Complete works of humorous jokes

With the improvement of living conditions, there are more and more dogs in cities.

It's really a pleasant and comforting feeling to watch the cute furry little guy running on the road in his clothes.

First of all, female compatriots are happy to find a loyal partner. Secondly, the joy of opening a pet hospital makes pets earn a lot of money. I heard that some people who treat diseases will switch to open dog hospitals. Finally, the happiness of selling dog food is higher than the profit of selling other people's dishes.

As the saying goes, there are advantages and disadvantages.

First, some male compatriots are unhappy. Since they got a dog, the lady has let it sleep on the sofa. Secondly, people walking on the road are unhappy. Puppies sometimes show strong interest in strangers, run after people and smell people, which makes people's blood pressure suddenly rise. Third, I am particularly unhappy. Once a beautiful woman passed me with a pug. I was fascinated and followed them unconsciously and quietly. Just turning a corner, the beauty disappeared. That's not what bothers me the most. The saddest thing is that I stepped in shit again.

Li Shifu is a famous boxer in China, especially his drunken fist, which is very exquisite. People came to him to learn drunken boxing in an endless stream, so Li Shifu opened a martial arts school, and more people came to him to learn boxing. However, three months later, the martial arts school closed, and I met Li Shifu yesterday.

Me: "Li Shifu, why is your martial arts school closed?"

Li Shifu: "If you don't make money, you have to drink the northwest wind if you don't close the door!"

Me: "No way, you must have a lot of tuition for so many apprentices?"

Li Shifu: "Hey, the tuition is not enough for the disciples to drink! "

Me: "..."

Last night, my wife instructed me to practice boxing.

Me: "Wife, Wing Chun is fast and powerful, combining rigidity with softness ..."

Wife: "well, hit the waist, hard!" " "

Me: "Wife, do you think I'm good at Cheng Yan boxing or Liu Ye palm boxing?"

Wife: "anything will do, don't talk nonsense, push!" " "

Me: "Wife, I feel that there is still a lot of room for improvement in this wing chun boxing, such as …"

Wife: "shut up, let you recite it for me, where come so much nonsense, push it quickly!" " "

I went on a business trip for a year and came back to find my girlfriend pregnant. I am very angry.

I strike the table: "Bitch, come on, whose child is this?"

The girlfriend looked disdainful and said, "Does it matter who it is? Do you know who Jesus' father was? He became the founder of Christianity. "You know who the Monkey King's father is, but he became a fighting Buddha; Is Liu Bang's father a serpent or Liu Taigong? You know, people are all emperors! Therefore, it doesn't matter who the son says, as long as he is promising, just call you dad. Don't take advantage, tell me! "

Xiaomei took the train and heard the conversation between two male passengers next door.

Passenger A: "Yesterday, I also took you to that place. Tell me, what does it feel like to do that? "

Passenger B: "Uncle, I have no experience for the first time. I feel that the chest near the door is a little small and feels a little hard! " "

Passenger A: "Hard? Can't, early know I also try. "

Xiaomei showed disdain on her face and interjected: "You uncles, you are not ashamed to say such obscene things!"

Passenger A: "Girl, what's your hurry? I am a milkman. Can't I take my nephew to work on our farm? "

Xiaomei: "..."

6. There is a Korean class in our school. I found a Korean girl as my girlfriend. Yesterday, my girlfriend asked me in broken Chinese, "Dong Zi, let's watch TV and recommend a funny TV."

My first thought was Journey to the West, because Bajie was more interesting, so I answered her, "Let me accompany you to see Journey to the West."

Girlfriend: "Is this interesting?"

Me: "There is a male No.3 in it, which looks like a pig. He used to be a marshal, bragging all day, very funny! " "

My girlfriend is provocative: "If you insult our marshal palutkin again, I will break up with you!"

Me: "..."

7. Song: You owe money.

Will you remember tomorrow?

The IOU you wrote last year.

Do you still miss tomorrow?

You lent me money before.

You are very reluctant.

No matter who borrows money.

I have no money at hand.

I remember you owed money.

Who found you hiding from debts everywhere?

Who should I reward?

Even if you only paid part of it back.

Solve my urgent needs

La la la ~ la ~

8. Song: This winter is rather boring.

I feel bored in winter,

A series of disturbing things.

First, the temperature drops,

Beauty, put on that thick coat.

Not much money is saved,

Double 1 1 online shopping should be a carnival.

If the temperature is low, you have to keep warm.

You have to pay for heating and air conditioning.

What I hate most is Christmas Eve.

It is really expensive to have a foreign festival.

1 month 1 day is New Year's Day.

The holiday is only three days.

The most feared thing is the Spring Festival.

It's annoying to go home and spend money on blind dates.

9. Full rolling fork

Yue Fei

After the mid-term exam, I want to cry. This is a lie. Take a look, full of crosses, tragic mistakes, more than 30 scores and events, more than 80 days and nights. Pocket money, no longer owned, can only be borrowed.

The monthly exam is still quite embarrassing; When will the mid-term hatred be extinguished? Drive a truck and smash a middle school. Take revenge by eating the headmaster's meat raw and drinking the teacher's blood directly. Stay away from prison and ride a tricycle to solicit customers.

10, Shandong Express, praising our property.

Be a fool, be a fool,

Don't gossip,

Table 1 is a property hooligan in our community.

He hadn't come when we went to work,

We are closed after work.

Sanitation is not cleaned all the year round, but the charge is very frequent.

There are not many workers, but many leaders.

There are many street lamps, but they don't light up at night.

Seeing that winter is coming again, the heating event is the first.

The heating bill was collected in time, and they didn't panic because of heating.

The owner went to settle accounts together, and the property manager's surname was Wang.

Manager Wang blew his beard and stared, which owner dared to shout,

It's ten degrees in the room, so it's tender and cold.

The temperature is a little high, and the soup is being stewed in the kitchen pot.

Hearing this, the master was anxious and shouted.

Since then, the manager has been nicknamed Wang Batang.

1 1, Daughter: Mom, how to make sentences with the sea?

Mom: I've only heard of finding a needle in a haystack, not a needle in a haystack!

Daughter: ......

12, what a coincidence! I retired from my important post on the same day as Obama!

When I get home, I am used to lying on the sofa, smoking a cigarette, drinking a cup of tea and relaxing.

I had a whim and asked my daughter-in-law, "Tell me, what will happen when Obama comes home today?"

My daughter-in-law squinted and asked me, "Do you really want to know?"

I nodded. My daughter-in-law tore off her apron and threw it in my face, yelling at me in pure American English: "Stop putting on airs and go to the kitchen to cook for me!" " Right now! "

13, school canteen.

Student: "Aunt, the food in the canteen has improved a lot recently?"

Aunt: "Of course, after the leader's inspection left, the principal told us to let you have a good meal."

Student: "But now the amount is too small, we can't eat enough!" " "

Aunt: "Then there is no change. The leader only said that you should eat well, not eat enough. "

Student: " ...

..."

14, daughter-in-law's mouth is heavy. I can't get used to cooking and putting salt on the dead! I want my daughter-in-law to change, but she not only refused to change, but also found some reasons to say to me, "Do you know? I think it makes sense to put a lot of salt in the dish. "

I asked, "What is the moral?"

The daughter-in-law smiled all over her face: "This is called leisure (salty) to have nothing to do, which can keep our family safe!"

15, employee: boss, when I entered the factory, didn't you personally say that quarterly bonuses would be given every six months?

Boss: Yes, I did!

Employee: It has been more than half a year now. Why haven't you seen it?

Boss: Well, you have to ask your supervisor to fill out the application form for this jealousy award first. Fill in the name, gender, age, ID number, home address, etc. Also write clearly in the remarks, who are you jealous of, why, the degree of jealousy and so on.

Hearing this, the employee suddenly became stupid. ......

16. After the affair was exposed, he came home like a sinner, and Xie and his mother ignored him.

I saw Xie holding his son and saying to him, "Ignore him, your father is an alien."

Dānlín stepped forward and took the initiative to talk to his son: "Your mother is right! I am an alien who has won two men's singles Olympic champions and refreshed history. "

But I didn't expect Xie Fangxing to say coldly: "When I say aliens, I mean men who are cheating outside."

17, daughter-in-law always praises me. With all her hype, everyone knows that there is a model husband living in this building!

I have a thin face. Since my daughter-in-law likes to brag so much, I will study hard to cook, do housework and tinker. Even the children at home are taught by me after reviewing. ...

My daughter-in-law's girlfriend came to play at home, and I was cooking in the kitchen, vaguely listening to my daughter-in-law muttering to her girlfriend: "This man, you have to boast, coax and cheat!" As long as you praise well, he will work hard for you! "

18, I: "Fishing can temper people's minds. Jiang Taigong likes fishing on the banks of Weihe River, and later helped Wang Wen Jianli to be 800 years old. Tolstoy liked fishing. He conceived his works while fishing and eventually became a great writer in the civilized world. Stalin liked fishing, fishing calmly and thinking, and finally won the victory of the Great Patriotic War. Therefore, I also like fishing. I believe that one day, I can succeed! "

Tourist area manager: "Cut the crap, fishing in the tourist area will be fined, and it's no use arguing again!" " "

19, get up in the morning, dad: son, today's exam, dad specially prepared breakfast for you.

Son: Why do you have to prepare for instant noodles?

Dad: Look, son, this is called unity 100. Dad wishes everyone a hundred years of harmony!

Going home at night, Dad: Son, how was the exam today?

Son: Dad, don't tell me that the breakfast you prepared carefully today really works!

Dad: I tell you, eating 100 is a good sign!

Son: There are three languages in English, 30 in Chinese, 30 in mathematics and 40 in English, which is exactly 100!

Dad: Nima …

20. As soon as the wife enters the house: Husband, I want to buy a villa, and there are people. ...

My husband immediately said: Wife, are you crazy? Can we afford millions of villas?

Wife: Then buy a BMW!

Husband: BMW also costs hundreds of thousands. Aren't we going to live in the future?

The wife strikes the table: this one disagrees and that one disagrees. Are you a man?

Husband: Wife, you are asking too much. How can I promise? It's hard to make a realistic request.

Wife: Then let me make a small request!

Husband: OK, OK, you mentioned it.

Wife: I took a fancy to a bag, 5 thousand yuan. Is it too much to ask?

Husband: Lying in the trough, it's all routine. ......