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Yu called it the first pen in ancient China.

I finally knitted it in the firecrackers on New Year's Eve. I put down my pen gently.

Put it down, pick it up and look at it again: pen.

People will come into contact with many objects in their life, which are countless. For me, the most important thing must be a pen.

I haven't used a computer yet, and all the words are written in pen, which is praised as a rare "pure handwriting" by the publishing industry. Will it change? No, although I'm not conservative, one's life is limited, and one of them is a pen.

Maybe many people will laugh at my backwardness, but as long as I read the following memory fragments, I will certainly understand.

one

The first pen in my life was a small bamboo pen. My mother was writing a letter on behalf of the villagers, so I imitated it with this small brush. I was only three years old at that time. The next year, I was dragged from the desk to school by two new primary school teachers, and my mother changed a better brush for me. I was covered in ink as soon as I started class, so that every teacher took me to the river to wash after class. After washing, they ran over and carried me back to my seat.

When I was seven years old, my mother gave me a dip pen longer than a writing brush and a bottle of blue ink, and asked me to write to the villagers for her. Dip your pen in the ink bottle and you can write seven words. The strokes on the paper attracted the villagers' attention. The villagers hardly looked at me, only at the pen.

In other words, my mother told me intentionally or unintentionally when I was very young that the money was responsible to the villagers.

When I graduated from primary school at the age of nine and went to Shanghai to study in primary and secondary schools, my father bought me a "Guan" brand pen, but I soon lost it. My father was very angry. Later, I learned that I won the first prize in the Shanghai composition competition and the special prize in the math competition. My father was very angry, but he never bought me a good pen again. I always used the kind of cheap pen that others couldn't take away. I want to, too, because it's light, and a good pen is always heavier.

two

The first time I used a pen on a large scale was at the age of 19 to 2 1 year, writing a "confession" for my father. It was the early days of the Cultural Revolution disaster. Dad was exposed by the "revolutionary masses" to have political and historical problems, and immediately "knocked down" and stopped paying wages. There are eight people in my family who want to eat. Dad wanted to tell the truth to the "revolutionary masses" in words, so he wiped his tears and wrote. Soon his eyes were broken, so he dictated and I wrote. At first, he was not detained. Every night at home, he said I would write. Later, he was listed as "opposing the great leader" by the "revolutionary masses" and could not go home. He told the authorities that he could no longer write, and I had to write for him. So, you can put it back every few days, but you can't stay at home for the night.

I wrote more than 9 million words of "confession" to my father. At first, I advised my father that it was unnecessary to write. Later, I did, and I learned a lot of real past events from my grandparents, which were of great historical and literary value, so I wrote them down. And I took the initiative to ask my father a lot of details, and then checked with my grandmother and mother. All this is the starting point of my later writing A Brief History of My Family. This book has been written off and on for more than 40 years.

At that time, I wrote my father a "confession" with a ballpoint pen. A plastic straight rod, each triangular money, I have finished writing a lot. This ballpoint pen is more powerful than a pen, and the pen holder is too thin, which makes writing very uncomfortable. But dad asked to put a blue-purple "carbon paper" under the materials he was writing, so that he could leave a bottom besides the materials he handed in, so he could only use this ballpoint pen. After writing for a while, my fingers became stiff, and there were deep pen marks in the first section of the middle finger next to my index finger. If you write any more, your whole palm will twitch, because you write too fast and too much.

three

In any case, my father should not be the focus of the "Cultural Revolution" struggle. He is not a cadre, capitalist or intellectual. "Down with him" is out of jealousy of "revolutionary masses". What are you jealous of him? Only one, who gave birth to four sons, belonged to a "rich family". In those days, the "rich family" was bound to be hungry, but the "revolutionary masses" ignored it and collected a few seemingly "dissatisfied" words in his daily chat with his colleagues, thus being "knocked down" and imprisoned for a long time.

The real focus of the Cultural Revolution is related to my major. Drama has become the tipping point of social disaster. The whole "Cultural Revolution" began with criticizing Wu Han's "Hai Rui dismissed from office"-it was a play; The banner of the "Cultural Revolution" is several so-called "revolutionary model operas"-also dramas. There has never been such a thing in human history: many people were imprisoned or lost their lives just because they said one or two words related to drama. I was admitted to the Department of Drama Literature of Shanghai Theatre Academy to study drama theory and drama writing, and this major suddenly became a "concentration camp" that reversed black and white, beauty and ugliness, good and evil. I decided to quit my job and change my career.

At Shanghai Theatre Academy, I was one of the "three big mountains of conservatives" who opposed the Cultural Revolution. When my father was "knocked down", my objection was a tragic self-destruction at that time. Just like my uncle, Mr. Yu Zhishi, protested against the "Cultural Revolution" three times in a row, I took over his legacy with his urn.

Just then, a greater disaster came, and students all over the country had to stop studying, give up their studies, go to the countryside, and were not allowed to return to the city. Shanghai students were punitively sent to distant frontiers. Before leaving, all parents and students will go to see a drama "New Seedlings in the Frontier" that completely denies education and culture. Oh, my God, it's still a play! When I went to the farm after watching the play, I threw all my pens into the trash can, including the ballpoint pen that wrote "confession" to my father. At that time, my father's "crime" was aggravated, so I couldn't leave the detention room, and I couldn't write for him anymore.

Why did you throw the pen into the trash can? The first is a protest break. "Revolutionary Model Opera" and "New Seedlings in the Frontier" brought me professional shame. Secondly, because I found that I had no chance to write. Who will you write to when you get to the farm? Dad is not allowed to communicate there. If you write to your mother, what kind of words can she reply? And I found that there is no post office where we work, and it takes a long way to find a small town on a rest day, but there is no rest day. Of course, for these two reasons, pens are folded, discarded, destroyed and buried.

The actual situation is worse than expected. We built our own thatched cottage on the farm, and four bamboos supported a board as a bed. When we fell asleep, we got stuck in the mire. There is no place to use a pen, and there is no time to use a pen. It's always dark before dawn. I'm too tired to remember words, pens and being a person who can write.

four

A political event in 197 1 year suddenly made Premier Zhou Enlai the second person in China. He set out to lead the resumption of classes in an attempt to partially correct the "Cultural Revolution" disaster. This makes it possible for many endangered "new frontier seedlings" to return to the city to study, and also gives us the opportunity to return to Shanghai to participate in the compilation of some teaching materials. I was assigned to Lu Xun's textbook writing group and picked up a pen again. I remember I bought it at Bai Le Shopping Mall in Jing 'an Temple, about one yuan. At that time, there were already several "domestic famous brands" for pens, such as "Hero" and "Venus", and I couldn't afford to buy each 23 yuan. (Original Author: Yu) Editing textbooks, I got very few things and finished reading them in a few days. However, although the resumption of classes and the compilation of teaching materials were directly arranged by Zhou Enlai, they were still opposed by the ultra-left forces who advocated abandoning school and suspending classes, thinking that this was a "right-wing conviction" and ready to fight back. They are busy arranging students who have just resumed classes to watch the play "New Seedlings in the Frontier" and "Returning to the Frontier, Revolution" again. This makes me angry again, whether it is education or drama. But because there was a momentum to resume education at that time, my anger turned into academic courage.

I picked up a one-dollar pen and started to act. At that time, in order to resume classes, the university library was reopened. I used Cai Xiangming, a library employee of Shanghai Theatre Academy, who had been familiar for a long time, to sneak into the foreign language stacks that were still banned at that time and began to write world dramas. I copied many foreign original texts with a pen, and then translated them paragraph by paragraph with the help of various dictionaries. At the same time, we have to look through a lot of background materials, and finally collect all the drama theories in the world 13 countries. The workload of this matter is very huge, because all these contents were not translated until more than forty years later. I was actually sneaking around in a closed space with a pen step by step as a staff. What is even more difficult is that at that time, outside, through a window, as long as one sentence is not conducive to the "revolutionary model opera", there will be jail. To this end, I have to pay tribute to that one-dollar pen and to my youth.

At that time, it was completely unimaginable that this difficult academic work with a length of 680,000 words could be published. Of course, this is even more unpredictable. After decades, this book has been the only teaching material on this major subject in the country and has not been replaced.

As you can see, that pen, the crutch that supports my stealth, draws a huge academic building in the dark and muddy.

Compared with this kind of academic construction, many academic works I finished later, though more famous, lost a dying vitality.

five

Because of my performance in the disaster, after the disaster, the hospital ranked first in three opinion polls and was promoted to dean. He has never been a group leader, but he has become the first group leader of a national key art university. It seems that riding a "rocket" is actually a decade of trust precipitation. The teachers and staff of the whole hospital watched me for ten years, but some things didn't understand at that time, and finally understood, such as the reason why I secretly went to the foreign language stacks again and again.

Images in disasters tend to spread widely. At that time, my social prestige had far surpassed that of the college, and I was elected as the head of the evaluation team of Professor China and the evaluation team of Shanghai Art Professor. Every time we judge, we categorically deny those opportunistic and unscrupulous literati in the disaster years. So, I picked up the pen again, wrote down the negative conclusion over and over again, and signed my name forcefully. At that time, the pen almost became a hammer knocked down by the judge, which was loud, courageous, authoritative and unquestionable.

This is the 1980s. At that time, the cause was smooth and prosperous. I am the youngest university president in China, but there are often senior officials in Beijing and Shanghai who want to pull me into a higher power circle. It was easy at that time. As a result, there have been long talks and exhortations again and again. These senior officials later became very outstanding leaders. However, I understand the essence of my pen. Although I have the ability to continue to be the hammer of a bigger judge, I am obviously not willing.

So, I resigned in great consternation. I resigned 23 times before I was reluctantly approved. Then, I put on a thin gray cotton-padded jacket, went to the Gansu Plateau and began to visit the Tang Dynasty in the seventh century.

It took a long way to find historical sites in those days, and those roads were not easy. On the way to Yangguan, I bent down several times to see the ancient battlefield with dense graves and lost my old pen in my trouser pocket. That old pen is worthless, but it is it. Play around again and again before resigning. It always stubbornly tells me that it only wants to sign my name on the article, not on the document.

Since it is a bit important to me, I still searched for a while on the Shamian Plain. But the place is too empty and messy, of course, I can't find it. On second thought, I was relieved: this pen is an old friend who has accompanied me for a long time. From now on, it will accompany 1000 soldiers and frontier poets who were stationed in the distance more than 1,000 years ago.

My habit of checking is not to copy things on the spot, but to concentrate on writing behind closed doors after returning to the hotel that night. I remember that I lived in a very humble hostel for a long time in Lanzhou, and it was a long way to go to the toilet. Mr. Fan Kejun, an elderly local scholar, read many of my academic works. Seeing that my luggage was very thin, he sent me a ballpoint pen and two stacks of manuscript paper. This kind of ballpoint pen is thicker than the one I wrote for my father. It's just that the manuscript paper is too thin, so you should wear it as soon as you write. Be careful when you put pen to paper.

I wrote some short articles about my feelings during the day and sent them to my old classmate Li Xiaolin, who is the editor of Harvest magazine. The post office couldn't find it, so it was stuffed into an old gray-green mailbox on the side of the road. At this time, I think it is right for Mr. Fan Kejun to send me a thin manuscript paper. The manuscript paper is thin, and several articles can be stacked together to fit into that mailbox.

I wrote it and mailed it in time for fear of losing it on the way. In some places, you can't even find a roadside mailbox, so you can only take your written articles with you. Take it with you and ask that the thinner the manuscript paper, the better. So I got into the habit of using only thin manuscript paper. Even if you can use better manuscript paper in the future, you should choose thin manuscript paper. Now, the ballpoint pen that is easy to cut the manuscript paper needs to be replaced.

Of course, the most comfortable thing to write is the ink absorption pen. But this is very inconvenient for me, a frequent traveler, because I have to bring an ink bottle. Ink bottles are all made of glass, which are easily spilled and broken when caught in luggage. It is said that when Andersen used to travel, he would hang an ink bottle around his neck with a rope, so that the ink bottle would not spill or break. But I won't imitate him, because that is not only ugly, but also suspected of showing off my "big Mo Bao". When Andersen traveled, he carried a big circle of thick hemp rope on his shoulder so that he could sneak in from the window to escape when the hotel caught fire. It can be seen that he walked more troublesome than me, but I walked much farther than him and took much longer.

Later, after learning half of Andersen's, I took an ink bottle with me and didn't hang it around my neck. Choose a bottle with extra-thick glass and put a rubber ring on the tight end of the bottle. But it is still unsafe, because the bottle cap is easy to crack after several bumps. So add another stupid way, wrap a layer of plastic paper outside the bottle cap and wrap it tightly around it three times with thin hemp rope. The luggage is small, so put the ink bottle in the middle of the clothes.

If it is possible to publish the piles of thin manuscript paper I sent from Gansu roadside mailbox, it seems that there should be a general topic. Therefore, when I sent the third stack, I added a sentence at the back of the envelope: "Let's call it a cultural tour." After walking all the way, sleeping in the wind, covered in smoke, but always carrying the pen and the bottle of ink. I think it's time to say something to the pen, so I added the word "pen" to the title of the next episode, called "Notes on Mountain Residence".

six

Nothing is more difficult than the extreme terrorist areas in North Africa, the Middle East, South Asia and Central Asia.

I have written so many relics of Chinese civilization that I must look for other equally old or older civilizations for comparison. But that road is too steep, too difficult, too messy, too messy. I have to stick to the ground and can't fly, so I have to go through countless checkpoints. Checked and checked, waited and waited, turned and turned, asked and asked. They are asking me, but I never know where I can eat in front and where I can stay tonight. (Original Author: Yu) Because of the constant crisis every day, life is at stake, so you can't rely on memory afterwards. You must keep a diary that day. But where is the place to keep a diary? Next to abandoned trenches, on jeep wheels, under the scaffolding of sentry boxes. Now the pen is a problem again. Obviously, I can't bring an ink bottle. If I do this, those people will probably let me have a drink on the spot to see if there is any danger. They also carefully examined the ballpoint pen, twisted it and disassembled it to determine whether it was a special miniature pistol.

Fortunately, at this time, a light ink pen with a transparent plastic rod has become popular all over the world. A pen can write for days without absorbing ink. There is no supermarket or stationery store along the way, so I don't care what kind of small hotel people stay in. As long as I see this pen in the guest room, I will take it immediately in case I suddenly can't pick it up when I write a diary.

When I passed the long border between Iraq and Iran, Pakistan, Afghanistan and Nepal, the shadows were shrouded, the fortress was faint, the demon light was shining, and the guns were dense. I wrapped the written diary manuscript in a plastic laundry bag and held it on my chest, holding a fountain pen in my hand. I think I can still write even if people are caught and my luggage is taken away, and my pen and paper are still there. Of course, it's more likely that I won't write, so I'll try to leave myself one last chance and the pen one last chance.

I kept this scene of holding the manuscript tightly and holding the pen until I entered the Zhangmu port in Tibet from Nepal.

The fountain pen, together with a better pen that I had been hiding in my suitcase during the expedition, was quickly auctioned by a charity at a high price, and the proceeds were donated to the dairy supply agency for disabled children in Beijing.

Later, when I further studied the gap between China civilization and the world's modern advanced civilization, I also went to 96 cities in Europe. Although it is also very hard, the danger of hanging on the line is gone, and it is easier to get a handy pen along the way.

After I visited so many places in the world, many international institutions and famous universities have invited me to give keynote speeches since the United Nations. The so-called themes are mostly "Chinese civilization under the background of globalization", "contemporary world culture in the eyes of a China scholar", "50,000 kilometers and 5,000 years" and "the new crisis facing the world". Library of Congress, United Nations World Civilization Conference, Harvard University, Yale University, Columbia University, new york University, etc. They were also invited to give long-term lectures in Hongkong, Macau and Taiwan Province Province. I think, since so many pens have been used along the way, it is time to write the survey results systematically with better pens.

However, I never imagined that I met an unexpected situation.

seven

Just when I basically finished my long-term investigation of Chinese civilization and world civilization, the cultural pattern around me changed as a whole. To put it simply, the cultural theme composed of "reflection and innovation" was completely lost in the 1980s, and the dual structure of culture in the new century is actually composed of large-scale "piling up" and "slandering". The former flaunts "the quintessence of a prosperous country", while the latter flaunts "freedom of speech", which combines Chinese and western cultures and is full of high spirits. Of course, there are other cultures, but the most lively.

This dual structure makes my wife and I cornered. His wife Ma Lan, an excellent performing artist, was frozen by local officials because she refused a "most important party" nine times. As for me, I don't know why it became the first focus of cultural slander. The "Cultural Revolution School" and "Liberals" closely cooperated with the official media to spread rumors. Even if I am silent, I will always be in chaos. In other words, my husband and wife were just fired by the "dual structure". We are unwilling to ask for help from power, so we are doomed to nowhere.

Immigration is reasonable, but we have no conditions, so we can only escape to a city in Guangdong Province that hardly cares about culture and hide for many years. Nobody cares at home, but the international community has been eagerly looking for us and inviting speeches and performances. Taiwan Province Province regards me as the main spokesman of Chinese culture, and invited me very seriously. This makes me have a contradiction: should we continue to systematically explain China culture according to the results of risk investigation?

Is it the same old problem that I have encountered before: folding, discarding, destroying and burying pens, or picking up, holding, vibrating and erecting pens again?

In contrast, it is easy to deprive my wife of the right to perform, because she has left the creative group with strong geographical dependence; But it's not easy to deprive me of my pen, because it's just a personal insistence in the middle of the night, and there is no geographical restriction unless I feel bored.

Do you find it interesting? My wife looked at me silently again and again, and I shook my head again and again while playing with my pen. To explain China culture? Please look at the thousands of libel articles often published in newspapers and magazines. They are all written by China Chinese characters, China grammar, China evil spirits and China. Moreover, all libel crimes can be found out immediately with a little investigation, but in the past 20 years, no cultural institution or cultural group has conducted the slightest investigation and raised the slightest objection. These newspapers, institutions and organizations are not private.

Folk, not much better. My wife's audience, my own readers, has long been ahead of the country in number, and the popularity is even more difficult; But overnight, I heard that it was frozen by the government and besieged by the media. Everyone immediately changed their positions and looked forward to new fists in high spirits.

This is exactly the same as my observation of the people during the Cultural Revolution.

So, I just shook my head.

Then I suddenly found some strange materials, and I began to change my attitude. The first material told me that most of the operation centers I suffered from were actually the producers of the drama "New Seedlings in the Frontier" which was advocated by Shanghai several decades ago. The second material tells me that the planners of several other national rumors against me are also two leaders of the Shanghai rebel command. The third material tells me that in Shanghai, the people who actively respond to slander and rumors are mainly literati and their students who have been rejected by me as professors. Suddenly, it was connected. I'm just surprised that they are not young, but they are still so old and strong, like clouds.

These findings kept me silent for a long time. My father's ten years in prison, my uncle's third pulse, my family's near starvation, and my father-in-law's criticism in the street all come to mind. It turns out that whether I should pick up the pen again is not only related to my current situation, but also involves many time and space coordinates.

All cultural evils will destroy culture in a cultural way. Simply put, it is "grabbing a pen with a pen". Therefore, as a descendant of the poor elders, I should also shoulder the responsibility of protecting culture. Facts have proved that my guardian will not be accepted by contemporary China culture, but I can't just look at its face. Not only do you have to write, but you can also stop refusing international invitations to speak. Of course, I won't accuse my husband and wife of what happened, but when I make it clear by comparing the millennial context of China culture with that of Wan Li, maybe some Chinese and foreign readers will have a little doubt about the dual structure of culture formed by "gathering" and "slandering" in the past 20 years, and begin to realize that it may not be the true soul of China culture.

Therefore, I wrote it in earnest again. When writing, I set myself the strictest criteria: time is short, pen and ink are precious, and nothing can be wasted on refuting slander. (Original Author: Yu) So, night after night, in a secluded hut far away from many "cultural festivals", accompanied by my long-lost wife, I wrote a batch of books one after another. They are: The Context of China, What is Culture, The Way of a Gentleman, Teaching at Peking University, Extreme Beauty, A Brief History of My Family, and some of their first drafts, Searching for China, Rubbing the Ground and Lending My Life ... In addition, several China cultural classics have been selected, which have been translated into contemporary prose. The previous Collection of Prose on Great Culture and academic works have also been carefully sorted out.

At this point, I dare not say that I am worthy of China culture, but I dare say that I am worthy of my own pen. Of course, this pen is worthy of me.

I can also play a joke on the pen like an old friend: you have exhausted my life, but I have not wasted too much ink.

Not only did not waste too much ink, but also did not waste any social resources. None of these 20 books applied for a one-yuan grant. It is said that the country is rich now, and there are many such funded projects, such as scientific research funds, creative funds, project funds, academic subsidies, special funds for investigation, data fees, and additional funds ... each of which is staggering. I have never been polluted, only by a pen.

With a pen, everything is enough.

eight

At the end of this article, a memory suddenly popped up, and I found it interesting to say a few more words.

I remember that time when I traveled to Europe and crossed the English Channel by boat, I was caught in a big wind and waves, and all the passengers on board were swaying from side to side. Only I, born not seasick, still write in the coffee shop in the cabin. Two old English ladies, who were not seasick, found me with them and walked behind me happily holding the railing. After greeting them, I continued to bury myself in writing, and then two old ladies exclaimed, "Look! What beautiful Chinese characters! He can still hold a pen in such a big storm! "

The two old ladies don't know Chinese at all, so when they say beautiful or not, they just mean the neat arrangement of a strange writing mark, which is not enough. However, I really like their amazement. Yes, beautiful Chinese characters, such a big storm is still being written. Isn't all this symbolic?

I am a pen container, and I can write so much and neatly in the wind and rain.

The purpose of writing is not entirely for readers. After writing, a large part of it is for the wind and waves, for the boat and for the pen. Even for those foreign old ladies or grandfathers who are willing to appreciate the beauty of Chinese characters.

Actually, it's mainly for myself. Look at what the little boy who wrote to the villagers at the age of seven can write to the villagers after so many years. This young man who wrote "confession" for his father at the age of 20 can also "explain" something to the international community for China culture.

Looking at yourself is not obsessed with "I". It is to observe a state of life and whether it can be detached. This is the meaning of Buddhism. Therefore, I present a pen here.

Worship and sacrifice, recall and think, and cry happily.

Originally published in American Literature No.4, 20 14.

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Previous: Yu's reading practice and the answer of pen and ink sacrifice

Part II: Introduction and Notes of Yu's The Way of a Gentleman

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