll starve you to death! ”

Then he quickly put away the mosquito net,

endured it for several days without hanging the mosquito net,

and finally starved the mosquitoes to death,

p>

We are so sweaty~~~~~

It’s still about the mosquito net:

One day he found a fly flying into the mosquito net,

He told us: "I have to kill him."

We said: "Flies are very hungry. It seems you can't rely on him."

"Look."

The man picked up a novel and got into the mosquito net.

He sealed it and kept waving his fan while reading the novel.

Just to prevent the fly from landing,

After two hours,

the fly finally stopped flying.

He moved closer. He poked the fly and said:

"Fly, I haven't read enough of my book yet"

26. A conversation between a student who was admitted to a university in Beijing and an alumnus:

p>

Are you from Yunnan?

"YES"

"Wow...it's so far..."

.... ......

"Has Yunnan been liberated? "

"No, we all carry guns in class"

"It turns out you can speak Chinese~!"

"On the train when I came here Just learned." .

"Do you live in a cave dwelling? "

"No, we live in the trees"

"Is Yunnan in Kunming? "

"Well, Yunnan is the provincial capital of Kunming. "

"Where are your pigtails?"

"I had to cut them off to go to college!"

"Do you still eat raw meat? "

"Our boss invented flint to make fire, and we eat barbecue,"