"Distant Mountain Shadows": Don't let your original family become your complex!

How to kill the monster of the native family?

1.

The story in "The Shadow of the Distant Mountain" is a bit sad, mixed with a bit of horror.

After World War II, Japan was in a state of depression and silence. A mother longed for a new life through immigration, and a daughter hoped to stay in Japan and grow up stably. Their demands were completely contradictory, and one party always had to make a compromise.

In the end, after many struggles, the mother insisted on her choice - to immigrate with her daughter. The lonely daughter closed her heart and completely closed herself away from her mother, endured the pain in a foreign country, and finally chose to commit suicide.

Such a mother, in the words of netizens, is a terrible creator of the "original family". The “original family theory” seems to be very popular recently.

Like the daughter in the novel, children who are trapped in a bad family of origin are very sympathetic. However, the social environment in our country can provide very little support for such children. There is no effective means to intervene in a poor native family and help them adjust their situation. It is more likely to leave them to fend for themselves.

They seek psychological self-help, and many of them do so through the Internet. The Internet gives them an outlet to vent their negative emotions, and the definition of family of origin in psychology also points them in a direction.

By observing the complaints on the Internet, we can find that bad native families generally include parents who are overly controlling, have a weak sense of responsibility, favor sons over daughters, are highly partial, extract money from their children, verbally and physically violent, etc. (sexual Behaviors that are serious enough to be considered criminal offenses, such as intrusion and abandonment, are not discussed in this article).

The common family-of-origin theory believes that many of a person’s flaws and failures are rooted in the harm done to them by their family of origin: because of their parents’ neglect, they are sensitive and introverted; because of their parents’ abuse, they lack love and do not dare to have extravagant expectations. Marriage; because of the indifference of my parents, I don’t know how to interact with others.

For example, the famous domestic consultant Wu Zhihong is a representative who accuses bad native families. His book "Why Family Hurts People" explains in detail the impact of bad parents on children.

Those children who are trapped in their original families and are confused and unable to recognize themselves should be grateful to such scholars. They have helped people in darkness from a certain perspective and found a clue to the light. Like a drowning person finding a life-saving straw.

However, it has to be said that many people’s understanding of their original family goes beyond the normal range and goes to the other extreme - their original family has become an excuse for many people to escape life, and this Nothing can ruin a person more than a bad family.

2.

?

Can your family of origin really determine your life? Of course not! ! Because:

(1),

Some people’s native families are so bad that they still live a wonderful life.

For example, those poor children in the entertainment industry whose parents have squeezed their hard-earned money: Cai Shaofen, Angela Chang, Wu Qilong, Anita Mui, Ma Tianyu, etc. Their family environment is in a bad native family, and they are all below the average level. Compared with the family environment of many members of the Douban group "Both parents are a disaster", they are under greater pressure, but after going through the wind and rain, they still see the rainbow

So, the original family decided The theory is not established. Some people can get rid of the shackles of their original family, but you can't. Then you can't completely put all the responsibility for your failure on your parents, even though your parents may be very unreliable.

(2),

If the failures in life (such as failure in exams, failure in love, failure in marriage and other daily issues) cannot be entirely attributed to the unreliable family of origin, then Where to place the blame?

To borrow the words of the ancients, "the right time, the right place, the right people, and the right people." Gains and losses in life have their own innate and acquired factors. The family of origin is one of the innate factors and is influenced by the individual's family.

But each person’s role and success or failure in life are also affected by social environment and accidental factors. Many people’s dissatisfaction with their lives is purely blamed on their family of origin, which is a kind of prejudice.

For example, preference for sons over daughters is not only caused by parents’ own cognitive concepts, but also has a great connection with the stereotypes of the entire society; for example, partiality is related to human genetics and survival of the fittest or the instinct of sympathy for the weak; another example is children Events such as failure in exams are related to your own preparation level, physical and mental state, and even the quality of sleep last night. If you blame yourself for not being born in a good family every time you fail, then the family of origin is actually quite unfair.

(3),

If you seriously think about the influence of the family of origin, I think it does not affect the outcome of life events, but affects people's character to the greatest extent, but it also It's just an influence, not a decision!

For example, children who live in a family that pursues persecution education will naturally become sensitive and unconfident. Or, for example, children who live in an atmosphere of violent language will accumulate anger in their hearts and become aggressive. sex.

But do sensitive people and aggressive people have to be complacent or find it difficult to succeed? There is a set of "Harvard Happiness Class" on NetEase. The teacher who explains it, Dr. Tal, is a sensitive and shy person. His pace in class is very slow according to his personality. He even has to think for three seconds before saying a word, but he is still Ph.D. and offers courses.

No one’s character is perfect. Even if you contracted character flaws from your family of origin, this does not completely affect your pace. Just like the famous missing corner principle in psychology, missing corners will A rounded circle can also roll forward. Although it is slower, it will not stagnate.

Moreover, personality can be influenced by your family of origin, and of course it can also be influenced by other environments such as your work environment, school environment, all your experiences, the books you have read, and even your age. Personality is not Unchanging.

3.

Therefore, your family of origin cannot determine your life, nor can it be responsible for all your failures.

Of course, we cannot deny that a bad native family will affect this life, but we should not unreasonably extend this influence to all aspects of life, making it only responsible for the part it should be responsible for, and let you be responsible for You are responsible for your part.

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