How to completely get rid of the family?

"Love and lack of love have changed the baby's brain forever ... most nervous systems (including the limbic system that manages emotions, memory and attention). ) You need the stimulation of key life experiences to grow up ... Without a loving mother, it will do irreparable harm to the complex and fragile marginal system of human beings. Thomas Lewis, Farley Amigny and Richard Lennon's The General Theory of Love.

"In the final analysis, the influence of family on children is the most critical: the family not only creates the world in which children live, but also tells them how to interpret the world. "-"is that what you wear? Understanding Mother and Daughter in Conversation by Deborah Tannan

The purpose of quoting these two books is to prove from the perspective of biology and psychology (attachment theory) that we can't completely get rid of the influence of family background.

However, we can reduce family of origin's influence by creating new life experiences and new attachment relationships. Although being born into a family has shaped our past, it cannot bind our present and future.

The first step to reduce the negative influence of family of origin is to admit that our childhood misfortune happened, that family of origin has its own limitations, and that we hate, love, anger, shame, pain and frustration towards family of origin. People can't deceive themselves all their lives. Facing up to the past and listening to their inner voices can help us return to the present and look forward to the future.

Learn to nourish yourself. Since being born in a family can't support us, we should take care of ourselves and comfort ourselves. Get along with yourself the way we want our parents to treat us. Allow yourself to lament the happy childhood that you deserve but never get, learn to be kind to yourself in trivial matters of life, be patient, and often say something positive and encouraging to yourself. You know, it is a long and ups and downs process to reduce the negative impact of family background. Applaud every progress you make and forgive your occasional mistakes.

Some people try to reduce family of origin's influence by remolding their attachment. In a cold and violent family, as children, we can't establish a stable and safe attachment relationship with caregivers. As adults, we rebuild our attachment by developing love, friendship or professional relationship with psychological counselors.

Many people have redefined their family background. Some people rebuild their families by having a very close circle of friends, getting married or having children. Some people control the physical distance from their parents by leaving home to study, emigrate and work, so as to control the psychological distance from their original families. Some people get the opportunity to be independent from the family spirit by gaining economic independence.

Allow yourself to mourn the lost childhood laughter, feel sorry for yourself who was hurt in the past, and feel angry for the person or behavior who did the harm. This is the only process on the road to wound healing. Life is still a long way off, and you never know what will happen in the next second. Don't remonstrate with the past, but you can still pursue the future.