How did Wilde's theorem come into being?

Interpersonal communication begins with listening and ends with answering.

British management scientist L Wilde suggested that interpersonal communication begins with listening and ends with answering. Later known as Wilder's theorem. Let's tell the story of a fisherman and a businessman.

A businessman on holiday at the seaside stood on the dock of a small fishing village and saw a boat carrying fishermen docked on the dock. There are some fresh-looking big fish on board. The merchant praised the fisherman for saying that his fish was big and fresh, and asked him how long it would take him to catch it.

The fisherman replied, "it won't take long, sir." I have only sailed for a few hours. "

The businessman said with a little confusion, "Obviously you are good at fishing. Why not catch a few more? "

The fisherman smiled. "Why should I do this? I need extra time to do something else. "

The businessman asked again, "What do you do with this extra time?"

The fisherman said, "I will do whatever I want." I play with my children, take a nap with my wife, and go to the village to drink and sing with my friends every night. My life is full and full. "

The businessman sneered, "Oh, you are really short-sighted." He threw out his business card: "I can help you. In my opinion, you should spend more time fishing every day and exchange the money you earn for a bigger boat. Before long, you can sell the big boat again, buy a few more boats, and finally you can start your own business. You must hire more fishermen. Of course, you don't have to worry about that. I happen to know someone who can help you recruit fishermen. "

At this time, the businessman took out a pen and paper and drew a chart. "In a few years," he continued, "instead of selling fish to middlemen, it is better to sell them directly to processing plants, and finally you can open your own cannery. In this way, you can control the production and sales of products. Of course, you must also leave this small fishing village and find a suitable place in the city center. You know, you must expand your market share. Maybe you will move to a bigger city, where you can completely control your success and expand your business. " The businessman spoke a little out of breath. He stopped for a while, waiting for the fisherman to thank him for his advice.

The fisherman thought for a moment and said, "Sir, how long will it take?" The businessman was busy taking notes on the computer and paper, and then replied, "Oh, about … fifteen to twenty years." "What happened next, sir?"

The businessman smiled and said, "Good question. I'll be happy to give you advice when the time is right. You can go public and clear the stock, and you will become very rich. You can earn millions or even tens of millions. " "Sir, millions of tens of millions?"

The fisherman rubbed his cheek and asked, "So, what's next?"

The businessman said, "Well, in the end, you can retire with a lot of money and choose a living environment that you and your family want. For example, you can move to your favorite fishing village. You can do anything you like. You can play with your children, sleep with your wife at noon, drink some wine and sing with friends in the village every night, and you can live a very happy and fulfilling life. "

The fisherman paused for a moment and said, "Thank you for your advice, sir, but if you don't mind, I think I'd better save these fifteen years and live my present life."

From this story, it is not difficult to find that the businessman only painted a blueprint for the future development of fishermen from his own point of view, but did not really listen to the voice of fishermen. Coupled with businessmen's rigid communication methods, it is not difficult to understand that communication is ineffective.

Let's look at the story of "Three Little Golden Statues" again, and maybe we can get another inspiration from it.

Once a small country came to China and paid tribute to three identical gold people, resplendent and magnificent, which delighted the emperor. However, this small country is not kind, and at the same time, a question arises: who is the most valuable of these three gold people? The emperor thought of many ways to ask the jeweler to check, weigh and watch the work, all of which were exactly the same. What shall we do? The messenger is still waiting for a return. A vast country, you don't even understand this little thing? Finally, an old minister who abdicated said that he had an idea.

The emperor invited the emissary to the main hall, and the old minister confidently took three straws and inserted them into the ear of the first gold man. The straw came out of the other ear. The straw of the second gold man fell out directly from his mouth, and the straw of the third gold man fell into his stomach without a sound. The old minister said: the third gold man is the most valuable! The messenger was silent and the answer was correct.

The most valuable person is not necessarily the most talkative person. God gave us two ears and one mouth, which was supposed to make us listen more and talk less. Being good at listening is the most basic quality of a mature person.

Listening is also skillful, and it is important to let the other person know that you are paying attention. There are 10 ways to improve your listening skills:

1. Eliminate external and internal interference

External and internal interference are the main factors that hinder listening. Therefore, the first way to improve listening skills is to eliminate interference as much as possible. We must pay full attention to each other's body, in order to master each other's body language, and understand what the other party said and didn't say, as well as the feelings and significance represented by the other party's words.

2. Encourage the other person to speak first

First of all, it is polite to listen to others. Being willing to listen shows that we are willing to consider other people's opinions objectively, which will make the speaker feel that we respect his opinions and help us to establish a harmonious relationship and accept each other. Secondly, encouraging the other person to speak first can reduce the competition in the conversation. Because the speaker doesn't have to worry about the pressure of competition, he can also concentrate on grasping the key points without being busy making excuses for his own contradictions. Thirdly, the other party puts forward their own opinions first, and you will have the opportunity to grasp the agreement between the two sides and then express your own opinions. Listening can make the other person more willing to accept your point of view, and it is easier to convince the other person when you speak again.

3. Use and observe body language

When we talk to people, even before we speak, our inner feelings have been clearly expressed through body language. If the listener is closed or indifferent, the speaker will naturally pay special attention to his every move, and even more reluctant to open his heart. On the other hand, if the listener is open and interested, it shows that he is willing to accept the other person and wants to know what the other person thinks, and the speaker will also be encouraged. These body languages include: smile naturally, don't cross your arms, don't put your hands on your face, lean forward slightly, keep looking at each other's eyes and nod your head.

4. Avoid interrupting others' conversation when it is unnecessary.

People who are good at talking with others will not interrupt each other just because they want to emphasize some minor details, correct some irrelevant parts of each other's words, suddenly change the subject, or finish a sentence that has just not been finished. Interrupting others' words often shows that we are not good at listening to others, are radical in character and have poor manners, and it is difficult to communicate with others.

Although it is impolite to interrupt others, it is an exception if it is a ping-pong effect.

The so-called ping-pong effect means that listeners have to ask a lot of pertinent questions or express some opinions and feelings in time to respond to each other's statements. There's one thing you missed, or you don't understand. When the other person's words come to an end temporarily, ask questions quickly.

Listen to keywords

The so-called keywords refer to words that describe specific facts. These words reveal some information, and also show each other's interests and emotions. Through keywords, we can see the topics that the other person likes and the degree of trust the speaker has in people.

In addition, finding out the key words in the other person's words can also help us decide how to respond to the other person's statement.

As long as we add the key points that the other person said to our own questions or feelings, the other person can feel that you are very interested in or care about what he said.

Step 6: reactive listening

Reactive listening refers to repeating what you have just heard, which is a very important communication skill. Our reaction can let the other party know that we have been listening to him and understanding what he said. But reactive listening is not like parroting, you say what the other person says, but you should briefly state the other person's key points in your own words. For example, "You said the house you live in is by the sea? I think the sunset there must be beautiful. " The main advantage of reactive listening is to make the other person feel important, grasp the other person's key points and keep the conversation uninterrupted.

7. Find out all kinds of hints

Many people are afraid to speak their true thoughts and feelings directly. They often use some narratives or questions and hints to express their inner views and feelings. However, this suggestive statement hinders communication, because if you meet a bad audience, the intention and content of their words will often be misunderstood, which may eventually lead to a slip of the tongue or a verbal conflict between the two sides. Therefore, once you encounter strong hints, you should encourage the speaker to speak more clearly.

8. Get to the point

It may be interesting to find out the key points and focus on them to discuss the details of the problem, but it is easier for us to understand the whole problem from the other side's point of view. As long as we stop paying attention to small details, we won't waste precious time or make wrong assumptions because we can't hear the main points or miss the main content of each other's words.

9. Review and summary

When we talk to people, we usually have a few seconds to review what they say and sort out the key points. Be sure to delete unimportant details, focus on the key points that the other party wants to say and the main ideas of the other party, and keep these key points and ideas in mind. Secretly reviewing and sorting out the key points can also help us continue to ask questions. If we can point out that some parts of the other party are only semi-finished or vague, the speaker will know that we have been listening to him and we are trying very hard to fully understand him. If we are not sure that the other person is more concerned about those key points or ideas, we can let him know that we are concerned about the conversation by asking questions.

10. Accept the speaker's point of view

If we can't accept the speaker's point of view, we may miss many opportunities and fail to establish a harmonious relationship with each other. Even if the speakers have different views and feelings about things from ours, they can still stick to their own views, conclusions and feelings. Respecting the speaker's point of view can let the other person know that we have been listening and we understand what he said. Although we don't necessarily agree with his views, we still respect his ideas. If we can't accept each other's views all the time, it will be difficult for us to accept each other and establish a harmonious relationship with each other. In addition, it can help the speaker to build up his self-confidence and make him more receptive to other people's different opinions.