Loneliness and unruliness

Lu wrote to K_R

Loneliness and arrogance

Part1

"Perhaps it is only a matter of time before I get involved in this circle."

p>

I once joked that I was as conservative as a remnant of the feudal society. I had my first kiss at the age of 22, and it was because of this that I really entered this circle. It was different from before. The interactions during this period of time made me understand this circle and its surroundings. I have thought more about the relationship there, maybe because of work reasons, which allow me to always maintain rational vigilance and instinctive distrust of things around me

As I said before, he is only better than me After six days together, the gap was not very obvious, so when the novelty wore off, I instinctively wrapped myself up and began to have reservations and test him.

When I started to open up social circles, I became more and more I felt that this was just a role play, and he and I were no exception, so my preconceived notions made me once again put myself in the position of an interpersonal player

Do you have feelings? Yes, I am playing my role emotionally, that’s all

I once thought that I accidentally fell into the circle because I wanted to take revenge on the scumbag. In fact, it’s not the case. I am a person with passion. I am a person with a deep sense of loneliness and uneasiness. This kind of emotion always makes me come into contact with this. Maybe it is inevitable to join the circle. It is either pressure or loneliness.

Part2

"Borrowing flowers to offer to Buddha, There is a lingering fragrance in the hands. There are all living things, but no living beings."

When he was having an emotional breakdown due to work, I was also at work.

I had no time to read dozens of messages from him. After just glancing at this message, I felt that he was exactly the same as me before.

Maybe working is a stable choice, but we all want to take a gamble. The risks and pressures of starting a business are for those who only have For those of us who are 22 years old, it’s as heavy as a joke

Are you tired? Even if you are tired, you have to continue. Can you carry it? Even if you can’t carry it, you have to carry it

When I finished reading his messages one by one, I only captured one message from the long paragraphs of text:

I'm tired and I need you.

Actually, I don’t have to worry about him. Firstly, I’ve known him not long ago, and secondly, I thought at the time that this was just a game and my role was to be killed. So in my script, there was no need to worry about him. Too many

"I'll go and stay with you."

"No, I'll just take a nap"

"You want me to stay with you?" You?"

"To be honest, I really want to"

"Then stop talking nonsense and pick me up at the station tomorrow"

That's it, I I bought a ticket and went to see him again

Is it just for him? No, I also want to find someone to accompany me. I have many friends around me, but my heart is still empty. One is to change my mood, and the other is to go see him by the way, which can not only promote the relationship, but also give him a favor.

Anyway, I don’t lack the money for travel expenses and fun. My original intention is just to give myself a reason to relax.

Look, I am a reality I will not do any hypocritical or worthless actions, not to my work, to my collaborators, to my friends, including him, even in the beginning

So, I deserve to be lonely , I deserve to be chic, and I also deserve to be empty inside. The price of wealth is to have a rational and disgusting thinking

Part3

"If you like weirdos, then I am shocked. ”

His mental state is much better than I expected. When he talked to me about the studio, he didn’t have the problem of confusion. He said while I was eating the breakfast he brought me. Tell me a few questions about the questions I heard, and just go back and forth like this. Our conversations are all related to work and industry prospects, and we are more like partners

I consider myself a boring person. It wasn't until I got to know him that I realized I was losing.

In his territory, I was the one who led him to play. I could do anything but not recognize the road. He doesn’t even know about Internet celebrity milk tea shops and snack shops. He has to admire him. In terms of workaholics, you are more crazy

He can remember a lot of what I said. This kind of detail still makes me happy. Yes, because he didn’t have to do this, but he did it. This is also a performance that goes beyond the scope of the script

I don’t want to prove that I am special, because it is easy to lose, and I don’t want to lose, so I was awkwardly proud.

Every time I meet him, it means that his financial crisis will become more serious, but he still tries his best to make me happy

When he eats something that I can’t eat, when he mentions When he peeled shrimps for me carefully and carefully, when he put me in the shopping cart and pushed me around the supermarket, when he tied the balloon he bought to my wrist, when he patted me intentionally or unintentionally, In the photo, when he said helplessly that cats eat more than you, when he fed me the washed fruit

It turns out that there is no need to prove it.

"Actually, I read the article you wrote"

"Ah"

"I didn't think you were special at first, I just thought you were cute. Xin, I would like to remind you out of good intentions. Later I found that you also have a very clear positioning of yourself. You are better than me in many aspects. I will not slack off when I get along with you, because you also have something that attracts me. Otherwise I won’t do this to you. It’s not just limited to the circle. I really want to cherish the relationship with you.”

Look, it’s only six days apart, and the way of thinking is also very sophisticated< /p>

“Actually, I’m quite weird.”

“It doesn’t matter, I’m quite weird too.”

Okay, you win

Part4

"You are an adult, but you can be a child at any time."

What is the meaning of growing up? Is it maturity and tact, or accident and reality? Are you able to navigate various interpersonal relationships or adapt to social rules?

Maybe

or maybe

At a certain moment, in front of someone, you can be a child with peace of mind

I grew up as someone else's child, and when I grew up, I became someone else's adult. I have always been a benchmark, and have never been corrected in my course or behavior. I am proud and lonely, repeating a life as dull as boiled water, when he It is a very novel feeling for me to ask questions with a frown

Outside, boys who want to please me offer me cigarettes. At home, my parents think that I am stressed. It’s okay to smoke less. They all have their own reasons. But in fact, I smoked because I was stressed at the beginning, and then it became a habit. Maybe I’m addicted.

Smoking does not make me smoke. What kind of pleasure does it bring to me? At best, it’s just to find a sense of existence for myself because of my loneliness.

If he entered the role because of this from the beginning, I would at most cooperate with him to complete the admonition drama, but he No, he followed this clue from my behavior bit by bit, and let me release my emotions bit by bit. Finally, I burst into tears in his arms, with snot and tears. An embarrassment that I have never seen before

Everyone thinks that I am strong and an adult who takes care of myself, but he knows how hard it is for me to be an adult.

Part5

"I may not be a lover, but after meeting you, I can be.

”

After coming out of his arms, the first thing I did was to wipe away my tears. I didn’t want to let my emotions get out of control for too long, but he always made me inexplicably release the emotions that I had suppressed for a long time.

This is a very dangerous sign for me, because the natural expression of emotions makes me feel unsafe

"You go take a shower and then we talk"

Can I just go to bed?

When I came out, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, patting his legs. This was a more dangerous signal to me, because I really can’t take a beating

I didn’t mean it either. It made him angry, but when he was really angry, I started to want to run away again, especially when he spoke louder and louder, my heart started to beat faster

"Get back here"

< p>His tone was not exciting. On the contrary, it was calmer than when I was lying on his lap and he was preaching, but it made me feel more stressed.

"Can I lie back down later?"

p>

He just mentioned that the slaps he slapped through his pajamas in excitement still hurt a little, and he really didn’t want to lie down now

“Do we still have to count?”

Back No need

He wasn't in a hurry to hit me, but I was very embarrassed when I was lying on my stomach. I was also afraid that he would slap me unexpectedly, so I was always nervous

This is what I really meant. Whether it is discipline or admonishment, this is a serious process. His serious attitude makes me not think it is a game.

But it hurts, it really hurts, and his severity is also true. Strict, straight to the point, useless in coquettishness, rock-hard, bastard

When the slap falls on the flesh, it hurts me, and so does he. The slap falls on the flesh of the inner thigh, and I am more serious than him. It hurts so much that I want to roll off the pillow, but he holds me down

"I hurt"

"If you stretch your hand over again, even if it reaches 149 times, give it to me again." Count”

Why is this man so fierce, but I really didn’t dare to stretch my hand back

I stood up and he put his arm around my waist, hugged me and whipped me. I couldn't hold it back and kept moving. He held me down with his whole body and slapped me with a series of slaps. I couldn't bear it and knelt directly on the bed.

"Kneel straight if you want to."

I knelt upright on the bed, and he sat across from me and talked to me a lot, from the bottom of his heart, about his thoughts, his feelings, and his attitude

Looking at him face, listening to his words, I suddenly had the urge to follow him. He may not be good enough, but he is enough for me to want to pay attention to him.

I have never knelt before anyone. I once thought that kneeling was an insulting action. I resented the kind of superior master who would put up an air and let the person kneel down to reflect, but he didn’t, from the beginning to the end. In the end, it never happened

I don't adapt to the unspoken rules in the circle, but fortunately he can step on my needs without following the routine.

I don’t care about my attributes in the circle. It doesn’t matter. When I meet you, my attributes gradually become clearer, but it won’t work for another person.

The preaching lasted for 20 minutes. I knelt for 20 minutes and was shaking all over. I really couldn’t kneel anymore, even on a soft bed.

"Get up, there are still 80 spankings left. If you don't spank, you owe it to me."

"Didn't you say that all the spankings are over?"

"No matter how hard I hit today, it's just a matter of time." If you use a slap, it will hurt me. I said I have finished it, but even if I use a slap, I can’t bear to do it.”

My butt hurt for two days during that practice, and my knees were also bruised. , he came to the conclusion from this: I really can’t bear the beating, the one with thin skin and tender meat

Part6

"Not all fish live in the same sea, then we don’t want to Now that we are fishes, let’s go to the lake and be crabs together.”

I thought we would quarrel, but I didn’t expect it to happen so quickly

It was an ordinary disagreement. , preconceptions of the ordinary, forget about the ordinary and go to bed early

I don’t think I am a vulgar person, I am just born as a human being and cannot be exempted from the vulgarity.

The first time I was willful, the first quarrel, and the first cold war

In fact, it was not a cold war, that is, the topic stopped abruptly, and the two of them had a tacit understanding. Reply again

I am not worried that we will no longer contact each other, I am just caught up in my own emotions

Children only argue and get angry, while adults stifle each other to death.

I didn’t want to choke myself to death, so I sent him one message after another. It had been three hours since I last spoke

He gave me a document directly, and then I was stunned for a moment at his helpless explanation, and then smiled. He and I were only six days apart. We had similar experiences and ways of dealing with things, so I immediately understood his awkward subtext

I don't value you, I'm afraid of losing you, you are needed.

"I'm afraid that I just touched myself, so I never dare to write"

"Idiot, you will never be touched by yourself. They don't understand you, I understand"

p>

It took exactly three hours from the time he started writing to the time he finished writing

I understand his words, I understand his persistence, and I also understand his emotions. It all happened so naturally. Things

Unless I want to, I will not warm anyone, tender ruthlessness, polite malice, shrewd confusion, but for you, I just want to admit and follow, the moon will not come to you, But I will.

If one day we are separated, then this circle and I will also be separated. I can only accept your admonishment and tolerance. The high degree of similarity between us gives us a high degree of understanding. Tolerance is rare

The last digression

"It's my first time as a child and I have no experience. Is this the right time to go to bed in kindergarten?" 』

I am not angry, and you have not lost me. I follow you, and I am only willing to follow you

Good night, my idiot brother

K_R wrote to Deer

Can you hear the falling flowers?

I rarely write words to express my feelings, because I feel that the things written by people like me are like old antiques that have been gathering dust for a long time. It is difficult to read, and the writing style is difficult to read. Poor and full of "principles", they can only move themselves but not anyone else. They are like a pool of stagnant water that has lasted for thousands of years. One glance is the limit.

"We are two fishes, raised in, "In two fish tanks"

I'm sorry, my words hurt you. I didn't mean to show off your feelings. It was what I said to you that made you sad. I can't deny that I was wrong.

But I have never regarded you as something to show off. What I mean is that in this circle, I met you in circles. You are the best girl I have ever met in my life. I want others to know that people like me can also meet girls who understand me, and they can also meet outstanding people like you. My monochromatic life can also have a touch of rose-red embellishment

But my inappropriate language made you think that I was showing off your feelings. Maybe you will think that what I said is just a rhetorical excuse, but it is my sincere words, not false at all

We are two fishes, in each other's fish tank

< p>Before I met you, the people I came into contact with rarely got my attention, and at the same time, they didn't pay attention to me. You joke that you are so conservative that you look like a remnant of feudalism, then I am a real boring old man. My thoughts are not conservative, but my life is conservative, monotonous, like a long one-note tune, No ups and downs, plain and ordinary

You are the existence that I envy, and you are also standing out of my reach. I am six days older than you, but from any point of view, I am "younger" Actually, I feel very inferior about my current situation. I want to do what I want to do and pursue my dreams.

But reality gave me a hard punch and caught me off guard. The illusion of gentleness was suddenly torn away, revealing the ferocious claws.

My past is not a beautiful one, and although it is not unpleasant to watch, it is definitely not acceptable to most people. I will not go into details here to avoid affecting the readers’ emotions.

I almost climbed the stairs. I couldn’t get up, but in the end I stumbled up and walked forward

My past has more or less affected my present. When I was still living below the red line of food and clothing, relying on my family’s living expenses When I was still worrying about life, you already had your own house and car; when I was still living a "frugal" life time; you can pay for my day’s meal with a cup of milk tea

But I know that your life is what you deserve. You have the capital to live a comfortable life, and you are also qualified to Standing on a high place, watching me struggling below

I am a very capable person and can handle everything by myself. In interpersonal relationships, I rarely defend or quarrel because I feel that I am doing Useless struggles, excuses are used as excuses, and I will make myself cry when we quarrel. Just like this, many people leave me, but I am humble and accustomed to it

In life, I am simply He is just an old man. I took the high-speed train, took a taxi, and waited for the bus. I bought milk tea for more than ten yuan and a bottle of green tea for three yuan. I chose to get a bottle of mineral water, and so on. Why, because it is cheap, cost-effective, cost-effective, old man-like thoughts and Buddhist concepts, I chose these.

But with you, I would choose high-speed rail, taxi, milk tea, etc., not In order to pretend, I let myself be swollen and look fat. I just feel that when you are with me, I can’t let you feel wronged and “suffer” with me. That would be too unfair to you

Look, I Still so unsatisfied, so cowardly, as I write this, tears still fall on the back of my typing hands

No one really understands me, and no one cares about how tired I am. I just want to sleep without dreams, but they always say that I think too much. Everyone tells me that I can just do things one by one, but they don’t know that before I finish When this happened, another thing happened one after another that caught me off guard. When many people knew about my past and current situation, they would admire my current state and say that I have a strong mentality. They all said that they would stay with me and would They comforted me and gave me a hand when I collapsed. Faced with their kindness, I could only smile with gratitude. In fact, I knew that no one would accompany me, and no one could accompany me

< p>How much I want to be hugged and say "you rest" when I need it, there is no one; how much I want to hold someone who can cry loudly, and cry out all my grievances and pressure, there is no one; I can only close the door by myself in the middle of the night, curl up with myself, and cry all by myself. I am not even qualified to cry loudly, so I tell myself by myself, it doesn’t matter, everyone is very tired, let’s get some sleep. That’s fine, don’t cry, just let it go when you wake up tomorrow

Yes, I’m used to it when I’m alone

‘When we entered the same fish tank, we faced each other. There is a lot we want to say to each other, but our mouths turn into a bunch of bubbles."

I know that you, like me, face it alone, carry everything on your own, and are burdened with pressure and bad pasts. Because similar experiences have made me have a resonance with you. You said you are a boring person, and I said I am also a boring person. But when boring encounters boring, different sparks are created

< p>I am six days older than you, so in a sense, I can be considered your elder brother; I entered the circle earlier than you, so in a sense, I can be considered as your "senior"; I am the master and you are the bei, in a certain sense, we fit together< /p>

After I met you at the beginning and knew why you joined the circle, out of care, I told you a lot of things to note in the circle. You and I are both real people, and we approach each other with a certain purpose

But after I learned about your past and your experiences, I found that it was different. You are different from me before. Anyone is like giving me a close friend, or letting me grasp a straw. I don't want to treat you too much like a Bei, I think that would be insulting to you.

My previous relationship was like a role play, with each other playing different roles in different situations, using routine-like "teachings and games"

But you are different, I The only requirements for you are "safety", "health" and "protect your social relationships and distance", because in other aspects you have done very well and are highly self-disciplined, even far better than me. I can't do it. I am not qualified to let you do it. This is my principle

I don’t like to role-play with you, and the same goes for you, because when the novelty of each other wears off, we will slowly Faded, and finally disappeared into the sea of ??people

I don’t want to lose you like this, it will be a big loss in my life!

In addition to your thoughts, outlook on life, and attitude towards life, what moved me even more was that night. By coincidence, I collapsed that night without any warning. Even I was still doing the same thing as usual. When I was thinking about what I should do, I suddenly collapsed, but I chatted with you as usual

Maybe it was because of your work, but you caught me in my few words. Something was wrong, and told me that I would wait until you were done with your work. You would not be relieved until you heard my voice on the phone. You called me immediately after you were done with your work and wanted to come see me the next day. You know, I collapsed

That was the first time that someone noticed something was wrong without me taking the initiative to say it. I was very happy and touched, because finally someone could see the fragility behind my seeming strength. But I don't dare to let you come. I'm afraid that my gaffe will cause you trouble and make you, who is already busy, spend a day with me. I'm even more afraid that because I have no money, I will let you come and not be able to pay back. Your good experience and feelings. Finally, I agreed that you came. You showed up when I needed it and soothed my nerves

I said I am a sister-controller because the first girl I liked was older than me. So I became a sister-controller, but what is the real reason? Apart from the fact that I have been taking care of girls, I also want to be taken care of and seek comfort. When facing you who are only six days younger than me, I can take care of you, and at the same time I can escape for a while and treat myself as a child nestled in your arms. I feel that everything in this is so beautiful

During the time we were together with you, we did more than words. Similar experiences and current situations made us mature prematurely. As Capricorns, we don’t know how to express our thoughts in gorgeous words. Even if we are very realistic, we have speculated and rehearsed the state of losing each other in our hearts

So you are special, unique and unique.

"If you drink the cup of tea when it is hot, will you still leave?"

I am worried about you because I am afraid of losing you. You

I promised to spend Children's Day with you, and I came as promised. You said that the beginning of the month was very busy, so let's celebrate it in advance. In this way, we celebrated Children's Day three days in advance. I am very happy and joyful. Maybe for some reason, you went out for a day on June 1st, but on the way back, you were dealing with work matters. At 10:30, I asked you if you got home safely. You said you were on the way, so You didn’t reply to me again

That night, even though I was waiting anxiously, I didn’t dare to call you. I was afraid that my phone call would affect your normal driving and cause an accident, because every time you went out to call me At home, no matter how late it is, you will always say "I'm back" to me. I am also wondering if you are too busy processing customer information anymore, and I am afraid that the messages I sent will make you confused

A series of Waiting makes me more and more worried. Did you get into a traffic accident while driving on the road, or did you collapse and cry alone in the car for some reason?

I waited until twelve At 30:30, I finally couldn't bear it any longer. I anxiously sent you a message again. You said you were home safely, so I let go of my worries. That night, we talked a lot and talked a lot. I know that in your opinion, my worries and worries are just lip service and false words. After all, I am not worried enough to appear by your side right away

Because you have seen such things Too many, you said, no one has ever worried about you like this, I understand very well:

People like us can only hide our bellies like hedgehogs and expose our thorns. This is the only way. Only in this way can we minimize our own harm. If we don't expect anyone to care about us, we won't have that kind of disappointment.

It is precisely because I am such a person that I feel sorry for you even more. I try my best to make you happy, deliberately make a fool of myself, tell you stories, and imitate the voices of anime characters to tell you their classic lines to make you happy. Laughing makes you forget the negative energy and bad emotions in life and work. To comfort you, encourage you, and make you believe that everything you have done has proved your ability

I want you to know that you are being cared for and that you are needed.

"In addition to drinks, the vending machine also sells treasured memories"

I asked you, if you were going to lose someone or something in the end, what would you choose first? Don't want it?

You said that being an adult is too tiring, and the more you know, the more uncomfortable it becomes.

That may be true, but I believe that when we know more, we will definitely get out of it. That discomfort

You and I are both adults, but you also said that the happiest thing is that we can be children in front of each other. We are all on the way to growing up, but there is also one who can Isn't it a blessing to be a child again?

I don't want to lose you, at least, it's not because of my rude words tonight that makes you leave me heartbroken and sad. In that case, I will hate myself very much. Because this is equivalent to, I pushed you away myself, I didn’t want to do this

It’s my fault, I said it, will you forgive me?

My little friend, you and I both know that this world is not as full of laughter as we imagine. We are lonely most of the time, only by ourselves, and we are not that special, bright, special, nor do we have the wisdom that everyone is drunk and I am sober. We are just the most common smart among all living beings

, some people say you are scheming and hard-working, some people say you are lucky and optimistic, some people say you are fake, no matter what we do, we cannot make everyone accept it. You may not necessarily have many things when you grow up, but you may lose more. How lucky it is to meet someone who truly understands each other and can accompany us, but most people are not as lucky as us

The world is not as fair as we imagine. While alive, others can easily indulge their youth, go to nightclubs, get tattoos, get drunk, and travel around the world. The world is not as reasonable as you imagine. Being a sensible child will not give you love, but you will only suffer more grievances and incomprehension from others.

But this world is not as beautiful as imagined, but we can be beautiful, our eyes are always clear and clean, and our hearts are always soft and kind. Going to nightclubs, getting tattoos, smoking, and getting drunk. These things seem cool, but in fact they are not difficult at all. Anyone can do it. What is even cooler are the things that are not easy to do, such as studying, fitness, making money, and doing it with your heart. Love someone

Maybe we are lonely and helpless, and life is changing rapidly

But we will still find reasons to love life, be a happy and positive person, always kind, always soft, and always considerate. Full of hope

Even if we grow taller and strive to shoulder the burden of life, even if people in our lives come and go, even if we are polite and sensible, we no longer vent our emotions at will, and try to be a We look like adults, but only we know each other. We have not changed from the beginning to the end. Deep in our hearts, we are still each other’s children

Romain Rolland once said: "In the world There is only one kind of true heroism, that is, after recognizing the truth of life, you still love it"

Can you forgive me, my little friend

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