Are there any classic jokes?

One day Xiaoming went to visit his future mother-in-law's house, and her mother-in-law said, "Sit anywhere! The food will be ready soon! Then I went into the kitchen and got busy. At this time, only nervous Xiao Ming and his mother-in-law's dog Xiao Bai were left in the living room.

Suddenly, Xiao Ming found a sharp pain in his stomach.

He thought to himself, "No! I must hold back! " But he can't ~ ~

"Poof ~ ~" He let out an invincible fart.

He thought to himself, "this is a dead man ~ ~ and he will definitely be thrown out."

I didn't expect my mother-in-law to just yell "Little White ~ ~! 」

Xiaoming thought with relief, "Fortunately, Xiaobai is my scapegoat." ,

Then he couldn't help farting for the second time, but his mother-in-law still called Xiao Bai ~ ~

When he farted for the third time, he saw his mother-in-law rush out and curse:

"Small white! You won't run unless it stinks to death, will you? 」

One day Xiaoming put a plaster on his hand. The teacher asked, "What happened to your hand?"

Xiaoming said, "It's broken."

The teacher said, "Why? 」

Xiaoming said, "Because I am too lazy."

The teacher said, "Too lazy will break your hand? 」

Xiao Ming said: "One day I was walking on the road and my shoes touched a stone, but I was too lazy to do it with my hands, so I shook my feet with a telephone pole and let the stone fall out." Passers-by thought I was electrocuted, so ................. hit my hand with a wooden stick. "

Teacher: " ............

1 1. How to tell the octopus's hands and feet? We often say that an octopus has eight feet, but some people say that it has eight tentacles.

How many hands and feet does an octopus have? How to tell the difference between hands and feet? Let's think about it and see the answer.

Method 1: Catch an octopus first, and then hit its head with a hammer. The octopus will touch its head with its hand, and the rest is.

Feet.

Method 2: If it is a female octopus, pretend to rape first. The hand that she kept waving when she said no was her hand.

His foot was tightly clamped.

Method 3: Give it a fart to smell, your hand will cover your nose, and the other is your foot.

Method 4: Give it a computer, put your hands on the keyboard and your feet on the chair.

Method 5: when summer comes, hands will scratch Hong Kong's feet, of course, feet will be caught!

13. One day, a woman took her child to the train. When another woman passed by the seat, she saw the child and forbeared.

I shook my head and whispered, "Alas! How can there be such an ugly child! " The woman couldn't help crying after listening, and the unsuspecting train service lady looked at it.

Seeing a woman crying so sadly for no reason, I wanted to comfort her and said to her, "Stop being sad, have a glass of water and have a rest first. Oh, yes,

Here's a banana, give it to your monkey! 』

24. The professor said, "Everyone has a good class order today. The only drawback is: " .....

If the students chatting in the back can be as quiet as the students playing cards in the middle,

You won't disturb the students sleeping in front! 」

26. Xiao Xin made a new girlfriend online, and everyone bragged about how beautiful his girlfriend was ... One day, Xiao Xin looked at his girlfriend's photo.

Admire, call "really like a fairy ..."

His roommate was curious for a moment and couldn't help but want to borrow photos to see the fairy who came to the world, ready to be "amazing"; After reading the results, only

A question: "when you came to the earth as a fairy ... did you land face first?" 』

29. In a final exam, a student was faced with questions on the test paper.

If you can't write a question, just write it on the paper:

"Lao tze planted this year and come back next year! 」

The test paper will be returned, and the teacher will give it back:

"Boy, the old point for you! 」

A stupid thief sneaked into a house and was trying to open the safe when suddenly there was a loud noise. As a result, the thief was caught. Why?

Because he didn't turn to the safe ... he turned to the radio! ..

44. Top Ten Famous Sentences in TV Series (Writers who are not creative should reflect! )

I already have your child.

[Ninth place] Jesus Christ! What did I do wrong? You should punish me like this!

[Eighth] He is your biological father!

[Seventh place] Don't come here! Come here again, and I will die in front of you!

[6th place] You hit me! ? All right! I'm leaving! I'm leaving now!

[Fifth place] Leave me alone! You go! Let's go!

[Fourth place] No! I don't believe it! I don't believe it! I don't believe it (slowly)

[Third place] Cut the crap! Kill or scrape whatever you want!

[Second place] Cut the crap! Look at it!

[First place] Ouch! Dad, mom, I'm not coming. ...

45. A foreigner traveled to the mainland and passed by a factory. There are warning signs in Chinese and English in the factory, but foreigners still get an electric shock. Why?

Answer: Because English is: You are from Dian Wei.

46. When Xiaojun first entered Beijing, he saw many people queuing at the roadside. Curious to find out, it turned out that everyone was seeking the secret recipe of not drowning, so Rongjun followed suit. When it was Xiaojun's turn, I saw an old man and a table in the shed. There is an inkstone, ink and writing brush on the desk. The old man asked Jun to pull up his coat to show his stomach. The old man walked up to June with pen and ink, drew a line under his ribs intently ... and then told him rigorously:

"remember! After entering the water, never let the water exceed this line. .......

56. Party A, Party B and Party C went out together, and Party A caught a cold. ...

Everyone sleeps in a bed at night, and A sleeps in the middle. In the middle of the night … A took a big sniffle, and B and C were covered with A crystals. Let us know next time ... half an hour later, A: Pay attention ... B C got into the quilt and made sure there was no contact with the outside world. ...

A: poof ...........................................................................................................................................................................

Really didn't miss. ...

A brave soldier locked his girlfriend with a chastity belt before going out to war, gave the key to his good friend and said, "I like it."

You can drive it if you don't come back in three years. "So he safely drove to the front.

On the way, I suddenly heard a horse chasing behind me. It turned out to be his good friend. My good friend said, "The key you gave me is wrong ..."

62. The taxi driver ran a red light and the passengers gasped. "Don't worry." The driver said, "My brother always

such

. After a block, the driver stopped at the green light. "Why stop now?" The passenger asked.

"My brother may come from the other side! 』

64. Mother: "Why did you hit your son for no reason? 』

Father: "He will bring back his report card tomorrow, and I will go out tomorrow. 』

66. "Please give me some smart medicine! Someone told the doctor that the doctor looked at it and made a prescription.

A week later, the man came back. "I don't seem to be getting smarter." He said.

"Continue to take medicine." The doctor said.

Another week later, the man came and said, "I'm still not smart." You may have given me a sedative. "

Right? 」

"Look, you are getting smarter." The doctor said.

70. A man was depressed and went to see a psychiatrist.

"Doctor, I'm troubled ..." He said.

"What's the problem? You can tell me. The doctor showed an expression of trust.

"I pee at five o'clock every day …" he said.

"Very good, very regular." The doctor said.

"I defecate at 6 o'clock every day ..." He said.

"Great, at least your physiology is healthy!" The doctor said.

"But I ... I didn't get up until 8 o'clock ..." He said.

7 1. Female: "Is beauty really a mistake? 』

Man: "Don't worry, you are always right. 』

75. One day, Xiaodong and Xiaoyue went sightseeing by plane.

Their pilots are very confident in their flying skills.

He boasted that if the couple took his plane without asking, he would lose 50 yuan.

Xiao Dong and Xiao Yue, who like excitement, agreed at the moment!

In the sky, I saw the driver do his best to turn over more than fifty somersaults.

But I didn't see a cry in the back.

After landing, the driver was very discouraged and said, "You are amazing! 」

"Hey hey! Give up? " Xiaodong said ~ "But I tell you,

I almost screamed when my wife fell off the plane just now! ! 」

78. Four lawyers are arguing whether a prisoner is guilty or not.

Lawyers A, B and C said the prisoner was guilty, while lawyer Ding said the prisoner was innocent.

Lawyer Ding Can can't compete with three lawyers,

So he said, "God will uphold justice! If it thunders now,

That is, God supports me! 」

At this point, there was a sudden sound of thunder.

Lawyer Ding said, "Ha! I am right. "

But lawyers A, B and C said it was only a natural phenomenon.

Lawyer Ding added, "If it thunders again now,

That is, God really supports me! 」

At this point, suddenly there was another sound of thunder.

But lawyers A, B and C still say that this is only a natural phenomenon.

Lawyer Ding said, "God, please tell them that I am right."

A voice fell from the sky and said, "Ding is right! 」

Lawyers A, B and C were speechless with surprise, waiting for them to change their minds.

Lawyer C said again:

"all right! God is on your side. It's three to two! 」

8 1. The chairman called the directors, general manager and other supervisors to the office one by one.

Then it was the turn of the staff to be called in one by one.

Finally, even the younger brother who delivered the official documents in the office was called in.

"Tell me the truth! The chairman is obviously in a bad mood.

He growled, "Have you fucked my secretary? 」

"No ... no," my brother stammered in fear. "I never dared to think about it. 」

"Very well! Very good! The chairman suddenly breathed a sigh of relief.

He smiled and said, "I authorize you to fire her!" " 」

A scientist and a poet are on the same train.

They don't know each other. Because of boredom.

The scientist said to the poet, "Do you want to play games? 」

The poet looked at the scientist and made no answer.

The scientist continued: "I am a scientist, and we are each other."

Ask each other questions, and if you can't answer them, give them 5 yuan, okay? 」

The poet wanted to say that it might be difficult to beat scientists, so he declined.

The scientist still said, "Well,

If you can't answer, give me five yuan. If I can't answer,

I will give it to you, 50 yuan. Is it okay? 」

Under the temptation of money, the poet agreed with him.

The scientist asked, "How many kilometers is there between the earth and the moon? 」

The poet couldn't answer, so he gave the scientist 5 yuan directly.

Then the poet asked, "What has four legs when it goes up a mountain?

Seven legs when going down the mountain? 」

The scientist looked puzzled at the poet and took out some pieces of paper.

I began to count on it until the train arrived at the station.

He still couldn't figure out the answer, so he had to give the poet 50 yuan.

The scientist finally asked, "What's the answer? Tell me. 」

I saw the poet shrugged his shoulders, gave him 5 yuan and left proudly.

83. Daming just got married. One night, my wife was busy cooking dinner in the kitchen.

Daming wants to help his wife do some housework for consideration.

So he said to his dear wife, "Wife, what can I do for you?" 」

The wife said, "You are all thumbs. Peel the onions if you find something simple. 」

Daming thinks it's very simple. But soon after peeling, Daming was choked to tears.

I think this is not an easy task, and I am too embarrassed to ask my wife for advice.

I have to call my mother for help.

Mom said, "It's very simple. All you have to do is peel it in water. 」

Daming then completed his wife's task according to his mother's method, and he was very happy.

The next day, Daming called his mother and said, "Mom, your method is really good.

But although it is good, the only fly in the ointment is that I often catch my breath, which makes me very tired. 」

84. An American and a Soviet are arguing about the freedom of their two countries.

Americans say: In America, we have complete freedom. Anyone can walk up the steps of the White House and curse President Bush!

The Soviets said: In the Soviet Union, we also have the same freedom, and everyone can walk up the steps of the Kremlin.

Scold President Bush! !

——————————————————————————————

There is a psychopath squatting in the corner with a black umbrella every day. After seeing it, the psychologist said, "This must be very close to him." As a result, he also squatted with him with an umbrella. The psycho looked at him and said, "So you are a mushroom, too."

17. Xiaoming and Xiaohua went to the zoo to play. When they entered the door, Xiao Ming pointed to Xiaohua and said to the doorman, "Look clearly! Come out later, don't say I stole your monkey! "

18. It's the first time a man sells popsicles in the market, and he is embarrassed to sell them. A man next to him was shouting "selling popsicles", so he had to shout "me too."

25. A farmer's daughter was so ugly that he had to let her be a scarecrow in the corn field to scare crows. As a result, not only did she scare away the crows, but even three crows were scared to send some corn back.

China people, Americans and Jews drink together, and three flies fly into their drinks. Americans drank a very important cup, but China ignored it and drank it. The Jew caught the fly and shouted, spit it out! Spit out your drink!

27. My colleague and sister learned to surf the Internet in primary school and are very willing to chat. One day, just entering a chat room, a netizen asked, "Are you a man or a woman?" I can't type yet, and neither can the "female". So she thought for a moment and replied, "I am a young lady." The netizen made a sentence: "Thank you for your frankness."

29. One day, after handling the withdrawal business for a male customer, I confessed: Please put your card away. When I looked again, I found that the zipper of the customer's handbag was not properly zipped. I told him: Please zip it. The customer immediately lowered his head and colleagues around him laughed.

3 1. Dude, it's always unfair to do accounting business, which delays colleagues' off-duty time. One day, my colleagues basically got it, but the dollar hasn't arrived yet. This buddy sang unhurriedly: "Where there is injustice, there is me, and where there is injustice, there is me." ...

One day at lunch, a colleague remembered that there was only rice at noon, but he wanted to eat noodles. The customer comes to handle the withdrawal business. When leaving, my colleague said thoughtfully, "Please take good care of your noodles and welcome to come again next time."

35. "Please fill in the ×× form at the form filling place" was told: "Please fill in the form at the Observatory" and "Please fill in the form at the bar".

36. After saving for a long time, I suddenly came out as a lobby manager. When I bought a fund for a customer in online banking, I pointed to the keyboard to let the customer enter the password, but a sentence popped up: "Please sign here."

37. A customer withdrew money from an ATM machine, and the card was swallowed due to improper operation. The customer was so anxious that he immediately went to the window and asked, "Comrade, I'm stuck! What should I do? " Instead of laughing, the buddy at the window calmly said to the customer, "I said how I found a machine missing when I cleared the machine this morning." It turned out to be swallowed by your card! " All the colleagues burst into laughter, and the customers laughed their heads off.

38. On one occasion, a customer entered the password n times, and finally it was correct. My colleague is the eldest sister, so he said to the customer, "Don't forget the password, if you forget it, you will be in trouble. Don't watch TV at home tonight, recite it. "

40. When doing business at the front desk, ask customers to add "figures" to the amount; When I got the bill back, I found that the customer didn't write down the amount in figures. I just wanted to ask, but I found that she added the word "miss" to her signature and became "Miss Su XX" ...

4 1. A joke is widely circulated in our bank. Agent: "Hello, what do you do?" Customer: "Oh, I'll save a date of death (lump sum)!" " Agent: "How long have you been dead?" "Customer:" Well, a year's death! "

55. Teacher: "How to tell the difference between an octopus's hands and feet?"

Student: "Give it a fart and smell it. It's the hands that will cover your nose, and the others are your feet."

A robber in new york, USA, said a wise saying when robbing a bank: "Don't move, money belongs to the country, and life is your own!"

One night, a naked man called a taxi and the female driver stared at him intently. The naked man was furious and shouted: You have never seen a naked man! The female driver was also furious: I see where the fuck you lost!

A patient was lying in bed singing and began to sing face up. After a while, he sang on his back. The dean was puzzled and asked why. He replied: silly, it was side A just now, and now it is side B!

Freshman: I found a bug and the whole bowl of rice fell down;

Sophomore: I found a bug and picked it out to continue eating;

Junior year: I found a bug and ate it like there was no bug;

Senior: I found no bugs, protested, how can I eat without bugs!

When I was in graduate school, I found a bug, sighing, it was too simple.

When I was reading my PhD, I found that there were only bugs, and I felt that the school food had improved. ...

The last question in the professional course exam: Who do you think is the most influential physicist? I wrote Newton. As a result, I was the only one in the class who failed. It turns out that everyone wrote the name of the tutor ... X, what a world!

Yesterday morning, I was watching the scenery on the balcony, and I found a beautiful girl in the opposite girl's dormitory waving to me with a handkerchief, and I waved to her. Then she ran to another window and waved to me, and I waved to her; Then she left again, and I didn't realize it until she waved to me at the third window. It turned out that she was cleaning the window. ...

When a man got married, he swore to God that he would be faithful to the marriage, but soon after the marriage, he cheated. After a few days, he found that there was no retribution, and he forgot. Until one day, he was sailing by boat and was caught in a storm. He suddenly realized that this was God's punishment, so he quickly knelt down and prayed: Please forgive him for other innocent people. At this moment, I heard a deep voice in the sky: Do you think I am free these years? Can I easily fill this boat? I ...

Don't panic when you meet a dog on the road. Fight bravely. There are at most three results: first, you win, you are better than the dog; Second, if you lose, you are even worse than a dog; Third, even. You are like a dog.

I said, "You are a pig!" You said: I am a pig. "From then on, I will call you a pig. One day, you finally couldn't help shouting, "I'm not a pig! "In front of everyone.

You make clothes out of white clouds, borrow the right wings of birds, fly to me like an arrow, and tell me-this is what a bird looks like!

After a night of fighting, the wife said to her husband, "I finally understand why apes have evolved to walk upright." The husband asked, "Why?"

The inventor boasted to his friend: I invented a robot, which is just like a man! The friend asked: Does it never make mistakes? Inventor: No. But when it makes a mistake, it will put the blame on other robots!

A host talked about the precautions before the game: "Everyone should wait for me to say' start' before answering." Then he further stressed: "Be sure to wait for my' start' to come out and grab it!"

Slip of the tongue: Xiao Zhang said to Xiaoli with concern: "It's raining, don't forget to bring an umbrella. Getting wet is a trivial matter, and gonorrhea is in big trouble! "

A man was bitten by a dog. Ask a doctor for medicine at once. The doctor was preparing to get off work, and he looked unhappy: "Look at the time, why are you here at this time?" "Sorry, I know, but the dog doesn't understand!"

The girl cried, "teacher! I saw many ants in the toilet just now. " The English teacher asked, "What did the ant say?" The girl looked at the teacher in surprise and said, "The ant … it didn't say anything …" "

I wonder who farted on the bus. Everyone is speculating. The conductor said: Did the farting comrade buy a ticket? As soon as the words fell, a fashionable woman really fell for it and replied loudly: I bought a ticket!

The leader of the unit made a concluding speech: the reasons for our poor work are as follows: First, we slept like a widow and there was no one on it; Second, like a prostitute, the coat is always changed; Third, just like sleeping with your wife, our own people always fuck our own people.

There was a traffic accident and many people were watching it, but a reporter couldn't get in. He had a brainwave and shouted: I am the son of the injured, please get out of the way! As expected, the onlookers got out of the way. The reporter looked at the past and it was a dog that was crushed to death!

Someone had a fight with three big men one day. When I came back, I boasted, "I let them fight for two hours, but they didn't beat me down." People ask what's going on? He said: They tied me to a tree and beat me.

The English name of the girl recruited by a company in the next interview is spring. The secretary wanted to show off her English level and shouted, "Chun, it's your turn." ...

A plane is about to crash, people are scrambling to escape, and finally there is only one student and pilot left: leave me alone, there is only one umbrella bag, jump quickly. Student: No, there is another one. My schoolbag was just carried by an uncle.

A singer sang a song, four judges fainted three, and the last one held the singer's hand tightly with tears in his eyes: talent! People want money to sing, but you can sing hard!