Silent confession: no expectation is the best expectation.

Our whole life is to get rid of other people's expectations and find our true self.

"Lydia is dead, but they don't know yet."

I feel depressed about every character in Silent Confession, and I understand the warmth and coldness, but I can't let go of that "expectation". Reading novels is like this. Once you walk in and "mix" with them, you will become a "non-(dry) pass (Shen) defender"

Fortunately, the ending of the story is like the starry sky in the long night. Although deep as a net, it is also as starry as water, rippling with hope. This hope is not given by others, nor is it given by others. This is our own hope. This hope is that the star in the depths of the star can be recognized at a glance. It is engraved in our lives and will never disappear. It hurts to see it, but this kind of pain will guide us to become ourselves.

Lydia died, a Chinese-American mixed-race girl who just celebrated 16 birthday. She was a freshman that year. She lives in a Chinese-American mixed-race family. Her father is an American immigrant (an impostor) and her mother is an American. She also has a brother (Ness) and a sister (Hannah). She looks like her mother the most, and is also her parents' favorite.

However, she died and committed suicide. The police found her at the bottom of Lake Midwood, only five minutes away from her home. Her death is undoubtedly a black hole in the center of this family of five, straight into the center of the earth, and she is at the bottom of the cave. Her death made her family sad, desperate, uneasy, afraid, angry, confused, quiet and lonely. Everyone struggled to find Lydia. They need the truth about her death and want to find out who is responsible for her death. But in the end, at a certain moment, every one of them understood her, and because they really understood her, they began to become soft, but who can say whether it was early or late?

James lee is a professor of history at Middlewood University. For eighteen years, he has taught an introduction to history year after year. James changed from an impostor to an immigrant when he was very young. His father is a school repairman and his mother is a chef in the school canteen. Race, class, appearance ... make him feel "different" in the school. He tried to make himself ordinary and complete. His spoken English has no accent and his grades are excellent. He was admitted to Harvard, but he had the opportunity to stay in school and became a "Harvard professor" but was accidentally eliminated. He had to enter a poor university to teach. He tried to make himself ordinary and avoid his "special".

His wife Marilyn is an American girl who is full of "expectations" for herself. She despised her mother for circling around housework. She loves science and hopes to be a doctor. She likes to be "different" and hopes to control her own destiny and get the life she wants; She tried to change and imagine her colorful life after becoming a doctor. She entered Harvard, getting closer and closer to her dream. But no matter how strong her dream is, no matter how much she hates her mother, she still remembers what she said: You know, how many excellent Harvard men you will meet.

Two people met and fell in love at Harvard. That's it. One yearns for integration, and the other pursues special and seemingly perfect complementarity, which lays the foundation for the direction of each role. Because of the beginning of the story, they gave their expectations to "others".

Marilyn is a student of James. When she first saw him, she was attracted by his uniqueness. But what she didn't know was that James didn't pay attention to her, so that she didn't recognize her when she walked into his office to face him. Marilyn plucked up her courage and kissed James across the table, and the story began.

Since it is a story, it will not be "logical". James lost the opportunity to stay at Harvard, and Marilyn ended her studies because of an unexpected pregnancy and chose to get married. In the face of sudden changes, Marilyn suppressed her "dream" and chose daily necessities, while James carefully cared for this rare fusion. There is no expectation of liberation, and sometimes it is like a seed in the field. As long as there are enough conditions, it will germinate.

Marilyn's unfinished heart was activated after her mother died. She ran away from home. At that time, she was the mother of two children She doesn't want to be a housewife in the kitchen with her child's husband. Her dream is to be a doctor. She took this step "bravely" and fled her family and returned to school in a vanishing way. She left without telling anyone. She didn't say goodbye to her husband or tell the children when she would come back. She comforted herself while thinking about her family, waiting stubbornly and hopefully for graduation. But just as she was about to finish her last class, an unexpected fainting made her miss the exam. Her third child was born, and her arrival once again pulled it back from the edge of "ideal". After missing for nine weeks, she finally went home. Life is the same as before, but these nine weeks have become the node that determines everyone's fate.

"Leaving You"-The Most Real Threat

But she doesn't know how to explain why everything has changed in just one day, and why the person she really loves is here one minute and "left" the next.

For five-year-old Lydia, her mother's departure came as a bolt from the blue. Although my father has repeatedly said that "this is nobody's fault, especially none of your business", for young Lydia, it is their fault. They did something wrong and made her angry. They didn't live up to her expectations.

Lydia thought that if her mother could go home and let her finish the milk, she would definitely finish it. She can brush her teeth by herself, and the doctor doesn't cry when she is given an injection. As soon as her mother turned off the light, she went to bed. She will never get sick again. Mother means what she says. She wants to realize her mother's every wish.

To do all this, she just wants to keep her mother, and she is afraid that her mother will suddenly leave quietly all the time. The fear of leaving and losing haunts Lydia's young mind, as if telling her to "satisfy her mother's wishes so that you can get her love". In this way, time will cut this "wish" deeper and deeper until it penetrates the thickness of life. There is nothing wrong with you, son, except that you are too young. This may be the only thing you can think of and do.

Once we miss the time to pave the way for "being worthy of being loved and protected", it may take us longer to learn to "love ourselves", which may be a lifetime.

"For your own good"-the most "poisonous" spell

From the moment Marilyn came back, she began to give Lydia special love. She brought arithmetic problems into every detail of her life. Give her a stethoscope as a toy, buy her all kinds of popular science books, hang Einstein's postcards and stethoscopes on the wall, accompany her to do chemistry experiments, help her correct her physics homework, enroll her in a physics class in Grade One, and praise her cleverness with her neighbor female doctor ... She gave her daughter everything she thought was good. She is well-intentioned, just to watch her daughter clatter through the hospital corridor in a white coat, high heels, a medical record folder in her hand and a stethoscope around her neck. Every doctor and nurse who met her smiled at her and asked her a bunch of medical knowledge that others could not answer. This is her dream.

But she never asked her daughter, is this what you want? How do you feel? Or, even if she asks, Lydia will say "Yes, Mom", then look at her ear, pull up her mouth and smile. That smile is fake. She learned this smile when she was five years old, or earlier. Only she knew that her physics scores plummeted until she failed. She hates science and is tired of propaganda and calculation, but she can't say it, because she made a wish and met all her mother's expectations.

James tried his best to provide all the help in finding friends. He gave Lydia books about making friends and popularizing social science to promote children's dating. He hoped that Lydia would have more and more friends, that he would be popular, and that he would not be rejected and considered as "different" like himself. Even he didn't forget to add "Everyone likes this" as a gift for his daughter. He believes that his expectation will come true because of Lydia's blue eyes. Until Lydia died, he didn't understand how Lydia could be lonely and "different" without friends. Every day, he can clearly hear Lydia chatting happily with "friends" at the corner of the stairs, and he can clearly see Lydia talking about school at the dinner table.

What he doesn't know is that the other end of the phone may be unfriendly teasing or busy.

James's indifference to Ness, his neglect of Hannah and his enthusiasm for Lydia may be essentially the same. Because he is good for them, he wants to teach them how to blend in with the crowd and tell them that they are not special and they can be like others. This is his long-cherished wish.

"For your own good" sounds warm, but there is a cold depression, as horrible as a curse, holding you to fulfill other people's expectations. When this spell reached its extreme, it became a "sharp knife". It grabs your throat and smiles at you. You can't speak, you can only smile back, and your smile is frozen on your face. So at that moment, someone compromised, someone took a step forward, but I hope someone can hold the blade, put away a smile and break the spell. It may hurt, but at least they can breathe freely.

"Invisible"-the farthest distance

Hannah knelt on the ground, imagining her sister kneeling down to untie the cable, and then pushing the boat away from the shore, far away, unable to see the dark water around the boat. Finally, she lay on the dock, shaking her body gently and looking at the night sky overhead. That night, that night and her sister were so close.

I don't know why, I always think of Hannah curled up under the table and feeling everyone. She collects unimportant things from everyone in her family as souvenirs. She can read everyone's expressions and feelings. She is the youngest, but she sees things most clearly. The Secret Behind is sensitive and kind, eager to be seen and loved. She approached everyone in her own way, felt their feelings, embraced what they didn't want to embrace, but was ignored by everyone. They can't see her. She is not the protagonist of the story, but I walked closest to her. She is like an angel standing outside the story, connecting everyone in series.

Loneliness but happiness is true happiness, and happiness but loneliness is true loneliness. Hannah will enjoy being alone. She expects attention from others, but she doesn't hold out much hope. So as long as the other person is a little closer, she will take a big step forward, and even if the other person is indifferent, she will not be too disappointed. Her indifference is beyond her age, but fortunately, she was seen because of Lydia's departure.

There are too many things we can't see. Sometimes we don't want to see them, sometimes we turn a blind eye, sometimes we can't see them, and sometimes we hide them from others ... But facts are facts, and they won't disappear because of "invisibility", but they will only brew and ferment, pulling each other further. So is James, so is Marilyn, so is Lydia, so is Ness, so is Hannah, and so is Jack.

Water under the bridge. Everyone is remembering what happened before Lydia left. They will say, if they see …, maybe …, but it's too late. Lydia has left. But it's not too late. At least only Lydia has left.

"Never mention it again"-the most painful memory

"When they got married, James and Marilyn agreed to forget the past, start a new life together and never look back."

James doesn't want to face his family background, remember what Marilyn's mother said at their wedding, "This is not right, Marilyn, you know this is not right", and he doesn't want to recall the "special" treatment he has received over the years. He thinks nothing will happen. But the fact, the more the memory is no longer mentioned, the more profound it is; The more depressed this feeling is, the worse it is. He didn't forget anything, he just used the excuse of "never mentioning it again" to escape all this.

Marilyn's dream was shattered again and again and thrown into the trash can of life; She tried to cross the barrier of reality, but she tripped over reality again and again; She didn't want to mention it, and it no longer became an expectation for Lydia. That kind of deep expectation kept the reality of "not mentioning" in front of her, and she never forgot it.

Ness and Lydia's "never mention it again" are their father's shoe prints on the roof, Lydia's fear of falling into the water, their mother's old injury of running away, their "expectation" of knowing each other very well, and Jack's embarrassed expression. ...

Jack, a recognized playboy, never mentioned his love for Ness, even though Ness regarded him as an enemy. Hannah saw that Ness' sweat fell on the back of his hand, and he stared at it for a long time.

And Louisa Chen, James' Chinese female teaching assistant, I don't think anyone will mention it again.

………

But at the end of the story, I seem to see James and Marilyn talking about James' China family and China culture; Marilyn and James mentioned their dreams; Hannah told everyone the details she saw and felt; Ness and Jack mentioned a misunderstanding about childhood. Jack and Ness mentioned her and Lydia; Each of them mentioned Lydia again, and everyone knew what Lydia wanted to mention. At that moment, Lydia seemed to be no longer taboo. She is the brightest star in the sky, shining with bright light. The heart of the person stung by it is dull, but it is comforted, just like the title of "Silent Confession".

The story will eventually end, and I have mixed feelings. At the end of the novel, there are crying, hugging, watching, letting go, reaching out, and indelible scars ... These tiny details, like the light penetrating the clouds, tear open the truth about the appearance of the wrapped person, making everyone who is still alive fade away from "camouflage" and become real and soft. This softness seems to me more like reconciliation, reconciliation with each other, reconciliation with myself, and reconciliation with those who have given their lives for it. Of course, this softness also seems to put down expectations.

I think this is not only a relationship with children, but also every relationship in our lives. They become "us" because of "you and me", but they are never subject to "you and me". You have your expectations, I have my expectations, but my expectations will never be imposed on you, and neither will you. We are independent and free. As the cover says: Our life is to get rid of other people's expectations and find our true self. But I also want to say: our life is full of expectations, let go of expectations of others, but don't give up expectations of life.