[Story selection] Looking for the top of the mountain

With the crisp crash, the swaying wine in the goblet spilled into broken beads.

With the thunder outside the cave, we gulped down the wine.

The facial features of black tea are wrinkled into a ball, and the prominent Adam's apple rolls up and down with the fierce irrigation of red wine. The wine splashed on his face and dripped into a mossy puddle.

I adjusted my sitting posture to make myself more comfortable sitting on the rock, without taking off my skirt. Although it's a little strange to care about these things now.

When the goblet was put down by us, we looked at the entrance of the mountain under the searchlight. Outside the cave is pouring rain and rolling sediment.

The cave was dark and dreary, the steam squeezed us tightly, and the thunder shook the mountains, as if laughing at personal ignorance and weakness.

"Mr. Hong, it's a good thing you brought a searchlight."

I still maintain the elegance of my speech. Otherwise, the visibility in such a deep cave will definitely be unsatisfactory.

Black tea eyes dim: "then thank you for, uh, wine. I didn't expect you to bring wine ... do you want to drink at the top of the mountain in front of the beautiful scenery? "

"Are you seen through? Then you brought a searchlight? "

"That ... it's not, I mean, it's not for lighting. Anyway, that's something I can't live without. "

"... understandable. "

"You are very brave," Hongcha smiled palely. "You are wearing such a beautiful skirt and holding a box of wine ... Although the scene of drinking at the top of the mountain will be beautiful, it is a question whether you can get to the top of the mountain in this way ... Ah, are you not fully prepared, it may be difficult ... Do you think you can get there?"

"I know."

I asked myself this question countless times yesterday. Although I didn't bring an umbrella, although I was as wet as soaking in water, although my makeup was spent and my skirt was dirty, although I was black and blue and exhausted.

"We are all," Hongcha smiled bitterly. "There is a hope of 0. 1. There is a hope of 0. 1% to go ... to see the rainy scene in the morning from the top of the mountain. "

"I know, it has a ninety-nine point nine percent chance of being destroyed, or it will disappear forever in the torrential rain and mudslides on the mountain.

Away from the mountain, a mountain that even the professional mountaineering team has never reached the top.

The terrain is steep, and once it rains, it is likely to cause fatal mudslides. There is no way out at all, and all those who try to reach the top can only climb higher. Whether it's gravel or thorns.

The reason why a steady stream of people want to escape from this mountain is because it is said that the scenery at the top of the mountain, especially the rainy scene in the morning, is breathtaking and beautiful enough to make people regret this life.

But these are all rumors. No one knows who won the mountain in the end, and no one even knows whether this person exists.

This morning, I put on my favorite skirt and took a taxi down the hill with a box of good wine hidden under my father's bed. The driver told me not to do anything stupid, but he also said that he had no obligation to stop me from dying.

According to the weather forecast, there will be heavy rain near the mountain around 4: 44 in the morning. According to the terrain far away from the mountain, rain almost means the inevitable outbreak of debris flow. Even if there is a cave, it is only a matter of time before it is flooded by heavy rain. Sure enough.

When mountain torrents washed down with sediment, when thunderstorms mixed with rain nets, I knew my life was over. If I give up resistance,

"I'm not brave at all." I seem to be telling someone else's story, "I'm afraid of death."

Hongcha's mouth trembled slightly.

That's true. When death was in front of me, I didn't stand there to meet the arrival of death and the end of life I hated, as I expected.

But I suddenly got scared. Grey-yellow sky, dense rain net, turbulent sandstone and steep cliff. I was too shocked to do anything, and I was afraid of the pain of falling.

So I followed my instinct to survive. I started running crying. I saw a cave and ran in.

Inside, I saw black tea curled up into a ball.

"I'm just like you." Hongcha said, "I also came to die ... I also succumbed to the instinct of survival. But this does not mean cowardice ... this shows that we still have hope. "

"Hope."

"We all want to see unforgettable beauty ... maybe we are desperate for life, but we still have even the smallest yearning for beauty. This kind of beauty can be the yearning for the rainy scene at the top of the mountain in the morning, or it can be ... our survival instinct. " Every word of Hongcha hit my heart.

Thunderstorm roared outside the cave. I bit my lip and my feelings seemed to explode.

The arrogance I deliberately created is shattered at the moment.

"Nothing!" I realized that my voice had turned into tears, and the injustice and pain in my eyes seemed to overflow. "This time, I have been like a worthless waste! Nothing! "

"You don't have to do this ..."

"Then why did you die?" I asked softly, as if to jump into his past to escape.

Hongcha suddenly trembled and his breathing began to become unstable.

Black tea is a new waiter in an old-fashioned cafe. She is twenty-five years old this year. He is in charge of the front desk and serving food because the old man who used to do this job broke his leg.

Later, Hongcha saw a job advertisement in the corner of the newspaper. Then he came here and found a job for 25 cents.

"What were you doing before? Did you go to school? " I asked directly.

"About ten years ago, I have been running around since I left the original city, and there has been no one around." Hongcha answered irrelevant questions, "I made my own money ... found my own place ... I saw a lot of things." I have experienced wealth, and I am now experiencing the bottom ... "

He gulped down the wine, smacked his lips and went on talking.

"Many times I am a listener, so I listen to what many people say to me. There are business elites who comb their hair shiny, mobile dining car owners who wear stars in Dai Yue every day, and first-year girls who like skipping rope. Their stories are colorful, but I think ... let me tell you, it's like chewing a piece of wax ... or someone else's chewing wax. Very dry and tasteless. "

"You were born in a rich family? Then you left your parents? Didn't they care about you in the days after that? "

"They are dead." Hongcha stated calmly and quickly.

I shivered and decided to give him a quiet space. Hongcha's eyes are a little blurred.

Fine raindrops seem to lock us in a drum, and that hole is a crack in this drum, which is being roared by the sand.

After a long time, I finally said, "Really ... Really?"

"Fake." Hongcha replied briefly, "Or, it's true or false."

He didn't seem to want to discuss this topic, so he went on to talk about his work experience in the cafe.

Black tea took a fancy to the waiter position in that cafe. Besides three meals, the guests here are also the reason.

This is a cafe forgotten by time, located in the dirty corner of the dirty alley of the city, which has been open for more than 30 years. All the people who come here are old people. Their memories are too heavy. They need to paralyze themselves with old jazz, bitter spirits and coffee in this dim light.

"Are you infected by the words of those old people, that kind of depressing and hopeless but irrefutable breath, and you want to die?"

Hongcha smiled. He said, how come? In that case, he would be too excited.

When black tea first arrived at the cafe, I had such romantic fantasies. Who wants to admit that a shabby old coffee shop is just a coffee shop?

He imagined meeting an old man who had experienced vicissitudes and legendary years, digging out the pearls of truth in the sand of his heavy memory and generously giving them to this interesting young man. What these old people who came to the cafe have precipitated is always wet with sweat and tears, and has a mellow fragrance brewed in 70 or 80 years-isn't it?

It is inevitable that people will expect to be rewarded for their pains.

If you put up with the old and dirty cafes, the vague nonsense of the old people and the bossy bad temper, you will be rewarded, right? Just like those ascetic monks, some even beat themselves with whips, won't they be rewarded and reach some unspeakable realm?

However, when the ascetic endured hunger, pain and loneliness and came to the end of The Way, he suddenly panicked. He suddenly felt that the golden door would never open to him. He may be bemoaned by God's mercy, but the eternal truth and priceless wealth he pursued all the way were not within God's gift.

Maybe that doesn't exist?

Hongcha tried to listen to the old people and inquire about their past, but all ended in vain. Memories of old friends are like floating sand, trivial details can be clearly distinguished, but there is no gold that black tea is looking for.

The so-called life teaching has finally become nothing more than a meaningless sigh for the past years, jealousy and pride for young people, or "the beer in the past was much more mellow than it is now."

Black tea has always longed for the wisdom of the so-called old people.

Before, he thought it was an independent high-rise building. After raising his sight from the noise of the same level, he saw the deep sunset of the inclusive city. However, what he heard was that as night fell, high-rise buildings were illuminated by neon lights, and a fragile night lay on the towering dome of lights. All he could say was weakness and sadness.

This night floats shallowly over the city and may pass away at any time. When it is really lost, there will be no trace of sunset on it.

This disillusionment pain is accompanied by tea.

Spiritual pain often comes not from the cruel and desperate truth, but from doubts about the existence of truth. If you are old and lonely, you can only rest in peace in the residue of the past and prejudice. Why spend decades in the quagmire of the world?

"Maybe I won't give up." Tea shrugged and stared at the greasy cave wall overhead.

This is his last attempt. He may succeed or fail, but in any case, he has no souvenirs.

"Your searchlight?" ?

"Ah, I have been using it to explore, forests, caves and so on. Almost the same reason, thinking that as long as you go far enough, you will find something. This lamp is some kind of symbol. For the last time, it is not bad to bring it again. "

He smiled wryly: "People can live by swallowing a handful of chaff with one mouthful of water. Until one day, I rummaged through all the recipes God gave me, until the day I died, I found that water was always saliva, and the rest was just chaff. The difference is that the bran seems to be getting moldy. "

This mountain, which carries the last hope of black tea, is bared its teeth fiercely. It was raining cats and dogs, and a square stone rolled down from the top of the mountain.

"Miss, it's your turn."

what can I say?

"I'm not as tall as you, and I'm not as ambitious as you. I am just a layman, a very vulgar layman. "

You know, alas, you may not know that wine is very special for our time.

It is the most exquisite and tacky; The most beautiful and the ugliest. It is a dissolute and selfish erotic temptation, and it is also a vulgar, greasy and smelly nightmare of the bourgeoisie. ?

"Wine is for adults."

When I was just able to speak, my father, who was addicted to collecting all kinds of alcohol, began to instill such thoughts in me. I will nod.

My parents like wine.

In the bar, mom and dad went through the process of looking at each other across the table, talking through the glass, and then communicating with each other without saying anything. It was also because of the wine that my slightly drunk father helped my drunken mother home and created me that night.

I have always been excellent in personality and study since I was a child.

One day, my father became very grumpy, and that's it since then. He comes home with a smell of alcohol all day, scolding me and tearing my homework.

I said, dad, stop drinking. He said I was unworthy of giving him advice.

He growled at me that wine was a passport to the adult world. I didn't drink. Why should I talk to him about life and ideals? I haven't drunk, so why should I point fingers at others? I didn't drink, I was just a pile of garbage crushed back and forth under his feet, and I didn't have any equal right to communicate.

"Then let me drink."

I trembled and shouted at my father's red face, only to see my mother silently shaking her head at me in the shadow in the corner.

Mother's face was expressionless, but her head shook steadily, numb and stiff.

My mother forbade me to drink, but she never told me why. She would quietly take the wine I bought in my bedroom, but I never dared to drink it without giving me any reason.

I asked her why, and she told me that wine was something I should never touch. Mother is also a wine lover, but she is much gentler.

As the days passed, my father became more and more irritable. No matter how unreasonable he is in life, wine will become an excuse for him to avoid responsibility.

I have no right to comment on the adult world.

One day, after my father pressed my head against the wall, I screamed and tore at my father, and my nails scratched his face. And my mother trotted over and dragged her father trembling.

I took the opportunity to escape from my father's furious clutches, rushed into his study, took out barolo hidden in the bookcase, and went to my father who was beating his mother with red eyes.

I hit the bottleneck hard on the sharp corner of the LCD TV. Suddenly, the glass fragments splashed and the wine liquid danced like a blooming flower. Hearing the sound of broken bottles, mother screamed with fear.

I stared at my father's muddy eyes, pushed the sharp bottleneck gap to my lips, suddenly lifted the bottom of the bottle and began to gulp wine into my stomach. The wine poured down from the irregular glass cracks, cold and sticky, and rolled on my face and body.

After I drank half a glass of wine, my father jumped up and grabbed the broken bottle in my hand, regardless of my mother's cry-

"Don't come over!"

I shouted and waved my hands desperately, and the bottle fell to the ground, which was completely broken this time.

"I drank it!"

I screamed, my lips came out through the glass, and I struggled desperately with my father.

"Not to say that I am garbage? I've already had a drink! I'm telling you, you are the garbage that should be trampled under your feet! You are! "

……

I shook my glass.

I have drunk all the wine in it, and there is still a little crimson wine left in the cup. A drop of water drips from the top of the cave and drops into my goblet impartially.

"At that time, I couldn't get back the taste of the bottle of barolo ... because it was the first time I drank, I felt tongue-tied, and then it was very intense for emotional reasons. Moreover, at that time, the wine was still poured into the stomach with the blood left on the lips. "

"What about after that night?"

I don't remember what happened that night. Actually, I'm really not suitable for drinking. I get drunk easily, and when I get drunk, I go crazy. The key is to keep filling myself with more overloaded wine.

After getting up the next day, I had a splitting headache. After getting up, my parents went to work and the living room was clean and tidy. Nothing seems to have happened, the only difference is that there are five bottles of barolo missing from the study.

I tripped and fell to the ground. I wiped my head with my hand, and there was some wet blood.

Carry a heavy load.

Mother bears a heavy burden for the normal life of our family. She was beaten and scolded, she cleaned up the mess and made the bed.

Is this probably the only comfort I have left?

Years are quiet?

"Oh!" I laughed loudly and spat at the trash can full of bottle fragments.

What did my father show me? Is this called the adult world?

I began to buy inferior beer and indulge myself with boys who dyed their hair blonde.

We performed a French kiss with alcohol, which made each other's lipsticks melt in the noisy cheers. I twisted my hips to the maximum extent in the brightest spotlight and made the most lewd cry. In the music that bombs the eardrum, I kiss when I see wine and drink when I see people. My half-naked body is covered with tooth marks and bright red hickeys.

It took people around me a while to get used to my plummeting grades.

Spending the night outside, fighting with my boyfriend with earrings in a tattoo parlor. We also invited our brothers and sisters to enjoy fresh and delicious sandwich biscuits.

"Miss, this is not good." Hongcha's eyes were gloomy.

"Of course I know."

I seldom go home, and I often quarrel when I get home. My father threatened to lock me in the house, and my mother sometimes sighed, sometimes dissuaded me, and sometimes shed tears silently. At that time, I loved to challenge my father. The only thing that made me feel bad was that I was a little sorry for my mother.

And just yesterday, I woke up from my boyfriend and found him watching porn.

"*! I haven't doubted that you can't satisfy me. Did you dislike me first? "

I sat up and looked at my boyfriend's cell phone.

The pornographic lens is shaking, and it is obvious that someone is holding the lens. The picture shows a woman with big breasts, naked, screaming and holding a beer bottle and shaking it up and down with her private parts. She is masturbating.

"Then that person is my mother."

"……"

"At the end of the film, I heard my father's voice, like' I finally found out what you do in the box every day'. Then the movie broke. My boyfriend said that the actress acted in a series, which was the fourteenth and last episode. The film is very old. The last episode was broadcast about seven or eight years ago. It was from that time that my father began to drink alcohol and became violent. "

Hong was silent and his eyes were bottomless.

"Then I went home. My mother didn't have to go to work that day. At that time, she was washing clothes. I called' Mom', then turned on the video and smiled and asked her what was going on. Poof haha. "

I burst out laughing.

"After that, my mother ran away. I didn't chase her either. A few hours later, a police uncle called. The police uncle said that my mother had an accident and had a car accident. Oh, by the way, the cause of the accident was mom's drunk driving.

"After that, dad went to the police uncle. I was alone at home, thinking over many questions I could think of, and tears flowed down one by one.

"Just a few hours before I decided to climb the mountain? Dad sent two wechat messages, the first one said that mom died after being rescued, and the second one said that she would not come back tonight. Actually, I'm waiting. I am waiting for the news of my mother's death. I obviously don't want her to die, but a voice told me that this is bound to happen and I must climb the mountain. "

A light flashed across every corner of the valley and cave. After a few tens of seconds, thunder sounded, reflected in the cave and bombarded the eardrum. Rainstorms and mudslides never stop.

"I just want to pursue the future I think. It's not a lie made up by my parents with wine, but the future I want. Now I don't even know what this future is, and I don't know if I am chasing this road. "

I stole my father's good wine, put on my most beautiful skirt, put on the strongest makeup and put on the most beautiful shoes. I want to explore the future I want in my own way with my most beautiful posture and wine that I love and hate.

The so-called adult world.

However, I know that when I learned the true face of my mother, I was more like despair. Despair of the so-called wine, the future, and the road to self.

I'm here to die. Although I'm scared.

I took a long breath, raised my head and paddled my feet in the ankle-deep water.

"Miss, how old are you this year?"

"Next week is my bar mitzvah."

Unconsciously, the rain flooded us deeper and deeper.

"I'm not afraid of your jokes," I slapped the water with my foot. "I ask your story first, but I want to find a reason to live. Ha ha ha, you really let me down. "

"In fact, the adult world you are pursuing is completely defined by yourself. No matter what form it is, whether it is chaotic, slutty or down-to-earth, it is a world you have explored yourself. You don't have to question whether your future exists. What tortures you most now is confusion. "

"oh? ..... Why do you see it? "

"You are confused about the correctness of your current behavior ... this is the most superficial. In fact, you are more confused because you don't know if you are' chasing the future'. Your future does exist, but you doubt whether your road is really exploring the future, or just standing still or even going backwards. "

"... if you say so, whether you go up or down, even if you don't go, isn't it all my adult world? "

Hongcha stared at me for a while, and then returned the glass to me.

"Do you really think so?" He asked when he handed me the goblet.

My hand didn't stop shaking, the cup didn't connect stably, and I knocked on the rock. It's broken.

"What really puzzles you is that you are worried that you have lost the direction of exploration because of the confusion of goals. Are you really still exploring the future normally?

"You deliberately rebelled because of your parents. At that time, it was a chic exploration for you. After your mother revealed herself, you lost your comfort and direction on this exploration road, and you found yourself in the dark. At this time, going up and down is no longer whether you personally degenerate in society, but whether you personally advance in faith.

"Your belief never lies in whether the desired end exists, but in whether you are on the way to that end."

"You're right." I whispered.

I found that it was getting brighter and the details in the cave became clearer and clearer. It's probably dawn.

"But in any case, my actions will not change." I gave him a calm smile. "The rainy scene from the top of the mountain in the morning, no matter what it looks like or even whether it exists, is the most beautiful scenery for me. What I care about is my upward climb. That means I won't stop climbing-so will you, black tea. You will also climb up, because you want to know if your belief goal exists. You pay attention to the result, I pay attention to the process, but the result is that we are mutually assured destruction-hahahaha! "

Tea grinned awkwardly.

"Two narrow escape, hiding in the cave after some conversation, decided to continue climbing. And I don't regret it. " I sighed.

"More determined?" Hongcha spoke softly.

I stood up and said, "Secondary Two! Although it's Form 2, it's the only way to make life interesting! How romantic it is to die for faith! Okay ... I can't go back. I don't want to go back and face everything that has broken up. At this point, I can only find some meaning in this life by climbing up. "

"... really? "

"In fact, you are very interesting." I put my hand on Hongcha's shoulder. "I don't know what you went through before you left home, and I don't care much. But you value your beliefs and goals so much and care about the realm-I can't do it. However, everyone has their own ideas, and I respect you. It is also a good thing to have someone to accompany me to climb the mountain. "

Hong looked at the mouth of the cave where it was raining cats and dogs, and the outside gradually became brighter. "I tried to read-but it was useless. That's not the ending I want ... I can't see it. "

"Don't be limited by your five senses. Break through yourself, understand? Don't you look down on the realm in the book? "

"That-that's not true." Hong tea look painful, "is not the same. It's just a moan that I can't perceive and is worthless to me. Far away, even many are not as good as the swearing of the old people. "

"Sure enough, I still don't understand you. But you made a big breakthrough today. You used to be a listener, and today you are also a narrator. I'm not that stuttering. You broke through yourself. Try to break through several aspects, and maybe the sunset you are chasing will be clearer. "

"No." Hongcha took my hand and said, "There is no ... there is no"

We fell silent again. The water has reached the knee.

"Let's go." Hong tea filed a searchlight and stood up. "Take a gamble. Sooner or later, this cave will be flooded. "

"But-"

"In fact, we are not completely desperate, right? There are thousands of ways to die in the world. Don't we still choose to take risks? Didn't you choose to explore the legendary peerless beauty? "

"0. 1%?"

Suddenly, we laughed. Laugh wildly, as if laughing at yourself and life. Endless ridicule.

We started climbing.

Rain washed our faces, mixed with mud and blood.

This mountain has no top.

It is not accurate to say that there is no mountain top. On the contrary, the top of the mountain is always changing.

Debris flow caused by heavy rain will take away everything, trees, sediment and all the stones. The uniqueness of this mountain is that it has no such thing as the main rock of a general mountain. It is a loose collection of sediments and stones. As the rain washes away, the top of the mountain will become shorter and shorter, and eventually, it will completely collapse. That day may be thousands of years later.

After we understood this, the black tea jumped down. He doesn't want to be a part of this mountain. He was too stubborn all his life and refused to give in until the end. Perhaps at the end of his life, he broke into the Golden Gate and saw the all-inclusive sunset.

His searchlight stood alone, and the dim beam was shining directly into the sky.

I spilled a glass of wine at the rest place.

The smell of wine will be deeply imprinted on my road to explore the top of the mountain, which tells the world that I have pursued it.

The taste of wine may still be branded in my later life, which makes me intoxicated, but I can't get rid of it.

The sun rises slowly behind the clouds, but the top of the mountain rolls down.