Xiaolizi immigrants

1 Frog and toad became brothers. Toad said, I am the eldest brother. The frog said: No, you see your zit has not disappeared. I must be the big brother. 1. My girlfriend said I was too girly at night. I was angry, so I quarreled with her. I wanted to be a man, but I finally couldn't help crying. Dormitory buddies are violent. One day, he found a mosquito in a mosquito net. He was busy catching it for a long time, but he didn't catch it. The buddy sighed and said, "Shit, I'm starving!" "Then quickly put away the mosquito net, endured it for several days, and finally starved the mosquito to death. Our sweat is nothing, right? Many people have done it.

A * * found a fly flying into a mosquito net and said to us, "I'm going to kill him." We said, "The flies are hungry. It seems that you can't rely on them."

"Look," the man grabbed a novel, got into the mosquito net and sealed it. I kept shaking my fan while reading a novel, just to keep the flies from landing. As a result, after two hours, the fly finally couldn't fly. He leaned down and poked the fly and said, "Fly, I haven't read enough books."

2. A buddy got up the courage to express his affection to MM on QQ. After a while, MM replied: I'm her mother, and I'm here to steal food.

3. A female classmate's birthday, the four of us agreed to send her "Happy Birthday" at 0: 00, each of them sent a word, and I got the second one. As a result, they didn't send it

4. Students go to the toilet between classes, and when they are finished, they find that there is no paper, they can't wait for people, and their mobile phones are in arrears. In desperation, he called 10086 for help ... It is said that there was a long silence, and later ... his classmates received such a short message in class: Hello, China Mobile User, your classmate is in the toilet and asked you to send him toilet paper. Please contact 10086 for details.

5. I got up in the morning and saw a Netease comment.

First floor: Everybody calm down. Come and listen to the fifth floor.

Second floor: I think the fifth floor is very reasonable.

The third layer: the fifth layer speaks the voice of the people.

Fourth floor: The fifth floor is really nice!

Fifth floor: upstairs are full of idiots.

14. 1955, the per capita income of China is 3.2 times that of South Korea and 1. 1 times that of Japan. However, after more than 50 years of "earth-shaking" growth, the per capita income of China in 2008 was 3% of Japanese and 7% of Korean.

15. I have nothing to do in the morning. When I saw the new recruitment content on the company homepage, I was bored and found my position impressively listed. ...

16. Beifeng, a boastful student, took a fancy to a mother-daughter combination. That girl is really nice. After a fierce ideological struggle, the north wind followed them all the way to the parking lot and finally moved.

Beifeng: Hello, Aunt!

Mom: Hmm. ...

Beifeng: Well, I want to know your daughter.

Mom: She is my daughter-in-law ~

The north wind fainted on the spot, and the girl blushed, but her mother was very open-minded: "Young man, you have a lot of courage, hehe ..."

Then the mother-in-law drove away.

17. A big brother in the dormitory said one day who is this wma? He sang many songs in my MP3.

18. The teacher called the roll in class: "Liu Hua!" As a result, the following children shouted back: "Yeah!" The teacher was very angry: "Why didn't you say' here'?" The child said, "That word is pronounced' yeah' ...".

19. On this day, I suddenly found out that I have a big aunt, a second aunt, a fourth aunt and a fifth aunt, but I don't have a third aunt. So I went to ask my dad: Why don't I have a third aunt? I thought for a moment: Did Third Aunt die when she was young? My dad said: your third aunt is your mother!

20. I want to play a joke on my boyfriend, pretend that I found a pair of ladies' underwear (actually mine) under his bed, and then question him. At first, he refused to admit it. Unexpectedly, under my pressure, he actually hugged me and began to admit his mistake.

2 1. Original post of Netease users in Yichang, Hubei [7](22 1.233. *.*).

22. The man was away on business and suddenly went home. He heard the man snoring at the door. The man walked away silently and sent a text message to his wife: divorce.

Three years later, his wife told him: it's Rising's little lion!

Once the bell rings, everyone must go home. When I went down the stairs, my left foot stepped on my right foot and I fell into a big font in the middle of the road ... I thought at that time: No way, it's embarrassing, I pretended to be dizzy.

As a result, the classmates next to me saw me motionless, quickly helped me up, and then slapped me on the body. ...

24. A classmate, his computer will automatically turn on every morning (probably because the dormitory suddenly opened when he called in the morning).

As a result, his old man took a symbol and posted it on his computer. Dad hates foreign singers the most. But one day, when I was watching Mike Jackson's mtv, I suddenly found my father standing behind watching it with a thoughtful expression on his face. "Dad, do you like this, too?"

Dad shook his head: "Mao Amin is really getting ugly."

26. A female friend and a homosexual share a house. One night she was very depressed, and that gay gave her a bowl of noodles very thoughtfully. She suddenly felt very warm and said, "Why don't we make do with it?" Unexpectedly, Guy's face changed greatly:' You don't have a man, I do! "

27. One day, halfway through physical education class, the toilet solved personal problems. As a result, I was so anxious that I went into the men's room by mistake. I was cheated when I saw a boy urinating in a urinal. A second later, I was about to retreat quietly, but I was found and fainted. I saw the boy shouting "rogue, indecent assault" and then covering his chest with his hand. Later, later, I said something that I found incredible. "Classmate, you cover the wrong place ..."

28. I was drunk and went to the bathroom of a restaurant to pee. See a sentence written on the wall, take a closer look. It says, "Don't look here, just pee." By the time I finished reading this sentence, I had wet my shoes.

29. I am an ambulance doctor. Today, a patient told me that he had only six months to live. I want to say something encouraging! Comfort: six months, soon passed, be strong!

30. Every time a wife quarrels with her husband, she has to go to the toilet for half a day. If this happens more often, her husband will have to ask her: What are you doing in the toilet? It seems quite Japanese? The wife said: brush the toilet! My husband asked if flushing the toilet could be fucking solved. The wife said: I don't know, anyway, every time I use your toothbrush.

3 1. Once I rented A Jin Tianyi in Manba, I burst into tears as soon as I saw the second page. I don't know who drew a circle on a character with a blue ballpoint pen and wrote, this is the murderer. ...

32. Get on the bus in the afternoon, take out the bus card and bump into the slot.

33. On a whim, I used my photo as a computer desktop … and then the computer was poisoned …

34. Talk in a dream together in high school.

"Love the princess, love the princess, don't leave me."

I was stunned. ...

soon

"I am not reconciled, I am not reconciled."

I just had a breakdown. ...

35. Our math teacher always likes to tell jokes that nobody laughs at.

Our whole class discussed playing tricks on him, and when he said the first sentence in class, we all laughed in unison.

He came that day and silently said that his father had passed away.

I laughed at once, and everyone else was silent.

When I was in primary school, I only had a few cents of pocket money every day. Once I saved money for a few days and finally bought a pack of spiced melon seeds. In class, I secretly broke them all, and the melon seeds were put in the desk drawer.

When I came to class in the afternoon, I looked at the melon seed shell, and when I was greedy, I put it in my mouth again and contained it again. It feels delicious.

When class was over, a classmate asked me what to eat, so I had to say eat melon seeds. I bought spiced melon seeds specially, and only the shell without meat is delicious. . As a result, a group of classmates gathered around my seat that afternoon and ate the melon seeds I licked twice. . . .

37.2L, is that you? It's beautiful. It saved me a lot of money. I don't have to eat this year.

38. Visiting the supermarket, I saw a cashier carefully counting a pile of coins. A child ran over and sang: There are a group of ducks passing by the bridge in front of the door. Come and count, 24678. . . . Then the cashier was very depressed and poured the half-counted coins back and counted them again. ....

39. There used to be a baby (male) in our dormitory, who was honest, a little stupid, and sometimes stupid and cute. Once after the lights went out at night, everyone was chatting again. He said, when I have money, I'll find three girls. We were provoked by him and asked him what happened next, but he calmly said, playing mahjong …

40. The funeral procession downstairs is playing Come Home Often. I don't know what my family thinks.

4 1. I met a great man on the subway this morning. On the subway, suddenly a buddy's phone rang so loudly that all the passengers heard it: Grandpa, that grandson called you again. . . . Grandpa, that grandson called you again. . . Grandpa, that grandson called you again. . . . . I saw that buddy slowly took out his mobile phone and answered: Hey, Dad, what's up? . .

42. Think of one thing in college.

In the final exam of the university, the test number is required on the test paper.

I wrote the fucking QQ number

43. My head teacher in junior high school is very fierce. Every Friday, before going to school, he has a class meeting to give lectures. Once, she was so excited that she said sternly, "Why are you so disappointing? I have racked my brains for this class. " At that time, several classmates and I tried not to laugh, so we had to bury our heads deeply. I remember a buddy lying on the table, biting his hand hard. . .

44. A male colleague has been pestering his best friend to develop a relationship with her. Have the cheek to ask her phone number all day to make excuses. My best friend has no choice but to feel her pockets. Last week, the fifth anniversary of the old man, she went to the cemetery and happened to buy a pack of paper towels with the phone number of the crematorium on it. So I told my male colleague the number.

The next day, a man was puzzled to tell everyone that he called to ask if Miss XX was in. The other party replied: Was it sent before yesterday? The day before yesterday has been burned, and today's has not been put into the furnace.

45. Once you have made friends, you should fill in your personal information.

I was stupid and naive to fill in the occupation and zodiac backwards.

This is not a problem! But my zodiac sign is chicken …

46. We went to Xuyang Township for investigation, and the township leaders personally accompanied us to meet the village head in Dili. I feel sick in my stomach and suddenly want to go to the toilet. The village chief pointed to the thatched shed in front and said, it's right there. I hurried to the thatched shed. I just opened the straw curtain and saw a sister-in-law in the toilet. I'm leaving now. At this time, the eldest sister-in-law in the shed cried. Brother, I hope to move aside so that the two of us can squat down. ...

47. Dormitory buddies are violent. One day, he found a mosquito in a mosquito net. He was busy catching it for a long time, but he didn't catch it. The buddy sighed and said, "Shit, you're starving!" Then quickly put away the mosquito net, endured it for several days and finally starved the mosquito to death. Our sweat is nothing, right? Many people have done it.

A * * found a fly flying into a mosquito net and said to us, "I'm going to kill him." We said, "The flies are hungry. It seems that you can't rely on them."

"Look," the man grabbed a novel, got into the mosquito net and sealed it. I kept shaking my fan while reading a novel, just to keep the flies from landing. As a result, after two hours, the fly finally couldn't fly. He leaned down and poked the fly and said, "Fly, I haven't read enough books."

I remember going to the swimming pool with my parents once. Just entering the gate, I saw a social youth with a tattoo, a shaved head and a big gold chain around his neck! When we got into the water to get used to the temperature, we watched the brother swagger past a stop point in the water, and lightning happened. . . The thick gold chain around his neck floated on the water. . . . .

On July 22, 2009, I met a buddy on a BBS and said, "TMD, the solar eclipse was in the daytime, which made me wait all night."

50. Female friends will be accosted when they go to the wedding banquet and ask us what clothes to wear. Answer: red or white cheongsam. So he twisted gracefully to the restaurant in cheongsam.

I came back to report at night and was accosted countless times today. Topics of conversation include: hasn't the food on our table been served yet? Miss, please provide some rice. Two bottles of snow beer! Excuse me, where is the toilet? Is this XX and XX's wedding banquet? 、

1. Yesterday I received a message from QQ requesting to be a friend: "I am your mother", and I immediately replied "I am your father!" I was rejected, and then I got a call from my mother saying, "Add me, quick!" "

2. On the eve of Singles Day, I received a short message from my girlfriend "Happy Singles Day to you". I replied: I have a girlfriend, and I am not single! Another: When you receive this message, you will be.

I farted on the bus,

Seeing people waving around, their faces are full of pain.

I also waved.

The lady next to me turned to me and said, stop pretending.

My wife and I went to the Reclining Buddha Temple to play. My wife couldn't walk on the road, so I carried her. An old woman saw it and said seriously, you see, you are also a scholar. My wife is ill, so it's no use going to the hospital earlier.

The day before yesterday, my boss, a man, looked behind my computer for a long time and said, "Xiaoke, do you grow vegetables, too?" This is working time! "

I collected melon seeds. . . . . Look at him.

Said, "Manager Zhang, this is my desktop. Which vegetable field do you see standing on Super Mary? "

7. When my brother takes the bus, a beautiful girl on the bus always looks at him. The younger brother thought: the girl may be interested in herself and can't help but be happy. The girl got off at the station. The younger brother immediately followed. The girl walked in front and looked back from time to time. The younger brother got up the courage to run forward and said humorously, "Miss, why do you always look at me?" Is there a grain of rice on my face? The girl glared at him and said, "Are you sick?" I know. I still don't wipe it. "

8. The bedroom is on the sixth floor. When I climbed up, I found that I didn't have my key. I went downstairs and asked my aunt for it. Then I climbed up to open the door, went down to return the key and climbed up again. I found the door closed. A classmate next door passed by and asked, "You see your door is open, I'll close it for you." …

When eating in a restaurant, a big brother at the next table called the waiter: Do you believe I can open the beer with my thumb? The waiter said in surprise that he didn't believe it. My eldest brother said flatly, then why don't you bring a bottle?

A condemned man asked the policeman, "What time is it?" Pol.ice reprimanded: "I'm dying, why ask when!" " "The prisoner said," this is the event of my life. Remember that this time is very important to me. "

4 See the price of China Mobile in Hong Kong: 68 yuan HK dollar package, including unlimited local GPRS and Wi-Fi, 1600 minutes of local call time, and free Fetion service. My face is full of cows ... teenagers don't work hard and spend their lives in the mainland ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Two people live in a room, sleep in a bed and cover a quilt. A man said, "be careful, I'm going to fart!" " "Say that finish put a fart in bed. After a while, another guy poked his head out of the bed and said, "My God, what is this fart?"? I hid under the covers and almost fainted. "

Two policemen picked up three bombs and prepared to hand them in. On the road, a policeman said to another policeman, "What if the bomb explodes on the road?" "Then when we arrive, we will say that we have only found two pieces, so we don't need them." Another policeman said.

In order to avoid military service, a man drank a pile of coffee the day before the physical examination and tried to raise his blood pressure, but he passed the physical examination and he felt very depressed. A year later, he was injured in an exercise. When he went to treatment, the nurse looked at his blood pressure and asked him, "Who told you to join the army?" Answer: "Is there any problem?" The nurse said, "Your blood pressure is so low, how did you pass the physical examination?"

At the party, the host calmly walked onto the stage and said affectionately. The Yellow River, China's mother He. He witnessed the great development of the Chinese nation, and now she looks at the reminder card. Speak calmly. Listen to the song of the Yangtze River.

Some people ascend to heaven after death, thinking that heaven is too monotonous. He asked the angel to let him go to hell. The angel agreed. He went to hell and said to the devil, "I decided to spend the night here." I heard it was fun. " The devil agreed to let him stay for the night and sent a beautiful woman to entertain him. The next day, someone returned to heaven. After a while, he asked the angel to allow him to go to hell. Everything was the same as last time, and he returned to heaven radiant. After a while, he told the angel that he would live in hell forever. After that, he ignored the angel's advice and resolutely left heaven. He went to hell and told the devil that he had come to settle down. The devil invited him in, but this time he was received by an old lady with unkempt hair and wrinkled face. "Where is the beauty who used to receive me?" "Friend, to tell you the truth, tourism is tourism, and immigration is another matter!"

A pickpocket was taken to court for stealing. "Mr Brewster," said the judge, "you are found guilty and fined 150 yuan." Brewster's lawyer discussed it with his client, stood up and said, "Your honor, my client is short of money now. He only has 125 yuan now, but if you allow him to walk around in the crowd ... "

1 1 One day, A Dai borrowed money from Lao Liu, and Lao Liu agreed, but he had to charge interest of 9 points. A Dai said angrily, "Hum! This is robbery! Aren't you afraid that God will punish you for doing this? " Lao Liu said, "I noticed. His old man looks down from the sky and 9 and 6 are the same. "

12A: Sorry, my chicken didn't turn round, and it ran out and damaged your food. B: That's all right. My dog has eaten your chicken. A: Oh! No wonder I found chicken bones in the dog's stomach. B: ...

13 A person is drunk and walking on the road. He suddenly asked passers-by, "How many bags are there on my head?" The man said, "Five." He said, "Thank you. It is only four telephone poles away from my home. "

14A: "The doctor advised me to quit smoking with chocolate." B: "what's the effect?" A: "No, I tried. Chocolate doesn't glow at all. "

A man was driving a donkey cart across the bridge. The arch at the bridge head is not high enough. He was worried that the donkey cart could not pass, so he took a rivet from the cart and carefully knocked off some stones in the vault. The policeman passed by and saw him and said, "What a fool! Why not just scrape a layer of soil under the arch? " The driver is not convinced: "You TM is a fool! Not because the donkey's legs are too long, but because the donkey's ears are too long. "

16A: I heard that your director has to try out any new products first. Our unit opened today, and he dare not try! No, he wants to try everything! In this way, he dare not try! B: What products do you produce? A: The urn.

17 Brother Crab is blind. One day, my brother asked my brother to buy fruit. The younger brother said to the boss: I want to buy bananas. The boss said you were blind and didn't sell them! My brother went home and told his brother, and his brother said, you told the boss that I am a crab, not a shrimp!

18 A friend who is famous for her shyness and is afraid to talk when she meets a girl unexpectedly announced her engagement after meeting a young lady at a dance. He was asked what had happened. "Well," said the shy boy, "I danced with her three times, and I can't think of anything to say."

An American visited Australia. That American is so arrogant that no one looks down on him. One day, he visited a farm in Australia. When he saw the cows on the farm, he said, "Is this your cow?" The escort said, "Yes". Then the American said, "Is this also called a cow? Our American dogs are much bigger than this. " Just then, Americans saw a group of kangaroos jumping in the distance. Then ask the escort: "What is this?" The escort immediately said, "This is our grasshopper in Australia."