Why doting is a potential harm?

Spoiling is as dangerous to a person's growth as drowning. The difference is that people are more likely to avoid drowning, because water and land have boundaries and are easy to identify. Besides, people can learn to swim. A few can stay in the water for a while, and even if they accidentally fall into the water, they can save themselves. But doting is different. People are eager for love and are willing to fall into it. There is no obvious boundary between true love and doting, and doting often has greater temptation, attracting you into his trap like a magnet. Once one day you realize that you want to climb out, it won't be so easy.

Swan effect

Swan effect is doting. Spoiling is a traditional fertility disease in China, but China has opposed it since ancient times. Since ancient times, there has been a saying that a loving mother fails her children. The so-called loving mother refers to an excessive maternal love, that is, doting. Literally, the words "used" and "drowned" both mean "excessive" and "drowned". To love children too much is to drown them. The ancients said: "Although you love it every day, it is really harmful; Although I love it every day, I really hate it. " This is the best annotation to the word "pet". Han Feizi has a saying: "People don't love their parents, and everyone loves them, which may not be cured." This means that the affection between people is not as good as parents' love for their children, but only love may not educate a good child.

Since ancient times, there has been a family education style that does not spoil children. "Parents' beloved son is far-reaching. "Luo Yin, a poet in the Tang Dynasty, wrote two poems for his friends:" The national plan has been pushed forward, so go forward bravely. Family fortune is not for future generations. "What he advocates is to be brave and fearless for the country. But never seek wealth for your children and grandchildren. Lin Zexu wrote a couplet: "Children and grandchildren are like me, what should I do with money?" "Virtue and wealth, will damage its ambition. My children and grandchildren are not as good as me. What did you leave the money for? Foolish and rich, benefit to increase it. " It means that if future generations are as honest as I am, then what should I leave him money for? He's already smart. I left him money and property, which actually damaged his will to struggle. My children and grandchildren are not as good as me. Leaving money to him will make him relax, hate work and live in the open space. The more money you save, the more you run amok and make more mistakes.

There is a well-known story about a boy who was spoiled by his mother since childhood in ancient times. Before his execution, he wanted to take a sip of his mother's milk, and her mother untied his skirt and fed him. The boy bit off his mother's nipple in one bite. He did this because he hated his mother's spoil and hurt him.

Coincidentally, there is also a story in the famous Aesop's Fables: a thief was caught red-handed, with his hands tied behind his back and taken to the executioner. The loving mother followed, beating her chest and crying. My son turned around and said he wanted to say something to her. Mother walked over. Unexpectedly, I was bitten off by my son. It is not enough for a mother to scold her son for his unfilial crime. Bite off my mother's ear. The juvenile delinquent said, "If you hit me when I stole my classmate's clipboard for the first time and came back to you, I wouldn't be more and more courageous and would be executed now."

There is such a fable in the book "A Survey of Ancient and Modern Tan": In order to avoid disaster, kingfishers began to build nests high in the trees. After the bird hatched, it liked it very much, for fear that it would fall from its high nest and die. So he moved the nest down. When the little kingfisher grows feathers, it is very beautiful, and it is even more fondle admiringly. He became more and more afraid that the little kingfisher would fall, so he moved down the nest and moved to a tree close to the ground. This way. The kingfisher was relieved, but when passers-by found this little kingfisher, they just raised their hands and took it away.

There is a story in Balzac's works: the flour merchant Gao Laotou dotes on his daughter very much. He used most of his property as a dowry to make her squeeze into the upper class and live a luxurious life as a lady. In order to make her happy, he paid off her lover's debt and helped her commit adultery. However, the married daughter, after squeezing her father's last pension, abandoned him mercilessly like a lemon.

Now is the only child era, and children have become the center of the family. "If you hold it in your hand, you are afraid of flying, but if you hold it in your mouth, you are afraid of melting." A lot of care, too much care, this is doting education, which has become the mainstream of family education. Spoiling is an irrational attitude of indulging, accommodating and appeasing children. Specifically, children are placed in a special position in the family, overprotected and regarded as the center of the family; Adopt a submissive attitude towards children's humanity and arrogance; In life, let the children eat alone and arrange for themselves; Wrong "justifying a fault" for children's shortcomings, etc.

Parents must learn from the past and look at their children's mistakes and shortcomings objectively. Children grow up making mistakes. Parents should be able to look at their children's mistakes and shortcomings objectively, don't cover up and protect their weaknesses. Some parents try their best to shelter their children's mistakes and cover up their shortcomings. As a result, their children's small mistakes turned into big mistakes, and small shortcomings turned into big problems. Correct love should be to prevent children's mistakes and shortcomings before they happen.

In fact, doting is a kind of deprivation and a sin, which may cause incompetence or disability and leave lifelong regret. But I don't know that mental and ability disabilities are more terrible than physical disabilities.

Spoiling brings incompetence.

Children are the future of the motherland, the flowers of the society and the hope of the family, so they will be fully concerned by the state, society and family. But specifically, whether a child can grow up healthily is related to his future. Therefore, children's education has become a common concern of the society.

Some children in China are deformed by the traditional education of their families. Children are a worry to parents. It can be said that the child has been deeply rooted in the hearts of parents from the moment he or she came to this world. Parents' love for their children can develop to the point of doting. For example. When a child falls down while walking, parents must rush to help him (her) up and comfort the child's falling heart with sweet words. As a result, the traditional family doting education began to be put into practice. Children eat, parents send his (her) food to his (her) mouth, and children sleep. Parents make a quilt for him (her), although these children are eight or nine years old.

In this way, these children's dependence on their parents will accompany them for most of their lives or their whole lives. Let's take a look at some American family education models, which are often different from those in China.

When an American child falls, his parents will never help him or her. From this point of view, it fundamentally reflects that there are problems in the way parents educate their children in China.

Parents' love for their children is human nature. However, once this kind of love is transformed into doting, it will become qualitative. We often say: "Spoiling is killing children, and moderate love is a measured parent." It often takes moderate love and reasonable guidance to make a child. But some of our parents in China often turn a blind eye. This not only harms children, but also harms parents. We say that a person's growth is mainly influenced by three aspects: A, family B, school C, and society, among which option A is very important. Because the first thing a person sees when he comes to this world is his parents. No wonder our first address from primary school is "mom" or "dad", followed by "uncle" and "uncle", and as for teachers and friends in the future, it is far away. Therefore, parents' words and deeds are deeply engraved in the children's hearts. If parents take the place of what children can do. Then objectively, parents obliterate their children's independent living ability, not to mention their self-innovation and practical ability. Just like this story, there was a doctoral student in the Chinese Academy of Sciences who got excellent grades, but was expelled from school because he didn't know how to eat. I may not believe it after reading it. But this is a real case. People are inherently inert. If a person has something other than human beings instead of everything he does, he will never do it himself and have plenty of food and clothing. We want to replace our daily life with robots, so that we can enjoy the comfort of human beings. Unfortunately, this fantasy cannot be realized for the time being. So ... each of us is born with inertia. It's just that this inertia is more prominent in some people, but slightly less in others. Therefore, if a person is used to parents' doting since childhood, then he or she will never be the future of the motherland and the hope of the family.

As far as China's current situation is concerned, the proportion of this situation in rural areas is slightly higher than that in cities. After all, the city has gathered most of the middle and high-yield classes with knowledge, culture and quality. They don't like educating their children very much. But the countryside is very different. Some parents finally gave birth to a male who can carry on the family line. That's great. Spoiled to the point of inseparable. Even the names are lovely: a cat and a dog in the south, cats, donkeys, dogs, Niu Niu and even pigs in the north. Destroy by expressing feelings. But it does not rule out the doting phenomenon of some parents in the city. In short, doting is a common phenomenon in both urban and rural areas. Because of doting, there are many incompetent bookworms, incompetent healthy teenagers, and what's more, there are "prisoners in prison".

Parents should be good at guiding their children to overcome difficulties and setbacks. Some parents are eager to love their children, overprotect and care for their children, and engage in the whole process of arranging services. This is actually "softening" the child's mind, suggesting that the child is incompetent. Deprived children of opportunities and rights for activities and development. Practice has proved that the children raised by such parents are often weak and naive. In order for children to endure the hardships of life and the storms of society in the future, they must be allowed to try and experience difficulties and setbacks from an early age and learn to treat them with a calm mood and a reasonable way.

Therefore. We can easily find it. Some parents' doting on their children in China does have great disadvantages. For the healthy growth of children, for the hope in parents' hearts, for the bright future of flowers in the motherland, please be stingy with your "doting"!

Being stingy with your care is equivalent to saving your child! If you don't want to hear the cry of "save the children", be a practitioner!

Beware of children accusing us.

People say: poverty inherits the wind. Parents often tell their children with three points of pride, three points of loftiness, three points of injustice, plus one point of regret. However, even so. But still willing, day after day, generation after generation, such a "poor" love. A few years ago, some serious sociologists once said, after the ancient matriarchal society and paternal society, did human beings step into the society of "children's rights"? Whether it is in theory or not, it can't hide the fact that parents love their children more. The greater the sense of loss of children's expectations. We have to ask: Parents, do we love too much?

Today's children are "a seedling in a 100-acre field" and their living standards are higher than in the past, so society and families have the ability to "water" this "seedling". We are confident that we are the most affectionate nation, and we have long regarded the "harshness" of parents to their children in western families as the indifference between people. Things, as far as possible adults do; Delicious, let the children eat; The requirement for children is to be obedient, and at the same time, to place too high and too heavy "hope" on children. Many parents have designed a "single-plank bridge" for their children since "prenatal education". Because "design" is unrealistic. It often causes children's "rebound". "Glorifying ancestors" is often the weakness of some of our parents' love for their children, so we should be especially wary of this traditional yeast making our love unpalatable.

If you live a good life, you should guard against the "disease of wealth", which is the advice given by doctors and the alarm sounded by sociologists. During the period of Japan's economic take-off, the new generation became powerless because they were spoiled from childhood and could not bear hardships. Being pampered in life leads to spiritual emptiness, pessimism and indifference to the future: this gives rise to a sense of responsibility to society, and a young generation called "three noes" appears-without strength, care and responsibility. Will this "disease" infect us? In fact, the symptoms of "three no races" have appeared in some of our teenagers, which deeply troubled our parents. When Pele won the World Cup for the third time in Brazil, it coincided with the birth of his son. People blessed him: "This child will become a star like you in the future." Bailey shook his head. "He will never achieve what his father did." "Why?" Bailey explained: "His family is rich now, not as poor as I used to be, so he will lack the competitive ability." It should be said that Bailey's godson's "sense of hardship" is worth learning.

Balzac put it well: "The future of the nation is in the hands of the mother." The problem of children is almost the result of our painstaking "love", and it is also something accumulated in traditional society and made by adult society. To examine whether our love is excessive, we should first look at whether the motivation and form of our love are right. Otherwise, it is unfair to blame the children. Parents and grandparents are not only responsible for their children's physical health, but also for their mental health; We should not only think of today's children, but also think of tomorrow's children. In the superior living environment, consciously temper children, let them know how to bear hardships, respect others and parents, learn tolerance, patience and understanding, and at the same time establish a sense of competition, competition, self-improvement and risk. Love, also want to talk about science, reason, benefit, can't spoil, more can't love by mistake.

A 24-year-old American youth took his parents to court on the grounds that his parents did not raise him strictly when he was young, so that he could not stand on the society as an adult, and asked his parents to pay $350,000 in compensation.

Parents now should not repeat the same mistakes, and don't let our children accuse us in the court of 2 1 century!

Parents prefer to pet cows for their children.

Family should be the first class for children, and children's diligence, filial piety and sense of responsibility should be passed on to their children by parents in family education. The first few generations of only children in China were the main members of "NEET", who were born in the late 1970s and early 1980s. I grew up under the five actions of "hug", "hug", "carry" and "carry", and I developed what my parents should do. There are loving, willful, incomplete and irresponsible parents everywhere.

When they step into the society, no matter they encounter even a little difficulty and frustration in their work or interpersonal relationship, many people will show discomfort. So as to retire under the "wings" of parents. At this time. Parents do not encourage their children to overcome difficulties, nor do they guide them correctly, but blindly protect and care for their children. When children develop the character of "always being children in front of their parents" and find it difficult to be financially independent, parents begin to worry: "How can children live without us?" But I can't bear to "let the children go back to nature" and "let them suffer that". Therefore, he interpreted the tragedy of being a cow and a horse for his children, complaining hard and "bowing down to be a cow for his children".

Children who grow up in a doting environment think that the whole world should serve them, and their energy is spent on how to manipulate others to meet their own needs and evade their responsibilities, lacking a sense of responsibility and self-care ability. This is the advice given to parents by child psychologists.

Nowadays, many parents are keen to do what they can for their children, which is essentially a blow to their enthusiasm. Because it will make them lose the opportunity to practice. Parents are telling their children: I don't believe in your ability. Edward's father died. Mother loves him even more. He is four years old, and his mother still feeds him all day, dresses him and wears shoes. Edward went to kindergarten, and the teacher told his mother that Edward would not button his clothes or wear shoes ... The teacher told Edward's mother that he should be allowed to do what other 4-year-olds should learn. But his mother said, "I like my only son." He is everything to me now, and I would rather make the greatest sacrifice for him. "

A mother's love for her son is pity for her son. She thinks she is a good mother and has contributed everything to her son. But this extraordinary and excessive love has many negative effects. First of all, the son will feel that his mother will naturally help him do everything and serve him: he can do nothing. And one day his mother will no longer take care of him like this, and he will feel a heavy sense of loss. This type of mother. Such selfless behavior is actually selfish. Because he neglected the needs of children's own growth and development. If the mother continues to do things for the children after they grow up and go to school, and Edward will neither do this nor study, then he will think that he is an incompetent person and he will face a strange world and be unprepared.

Every parent who is responsible for their children's future should firmly remember this very important principle-doing what they can for their children is the biggest blow to their enthusiasm. Parents deny their children the right to develop their abilities. The result is disrespect for children.

Spoiling is the worst gift parents give their children.

We 100% believe that every parent loves their children very much. However, as an educator said, "loving children is something an old hen can do." It is difficult to grasp the scale of love. "

Now some parents don't let their children do any housework, especially in primary schools. Some parents tidy their children's schoolbags, wash handkerchiefs and get dressed every day. Even if they do their homework, some parents either do it for them or accompany them.

Parents often explain: "The child is still young, so it doesn't matter if you help him. Just grow up. " Is that so? According to experts' investigation, if a child does not cultivate real work habits before the age of 15, he may become a "little lazy girl" or "lazy girl" for life. Such children are highly dependent and lack self-confidence. The adverse effects on children's psychology are often long-term.

The concept of quality education has been put forward for a long time. Many parents simply pin the task of quality education on schools and teachers. In fact, the cultivation of non-intellectual factors such as children's will, personality and emotion in primary and secondary schools is inseparable from parents' and family education. Cai Yuanpei, an educator in China, once concluded that "children are taught by their families. Although they are thin and thin, they are often obsessed with them." A lifetime's career depends largely on babies. This shows that parents' family education for their children is really important, and it also shows that we should seize the opportunity to educate our children and not expect them to "grow up better." Teachers all know that it is often much more difficult to transform a person than to shape one.

There are many examples of parents doting on their children and finally eating their own fruit. For example, a professor and his wife were killed by their beloved only son. This makes parents generally don't understand: Why do children become like this when they get love? It's like working hard to plant melons, but harvesting bitter melons.

Educational psychologists believe that. Children's views on parental rights directly affect their future views on the environment and social norms. The "bad consequences" usually come out like this: children try again and again and successfully break through the norms set by their parents. For example, they didn't buy toys today, but they bought them as soon as they quarreled. Children regard their parents' connivance as weakness (at least subconsciously), and then expect all people to meet all their requirements like their parents-how is this possible in society? Children who grow up under the doting of their parents are prone to strong resistance if they are slightly frustrated in social life. Others don't buy children's accounts outside, and children go home to give their parents double this anger.

At present, many parents still focus on their children's academic performance. Parents are willing to do everything for their children to concentrate on their studies. Actually. Simple housework, etc. , will not affect children's learning. On the contrary, it is of great benefit to give play to children's specialties and creativity. More importantly, housework can help children enhance their sense of responsibility as family members and cultivate their sense of responsibility as adults. For example, American parents often encourage their children: "Do it yourself!" This slogan has cultivated children's valuable qualities such as ability and independent concept. We don't lack this awareness, but the courage of today's generation of parents-"There is only one child now. How dare you do educational experiments with your own children? If people buy this and that for their children, I have to buy it, and I can't lose my child. "

Of course, you can't blame your parents for doting. Many people from all walks of life feel that many values that we used to take for granted in previous generations have been violently shaken by the only-child generation. Quite a few parents sincerely believe that children are about to face a more competitive society and an international living environment. Parents can't help them to control the formation of personality and personal ability. What they can do is to support their children with all their love. However, we must be soberly aware that this kind of "contracting everything" love, except expressing parents' unexpected feelings, really does not bring beneficial nourishment to children's growth. The words of a western educator are worth remembering by parents: excessive doting and doting on children will be the most terrible gift for parents to give their children.

A riddle hit a group of people. The riddle is "I have been unemployed, my parents have eaten all my meals, and I have had three full meals. My limbs are weak, my facial features are correct, my six relatives are not close, my seven points are willful, I am happy in all directions, and my nine (long) seats are motionless, which is very useless." The answer is: NEET.

I hope we don't give the bad gift of doting on our children, and let them become "neets" who are of no benefit to our family, society and ourselves.

Don't train children to be kangaroos.

The so-called "kangaroo clan" refers to a group of young urban people who have a college diploma or above but are young but do not work. Their living expenses come from their parents and they have no colleagues. The main object of their life circle is classmates. They are described as always hiding in the pockets of their elderly parents. A kangaroo that doesn't want to show its head.

The word "kangaroo" first appeared in an article in 1998 French Newsweek Express. Used to describe young people in their twenties who have reached working age after graduating from college, but still rely on their parents because of low wages. It is reported that at that time, 80% of the unemployed young people in France depended on their parents to make a living, so the author of the article transferred the characteristics of kangaroos breastfeeding in abdominal bags and growing up for six months to one year before they became independent to young people who did not want to grow up. 2/kloc-today in the 20th century, a large number of "kangaroo families" appeared in China. Some people may be unemployed at home at the age of 30, because they choose to work "high or low". You may not want to work, rely on your parents to support you, or enjoy peace in your parents' "baby bag". There are also newspapers and magazines that call these people "gnawing at the old" and "caring for the old".

"NEET" is a new term in China, but it is imported. Its predecessor was called "kangaroo clan". It was first seen in French Express. It is a metaphor for young people who are dependent on their parents on the grounds of low wages when they graduate from college and reach employment age. In China, the "NEET" is a new unemployed group, and it is growing constantly, which has brought many disharmonious social problems.

According to media surveys, there are mainly the following groups of "NEET" at present: First, college graduates, because of their picky employment, can never find their own satisfactory jobs, accounting for about 20%; Second, those who leave their jobs voluntarily because they are too tired and nervous, accounting for about10%; Third, young people with "entrepreneurial fantasy" have a strong desire to start a business, but they have no goals, lack real talents and practical knowledge, and they are always unsuccessful, and they are unwilling to be migrant workers, accounting for about 20%. Fourth, frequent job-hopping can't find a job, accounting for 10%. The fifth category is the laid-off youth in the unit, who are used to using the light work in the past to compare the busy work today. The more you compare, the more dissatisfied you are, and you simply don't get a job. This category accounts for about10%; The last category is low academic qualifications and poor skills. They can only find jobs in the low-end labor market, fearing hardship and fatigue, and simply lie at home and "chew" their parents, accounting for 30%.

According to a group of survey data released by China Research Center on Aging, at present, more than 65% families in China have the phenomenon of "providing for the aged". About 30% of adults are supported by their parents. A family survey in Shanghai shows that nearly 85% unmarried children who are not studying still need their parents to pay part or even all of their living expenses; There are more and more unemployed young people in Hunan. Unemployed people under the age of 30 account for 465,438+0% of the total unemployed. In fact, the number of newly unemployed young people in Guangdong has exceeded that of laid-off workers. They don't have a stable income, and most people rely on their parents' financial support to make a living.

The increasing "kangaroo clan" has become a serious social problem. We must pay attention to it from all walks of life. First of all, the "kangaroo clan" has become a social security risk. The current juvenile crime rate is on the rise. It has an important connection with kangaroo bag. Secondly, it triggered family conflicts. When parents lose their ability to support, kangaroos can't survive without "baby bags", some people will bite the hands that feed them, causing family conflicts and even serious family killings. The third is the deterioration of the relationship between husband and wife. Young men and women are used to relying on their parents for food and clothing. If they form a family and leave their parents' arms, it will be difficult for them to survive in society, which will worsen the relationship between husband and wife. What is light is emotional discord, quarreling and fighting; In other words, they parted ways, and even the contradiction escalated to crime.

What is the kangaroo bag made of? Let the younger generation "grow up forever"?

Social competition is fierce. Employment difficulties. Our country is in the period of social development and change, and the market economy has brought prosperity, as well as a series of chain reactions such as a sharp rise in the cost of living. This is the social reason why they lend a helping hand to their parents or family. In addition, the competition in the talent market is becoming increasingly fierce, making it more difficult for young people to find ideal jobs. In addition, there is a "35-year-old phenomenon" in society-more and more enterprises are recruiting employees. Limit the age of employment to 35 years for men and 26 years for women; Some positions with low technical threshold requirements, such as ordinary salesmen and waiters, make it difficult for older job seekers to find jobs, resulting in "35-year-old people." These "old people" have no pension and can't enjoy the "minimum living guarantee". Becoming a "kangaroo family" is their helpless choice.

Excessive family indulgence leads to unemployment. China's parents worked hard for their children all their lives. They feel that this is a responsibility, and some parents with limited ability will feel guilty when they can't provide financial support for their children. The warmth and doting of the family make young people naturally accept the financial support of their parents.

Young people refuse to grow up. Stretch your neck to feed. Most of the "kangaroo clan" are the first generation of only children. In the exam-oriented education, they have not received professional employment skills training; In the job market, they have no advantage at all. They are afraid of the complicated and changeable society and avoid hard work. In this way, some teenagers refuse or don't want to grow up. They prefer to live a comfortable, carefree and carefree life in a "baby bag" and prefer to stretch their necks to be fed. Than eat alone. The fatal defects of these young people are low skills, lack of progress, fear of competition, deviation of sense of responsibility, and indifference to thrift. The "money is more important than taste" in the social atmosphere makes them arrogant, their values are misplaced, and they are caught in the employment confusion of "high or low". Staying in their parents' "baby bags" and craning their necks to feed them has become their survival rule.

Tracing back to the source of the kangaroo phenomenon, someone made such an image metaphor: "Kangaroo is like a pot of boiling water. When the firewood of social and economic development is insufficient, the firewood of family education and school education is defective, and the firewood of their own quality is lacking. It's strange that this pot of water can boil! "

The "kangaroo clan" phenomenon is a morbid and typical parasitic lifestyle. The team of "kangaroo clan" cannot and should not be expanded, which is related to the growth of a bag of people and the rise and fall of a nation. It needs the efforts of all walks of life to make the Kangaroo family self-reliant.

Parents should not only consider their children's present life, but also their future. Children should not be allowed to waste their time in "baby bags". We should take the initiative to "wean" them and push them into society. There is an old saying in China: "Strictness is love, and looseness is harm." Parents are strict with their children and let them learn how to behave, how to survive and how to survive, which is the true love and responsible love. Even if you are a multi-millionaire, you should push your children out of the "baby bag", let them start their own businesses and stimulate their enthusiasm for progress.

The more parents care, the more rebellious their children are.

Liu Wei, 13 years old, is running away from home. He doesn't want to live with his parents because "my parents are too kind to me". He said, "My father used to drive me to and from school. When I got home, they even provided me with food, gave me food. If they want to eat apples, they peel them, cut them into small pieces and put toothpicks on the table. Housework is more difficult for me to do. They will know, let me study and read, and everything will be arranged for me in the future. I am like a puppet at home, and I have no right to speak. As soon as they expressed their opinions, they said,' You are still young. You don't have to worry about these things. You have time to study hard. Liu Wei said, "Material satisfaction is never enough. The more they care about me, the more I want to do things they don't like! "

Why do parents care more and children rebel more?

☆ Parents' excessive care makes children lack the ability to solve problems. Careful care, arranged substitution and excessive protection make children willful, selfish, lack of sense of responsibility, low labor skills, poor adaptability to the environment, and weak personality, so that they don't know how to be modest, and often encounter setbacks, setbacks and helplessness.

☆