What should children do if they can't control their emotions? (Commented by counselor Cao Zeneng)

Parents: Recently, children are prone to lose their temper. At school, a classmate accidentally talked about him, and the child reacted greatly and had an argument with his classmates. At home, when his parents didn't agree, he flew into a rage, quarreled with his parents and said that we didn't understand him, didn't understand him, and even ran away from home. What should we do?

Cao Zeneng, Chief Counselor of Zhuhai Bangda Psychological Counseling Co., Ltd.: Hello, parents. First of all, we must understand the meaning of emotion. The so-called emotion is a subjective experience and feeling, that is, different people will have different emotions in the face of the same thing, and the same person will have different emotions in different environments. There are three basic emotions: joy, anger and worry. When the current phenomenon is similar to people's expected consciousness, people will have joy, on the contrary, they will have anger and anxiety when they are vague. Your child loses his temper easily, which shows that the occurrence and development of external things do not meet his expected consciousness.

Secondly, we should analyze the logic of emotions. Emotional logic is divided into three stages, the first stage is based on an event, the second stage is based on the emotion of people generated by the event, and the third stage is based on the emotion generated in the second stage, with the attitude and behavior towards this emotion as the result.

For example, a classmate accidentally misunderstood your child, which belongs to the first stage; Your child is misunderstood and angry, which belongs to the second stage; Because you are angry, people's aura will be blocked. In order to make your anger smoother, your child chooses to teach that classmate, which belongs to the third stage. Maybe this classmate apologized to your child halfway, but it may not be enough to calm and straighten out your child's anger.

Next, let's look at the emotional logic of that classmate: your child hit him, which is the first stage; The student's subjective experience is also very uncomfortable, because he thinks he is unintentional and innocent, and he also apologizes, but he is still "KO" and feels that he is too deceiving. This is the second stage; Because my heart is uncomfortable and my spirit is blocked, in order to release this uncomfortable and unbalanced mood, I chose "answer blows with blows", which is the third stage.

Then there will be disputes between the two sides, and the contradictions will escalate, thus forming a vicious circle, so that "the public is right, and the old woman is right." When we come back, we will find that it is obvious that emotional logic will lead a person to the wrong path that everyone else knows. Therefore, when we return to rationality and stay in the three stages of emotional logic, we need to seriously think about: what kind of emotions should we have for the events that happened? Second, what attitude should we take towards the emotions that arise? Third, what kind of behavior should be shown for the generated emotions?

Finally, we must understand that emotions do not talk about "martial arts." When people breed emotions, they will be accompanied by simultaneous physical behavior and psychological reactions. When people are in an emotional state, rationality will be greatly reduced; When in an extreme emotional state, its rationality is basically zero. In other words, emotion is an energy. When it's time to come, it will come naturally, and when it's time to go, it will go naturally. Unreasonable and irrelevant, just like you want to comfort people who have lost their loved ones not to be sad, and you want to warn people who have won lottery prizes not to be happy. This is completely impossible.

The basic reason why two people have conflicts and quarrels is that one party fails to take care of the other's emotions. On the contrary, as a mediator, the first thing to do is not to immediately comment on the right and wrong of both sides, but to find ways to calm their emotions first. There is a psychological counseling method called Morita therapy, which is to conform to the mood, let the mood feel safe and comfortable first, relax naturally, and be in a relatively stable state, which conforms to cognition and logic, so that the interests of both sides can be balanced and each side can get its place.

However, many parents do the opposite. The more emotional they are, the more they have to "instill" and even try to suppress their children's "small emotions" with their "big emotions". Light children will "go in one ear and out the other", while heavy children will be angry and run away from home. At this time, the child will of course say, "Such parents don't understand me!" "

Suggestions: First, understanding children's emotional logic is an immature self-protection. At present, your child may "play cards" according to his own emotional logic and will not care about other people's feelings. It is difficult to empathize with others, but they will try their best to control the pace of getting along with others. In other words, when others disobey him or make him angry, he will take what he thinks is possible, even at the cost and consequences.

Second, it is the principle and bottom line to ensure the personal safety of children and classmates to the maximum extent. If you are worried that your child will have another dispute with your classmates, you should tell your child not to involve equipment and remind the class teacher to be stricter. If the child runs away from home, he should also take preventive measures, or follow him quietly, or inform the property security not to let him go. He should not only be careful not to be impulsive, but also be careful not to be used by bad people.

Third, don't stimulate children's emotions. If you're worried that you can't convince them, and you can't get to the point, you can stop talking. You just need to look at him and accompany him with warm and understanding eyes.

Fourth, if possible, let parents or himself leave the scene of the conflict. For example, in his room, parents should quit in time. When people leave the original scene of emotional anger, they will appropriately reduce the emotional point of anger.

Fifth, don't rush to deal with contradictions. It's best to ask the detailed process of the matter first, and don't be preconceived. Listen to him carefully and patiently. What did the classmate say that would make him angry? Where is his sensitive point? How did he know there would be such an angry reaction? As a parent, we must first feel the child's emotions, fully understand him, and understand that his anger is not produced for no reason, and there must be a reason behind it, not losing his temper. Of course, don't interrupt his expression, he will also release some negative emotions in the process of narration.

Sixth, after he is emotionally stable, he should be properly analyzed and actively guided. Perhaps, he will also use his one-sided cognitive thinking and adult "theory". At this time, we don't need to emphasize his obedience. Parents can say, "from your point of view, this may be a good way for you to deal with this matter, but it is not your' profit maximization' method." You can think about it, and we'll talk about it another day. "

Seventh, parents should not rush for success, but have an expectation in their hearts. It takes a process to adjust and improve children's cognition. In this process, don't increase his ideological burden, don't let him have opposing cognition and emotions, and allow him to express different opinions, even if this opinion is obviously wrong. We need to be patient and careful enough to let our children live in a relatively relaxed and rational growth environment as much as possible.