Being a 60-point mother, 70-point wife and 80-point self can lead a 90-point life.

A difficult problem that puzzles many mothers is how to balance work and raise children.

After having a baby, the important task of taking care of the baby is "naturally" shouldered by women.

Hold the baby in your left hand and move the bricks in your right hand. In the marathon of life, you will bear a heavy burden.

I no longer have illusions about the future as I did when I was young.

Because, there is always an invisible voice in my ear reminding myself: you are mom, what else do you want?

As a mother, it seems that the compromise in the workplace, the concession in the family division of labor, and the muddling along in life have all become the "three consecutive declines in the quality of life" that must be passed after having children.

According to the data of the Survey Report on Women's Workplace in China in 2020, 58.25% of women were asked about their marriage and childbirth, and 6.39% were asked about their job transfer or salary reduction during marriage and childbirth.

After becoming a mother, I had to lower my expectations of my job because of the pressure of reality.

"Now that I am a mother, I can almost find a job!"

Suddenly, I found that I can't seem to adapt to the present situation because I have been a mother and have been educated for more than ten years?

Compromise, make do, give in, turn a blind eye, as if you can still live "comfortably".

Who will take care of the baby if the mother is busy realizing herself?

In recent years, there has been a particularly hot topic, widowhood and parenting.

In Anjia, after the conflict between Gong Beibei and her in-laws and her husband intensified, she hoped to move to a different house and live separately from her in-laws, which caused her husband's dissatisfaction and had a fierce quarrel with her husband.

Gong Beibei was disheartened and said to her husband: Your contribution to this family is not as great as that of a takeaway or nanny.

Said a lot of mom's heart.

The child grows up day by day, but the husband is immature, so the mother can only bite the bullet.

There will also be a voice in my ear saying, "You are a mother, don't ask too much of your husband."

Jin Zhiying, a Korean novel born in 1982, tells such a story.

Jin Zhiying was born in an ordinary family, with an average education and a good job.

After several years of struggle after graduation, I finally got a firm foothold in the workplace, but I had to return to my family because of childbirth.

There is great pressure on her husband to support the family alone, so Jin Zhiying also wants to try to find a job.

Walking in the shopping mall, she saw an ice cream shop recruiting hourly workers. Jin Zhiying felt a little touched that she could take care of her family, but she couldn't accept such a career gap, so she said, "I'll think about it."

When I was about to leave, my elder sister said to her behind her back, "I graduated from college, too."

Jin Zhiying's heart will be broken.

Before your wings harden, you should spread your wings to protect your children.

There is another voice telling you: you are a mother, don't always think about making money.

"What do you want when you are a mother" is the biggest misleading to women.

It is like an invisible cage, trapping you in it.

After a long stay, I fell in love with the cage.

This idea is actually a psychological misunderstanding.

Psychology Kahneman divides human thinking system into two parts: fast system and slow system.

For example, if someone tells you "you have something on your face", you will subconsciously touch your face. This kind of reaction is very quick, belonging to a fast system, also called "automatic thinking".

Then you will look in the mirror carefully. Is there really a "thing" This is a process of rational judgment and belongs to a slow system.

Fast system is fast, but not accurate. A slow system is more accurate, but it takes time.

People who are trapped by "you are a mother, what else do you want" fall into the misunderstanding of "automatic thinking"

When several of your parents, husbands, and friends all advise you so, you may feel that this is really the case.

How did they come to this conclusion, how did they prove it, and how many people's lives did they see?

Not because you are not good enough, but because you are too eager to be a "90-point mother".

You will be angry when your career development becomes a bottleneck because you are a mother.

If your husband doesn't do anything about parenting, you will complain;

Because of having children, you will struggle when economic conditions decline.

Imagine if you faced the same problem when you had no children, would you still be so dissatisfied?

When you have no children, when your career encounters a bottleneck, you will think, "Is it my ability?" ;

When you have no children, your husband is playful, and you will feel that "the person you choose depends on the advantages";

When there are no children, the economic conditions are not good, and you will think "save a province."

Being a mother makes you feel worse about life, not because life is really getting worse, but because your focus is no longer on yourself, but on giving your children a better life, which invisibly improves your requirements for yourself.

What shall we do? Find ourselves.

First, you are yourself, then, you are a wife, and finally, you are a mother.

British psychologist Winnicott once mentioned a concept called "good enough mother", which translates as "good enough mother" and is also called "60-point mother".

In his view, "mom 60 points" is enough, and it doesn't need to be comprehensive or perfect. Too much care will bring unnecessary pressure to both mother and son.

Being a 60-point mother is enough.

Human experience is limited. To be a 90-point mother is to be a failed self.

Stay 10 for your lover, and stay 20 for yourself. Only in this way can you live a life of 90 points.

As Mr. Winnicott once said in "Mother's Mind Lesson":

As children grow up, mothers need to find themselves again and stop asking for their children.

There is such a mother, her name is Tang Xunhong, who lives in the countryside.

After graduating from kindergarten school, she entered the workplace in her early twenties and entered marriage.

Suddenly, I've been a housewife for 20 years. I have no job and no income. Every penny is paid by my husband.

After failing the college entrance examination, the family sent their children to the famous Maotan Factory Middle School in Anhui for one year.

Tang Xunhong had nothing to do at home, so he went to accompany the children.

Tang Xunhong likes to chat with people. After a long time, he became familiar with his parents who came to accompany him nearby.

She found that new families often came to Mao Tan Factory Middle School. If someone comes, they have to rent a house and travel.

In that small town, information is blocked, and new parents often have no clue.

Tang Xunhong came early and was good at dealing with people, so she gradually learned which house to rent and which driver to rent for free.

At first, I volunteered to help others, and then the demand grew.

Seeing this business opportunity, Tang Xunhong opened a "Mao Tan Factory Parent Service Center" to provide parents with services such as renting a house, carpooling and checking their grades.

After finding out the doorway inside, she found the new demand of parents' "cram school", so she contacted several familiar teachers and started education and training.

Later, both of Tang Xunhong's children graduated, and she still insisted on starting a business in Mao Tan Factory Middle School.

She opened an accompanying school and hired an aunt who was in charge of social affairs. The catering service was outsourced, so parents did not have to accompany them in person.

In 20 19, the turnover of Thomson Red was 2 million.

Recalling 20 years as a housewife, Tang Xunhong said, "I am really timid. I really didn't show my self-worth at all. "

Tang Xunhong doesn't want to go back to his old home.

Tang Xunhong was lucky to find such an opportunity in middle age, because she always had a restless heart.

Others, however, began to look for new opportunities only when their husbands betrayed themselves and were desperate.

I didn't know how difficult it was at that time.

Don't wait until there is no way out before you start looking for another way out.

Being a mother, there are still many possibilities in life.

Do what you want to do, just like when you were single.

Only by letting yourself have no way out can you go all the way to the end.