I want some jokes

1. Short jokes

1

There was a man who looked like an onion and cried when he walked.

2

Two people fell into a trap.

The dead are called dead people, but what are the living people called?

Answer: Call for help!

3

What are you afraid of with cloth and paper?

Build is afraid of ten thousand, paper is afraid of anything unexpected

4

There was a fat man who jumped from a tall building and turned into a dead fat man.

5

Teacher: How to reduce white pollution?

Student: Put the lunch box Made of blue.

6

One day, a buck ran faster and faster, and it turned into a high-speed buck.

7

Miss: It’s hard to do business now!

Boss: Why?

Miss: Bird flu.

8

Which is the worst, tiger skin, elephant skin, or lion skin?

Answer: Elephant skin. Because of the eraser (poor)

9

Question: What is that thing with three heads and one foot?

Answer: A monster with three heads and one foot!

10

Once upon a time, a marshmallow was very tiring

He said: I feel like my whole body has softened

11

One day the little yellow duck was hit by a car while crossing the road.

11

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Shouted: "Quack!" From then on it turned into a cucumber

12

Xiao Ming: Kang, the shark ate the mung bean, what did it turn into?

Akang: I don’t know.

Xiao Ming: Stupid. Mung bean paste (mung bean shark)

13

The elephant asked the camel: Why does your pussy grow on your back?

Camel: Stay away, I won’t talk to something with a penis on your face!

14

How to make a drink bigger?

Recite the Great Compassion Mantra.

2. Short jokes

1

Two shit shells Discussing the welfare lottery.

A said: If I win the jackpot, I will buy all the toilets within a radius of 50 miles and eat enough every day!

B said: You are too vulgar. Yes! If I win the jackpot, I will keep a living person and eat fresh food every day!

2

One day, my mother-in-law was riding in the car.

We were halfway there The mother-in-law didn’t know the road.

The mother-in-law spanked the driver with a stick and said: Where is this?

Driver: This is my butt.

3

Once upon a time, a man was fishing and caught a squid.

The squid begged him: Please let me go, don’t roast me to eat.

The man said : Okay, then let me ask you a few questions.

The squid was very happy and said: You take the test, you take the test!

Then the man grilled the squid.

4

A: What is that person doing?

B: He is shaking.

A: Why is he shaking?

B: He is cold.

A: Oh, it turns out that you will not be cold if you shiver.

5

A sausage quilt Locked in the refrigerator.

I felt very cold, then I looked at the other one next to me,

and said: Look how frozen you are, your whole body is covered with ice!

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The one said: Sorry, I am a popsicle.

6

There are two sausages in the refrigerator. It has been a long time.

One follow The sausage trembled, wow! It’s so cold!

The other sausage said in surprise, Huh? How can you talk if you are a sausage?

7

Xiao Ming had his hair cut. When he arrived at school the next day, his classmates saw his new hairstyle and laughed: Xiao Ming, your hair is shaped like a kite!

Xiao Ming Feeling aggrieved, he ran outside and cried. As he cried, he flew up.

8

One day, Xiaomei and her boyfriend went for a drive.

The car was almost out of gas, so she went to refuel.

Suddenly a gust of wind blew her boyfriend's hat away. .

Xiaomei’s boyfriend said to her: I’m going to pick up the hat, you help me.

As soon as her boyfriend ran away, he heard Xiaomei shouting behind him. : Come on! Come on!

9

One day a girl went to have her fortune told.

The fortune teller saw that she had a tattoo and said that your boyfriend is called Xiaoliang. Is that so?

The girl said with angry eyes: This is hate.

10

An orangutan passed by the woods and accidentally picked it. Gibbon's excrement.

The kind-hearted orangutan cleaned up the ape's excrement.

Soon they fell in love, and others asked how you got together?

The orangutan The answer was: It’s ape dung (fate)!

11

MM got lost looking for a university.

Meet a gentle professor.

MM: Excuse me, how can I get to xx University?

Professor: Only if you study hard can you do it.

12

Polar bears and penguins play together .

The penguin pulled out all the fur on his body. After pulling out,

he said to the polar bear: It’s so cold!

The polar bear listened. He plucked out all the hair on his body.

He turned to the penguin and said: It is really cold!

13

The ant went to the desert. Why didn't he stay? Footprints, leaving only a line?

Answer: Because it rides a bicycle!

The ant came home from the desert. He did not notify anyone, but his family knew that he was back. Why ?

Answer: I saw his bicycle parked downstairs.

14

The teacher played a piece of Beethoven’s music in music class

Xiao Ming asked Xiao Hua: Do you know music?

Xiao Hua: Yes

Xiao Ming: Do you know what the teacher is playing?

Xiaohua: Piano.

15

A pair of corns fell in love. So they decided to get married.

On the wedding day, corns couldn't find his wife.

The corn asked the popcorn next to him: Have you seen our corn?

Popcorn: My dear, she is wearing a wedding dress.

16

The little penguin asked his grandma one day: Grandma, grandma, am I a penguin?

"Yes, of course you are a penguin."

The little penguin asked his father again: Dad, daddy, am I a penguin?

"Yes, you are a penguin, what's wrong?"

"But, But why do I feel so cold?"

17

The director and the section chief *** took the elevator.

The director farted and said to the section chief : You farted!

The section chief said: I didn’t fart.

Soon the section chief was dismissed.

The director’s reason was: It was a big fart. You can't afford it, so what use are you?

18

A woman was trembling when she was met by a robber: I am from X school. I just graduated and haven't found a job. Really? No money.

After hearing this, the robber burst into tears,

"Sister, I am also from Don't worry, I will never steal one of my own!"

19

The host asked: Can cats climb trees?

The eagle answered: Yes

Moderator: Give an example

The eagle was in tears: That year, when I was asleep, the cat climbed up the tree. Then there were owls

20

There was a man who had a bad gastrointestinal condition. He came to the hospital to see a doctor.

He told the doctor: I eat whatever I eat, watermelon, cucumber, cucumber!

The doctor thought for a while and said to him: I think you can only eat shit!

21

What did the African cannibal chief eat?

Human

The chief was sick and the doctor told him to be vegetarian. Then What does he eat?

Vegetative.

3. Longer jokes (but very funny)

1

A blind beggar Wearing sunglasses and begging on the street.

A drunk man came over and felt sorry for him, so he threw a hundred yuan to him.

After walking for a while, the drunk man turned around , I saw the blind man trying to distinguish the authenticity of the hundred-yuan note.

The drunk man came over and took back the money and said: You fucking don’t want to live anymore, how dare you lie to me!

A blind beggar! With an aggrieved face, he said: Brother, I'm here to look after my friend. He is blind and went to the toilet. In fact, I am mute.

"Oh, that's it." So the drunkard threw down the money and shook his head again. Staggered away.

2

One day, the teacher took a group of children to the mountain to pick fruits.

She announced: Children, after picking fruits .We washed together and ate together after washing

All the children ran to pick fruits.

When the gathering time came, all the children gathered.

Teacher: Xiaohua, what did you pick?

Xiaohua: I am washing apples because I picked apples.

Teacher: Where are you, Xiaomei?

Xiao Mei: I am washing tomatoes. Because I picked tomatoes.

Teacher: Children are great! What about you, A Ming?

A Ming: I am washing tomatoes. Cloth shoes, because I stepped on poop.

3

The research team went to Antarctica to visit 100 penguins.

When I saw penguin 1, I asked, "Penguin, do you usually What do you do?

Penguin 1: Eat, sleep, play beans.

Seeing Penguin 2, he asked again: Penguin, what do you usually do?

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Penguin 2: Eat, sleep, play beans.

.......

Seeing Penguin 99, he asked again: Penguin, what do you usually do? What?

Penguin 99: Eat, sleep, play beans.

At the 100th penguin,

the inspector said: You usually eat too Play Doudou while sleeping?

Penguin 100 said: No, eat and sleep

The inspector said: Why don’t you play Doudou?

Penguin 100 said : Because, because, because I am Doudou,

4

Someone has just been abandoned by his girlfriend.

I happened to catch my ex-girlfriend flirting with her new love,

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The more I watched, the angrier I became, wanting to humiliate them.

So I greeted them politely,

and said to my girlfriend Xinhuan with disdain: Yo, I have used Don’t you dislike the second-hand goods?

Just when he was proud of his creativity,

his ex-girlfriend smiled and said: Every inch on the outside is old, but everything on the inside is brand new!

5

There is a penguin whose home is very far away from the polar bear’s home.

If we had to walk, it would take 20 years to get there.

One day, the penguin was very bored at home and was going to go find the polar bear to play.

Then he went out. But halfway down the road, he realized that he had forgotten to lock the door.

It has been 10 years, but the door still needs to be locked.

So Penguin walked home again to lock the door.

After locking the door, The penguin set out again to find the polar bear.

It took him 40 years to get to the polar bear's house.

Then the penguin knocked on the door and said: Polar bear, polar bear, the penguin is here to play with you!

After opening the door, the polar bear said to him: Let’s go to your house to play.

6

Conversation between two college students

A: You It’s from Xinjiang

B: YES

A: Wow. It’s so far away.

A: Has Xinjiang been liberated?

B: No, we all carry guns during class

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A: It turns out you can speak Chinese!

B: Well, I just learned it on the train when I came here.

A: Do you still eat raw meat?

B: Our boss invented flint wood to make fire, and we eat barbecue.

A: Next time I travel to Lhasa, I will stay at your house.

B: No problem, but my home is a little far from Lhasa.

A: How did you come to school?

B: Riding a donkey to Beijing and then taking a plane.

A: It must have taken a long time to arrive, right?

B: If you are used to it, just leave half a year in advance!

A: Why not ride a horse?

B: In Xinjiang, those who ride horses are only poor people. For example, the ones we passed the exam are all camels and donkeys. And there is no college entrance examination in Xinjiang. The exams are all archery competitions. Put up a sign one kilometer away and write "Tsinghua" next to it. Put "Beijing University" and a person will have three chances. The first time I shot Tsinghua University and the second time I shot Peking University, they both failed. In the end, just to be safe, I shot the nearest sign, which is this school.

A: Do you use RMB there?

B: No, I had never heard of this before I was admitted to college.

A: Then don’t you buy anything?

B: We go there carrying sheep on our backs because we fancy others, and the sheep are used as money!

A: It’s almost the Chinese New Year, is it allowed to set off firecrackers in Xinjiang?

B: Who is setting off firecrackers? We all throw grenades and lay landmines for fun! The movement is very festive.

7

The little white rabbit jumped to the bakery,

Ask: Boss, are there a hundred buns?

Boss: I'm sorry, there are not that many

"That's it." The little white rabbit walked away dejectedly.

The next day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery.

"Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

Boss: I'm sorry. , or not

"That's it." The little white rabbit walked away dejectedly again.

On the third day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery.

"Boss, do you have a hundred buns?"

The boss said happily: Yes, yes, there are a hundred buns today!

Little White Rabbit Take out the money: Great, I’ll buy two!

8

The hunter rode on horseback and took the hunting dogs to hunt.

I haven’t even spent a day wandering in the woods. Prey.

It was dark, but he was unwilling to keep riding in the forest.

The horse suddenly said: You don’t even let me rest, do you want to exhaust me to death?

The hunter was startled when he heard it, and immediately rolled off his horse.

Took the hunting dog and ran away. When he ran to a big tree to catch his breath,

The dog patted his chest and said to him: I was scared to death, the horse can actually talk!

The hunter was scared to death on the spot.

Shameless plagiarism.

The original poster doesn’t have enough. I still have some. You can add Q and I’ll pass it on to you.