Unspeakable love, unspeakable pain-rereading The Legend of 1900;

? What stopped me was not what I saw, but what I couldn't see.

1900 lives on the ocean-going luxury cruise ship Virginia and travels back and forth to Europe and America five times a year. For him, drifting at sea is the most familiar life.

Who is the mother? He doesn't know. Maybe for a short time, he snuggled up in his mother's warm body and sucked the sweet milk. Until one day, she got off the Virginia and 1900 was abandoned on board. He doesn't know what "mom" is. Maybe for him, mom is the best horse racing in the world, just like Daniel said.

Because there is no birth certificate and passport, 1900 has been hidden in a crowded and humid cabin by Daniel, afraid of being taken away by the immigration people. For 1900, the outside world is terrible. Looking out through the porthole, there is vast sea water outside, and sometimes blue-gray waves and huge waves can be seen. In his childhood, he had no normal residence, no streets, no squares, no schools, no flowers and trees, no playmates of his age, and even no love from women. He is familiar with cabins, portholes and boatmen. He grew up among a group of rough boatmen. 1900' s adoptive father Daniel has a strong appearance and a loud voice, but his eyes are full of love. He raised him like a gentle mother and taught him to read. Daniel died unexpectedly at the age of 8, and 1900 was abandoned again. His life is like the sea water outside the porthole, and the background color is gray. His surging emotions and thoughts can flow freely on the keys, but they cannot be expressed in words. He grew up in a group of coal miners with rough appearance and vulgar words, but he has a feminine appearance and melancholy temperament. He is emotionally rich and delicate, probably because he was abandoned twice. Unexpectedly, he got a kiss from God, and he has an extraordinary sense of music. His thoughts, what he saw and heard, flowed freely from his fingertips through notes, just like a painter on a canvas. Sometimes he uses music to take you across the ocean, through time and space, and into different worlds. Sometimes, he will accompany you here and now and tell you a little story of joy or anger, love or hate with notes.

When the cruise ship docked, all the passengers flocked with their American dreams. Only the man in his forties and fifties with the organ is still immersed in the music of 1900. He came up to 1900 and said:

I only know my own land. For me, the beginning and end of the world are in that small field. I have never been to the commercial street in the city.

Such a farmer, all his land dried up, his wife and priest ran away, and five children died of malaria. It should be said that fortunately, his little daughter is still alive. For her sake, the farmer decided to fight his bad luck. He travels aimlessly. Until one day, he passed by a town he had never been to and climbed a hill. Then he saw the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life-the sea. He has never seen the sea, and he feels like being struck by lightning. He heard the sound of the sea, as if shouting, loud and full of power. It kept shouting: You, you idiot, life is infinite. "Life is infinite." Men never thought it would be like this, and the waves rolled in their hearts. He suddenly made up his mind to change his life and start over.

Change your life and start over. This sentence deeply hit 1900.

1900 has never left the Virginia since its birth. Everything about Virginia is familiar to him, including familiar bands, familiar decks and cabins, familiar sea, and more importantly, familiar pianos and familiar 88 black and white keys. He has never left the cruise ship.

1900 soon heard the call of life: change your life and start over.

Jelly Roll Morton used 1900 to buy a round-trip ticket to Virginia for a duel with Jazz. 1900 listened to a cheerful and beautiful tune played by Jelly. It's probably the first time he heard such an excellent piano sound, and he applauded him sincerely. Jerry played the second song "Desire". He must have poured a lot of feelings into this song, as if telling people about past sufferings. 1900 felt all this, and he was moved to tears. In the third round, Jerry showed his piano skills wholeheartedly, and put too much arrogance and attack into the sound of the piano, which aroused 1900' s fighting spirit. 1900 won the third round with his amazing piano skills. Jerry's arrogance spread like soot on his leather shoes, and the next day he hid in the cabin until he got off the boat in despair.

The girl appeared. 1900 was playing the piano happily when the girl full of youthful breath approached his porthole and wiped her face against the reflective glass. 1900 saw the girl through the porthole. She stared at herself, her light blue eyes blinked gently, and there were drops of water hanging on her warm cheeks. Her pink lips blew gently out of the window, and her soft blonde hair stroked her cheeks in the sea breeze and the sound of the piano. The sound of the piano on the keys is full of tenderness and closeness, as if to say to the beloved girl, let me be close to you and let me touch your face, cheeks and hair. You are so close to me, but you can't see me You are outside the window, but your heart is far away. How can I get near you? How can I get near you?

This piano is written about such beautiful feelings and desires. This piano belongs to that girl, and no one can take it away. 1900 decided to give the record to the girl. But he never had a similar experience in the process of growing up, and his peers never experienced and encouraged, tried and frustrated themselves. He practiced in front of the mirror again and again: hi, miss, I want to give you a small gift. . . . . . He approached the girl again and again, standing not far from the girl, holding a record in his hand, but never knew how to speak. This attraction tormented him. He can't stand this torture. He sneaked into the girl's cabin late at night and risked kissing her while she was sleeping.

(There is a scene in the movie "Perfume" that is attracted by a girl full of youthful breath. Greenough Ye, the protagonist, was attracted by a red-haired girl selling plums, followed her all the way, and finally killed her by mistake. Greenow Ye is an abandoned child, abandoned by his mother in a stinky fish pile from the moment he was born. Although he was found and sent to an orphanage and survived, his life was never blessed or loved from the moment he was born. When he grows up, he doesn't know what love is. In his eyes, young and lively girls are only the objects that can make fatal temptations. Compared with him, 1900 is lucky. His family left him on the piano in the first class, hoping that he could be adopted by the rich in the upper class. Daniel, who adopted him, is also a warm and loving person, and there is no lack of strength. So in the eyes of Greenow Ye, those girls are all things that can be killed, and in the eyes of 1900, that girl is a gentle life that is respected and loved. )

When the cruise ship docked, 1900 rushed into the crowd again to give the girl the record, but he still didn't have the courage to give it away. The girl walked up to him, kissed him on the cheek easily, and invited him to be a guest at home.

This is the call of life: change your life and start over.

1900 finally decided to disembark. He put on the camel's hair coat sent by Max, said goodbye to the chef, boatman, sailor and band teammate on the cruise ship with tears, and then walked down the ladder. Walking in the middle of the boat ladder, he suddenly stopped. The voice from the unknown world, the sight of the unknown world, oppressed his high-rise buildings, and the call from life and the fear of the unknown world dragged him. He took off his hat and threw it to the land: Leave his fate to God! With his hat floating in the water, he breathed a sigh of relief, turned around and quickly returned to the boat. In the later days, he seemed to fall into another space, like living in four high walls, isolated from the outside world, not talking to many people, unhappy and angry.

Until the cruise ship was scrapped and the hull was about to be blown up, he still hid in a corner of the cabin and disappeared with the ship.

1900 said to Max: after all, I don't exist.

For anyone. You're the exception, Max.

It's just that the only call of friendship is too weak to resist the fear of the strange world. He finally chose to die with the ship.

1900 why can't I get off the boat?

What else attracts him on land? That girl, who may be married, is a woman and a mother, has long forgotten the casual invitation. There is nothing he wants in this land. He had no relatives, was abandoned by his parents since he was a child, and lost his adoptive father at the age of eight. All his contacts with people are in the boat, and the boat is everything to him. The ship was dissolved, all relationships were dissolved, and there were no partners. No one even thought that he would choose to stay on the boat. For people on land, he does not exist.

The unknown world is full of uncertainty, and it is a world out of control.

1900 said: oh, my god! Do you see those streets? There are thousands of streets alone! What should you do if you fall down? Which one do you choose to go? How to choose your own woman, a house, a piece of land, or choose a scenery to enjoy and choose a way to die.

The world is so heavy that it weighs on me. You don't even know where it ends. Aren't you afraid of falling apart?

1900 finally became a tragic figure. Aren't we just a 1900 in life?

If life didn't call you to change, would you take the initiative to change your life and start over?

Isn't your parents, your job, the city or country where you live, and even your family Virginia?

When children reach a certain age, they should leave their parents to seek development. If you don't feel safe enough and dare to explore, some people can't leave their parents and spend their whole lives with them.

When your job can't meet the needs of your development, do you dare to give up this job and move to a new city or even a new country to bravely start a new job or life?

Some people say: I got married in the hope that he could shelter me from the wind and rain, but I didn't expect that all the storms were brought by him. Some people's homes are already stormy and dilapidated, and they will collapse at any time, but they dare not take a step and still stay in such homes. They have neither the courage to repair, nor the courage to explore a new life, but simply escape. Isn't this home a shabby Virginia full of explosives?

1900 Afraid of separation and strange world, afraid to leave Virginia where she was born. He can't express his love all his life, and he has unspeakable pain all his life, that is, he is eager for intimacy, but he is afraid of intimacy.

As human beings, we are also afraid to leave everything we are familiar with, whether it is good or bad. It is also a challenge for us to set foot on a new land, try to associate with unfamiliar people and try a new way of life.

When you live on the Virginian, I hope you can also take steps, set foot on land and bravely start a new life.