Collect super paragraphs ~-~ (good can add points! )

1. The deadliest joke in history

One morning, I got up and felt particularly sad and painful, so I told a joke to my classmates.

Who knows that he rolled on the ground with a smile 108 laps, and he couldn't stand up anymore, so we had to take him to the hospital.

The doctor asked what was going on, so I told him the joke. He burst his alveoli and died.

The hospital charged me with murder. In court, the judge told me seriously that you must tell us honestly and seriously how all this happened.

What happened? Why did you murder that doctor? Do you know each other?

I said I didn't know him. I just told him a joke. The judge said sternly, this is a court. Stop joking! I said I didn't like it.

I'm kidding. The judge said I didn't believe it. Please tell us this joke. I said no, unless everyone present signed a certificate of life and death with me.

It's not my fault that I died laughing. The judge was angry and said, don't be ridiculous Are we children? ? I said I can't talk about it. The judge said that was good.

If we die laughing, it's absolutely none of your business, but just acquit you, right? I said, then you should write down everything just now.

Let's go The judge said yes, yes, damn it!

So I have to tell this joke again.

As a result, five people were killed and more than 20 injured on the spot.

The court acquitted me, but the family of the deceased refused to give up, and often found someone to assassinate me, leaving me nowhere to hide and even surfing the Internet.

Be very careful. Finally, I went to the seaside to live in seclusion, except sometimes surfing the internet or lying on the rocks by the sea.

In fact, there is only one sentence in this joke:

namely

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I believe in love.

2. A long time ago.

That was a long time ago.

Don't put the light bulb in your mouth.

In Britain, there is a warning on the wrapping paper of light bulbs-don't put that object in your mouth. It means don't put the light bulb in your mouth.

Who will import this thing? English people are all fools. ...

I tell you, nothing is absolute!

One day I was watching TV at home with an Indian friend, and I talked to him about it. He told me that their primary school textbooks also said that because the light bulb would get stuck after being imported, it could not be taken out under any circumstances. He's pretty sure that's what the book says. ...

But I doubt it. I think the surface of the light bulb is very slippery. If it can be imported, it proves that the mouth is big enough to let it in and out. Theoretically, it can also be taken out. But this Indian idiot said in the book ... and it must be correct. ...

I am annoyed at his ungrateful attitude. I said he was stupid, he said I couldn't speak English and didn't read books ... so we quarreled. ...

I came home in a rage, picked up an ordinary light bulb and lay in bed thinking about it. I always thought I was right, thinking about the ignorance of this Indian friend, and in the spirit of a scientist-make bold assumptions and carefully verify. I decided to prove it. Look at that. Of course, I also took safety measures ... and bought a vegetable oil to go home. If the card is stuck and released, I can't believe it won't slide out!

Everything is ready, without saying that it takes 1 second to put the light bulb in your mouth ... but it's very simple ... so it's no problem to take it out.

I wish this Indian idiot a look at the wisdom and courage of my people in China! Unlike you, a bookworm, I thought China would beat the Indians ... I smiled from the bottom of my heart ... haha!

So I easily pulled down the light bulb. ......................

All right! I will work harder. .....................

All right. I will open my mouth wider. .........................

No, I'll open my mouth as wide as possible and work harder (be careful not to break the light) ........................

It's really stuck inside. .........................

Fortunately, there is a vegetable oil. .........................

(30 minutes later) I poured 3/4 sticks of oil and half of it into my stomach, but the light bulb still didn't move. ........................

At this time, I had to call the police for help. ......................

Just in the middle of my reading, I remembered that there was a light bulb in my mouth. How can ................... talk?

Now I have to ask my neighbor for help. I wrote a note to find the old woman next door. As soon as she saw me, she shouted for help. ....................

I immediately showed her my note: Please call a taxi for me and tell the driver to take me to the hospital. Please call a taxi for me and tell the driver to take me to the hospital. )

She watched it for about 1.75 minutes and then laughed loudly. ..........................

15 minutes later, the taxi came. The driver smiled when he saw me.

He kept asking me why I did it in the taxi ... (... how should I answer him? ) I always said my mouth was too small. If it is his mouth, there will be no problem. ...

I saw his mouth is really big ... but I really want to tell him not to try anyway ... but I can't open it!

I looked at his rearview mirror. There seems to be a goldfish in my mouth. ...

In the hospital, I was scolded by the nurses for more than ten minutes, saying that I wasted their time. I was asked to wait in line for a long time ... I stayed in the crowd for 2.5 hours ... 2.5 hours. ...

Those people who were in great pain seemed to have no pain when they saw me ... everyone secretly laughed. ..

I feel that I still have some role. ...

The doctor put cotton on both sides of my mouth, then broke the light bulb ... took it out one by one ... my mouth was swollen ... Finally, he told me not to try again and told others about my experience. ...

I told him I wouldn't.

When I left the hospital, I was thinking that there must be no stupid creature like me on this earth.

When I opened the door, a man came face to face. That was a taxi driver.

...........................

...........................

He has a light bulb in his mouth.

★ On a hot summer day, two bananas are walking. ..

One walks in front and the other walks behind. ....

Walking. walking. ...

The banana in front said "It's so hot ~" and took off her clothes. .....

Is it cold? Hahahaha, I think it's the most interesting ~ ~ ~

A super disgusting joke is enough, right?

vomit

Eldest brother and second child fly, and second child gets airsick and keeps vomiting. A bag is full, so the boss has to get it.

When he came back, he found that the whole plane was vomiting. The boss asked why, and the second said, "I saw it.

This bag was full, too, so we had to drink half a bag and threw up. "

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beg

On this day, the hotel owner is patrolling the hall. A beggar came forward and said, "Can the boss give me a toothpick?" "

The boss gave him one and sent it away. After a while, another beggar came and asked for a toothpick. The boss thinks that now this

Why do beggars want toothpicks instead of rice? I also gave him one to send away, not too old, and another beggar came.

The boss said to him, "Are you here to get a toothpick, too?" The beggar said, "Someone threw up and I came late.

The first two beggars ate everything they could, and now there is only soup left. Can you give me a straw? "

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Ruminate

Some people like the dish "spicy vermicelli pot" very much. Once, he went to a restaurant and ordered this dish again.

But the waiter told him that the dish was sold out. "Is it really sold out?" He was disappointed.

Ask. "Sir, really sold out. You see, the last one was sold to the gentleman at that table. " The waiter is back.

Answer. According to the waiter's instructions, the man saw a very decent gentleman sitting next to him. Gentleman meal

The food has been eaten almost, but the "spicy vermicelli pot" is still full. This person wants to

The gentleman wasted delicious food, so he went to the gentleman and pointed to the "spicy vermicelli pot", which was very delicious.

Ask politely, "Do you want more, sir?" The gentleman shook his head gracefully. So the man stood up.

Sit down, pick up the spoon and wolf it down.

After a while, he swallowed half of it and suddenly found a very small one lying at the bottom of the casserole.

A little mouse with long hair all over it. A burst of nausea, the man threw up all the fans who ate it.

Back to the casserole. When he had a stomachache, the gentleman looked at him sympathetically and said:

"It's disgusting, isn't it? I was like this ... "

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Chocolate

A man and a friend went to visit his grandmother.

While he was talking to his grandmother, his friend began to eat at the coffee table.

Put peanuts in and eat them all.

When they left, his friend said to grandma:

"Thank you for the peanuts."

Grandma responded, "Oh! Hmm! Alas!

Because all my teeth have fallen out, I can only suck out the chocolate. Old, cough. . . .

-

Drink phlegm

Eldest brother and second brother went to the theater to see the play. On the way, they saw that they were arguing about the development of the plot, so they made a bet.

The boss pointed to a row of spittoons in front of him and said, "The loser should take a sip of what's there."

Unfortunately, the boss lost and took a sip with a frown.

The two went on to bet on the next plot. This time, the second child lost.

I saw the second child pick up the spittoon and swallow fifteen mouthfuls in one gulp.

Surprised and envious, the boss said to the second child, "You are so amazing that you can even drink fifteen mouthfuls!" " "

The second one shook his head. "I don't want to drink. The sputum in that spittoon is too thick. I really can't stop biting! " "

-

I have principles.

In the cold winter, two beggars wandered in the street.

"I'm so hungry, I feel like I can eat a cow now!" Beggar a said.

"Me too. I'm starving. If the pole in front of us can eat, I can definitely eat from the root to the top. " Beggar b is not to be outdone.

They passed a pub, and I don't know who was drunk in the pub. Maybe the wind cooled the stomach and left vomit in front of the pub. Two beggars stared blankly at the vomit.

"To tell you the truth, I really want to eat this vomit." Beggar A just said.

"I'm hungry too, but that's someone else's vomit. It's disgusting. " Beggar b is a little embarrassed.

"I don't care, do you eat or not?" , a beggar asked.

"It's disgusting. If you don't eat, you will be a beggar! " Beggar b is righteous and upright.

"Can I eat alone? ! "After that, Beggar A leaned down and began to eat vomit.

After a while, beggar A finished eating, and the two continued to stroll forward.

It may be the winter. The vomit is too cold. Beggar A's stomach seemed a little overwhelmed, but he still held back, but it was vomit after all. Beggar a can't help feeling sick at the thought. Beggar B is even more hungry and has some regrets.

After a while, beggar A couldn't help it. "Wow ... wow ..." Beggar A also vomited.

At this time, Beggar B quickly leaned down and began to eat Beggar A's vomit.

"Hey, hey, aren't you sick? Why do you also eat vomit? " Beggar a asked puzzled.

"Idiot, I have principles. I only eat spicy food. Besides, isn't this stall more than that just now? " ,

Beggar b said without looking up.

-

rolled oats

When I got up in the morning, my brother saw a bottle on the table with "cereal" in it, so he ate it for breakfast. At this time, my brother came back from morning exercise, washed and combed, sat at the table for pedicure, and suddenly asked my brother, have you seen the bottle I put on the table, and where is the foot I saved? ...

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You are very lucky.

When I was shopping, I suddenly felt a stomachache, so I went into the hot pot restaurant on the corner 199. I want to borrow a toilet, but I can't find it on the first floor. So I went to the second floor and was still decorating. Nothing, but I found a toilet door, which said "Trouble to be repaired, please don't use it". I really can't help it. I didn't care anyway. !

After that, I went downstairs and found no one. Strangely, the downstairs was already full of people at dinner time. Why did people go to that building at once? Even the waiters and receptionists are gone. ...

So I approached the bar and asked, "Is anyone there? Why is there no one? 」

At this moment, I saw a waiter coming out from under the bar.

He said, "Damn it! ..... weren't you there when shit fell from the ceiling and hit the electric fan just now?

You are very lucky. .....

A potholed man was crossing the road, but he was accidentally run over by a truck. When he died, he looked at his body and said, "I stuffed the bean paste, not the meat."

One day, the little penguin asked his grandmother, "Grandma, am I a penguin?" "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asks his father again, "Dad, Dad, am I a penguin?" "Yes, you are a penguin. What's wrong? " "But, but why do I feel so cold?"

A polar bear stayed in a daze on the ice, and when he was really bored, he began to pluck his own hair. A ..........................................

One day, Face A and Face B met for a trip.

Suddenly a gust of wind blew.

Noodles A fell into the sea.

Noodles b laughed at noodles a.

Wow, hahahaha ~ noodle soup

Why put two spoonfuls of salt on the basketball board? (Because a salt is hard to get in)

A meat steamed stuffed bun is walking on the road. When he is hungry, he eats himself.

Xiao Bai looks like his brother. Do you know why?

Because: it's really like Dabai.

Ducks and crabs run to the finish line together, so it is difficult to tell the winner. The referee said, a pair of scissors, stone and cloth! Duck Anger: Shit, set me up? When it comes out, it's cloth. He always scissors!

A polar bear stayed in a daze on the ice, and when he was really bored, he began to pluck his own hair. A ..........................................

Do you know what color Spider-Man is?

Red, wrong!

It is white.

Look at Spider-Man's English: Spider-Man (a white man)

Excuse me, what is the most common sentence in the world?

Think about it.

Can't figure it out?

Let me tell you something.

Is: I don't know!

An egg went to a teahouse to drink tea and turned into a tea egg.

There is an apple.

Walking on the road.

suddenly

He found himself moldy.

one day ...

Xiaoming is walking on the road. ...

And I tripped over a stone! ! ! ! ! !

haha

There was a man named Locomotive. The next day, he was rode away.

There was a man who looked like a sweet potato and fell down while walking.

There is a man who looks like an onion, crying as he walks.

Once upon a time, there was a man named Cai Xiao.

result ...

He was taken away!

One day, a big grape and a small grape were walking on the road. The big grape suddenly said to the small grape, can I crush you? Small grapes say: good! As a result, the small grapes were crushed to death.

One day, there was a fudge walking in the street for a long time. He said, ah, my legs are so soft. ........

One day Mung Bean committed suicide and jumped off the fifth floor. There's a lot of blood. Turned into red beans. It keeps purring. Turned into soybeans. The wound is scarred. Finally turned into black beans.

On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road.

The banana walking in front suddenly felt so hot. He said it was too hot. I want to take off my clothes.

As a result, he skinned it.

As a result, the banana in the back fell down.

One day, zero and eight were walking on the road. They met head on. 08 said he was fat and tied his waist.

There was a monk who liked to drink, but he was afraid of being discovered, so he secretly hid under the bed. One day, he came and found that all the wine was gone, so he called three disciples. But he loves discipline and can't directly ask them who stole his wine, so he asked three disciples: the good wine is gone (long time no see), the first disciple said, "I didn't steal it" (Amitabha), and the second disciple said.

-

When I am happy/(_) \;

When I am angry/(@ _ @) \;

When I am sad/(t _ t) \;

When I am confused/(* _ *) \;

Hehe ~ ~

A fool is ~ ~ but it's true! !

What do you want to do on Christmas Eve? Want to get rich? Want to get lucky? Want to be an official? Want to become famous overnight? Want to stay young forever? Do you want people all over the world to be crazy about you? -Stop dreaming, wash your feet and sleep!

On this beautiful Christmas Eve, the Lord said that one of my wishes could come true. I took out my globe and said, I want world peace! The Lord said it was too difficult! I took out your photo and said, make this person beautiful! God sweated and said, "Bring me the globe and let me have a look!"

On Christmas Eve, it was raining, wet and wet ... You just stared at the cold window and continued to observe. I came up to you and said softly, "Wang Cai, go in. Santa won't send bones."

Did you have a good time on Christmas Eve? To tell you, I have changed my job, and now I work in a bank, not far from you. Come to me when you have time, call my name at the bank, and I'll know. Yes, I changed my name. That's too vulgar! ! My name is Qiang Jie now.

On behalf of the Central Committee, the State Council, the National People's Congress, the Central Military Commission and the offices of Hong Kong, Macao and Taiwan in the State Council, I would like to lodge the strongest protest to you: Why didn't Taiwan Province Province remain on the map of China after you wet the bed on Christmas Eve?

Your happiness, I will build; I will make up for your confusion; I will satisfy your greed; I will give in to your willfulness; I'm the only one who cares about you. I am a professional pig farmer.

Dude, you're going to invite me to dinner on Christmas Eve. If you don't meet my requirements, I'll write your mobile phone number on the wall and add two words in front of it-apply for a certificate.

I'm really scared to hear that you have been trafficked. Although you grew up with dementia, it is harmless to society. Who is so bold as to dare to sell you? I'm worried about him. It's strange to sell it!

Doing bad things is called bad guys, empty heads are called idiots, being fired is called fuck off, and swearing is called assholes. Alas, it's over. Those who can't chew the bones eat black-bone chicken and white eggs, and see a message of Merry Christmas!

Bird flu didn't scare you, and chicken plague didn't kill your spirit of working hard for the continuation of your family. When you walk into the delivery room again, I silently bless you: Happy egg laying!

Wanted order: An old man with a white beard and a red robe often sneaks into residents' homes at night and puts things that make people happy and deadly. Anyone who finds it should call the police immediately. The alarm code is Merry Christmas! You will get lifelong happiness in return.

Snowflakes are bookmarks for my good memories. Dancing under the colorful Christmas tree in the moonlight is my lovely dream. On this special day, let me wish you a Merry Christmas with my sincere greetings!

From the South Pole to the North Pole, I sincerely wish you! Santa Claus from the North Pole specially invited the longevity of the Antarctic fairy to wish you and your family happiness, smile at life, live a long and prosperous life and receive more gifts!

I want to let the sunshine warm you, decorate you with starlight, intoxicate you with wine, satisfy you with food, shine on you with fireworks, and drown you with happiness, but I haven't been a god for a long time, so I can only wish you a merry Christmas by SMS!

Santa Claus is too fat for elk to hold! You can't ride the sleigh! So I volunteered to distribute my blessings instead of him. I wish my friends all the best! Merry Christmas! _ Send you full blessings!

For the comfort and pleasure of your Christmas trip, please send me a text message to inform you of your height and weight-I made a wish to Santa Claus that you should be my Christmas present, but his old man asked me to prepare a sock of the right size first!

A little love is worth a thousand taels of gold, a little warmth can offset the frost in Wan Li, a greeting brings warmth and sweetness, and a short message brings all my thoughts: Merry Christmas! Happy every day!

When the "old" people arrive at Christmas, their "friends" are supreme. Cherish the love of "friends", smile "wish" peace, welcome "you", meet "saints" on Christmas Eve, live happily, act quickly and get together.

Snowflakes are fluttering and cool. On Christmas Eve, I sighed softly at the candle. Happy smile, like bright light. Deep tenderness, such as bright stars. I wish you peace. Love waves, Christmas.

With the coming of Christmas Eve, I thought of my friends far away. May the bright and festive Christmas candle warm you every day and night of the year, just like my smile always fills your heart! Merry Christmas!

Snowflakes are floating in the sky outside the window, and hymns in the church are flowing in the crowd. I am praying: May the candlelight on Christmas Eve open your heart and make your life more brilliant!

I want to send you an apple that is half green and half red on Christmas Eve. The green one represents me and your past, a little green. The red half represents my happiness and sweetness for you now and in the future ... Merry Christmas to you!

The sea is calm, and the moonlight reflects the sea very romantically. I threw the glass bottle full of blessings into the bay with the bell, and the bottle floated with the tide. If you receive this letter in the bottle, it is the person I care about most. Merry Christmas!

The green Christmas tree is full of my thoughts about you, the long Christmas socks are full of my love for you, the beautiful Christmas candles light up my blessings to you, and the lovely Santa Claus brings you my greetings. Merry Christmas!

Colorful snow fell in the dark sky, and the cold forgot the yearning for moonlight. The pines and cypresses are wrapped in silver, and the breeze blows down a little miss, so that the calm night brings me my deep blessing: Christmas is safe and happy!

It's Christmas Eve again, * * * for several years; Passionate love is still there, followed by deep affection; In fact, plain is true. Then, let's always keep our love in our hearts … Merry Christmas and a happy life!

Snowflakes flying all over the sky, with frozen fingerprints in my heart, quietly fly to you in the depths of my thoughts. In this quiet moment, let's hold hands and fly happily in the Christmas bell. ...

If you look up at the night sky tonight and there is a star twinkling, it is to wish you a safe life; There are thousands of stars shining, that is to wish you happiness forever; If there are no stars, it is too many blessings to make all the stars pale.

If you can shine sunshine, whose heart do you want to warm? If you can blow the spring breeze, whose smile do you want to stretch? Who do you miss on this Christmas Eve? No matter how things change, I wish you every success. Merry Christmas