A witty joke.

In the history of mankind, since there was language, there has been banter language. At the earliest time, people passed it on by word of mouth. Later, there were words and many jokes were recorded. The following are humorous jokes I have carefully collected, hoping to help you.

A witty joke 1 1. In the middle of the night, the customer service phone number of China Eastern Airlines is always busy for half an hour, so I am anxious to change it. Suddenly I had a brainwave and chose English service. The phone was connected at once. I asked calmly, "Can you speak Chinese?" The other person was silent for three seconds, and then answered "Go ahead". So we have been communicating in friendly Chinese. Meng mayonnaise

2. There was a sudden power failure in the morning. My mother asked me to go to the property to see if there was any arrears in the home appliance card. I lay in bed, took out my cell phone and turned on wifi. The list is empty. . . "Mom ~ the community has stopped." Turn over and go back to sleep. Jack

I was waiting for someone by the roadside when I suddenly saw a lovely girl running towards me and asked me timidly: Excuse me, are you Gu Lei?

I paused, that girl is my kind.

I thought about it and answered: I can!

Then, my sister was amused by me!

Later she became my girlfriend. We are now in the seventh year and have a lovely baby. Later, I learned that that day, Gu Lei was his brother. She borrowed books from him, but I beat her to it. Sorry, Mr. Gu! Zhou mian

I was waiting for my roommate in front of the library, and suddenly I saw a little brother in front who was very handsome and my favorite type, but I was embarrassed to strike up a conversation.

Suddenly, I had a brainwave. I play dumb and ask, are you Gu Lei? Gu Lei is one of my brothers, just pick a name.

Who knows that the opposite side is silent for a moment, reply to me: I can!

I was amused.

Then he became my male ticket.

Seven years later ...

I'm so fucking witty. Lingkoro

5. I am the fire chief. Recently, there are many fires in spring, and there are frequent fire investigations, so I have a hoarse voice and always cough. I bought two pears yesterday to clear away dryness and moisten my lungs. This is the background.

Walking to work with two pears, I met my colleague love rat. I hate him very much at ordinary times and always take advantage of others.

He asked shyly, why do you want to buy pears?

I replied: moisten the lungs.

He asked: Why buy two? The implication is to ask him if he wants to give him one.

I replied without changing color: one moistens the left lung and the other moistens the right lung.

Love rat grimace of a grin instantaneous convergence, leave.

I maintained a facial paralysis-like indifference throughout the question and answer process. Qunhu

6. Childhood

I got 18 in math.

I changed it to 78 myself first.

Then change it to 98.

When I got home, my dad said that your Guawa scored 78 points and thought I couldn't pass the exam.

Go out to play with eggs

I went out to play clown fish.

7. Go to the haunted house with your classmates! I lost myself, just when I was afraid, I took out my mobile phone and clicked "Today is a good day" ~

So all the staff playing with ghosts laughed along the way! plum

8. Jun A takes the exam for Jun B. This subject is an elective course for Mr. B. He is absent from class all the year round. It happens that the content of the elective course is Jun A's major. With Jun A's background, he casually passed the exam, and Jun A played the gunman.

Generally, there are many aquatic products, and it is normal for the examination room to be mixed with unfamiliar faces. And in terms of importance, the invigilator will not check the student ID card.

This seems to be a very stable case with very low risk.

But the strange feeling has been harassing Mr. A from the moment he entered the examination room. The number of invigilators has increased, the frequency of walking has also increased, and the examination room has even arranged a seat map to sit in the right position.

Speaking of it, a while ago, I just found out that a foreign student took the exam on behalf of our students-it was not an important subject, and as a result, two people were expelled from their respective universities. The intensity of punishment is amazing. This kind of blow is often periodic, and in this extraordinary period, teachers will even be proud of catching the typical. Everyone should hold their tails and take it step by step.

Ah Jun plays around at ordinary times. At this moment, the early warning antenna is transferred to the highest level, monitoring everything around him.

He sat in Mr. B's seat, took the test paper and began to answer questions.

He didn't write his name.

Jun doesn't know these invigilators, but he realizes that some teachers have been watching him. It's like a cheetah staring at an antelope from a distance, approaching slowly, and once its prey senses it, it will pounce on it and tear it apart.

The exam is not difficult, at least for Mr. A. In the blink of an eye, Mr. A found the teacher standing beside him, staring at the blank name and student number column for a while.

Mr. A is not a professional, and he is as strange and afraid of such a scene as ordinary people. But under the pressure of survival or destruction, he made a difficult decision-

He wrote down his name.

A strong man broke his wrist and made a quick decision.

He seemed to hear the teacher's heartbreak, and his prey fled.

She didn't want to. She grabbed Ah Jun's paper in one hand and the exam sheet in the other, and loudly asked:

A classmate, you are not a student of this course. Why did you come to take the exam? Still sitting in B's seat? There you are!

Hum, this is nothing more than the teacher's dog jumping over the wall. She can't take me without proof. Laughed the gentleman, supercilious and said:

Hello, teacher, I'm really not a student of this course, but I like this course very much, and I also sat in for a semester. Then I thought, why not take the final exam and see how much knowledge I have mastered. After the teacher corrects the paper, I will check the scores with the teaching assistant alone.

Bang. Bang. Bang.

Hit the face mercilessly. Get on the floor.

The teacher backed away helplessly. B jun also failed the exam when he was lying down.

But at least, a jun's wit saved the fate of a and B.

At this moment, A Jun is a legend.

9. The boarding school in junior high school is cut off every night 1 1. The boarding house is very strict and fierce. We call him a machine gun, and everyone is afraid of her. _ _ _ _ _ _ _ After the background introduction _ _ _ _ _ Sunday night, only one person in the dormitory next door slept in the dormitory at night. Half an hour after the lights went out, I guess the housekeeper fell asleep, and I'm going to scare him with my friends. I'm in front, and gay friends (two) is behind. Just out of the dormitory door, I saw the flashlight light on at the end of the corridor. I didn't have time to think much, so I rushed into the dormitory next door and found a bed to lie down. As expected, the dormitory administrator found me and asked me why I came here. I don't know how to think of this sentence: I was afraid that he would be afraid alone, so I came to accompany him. I still remember the gentle eyes of the machine gun after saying this, and helped me tuck in the corner? Call your sister bear face

10. When I first came to this hospital, it was already late, watching my brother in the same department get caught. I was about five meters away from him, and the damn horse caught 300 yuan. I had a flash of light, so I quickly stepped forward and grabbed my brother's hand and said, Dr. Chen, thank you. The medicine prescribed to me last time worked very well. Listen, I'm here so early. My brother froze, grabbed my hand and said, please register first. I hurried by with my head down and escaped. Liulaoliu

1 1 previously on. When I was a freshman, we revealed that a liar contacted my classmates' parents and told them how they cheated money. At that time, we also told my mother and gave her a vaccination.

The plot of this episode: Because the instructor of our college is a responsible person who needs work performance (at the end of the year), he will find a reason to talk to a few people at random. I failed probability math. . . He flipped the card yesterday, and I really didn't want to see him, so I didn't go (so frankly), and then the phone came: I have to tell my mother if I don't come (damn, I graduated from elementary school)! So I shook my head and called my mother first. . .

Me: Mom.

My mom: Well, what's the matter? There is no money again. . . )。

Me: Remember the information leak of our freshman year?

My mom: What's the matter?

Me: Recently, there was another case against senior students. A man called his parents, claiming to be a tour guide, and scared them, saying that their children failed too many courses and needed to take make-up exams, otherwise they could not graduate. If the parents are in a hurry, continue to chat with him, and then slowly talk about the make-up exam fee, saying that they will not go to find the students, and let the parents give the mat quickly. So if you get such a call and tell you that you are a tour guide, don't say anything, just call this dead liar.

My mother: Yes, I see.

Me: Don't talk too much. This is a waste of time. Be careful not to be cheated.

My mother: Don't worry, I won't. 100 thousand steamed bread

12. Go out shopping with my mother, have a pleasant trip and talk and laugh. My mother's topic took a turn for the worse like lightning. Will you tell us when you meet someone?

((((; д))) Is your usual behavior too arrogant and makes people suspicious? But it's not good to cheat your parents, and it seems that you are not as hot as the market σ (д LLL)! If you confess that you are single now, the past and the past will be broken.

"If you can get it, it will definitely bring you a purpose" (? ￣)

Mother seems to like this trick. Tai Chi Chuan successfully changed the subject? Chen zhima

13. Lying in her husband's arms, the wife asked, "Husband, if you have 1000 billion, what is the first thing you want to do?"

"Take you away." My husband blurted it out (I didn't think it was a good thing at the time).

The wife was slightly angry: "What about the second thing?"

"Marry you back!" The husband said positively.

"Why?" The wife is very confused.

"I used to do this when I married you. This is too simple, so I must do it again to make your marriage better. "

"Husband, that's very kind of you!" The wife looks very moved.

At that time, my husband really wanted to say to himself, "I'm too fucking smart to be beaten"? Lin

14. I remember when I was a child, I planted a pear tree at home. I waited for a long time, and finally the pear grew up. I'm so happy, but I don't know if I'm ripe. So I took a bite of the pear with the tree in my arms and found it was not delicious. I let it continue to grow on the tree. Am I smart? Su Wanting

15. I really want to! I have never seen such a witty girl!

Anyway, I met a little friend on the Internet, and we occasionally talked about Hearthstone. We talked for a while that day, and suddenly, he asked me

"Is your banana big?"

…………………………………………

Oh, my God, in broad daylight, Lang Lang Gan Kun! This man actually asked me if bananas were big! How I want to say proudly!

But I don't have any bananas, so I'm very happy.

I'm sorry that Miss Huang Terminal has such a rich imagination. She loves to think when she sees bananas. )

I want to answer with an iron shelf:

"It's quite big, bigger than yours"

But I hesitated, because this little friend is usually honest, and I am normal in front of him. I suspect that I may have misunderstood something.

But what does this sentence mean! ! I can't figure it out! ! ! You tell me! He won't ask me if the bananas I bought at the fruit stand at noon are big!

I thought for a moment and answered like this:

I was really witty and cleverly answered a question that was difficult for girls to answer.

however

however

I

Never imagined,

Is your banana big? Are you from Xi Jiaotong University?

Oh! Oh! Oh! I really didn't know that Xi Jiaotong University had this name!

Blind, my witty response. Get together. ? Liu Gege

16. The police caught a lobster thief at the seaside and prepared to fine him according to law.

Man: "What did you say? What law have I broken? These two lobsters are my pets. I am taking them out for a walk! "

Policeman: "I am too lazy to listen to your nonsense!" " "

Man: "Really, my Lord! They like swimming in the sea. As soon as I whistle, they will swim back! "

Policeman: "I want to see this." So the man threw two lobsters into the waves. "Well, I'll see how you can get your pet lobster back."

Man: "Lobster? What lobster? " ? Smile, smile

17. I remember that in junior high school, after every big exam, the teacher would ask us to make a summary and then read it to her in front of the whole class.

Once, when I read "The results of this exam are OK. . . "She interrupted me.

"Not bad? There are so many people in front, is this ok? . . . . . . (Omit 2000 words) "

I don't know if her information is wrong or if she expects too much from me. My grades in junior high school are not very good, and she has no reason to expect too much from me. But she really scolded me in front of the whole class.

She finished cursing, and I went on reading. . . The results of this exam can be further improved, and English reading is not good enough. . . "Akasaka Denggui

18. I once went to my uncle's house for dinner with my mother. I was a freshman at that time. My mother complained to my uncle that my father bullied her at home. My uncle doesn't believe me.

Because my father sometimes says harsh words to my mother. But this is only at home. He is very introverted outside. He is Mr. Nice guy.

At this moment, my uncle asked me. I would like to say a few words What I want to express is that my father really went a little too far and didn't want my uncle to think that I was partial to anyone. So I looked down at my meal and said, My father has a wool coat, so he goes out and puts it on. (Actually, he didn't. )

After that, my uncle pondered for a second and said that he would carefully consider my words.

19. Once in a self-study class, Erhammer wanted to fart and was afraid of being heard, so he decided to slap the table and have a good time! Cover up the fart with the huge vibration of the table.

Just witty.

Just listen to him strike the table hard, and the whole class immediately focused on him …

Then he farted a super loud fart ............ Yu Zhong.

A witty joke 2 1. A person went to the African jungle to investigate. When he took out his camera to take a photo with a group of indigenous children, he found that the children were yelling at him. The man patiently explained to the children, "This is a camera. It won't hurt you. His principle is. . . . "The indigenous leader tried to get in a word several times, but he couldn't find a chance.

Finally, when the man finished, the indigenous leader smiled and said, "The children are actually telling you that you didn't open the lens cover of the camera!" " "

One afternoon, a young man was about to tee off at the golf course when an old man came up and asked him if he could play some shots with him.

Because the young man is a person, he readily agreed.

After the kick-off, the old man played well. Although he didn't hit the ball very far, he made steady progress and hardly wasted time.

When they came to the ninth hole, the young man saw a leafy tree in Ye Sheng blocking the fairway.

The young people repeatedly observed and measured, trying to find a way to avoid the big trees.

After a few minutes, the old man said, "Do you know, young man? When I was your age, I would hit the ball hard and hit it from the top of the tree. "

Encouraged by the old man, the young man waved his life and hit the ball. Unfortunately, the ball flew directly to the canopy, then fell to the ground and rolled to the front.

At this time, the old man added, "Of course, when I was your age, this tree was only over two meters high."

A famous painter went to a beautiful place in the country for his holiday. He lives in a farmer's house. After breakfast every day, he goes out to draw with paints and picture books.

It was not until it was dark at night that he returned to the farmer's house and had a good meal before going to bed.

When the painter's holiday is over, he will pay some money to the farmers.

But the farmer said, "no, I don't need money." If you can, please give me a picture you made! "

When the painter saw that the farmer loved his paintings so much, he expressed his heartfelt thanks.

The farmer went on to say, "I didn't do it for anything else." I have a worthless son who has gone abroad and wants to be a painter. Next time he comes home, I'll show him your paintings. I think in that case, he won't want to be a painter anymore. "

A witty and humorous joke 3 1, the skill of a thief

In the eyes of condemnation, a habitual thief was tied to the execution ground by picking locks. Before he was executed, the priest who came up to him said to him, "My child, repent for your deep sins!" " ! Otherwise, the gate of heaven will be closed to you. "

"Never mind, there is no door in the world that I can't open." The thief answered!

2. Thieves protest

At the exit of a supermarket, the administrator caught a thief, opened his purse and found that all he had stolen were anti-theft locks. The administrator said to the thief, "Why did you steal so many locks?"

"Sir, I want to protest! You sell this kind of lock, what will I rely on for dinner in the future? " The thief answered angrily.

3, the thief's trick!

Xiao Zhang, who works in a printing factory, needs to cycle back and forth every day, but now thieves are very active, resulting in five bicycles being stolen from Xiao Zhang, which really makes people feel a little distressed …

So Xiao Zhang thought of a way: armed to the teeth, he put nine locks on his bike and attached a note that said, How do you steal?

But one day when I came out of the movie, I found a strange thing: there was a 1 lock on my bike. When I was wondering, I suddenly found that the note posted on the bike had been replaced, and the content was changed to: See how you ride?

4. The thief's answer

A gentleman often loses his wallet on the bus. One day, before getting on the bus, a gentleman folded a thick stack of paper and put it in an envelope. After getting off the bus, he found the envelope stolen.

The next day, a gentleman just got on the bus and felt a hard object around his waist. He felt it and saw it. That was yesterday's envelope, which said: Please don't joke like this, it will affect his normal work. Thank you! !

5, when loading

When two thieves passed a newsstand, one of them said, "Wait a minute, I'll buy a fashion magazine."

"What's the use of buying it?"

"We need to know where the pockets of fashion are in time."

6. Reduce workload

At the exit of the supermarket, the manager caught a thief. The administrator opened the wallet and saw that it was full of anti-theft locks.

The administrator asked the thief, "Why did you steal so many locks?"

"In order to reduce my workload."

7. Self-respecting thief

"You said you stole food because you were starving, so why didn't you take food to steal the till?" Asked the judge.

"That's because I am a self-respecting person, Mr. Judge." The thief said, "I always follow the principle of paying for everything I eat."

8, can't say

In court, the judge asked the thief, "How did you open that safe?"

"It's not that I don't want to say it, but that I can't say it, Mr. Judge." The thief said, "Because someone in this court may want to eat my bowl of rice."

;