Horrible joke

The scariest words of the underworld

The scariest words of the underworld

1, I'm fucking playing with you What do you want? I'm telling you, if you plant a flag in Wan Chai, I'll pull him out and throw him back.

2, pay hard, the dragon and the tiger compete. Rain or shine, wealth will come.

3. Go astray and be blind. Who does the pain in my heart tell?

4, for wealth, crazy pursuit. Killing in rivers and lakes is ugly.

I stayed in Chen Haonan for so long because of three things: being strong enough, being loyal and having many brothers! Don't you want to go out!

6.AE has AE's brother, Huaqiang has Huaqiang's friends, and my friends depend on me for food.

7. When money is used up, friendship can't be eaten. So others save money and I keep friendship. Nothing can save money more than Jinshan Haiyin. Friendship is like heaven and earth!

8. No amount of money is more than Jinshan Yinshan, and human feelings are like heaven and earth.

9. It's no use giving you a chance. Kneel down and yell at me, and I'll let your brother go.

10, people live on two things, courage and wisdom. I broke out with my hands and courage.

1 1, this is a fucking law of the jungle world. You are cruel, okay, I listen to you, but if you are not as cruel as me, then get out of my way. This is a fact.

12, others hit the south wall, they chose to turn back, and I, Liu Huaqiang, chose to tear down the wall!

13, heroes are not afraid of humble origins, and Guan Jian should have a good brain.

14, it takes ten pence to spend a penny. This is an expert in spending money.

15, people have a bottom line. Once someone crosses this line, you can do anything.

16, you beg me, maybe I will spare your family.

17, men get bad when they have money, and women get rich when they get bad.

18, in my world, I am the rule.

19, Jianghu Road is gambling. Once you place a bet, you can't decide.

20. Go the wrong way and don't look back. Brother's life,,,,

2 1, true brothers are not spoken with their mouths, but written with sweat and tears. Brothers are in trouble, we must try our best to help them!

22, born bitter, no one to take care of. In order to live, set foot on the rivers and lakes.

23. When people start to be afraid of terrible things, that is the beginning to overcome them.

24, people in the rivers and lakes, involuntarily. Although very rich, but also very helpless.

25. What are you afraid of? I am easy-going. Guys, throw him down.

Jokes about Chinese characters

A wrongly written or pronounced character.

A clerk wrote on the blackboard the words "It's on sale now".

A customer next to him said, "Comrade, you wrote' zero' in retail."

The salesman glared at the customer and said, "Come on, there is a vertical knife next to the word' no'!"

The sound is different from the word, but the meaning is far from it. Let's have fun together!

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A student loves to write typos and always writes rest as drinking.

In his diary, he wrote, "The squad leader instructed us to carry shit. Everyone worked hard and no one dared to take a sip." Later, we were really tired, so we secretly drank behind the monitor's back. "

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In a busy market, a fish seller shouted, "fresh fish!" " "At this moment, a bubble gum seller immediately shouted:" bubble gum! The fish seller said to the sugar seller, "hey, why did you say my fish was ruined?" "They are more noisy more fierce. Just then, a seller of bean sprouts shouted again: "bean sprouts!" " A security guard came up and asked, "Who else is quarreling with them?" It happened that an avocado seller shouted "avocado!" After listening to this, the security guard said, "Well, take the four of you with you. "

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One day, a rich man wanted to buy a car, but he hesitated because there was no Geely license plate number in the garage. The owner of the car dealership came over and said with a smile, "This license plate is good, 00544 (let me try), and no one dares to mess around, right?" !

The rich man was moved and bought the car at once, but something happened the next day. The rich man got off the bus angrily, thinking that you would dare to hit this car, but as soon as he got off the bus, he left in despair. The other party's original license plate is 44944 (just try it).

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examination performance

In the middle school class, the teacher of the course of socialist economic theory (hereinafter referred to as social economics) is angrily reading out the exam results: everyone failed in this exam. Obviously, you didn't spend your energy on social economics. In fact, social economics is a very simple course, and efforts will bear fruit. . . . . Look at the following results: Yang Wei failed in social economics. . . . .

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Learn English.

Xiaoming, who likes learning English, is looking for opportunities to speak English day and night.

On this day, he walked into a foreigner by accident. He said shyly, "I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry, too." The foreigner replied.

"I'm sorry for three." Xiao Ming answered at once.

"What are you sorry for? "Asked the foreigner.

"Sorry five ..." Xiao Ming said.

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Eat standing up

A foreign girl married to China. When eating breakfast, I was pointed out that I can't eat fried dough sticks: "Dip it."

She stood up at once and was told, "Take a dip!"

Confused, she said indignantly, "Let me eat standing up. I have stood up. Where should I stand? "

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Do what you see.

Once upon a time, there was a landlord who loved chickens. The tenant rented his field, but he had to be given a chicken first.

A tenant named Zhang San went to pay the rent to the landlord at the end of the year and rented it out the next year. When he went, he put a chicken in a bag, and after paying the rent, he told the landlord about renting the land for the next year. He insisted that his hands were empty, opened his eyes and said, "There are no three kinds of land." Zhang Sanming understood the meaning of this sentence and immediately took the chicken out of the bag.

As soon as the landlord saw the chicken, he immediately changed his tune and said, "If you don't give it to Zhang San, who will you give it to?"

Zhang San said, "Your words have changed so quickly!"

The landlord replied, "That sentence just now was' nonsense', and now it is said by accident."

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Ears are here.

The new magistrate is from Shandong. Because he wanted to hang up, he said to the master, "buy me two bamboo poles."

I found out that the "bamboo pole" with Shandong accent was "pig liver", so I quickly agreed and ran to the butcher's shop and said, "Master Xinxian wants to buy two pig livers. Be smart!"

The shopkeeper, a clever man, immediately cut off two pieces of pig liver and presented a pair of pig ears.

Out of the butcher's shop, the master thought, "My master told me to buy pig liver, and this pig ear is of course mine …" So he wrapped the hunting ear and stuffed it into his pocket. Go back to the county government and report to the magistrate: "Report back to Grandpa, I bought pig liver!" "

The magistrate was very angry when he saw that the master had bought pig liver, and said, "Where are your ears!" " Hearing this, the master turned pale with fear and quickly replied, "Ear … Ear … here … in my … pocket!" "

A joke about hilarious laughter.

A collection of jokes about making people laugh.

1 ""I want to check out "

"Why?"

The passenger said, "Because I saw that the rain outside the window had stopped, but it was still raining inside the room."

"

2. A female colleague asked me on SKYpE: Do you have buns?

I said, oh, no, but I have cookies here. Why don't you take them first?

Female colleague: Forget it, I'm not used to it.

I said: How to use bread? Pinch it. Do you want to eat it?

She said, do you understand that steamed buns are sanitary napkins?

I asked again: What about the biscuits?

She said: cookies are mats.

I was dizzy. I said, I was just about to have dinner with you with my 3+2. If you say that, I lose my appetite.

3. Mrs. Lauren, who doesn't know French but is proud, eats in a restaurant in Paris. She took the menu handed over by the waiter, pretended to read it for a while, and then proudly ordered the last few expensive dishes on the menu.

Half an hour passed and before the food was served, Mrs. Lauren called the boss angrily. Fortunately, the boss can speak English. He smiled and asked, madam, didn't the band just play these songs you ordered?

Mrs. Lauren suddenly became blindsided.

A duke ordered the cook to kill a white crane to entertain the guests.

After roasting the crane, the cook stole a leg and gave it to his friend.

When the roast crane was brought to the party, the duke asked, "Why is a leg missing?"

The cook replied that the crane has only one leg.

The next day, the duke and a group of entourage went for an outing, and the cook was among them.

When we reached a place, there happened to be a group of white cranes perched by the water, all standing on one leg. The cook said to the duke, look, my Lord, I told the truth yesterday, didn't I?

The duke didn't answer him, but shouted at the crane. The cranes were frightened and spread their legs and ran away.

The duke said to the cook, Look! You liar, how many legs do you think a crane has?

......

According to the medical journal, kissing is harmful to health.

You are right. I kissed the priest's daughter the night before yesterday, and he caught me and beat me up. I still can't stand up.

6. Judge: You still want to deny it. So many witnesses said that they saw you stealing melons in the field that night. Suspect: Your honor, you are wronged! It's all nonsense. There was no moonlight that night, and the fields were dark. Those people can't have seen me. Judge: If so, then they are talking nonsense.

7. A certain unit conducted a military exercise, and everything went as planned, but there was something wrong with the artillery and a shell was crooked. The troops immediately sent troops to investigate. This situation was found in a vegetable field. I saw a man lying beside a vegetable field and said, the police are really powerful now. I took two cabbages and shelled Egypt.

8. On the wall of a chemical plant in Italy, the words "No fireworks" were written. Ute walks here every day. His behavior attracted the attention of the factory guards.

Guard: You walk around the factory every day. Are there any bad companies?

Figure?

Ute: Oh! Absolutely not. I am here to quit smoking. My wife said to me,' Either you want a cigarette or you want me, choose one'. So I will come here every day to have a look and walk until I give up smoking.

9. At that time, there was a fool who put black beans in the car and went to Beijing to sell them.

When he reached the water, the car overturned and the black beans fell into the water, so the man went home and asked someone to fish for beans.

After leaving, people at the water's edge fished out all the black beans. When the man came back, there were only many tadpoles swimming in the river.

He thought it was black beans and wanted to fish in the water, but tadpoles ran away when they saw people. The man lamented for a long time and said, "Black beans! Don't recognize me, run when you see me. Maybe you'll grow a tail soon, lest I don't know you! " My college classmate is Korean, majoring in Japanese, and I can't finish every exam.

Because she always translates Japanese into Korean and writes it on paper, and then translates Korean into Japanese and writes it back on paper.

Sister, can't you answer directly in Japanese? !

10, the performance is going on in the theater. Mary stood up, squeezed out along the gap between the two rows of seats and walked into the lounge. 10 minutes later, when she came back, she bowed her head and said to the first audience sitting in this row, hey, did I just step on your foot?

Yes, that's all right. It doesn't hurt anymore.

No, that's not what I meant. I just want to make sure that I am sitting in this row.

1 1. After the passion, the man gently stroked the cheek of the woman nestled in his arms and asked: Can you tell me frankly that I am your first man?

The woman stroked the man's strong chest with her hand and gently replied, of course it's you! Why do you ask? It's just that I really don't understand why you men all like to ask the same stupid question.

12. Two Scottish immigrants who arrived in new york stayed at the hotel for the night. They were annoyed by mosquitoes all night. One of them said, Sandy, cover your head with a quilt so that mosquitoes can't bite us.

After a while, he put his head out to breathe fresh air. Then he saw a firefly he had never seen before, so she cried. God, it's no use covering your head. Mosquitoes are looking for us with lanterns.

13. One day, Mrs. Collette was on a business trip. She locked the door and nailed a note to the milkman with a pin: No one is at home, don't leave anything behind!

When she came home at night, she found that the door had been opened and her home had been robbed. On the note she left, there was such a passage: thank you, we didn't leave too much!

14, Carl works in the largest brewery. One day, he accidentally fell into a big basin containing 50 thousand liters of beer.

Someone told Ada about this bad thing.

Ada said, it's terrible. It is said that people can drown soon.

Soon? Don't! He came out to pee three times.

15, a cruise ship is sinking.

A asked B: "The ship is sinking, how can you still eat bread?"

B replied, "My doctor told me not to drink water on an empty stomach."

16, Jim once took a bath in the river and all the clothes on the shore were taken away by others. He had to endure the ridicule of familiar people and ran home, covering his body.

The next day, Jim went to the river to take a bath. This time, he jumped down in his clothes and swam in the water. A friend passing by the shore asked him, Jim, you are swimming with your clothes on. What will you do when you go back? Jim replied: Hi! Wet clothes are better than no clothes.

17, a man played mahjong with others, and the card style was extremely strong, and he was tied again and again. The other three companies lost money one after another and were in high spirits.

Occasionally, the lower body is discouraged and stinks. The loser at the same table is in a bad mood and has nowhere to vent, so he scolds who put the shit! All kinds of bad words, curses and attacks. When someone wins money at work, he is in a good mood, so he is full of laughter. After a period of time, the card style reversed, and the three losers became winners. A man was defeated again and again, annoyed and scolded for his thoughtfulness. He was so angry that he patted the card table and shouted, "I just farted." What are you doing? "

18. Today, I saw a big brother who sent a courier at the gate of the supermarket and just started a motorcycle.

In less than 3 seconds, I heard a bang, and everyone else and the car fell to the ground.

I saw him get up silently, take out the key and unlock the front wheel of the car.

19, there are two fat papers in the office, a man and a woman, who quarrel every day and scold each other for being fat. One day, everyone said to go swimming, and the fat girl said to the fat man, don't go. If you jump, the water in the pool will overflow. Male fat paper unhurriedly replied: I can't jump, and I get stuck in the pool when I jump. Laugh and spray collectively!

John: "Your father is like a miser. You see, he is a shoemaker, and you still wear such worn shoes. "

Tom: "What about your father? He is a famous dentist, but your little brother has only one tooth! "

2 1, this is what a junior told me. He said that his family likes pizza very much. There happens to be a pizza shop in Taipei, and the advertisement says that pizza ordered by phone must be delivered home within 30 minutes. For more than 30 minutes, give a coupon of 100 yuan. Junior's family likes pizza very much, so the manager ordered pizza. Every time a pizza is delivered, the waiter in that pizza shop says, Miss, I want 12 minutes. This is your pizza "or" Miss, I 18 minutes later, this is your pizza "or" Miss, I 15 minutes later, this is your pizza ". How about a pair of "I don't spend more than 30 minutes"

Another time, my school sister ordered a pizza. Twelve minutes later, someone knocked at the door. "Young lady, I arrived in twelve minutes, but I forgot to bring pizza.

......

22. Cui Hua, a peasant woman, is going to the city. Her husband said to her: people in the city are very smart! Kill something first. Half price. After Cui Hua went to town, he chose a dress in a big shopping mall. The waiter said: 1000! Cui Hua said: 500! Then 800! 400! The waiter said: OK, 400! Cui Hua followed closely, saying: 200! The waiter said, do you want me to give you the whole set? Cui Hua said, do you think I'm stupid? Send half a set!

23. A family had a guest who refused to leave. The host is really boring.

One day, the host deliberately led the guest to a tree outside the door, pointed to the bird on the tree and said to the guest, stay for a few more days, until I sharpen my axe and cut down the tree and burn the bird for you to eat.

The guest said with a grain of salt: I'm afraid not. By the time the tree was cut down, didn't the bird fly away?

The host smiled and said, don't worry, I have seen it. This is a stupid bird. Even if the tree falls, it will stay and refuse to fly away.

24. "When a woman was cooking at home, a fly flew into the pot. The woman quickly grabbed the fly, added two bites to the fly's calf, and then proudly said, "Fuck! The price of oil has gone up. Never waste a drop of oil! " "

25. Just after Singles' Day, two bachelors sat together and chatted again.

Bachelor A said, "What kind of woman will you marry in the future?"

Bachelor B said: "Of course it is the woman who loves me the most."

Bachelor A said, "That's right."

Bachelor B said, "It's a pity that the woman who loves me the most in the world has been married by my father."

26. The Japanese said that we advocate martial arts and are not afraid of sacrifice. I dare to compare you with an apple on your head.

The Japanese then put an apple on his head. The Americans turned and walked for 20 steps, then turned and shot, so don't explode the apple. He said proudly; hunter

The Japanese put another apple. The Englishman turned and walked 50 steps, then turned and shot, and the apple exploded. He said proudly; Ian Boone (Bond)

The Japanese put a small apple on their heads. China people turned and took three steps, then turned and shot, don't blow your head off, he said proudly; I'm sorry

27. Two fools want to open a shoe store. They were told that the best leather shoes were crocodile's. So two fools went to the river to catch crocodiles. About 50 were caught, and one of them said, catch another one. If it still has no shoes, forget it. Two sailors came back from a long voyage and invited them to the town for a drink. I'm almost drunk, and I'm drunk when I come out. Suddenly I saw Xiaoming walking slowly with a donkey, so two sailors decided to make fun of him.

Hey, kid. One of the sailors said to Xiaoming, Why did your brother walk with a rope around his neck?

In order not to make it a sailor! Xiao Ming immediately replied.

28, stupid pig: rogue rabbit, why do you still wear glasses when you sleep?

Rabbit: My eyesight is very poor. I'm afraid I can't see clearly in my dreams.

I remember you once said that you couldn't stand her being with other men, right? Now, that man over there is flirting with her, but why are you just watching here?

I'm biding my time.

A: What is there to wait for?

B: A man younger than me is with her. You don't think I can do this evil.

30. One day when I went to the countryside, I met a child (three and a half years old) of the hospital director. I asked him, rotten melon, did you go to the middle class this year? He said:? Column, and then, select! ? After a while, he came up to me mysteriously. Uncle, I tell you, that'1'was standing last semester, but this semester is strange. The teacher taught us' It fell asleep again'!

After midnight, John was drunk and staggered out of the disco. After a few steps, he stopped and began to knock on a lamppost. A patrolling police car stopped, and a policeman with a mouthful of alcohol came down and asked, "What are you doing there?"

The drunk said, "I've been knocking on the door for half an hour, but no one answered it for me."

The policeman looked up and said, "Your wife must be at home with the light on!" " "

32. Once we were having dinner together, a buddy was a little drunk, but he looked sober, and everyone ignored him.

After dinner, the buddy suddenly rushed into the middle of the road, reached out and stopped a patrolling 1 10 police car, then opened the door and got in.

Say loudly to the police: "I know your car is one kilometer (the taxi price in Qingdao was one kilometer at that time), but you don't have to write it so big for me." Do you think I'm nearsighted ... "

The head coaches of the football teams of China, Japan and South Korea came to heaven together and asked God when their respective football teams would win the World Cup.

God said, "Korea needs 50 years." The Korean coach burst into tears: "I won't see you again."

God said, "Japan needs 100 years." The Japanese coach burst into tears: "I won't see you again."

Coach China quickly asked, "What about us?" God burst into tears: "I'll never see it again."

34. Once upon a time, there was a landlord who did nothing and often made things difficult for others to show his skills. One day, wearing glasses, a robe and a parasol, he was seen by a farmer who was plowing the land. The farmer severely reprimanded the cow: it is harmful to the cow, wandering around without taking the right path and being blind! Said is a whip.

The more the landlord thinks about it, the more wrong it is; Isn't that a curse? He stood on the farm and wanted to give him a good scolding when the farmers came back from farming.

Hi! Hi! The farmer came with a cow. At the end of the farm, the farmer suddenly loosened the plow in his hand, then tied the cow rope with one hand and grabbed a lump of mud with the other hand and stuffed it into the cow's ass. The landlord stared into his eyes and prepared to attack, but he couldn't help laughing at the sudden move of the farmer. He asked the farmer, hey, what are you doing? The farmer replied: I guess I will fart later, so paste it first!

......

35. A thief squatted on the side of the road to steal a car and pick a lock. While he was busy, my brother appeared and asked, How about driving?

Thief: No, the inside of the key is broken.

Me: Can I help you?

Thief: No, thanks.

I looked at it for a long time, but the broken key couldn't be opened for a long time, so I leaned over and handed him a key to try this.

Plug in the power supply and turn it on. The thief is grateful and ready to leave while pushing the cart. His cactus didn't realize that I was the master.

36. "Girls who don't get laid are rebellious.

Go to bed when you see a girl and do justice for heaven.

Chest height, the more you touch it, the more coquettish it becomes.

Small and thin, with stunts.

Small and infinite,

Your ass is up. You must finish it. "

37. In a class, Fiona Fang fell asleep at his desk. The teacher woke Fiona Fang up and said, You are my right-hand man. Why are you sleeping in my class?

Fiona Fang replied, My Lord, Fiona Fang is a grass worker and needs a rest.

38. Mother's Day Night. Mother is worried about a big bowl in the kitchen.

Mary came in and said, "Mom, today is Mother's Day, don't wash the dishes, have a rest …" Mom was very moved.

But Mary went on to say, "Leave it till tomorrow."

39. "Two weeks ago, I fried chicken and asked my husband to go to the store to buy tomatoes as a side dish. A woman cried to the policeman on duty, "But now he hasn't come back, what should I do?" "

"What do you suggest?" The policeman said, "I have to use potatoes as a side dish!" " " "