Eighth grade first volume English 34 pages 2d translation

The Careless Professor

Professor Fielding has always been careless. His wife asked him to throw a bag of garbage into the trash can outside the building, but he confusedly carried it to the subway, then to the laboratory, and finally carried it back home.

The wife was surprised: "What are you carrying?" Fielding said: "Oh, I forgot to throw away the garbage."

The wife brought it over Look, I was even more surprised: "Where did you get back a pack of ham?"

Careless Professor

A professor always forgets three things, either his glasses case or Lost the cane. Especially

umbrellas. His wife had to buy one for him almost every month. The professor secretly made up his mind to be more careful in the future.

One day, the professor went out in the morning and came back in the afternoon. He said proudly to his wife: "Hey, Tao Lesai, I didn't lose anything today. I brought my umbrella back!" As he said, he

Hold out an umbrella. "Oh, look at you, you are such a careless person. You didn't bring an umbrella with you today!"

The wording is different

The cardinal's car was speeding away, and a policeman on a motorcycle caught up with him. He stopped. The bishop asked: "Is my car driving too fast?" Policeman: "No, Bishop. Your car is not driving too fast, it's flying too fast." "Too slow."

Hitchhiking

A naval officer stood next to the driver in a bus and did not sit down to avoid breaking the iron

Got to wear a crisp uniform. A drunk man got on the bus, walked up to the officer, pulled his sleeve, and said he wanted to buy a ticket. The officer ignored him. But the drunkard persisted, so the officer turned around and said: "Friend, I am not a conductor, I am a naval officer."

"Then", the drunkard replied, "take the boat Stop, I want to take a bus."

Answer

Customer: "Waiter, can you explain what happened to the flies in my soup?"< /p>

The waiter bent down and looked at it carefully and replied: "It's swimming, sir, it's swimming."

Wrong number

The lights in the cinema just turned off When the light went out, a thief put his hand into Rega's pocket, and was immediately discovered by Rega. The thief said: "I wanted to take out the handkerchief, but I took it out by mistake. Please forgive me!"

"It doesn't matter." Rhaegar replied calmly.

After a while, there was a "pop" sound, and the thief received a hard slap on the face.

"I'm sorry, I typed it wrong, a mosquito landed on my face." Rega said.

Mosquitoes with lanterns

Two Scottish immigrants who had just arrived in New York spent the night in a hotel. They were annoyed by mosquitoes all night.

They were very annoyed. The last one said: : "Santi, cover your head with the quilt, so mosquitoes can't bite us

." After a while, Sandy stretched out his head to breathe fresh air, and then he saw something he had never seen before

p>

He saw fireflies, so he shouted: "Oh God, it's no use covering your head. Mosquitoes are looking for us with lanterns

."

Snoring

As soon as it got dark, Little John’s father went to bed, and the loud and annoying snoring made Little John

unable to do his homework with peace of mind. "Hey! Wake up, wake up!" Little John shook his father hard.

He woke up.

"Bah, I just lay down, what are you yelling for?!" Old John lost his temper. "I saw that you snored

for two hours. You are really tired. I asked you to sit up and take a good rest."

Play water polo

An athlete went to eat and saw a large plate of soup on the table. There was only a string bean in it and nothing else. He immediately stood up and took off his clothes. When his companion asked him what was going on, he replied:

"I'm going to take off my clothes, jump into the plate, and play water polo with the beans."

Gangster 1< /p>

A death row prisoner asked the detective: "What time is it now?"% The detective yelled: "Death is imminent, why are you asking about the time!" The prisoner said: "This is My life event, remember this time is very important to me

"

Gangster 2

There was a gangster listening to the pastor's sermon.

The pastor said: "It is better to make one more friend than to offend one less enemy..."

"I don't have an enemy." The gangster said.

"It's amazing, why don't you have any enemies?" "I killed them all!"

Gangster 3

Tou'er went to the church to attend mass. The pastor asked: "What brought you here? You didn't steal any chicken steaks this week?" "No, you didn't steal any."

"The other chickens did. "Not stolen?" "No.

"

"Great, you are one step closer to God. "

Whisper: "If he asks me if I have stolen a duck, I am far from God. "

Gangster 4

The police asked a criminal who was about to be hanged what he wanted for breakfast? "Yes, I remembered it,

My favorite Eat peaches. "The criminal said.

"You know, it's winter now, there are no peaches! "The policeman said.

"It's okay, I can wait. "

Singular and plural

Teacher: "Nick, do you understand the singular and the plural?" "

Nick: "I understand. ”

Teacher: “Tell me, is ‘pants’ singular or plural?” ”

Nick: “The upper part is singular, the lower part is plural.” "

Worry

The wife said to her husband: "Every time you go out, I will be very worried. "Don't worry, my dear," her husband comforted her, "I will be back at any time." "That's what I'm worried about." "Withered

Eggs don't eat food

"A lioness gives birth to a lion cub, and the lion cub needs to eat; "A female dog gives birth to a puppy, and the puppy needs to eat;"

"..." The guy who was eating didn't think about it for three days in a row.

On the fourth day, he finally figured it out. That was what he saw with his own eyes, and it was a fact. He ran to tell the teacher: "Teacher, hens lay eggs, but the eggs don't eat!"

Of course

one person can only speak if he raises one "Of course" the parrot, so he decided to sell it. "How much does your parrot cost?" the buyer asked. "1,000 yuan." The seller replied. "Why is it so expensive?"

"My parrot is very smart!" "Parrot, are you smart?" the buyer asked. "Of course."

The buyer bought the parrot. When he found out that the parrot could only say "of course", he said angrily: "Only a fool would spend 1,000 yuan to buy a parrot like this." "Of course!"

The parrot answered.

Guide Dog

John was about to cross the road when he saw a blind man crossing the road with his guide dog.

When the light turned green, the dog did not lead its owner across the road, but peed on his owner's pants.

Unexpectedly, the blind man reached into his pocket and took a piece of biscuit to the dog.

John was surprised and said to the blind man: "If that was my dog, I would definitely kick its butt

." The blind man replied very calmly: " Yes, I want to kick it, but I have to find its head first

"

Unlucky

Miss Jenny came off the night shift and saw A man walked towards her with his hands spread wide. "Rogue!" Miss Zhanni scolded and kicked the man in the abdomen. There was a crash, and the man shouted: "Oh my god

That! I still can't get the third piece of glass home!"

Bumping into walls everywhere

A certain gentleman In the car, he politely asked the lady sitting next to him: "Would it bother you if I smoked a cigarette here?" The lady said to him kindly: "No, you are just as good as at home. "The gentleman immediately put the cigarette case back and sighed: "You can't smoke it anyway!"

Moral New Chapter

"Dad, what is morality? ?"

"What is morality? Wait, how to explain it? For example: Someone left Glick's wallet in the store. I picked it up. Should I keep the money alone, or should I share it equally with the salesperson? "

It's hard-earned.

The defendant promised his defense lawyer: "If you have the ability to make me stay in jail for only half a year, then you will get an additional 1,000 yuan in remuneration." The defendant finally got his wish.

While collecting the money, the lawyer said: "This is really a tricky job. Originally, the judges wanted to acquit and release."

It was hard-won.

A man invited his friends to his house for dinner. The friend asked: "Are you sure your wife knows I'm going to have dinner?"

"Of course I do. I argued with her all afternoon about this matter!"

Waiting for the cat to catch the mouse

Man: "Madam, I accidentally stepped on your cat while walking. I will get one for you right now

Come on, okay?"

Female: "You have to hurry up, there's a mouse in the kitchen right now.

"

The third possibility

The nurse said to the mother: "Your husband called and asked if he gave birth to a son or a daughter. "Please ask him, is there a third possibility?" "...

Telephone

In 1876, Alexander G. Bell was patented

for a device that transmitted sound through wires. Eight years later, A farmer in California went to the telephone station to try this new gadget for the first time.

He first scribbled a few words on the paper, rolled up the paper, pushed it into the microphone with a pencil, and then put it into the microphone.

After waiting for a response for a long time, the farmer crumpled the paper into a ball and threw it into the handle.

There was still no movement from the phone. The farmer was very disappointed and left cursing. The staff opened the damaged phone and found the piece of paper, which read: Order a wrench from a store. .

Phone

A man called home at work.

An unknown woman answered the phone. The man said, “Who are you? "I'm the maid here." "The woman replied.

"We didn't hire a maid. "The mistress of this room sent for me this morning." "

"Oh, then I am her husband. Is she there? "But...she and a man who I thought was her husband were in the room upstairs...doing...doing...something that couples can do." The man was very angry after hearing this. He said to the maid, "Listen, do you want to make $50,000?" "I want you to take out the gun from my desk and kill those two adulterers and whores!" "The maid put the phone down

.

The man heard footsteps, then two gunshots.

The maid came back and picked up the phone.

p>

“What should I do with the body? "Throw them into the pool." "What swimming pool?" ""ah? ...Hmm...is this phone number 2621-5656?

TV Bug

Ferguson especially likes to watch TV. When students look for him in their free time, they will see him sitting there nine times out of ten.

In front of the TV, so everyone calls him the "TV bug".

No, when the astronomy teacher announced in class: "I suggest you watch the lunar eclipse tonight." Ferguson immediately asked: "What channel?"

p>

TV Junk

Uncle Martin's chattering parrot is sick. Not eating or drinking. I took it to the vet, and after diagnosis, there was nothing wrong with it. The veterinarian asked Uncle Martin if there had been any major accidents at home that upset the parrot. Martin said the only thing that happened was the television was taken in for repair.

"Get it back quickly," the veterinarian said.

Sure enough, as soon as the TV was brought back, the parrot's appetite recovered.

Store Rules

Manager: Remember, the rule in this store is - the customer is always right. Now tell me, what did that gentleman say just now?

Clerk: He only said one thing - your manager is a big idiot.

Fishing

Patrolman: Fishing is prohibited here, fine is 20. Angler: I am not fishing, I am teaching earthworms to swim

Patrolman: Really? Let me see.

Angler: Look.

Patrol: Naked swimming, fine 50.

Change it

The future father-in-law said to Pierre: "I agree to marry my daughter to you, and I will give you the dowry of 60,000 marks

You deposit it in the bank."

Peel said sadly: "You'd better give me 60,000 marks and deposit your daughter in the bank."

Quilt folding

Instructor: Kameda, why are your quilts always worse than Yamamoto’s?

Kameda: Sir, Yamamoto was making tofu before joining the army, and I was making Hanamaki steamed buns before joining the army

Matador

A matador was drinking in the countryside. His friends advised him not to drink too much, but in order to show off his talent, he drank until he was shaking

and was shaking and unable to control himself. , and then took a shortcut to the arena, where a bull was already lying on the arena. The bullfighter immediately lay down on his horns and fought fiercely with the bull, and finally the bull fled. Afterwards, the matador followed his friends

and said, "I did drink a little too much just now, otherwise I would have to drag the kid off the bicycle

!!"

Reading to cure diseases

A: "Where have you been in the past few years?"

B: "Go to medical university."

A : “Then your illness must be cured.

"

Gambling

Four gentlemen got together to gamble. Before they started gambling, they said to John: "Go and see if there are any policemen outside the door.

. "

John stayed for ten full minutes before he ran in panting and said: "There are no policemen outside the door, so I went to the police station to call one! "

Object

I come to you to propose to your daughter, said the young suitor.

Have you spoken to my wife? ? asked the father.

Yes, but I would rather marry your daughter.

A swimmer crossing the English Channel. When he landed, many cheering people surrounded him. A Jew came up and asked puzzledly: "Don't you know there are ships sailing here?" "

The more the merrier

A speeding car was stopped by a police patrol car. The police took notes and said to the driver;

"You will get a speeding ticket. A citation because you were driving over sixty miles per hour. "The driver immediately said:" Mr. Police Officer, could you please write one hundred miles? You know, I'm about to sell this car

! "

Many years later

She (gently): "Dear, when did you first realize you fell in love with me? "

He (angrily): "When people say you are stupid and ugly and I start to go crazy! "

Vicious slander

A plump woman came to the court and sadly asked the judge:

"If a person goes around saying that I am a hippopotamus, Can I sue him for malicious libel? "

The judge said: "Of course, when did he think you were a hippopotamus? "

"He has often said this to everyone since three years ago. "

"What? Since three years ago? So why are you just thinking of suing now? ”

“Yesterday, I went to the newly built wildlife park to see what a hippopotamus looks like. ”

The big mouth of the crocodile

The zookeeper stood in front of the crocodile with its mouth open and kept looking into his mouth

.

Tourists passing by asked: “What happened to the crocodile? "The administrator said: "It's not clear yet. After the doctor went into his mouth, he didn't come out for half an hour. ”

Crocodile leather shoes

Customer: “I want to buy a pair of crocodile leather shoes.” ”

Shop assistant: “Okay, ma’am, what size shoe should your crocodile wear?” ”

Loving couple

Once upon a time, there was a king who occupied a city. Before entering the city, he issued an order: All women in the city are exempt. If Yu Yi dies, they can carry their most valuable things out of the city before dawn tomorrow, and the king guarantees their safety. At dawn the next day, every woman in the city is seen carrying < on their backs. /p>

A heavy burden, one by one, sweating profusely and out of breath, they walked out of the city gate.

It turned out that what they were carrying was theirs. Husband.

Knowledge for Children

The wife of a drama director from Delhi Radio took her child to the zoo. Suddenly, the child

saw a fat and fat animal. The big cat asked: "Mom, is this a husband or a wife?" "

The director's wife was embarrassed and didn't know how to answer the child's questions. At this time, the child made his own judgment: "Mom, I understand. This cat is the husband! "

"Why? "My mother asked in surprise.

"I gave it a hard squeeze just now, but it didn't scream or jump. It just lowered its head and remained silent

. ”

Pay the bill with a slap

Moloko had a delicious lunch in the hotel and had to pay one ruble, but he didn’t even have a kopeck

, so he asked the shop owner: "Please tell me, if someone slaps someone else here and the lawsuit goes to the court, how much fine will he be fined?" "

"I think, five rubles! "

"Okay," said Moloko, "please give me a slap in the face and give me the remaining four rubles

"

Invention

The Italians said to the Jews: "We found cables under ancient Rome, which shows that our ancestors invented the telephone. fast. ”

Jew: “Then do you know what was found in Jerusalem?” ”

Italian: “What?” Jew: "Nothing found." "

Italian: "Huh?" Jew: "That shows that our ancestors have invented wireless electricity.

"

The Mystery of the Code

"Qiong Yinai, you have studied in law school, can you tell me what the Talmud is?

" Schmuel asked.

"I would like to give an example to explain. Schmuel, I want to ask you a question: Two Jews fell out of a tall chimney. One of them was covered in soot, while the other was very dry.

< p> Clean, then who should wash themselves?

"Of course it's the one who got dirty!" "

"Wrong! The man looked at the person who had not stained his body and thought: 'My body must be clean

. ’ And when people with average bodies see people covered in dust, they think they may be dirty too. So

he wants to take a bath. ——Now I want to ask you the second question: They both fell into the tall chimney again

Who should take a bath? ”

“Now I know, the person with the average award! "

"Wrong! When the person with the average award took a bath, he found that he was not dirty; on the contrary, the person who made his body dirty

On the contrary, he understood why the person with the average award wanted to take a bath, so he also went to wash it.

I now ask you a third question: He fell down the chimney for the third time - who will

take a bath? "

"Now, of course, the one who takes a bath is the one who got himself dirty! "

"Wrong again! Have you ever seen two people fall out of the same chimney, one clean and one dirty? You see, this is the mystery of the Talmud. "

Legal Basis

Bedya was cited for calling others pigs. As a result, the court ordered him to be fined seventy rubles.

"This is so unfair Got it! Biejia screamed in grievance, "The last time I called someone a pig, I was fined thirty rubles!" ”

The judge shouted plausibly: “Don’t you know that the price of pork has already increased?” "

Rebuttal

Klaus staggered out of the hotel drunkenly. "Oh my god", said his friend Sol standing at the door

Ci shouted, "You have your hat on backwards!" "Why are you wearing it backwards?" "

Klaus retorted, "You have no idea which direction I want to go! ”

Against marriage

An old man fell in love with a beautiful young girl, but the old man was not willing to marry her anyway.

My dear, I can’t marry you, he said to her gently, my father and mother would object.

What! Are your parents still alive at this age? < /p>

No, it’s not, he corrected: I meant my father’s timing and my mother’s nature.

Think about it instead

“If your income is equal to There are as many as the God of Wealth, what will you do? "

"If the God of Wealth earns as much as me, what will happen to him? "

Reaction

One day, Joe walked into the classroom. All his hair was standing tall and straight. The teacher asked what was going on. Joe said:

'This is hairspray. 'The next day, Joe walked into the classroom with a bright head. The teacher asked: 'This is my father's reaction to hairspray.'

Different methods

At the product sales meeting, the sales were extremely discouraging, and the manager scolded us sales staff: "I've seen and heard enough of your poor work. levels and reasons. If you are not up to the job, someone will take your place and sell these valuable products that each of you should be proud of. Then, he said to his new employee, a retired football player: "What happens if a football team can't win?" Team members have to be replaced, right? ! After a few seconds of silence, the former football player replied: "Actually, sir, if the whole team is in trouble, we usually just get a new coach."

Slogans on the roof

A film studio built next to the airport, in order to avoid the interference of the sound of airplanes, wrote on the roof

A large sign: "Quiet Please!" Each letter is eight feet square.

As a result, this slogan brought more noise, because the pilots all wanted to see clearly what was written on the top of the room.

They flew the plane as fast as they could. Lower.

Fee

The hotel customer asked the manager: "What's going on with the money for fruits every day? We have never touched those

those fruits." But there is fruit in your room every day. If you don't eat it, you can't blame us." "I understand," the man said, deducting one hundred and fifty yuan from the bill.

"What are you doing?" the manager shouted anxiously.

"I will deduct fifty yuan a day as the cost of kissing my wife." "What did you say? I have never kissed your wife." "Ah, "The man replied, "But she is there every day..."

Angry Dog

When the clothing store manager came back from lunch, he found that the clerk's hand was wrapped in a bandage , before he asked, the clerk told him a very good news.

"Guess what happened, manager," the clerk said, "I finally sold that ugly suit that I've been sitting on here!"

"Isn't it that terrible pink double-breasted suit with blue stripes?"

"That's the one."

"It's too "Great!" the manager yelled, "I always thought we couldn't get rid of that monster suit. It was the ugliest thing we ever got. Oh, by the way, what happened to your hand." "Why are you wearing a bandage?"

"It's no big deal," the clerk said. "After I sold that suit to that guy, he

The guide dog jumped on me and bit me hard."

Angry Robber

The owner of the small shop was picked up from the bed by a robber with a hand in his hand. Sharp blade, evil

He threatened fiercely: "Hand over all the money."

The little boss said aggrievedly: "There is really no way, your colleagues came last night The money was taken away"

The robber shouted angrily: "Why don't you lock the door?"

风流

Before the masquerade party, the wife suddenly felt unwell, so she asked her husband to attend the party alone. Later, the wife felt better, so she put on a dress that her husband had never seen before, and drove to the dance. As soon as she walked in, the wife saw her husband flirting with other women. She couldn't help but feel jealous and decided to test her husband.

She walked up to her husband, spoke coquettishly, and threw herself into his arms. Finally, he was lured to the back garden to have a romantic time. At midnight, when everyone was about to take off their masks, the wife quietly left. And her husband didn't come back until three in the morning. "How was the dance?" asked the wife. "It's not fun at all," the husband replied. "What on earth did you do there?" the wife asked again and again. "To tell you the truth," said the husband, "When I got there, I saw several friends without their wives, so we just played cards in the study. "Have you been playing cards all night?" screamed the lady. "Yes, but I lent my costume and mask to another old friend. At the end of the dance, the guy actually boasted to me that this was The most wonderful night in his life!"

Rheumatism patient

Patient: "Do you remember? You saw me for rheumatism last year and you asked me to avoid eczema< /p>

Wet."

Doctor: "Yeah. What do you want to see now?"

Patient: "I want to know if I can take a shower now. ?"

Division of labor between husband and wife

Tomu said to his friend: "Pierre, we have a division of labor at home. I take care of a few things, and I

Mrs. She also takes care of several things." "Tomu, what are you in charge of?" "I take care of the children and the servants." "What about your wife?" "She takes care of the money and me! ”

Capture his son

The beautiful Egyptian female spy returned from Israel and reported to the Cairo headquarters. "I got General Dai Yang's latest attack plan. This plan was stolen from his desk. Not only that, I also captured his Son..." "Great!" the Egyptian general shouted, "Where is he? We will interrogate him immediately." "No!" said the female spy, "We have to wait another ten months. ”

Children of parents

During Clinton’s visit to the UK, he met Mrs. Thatcher and Jeffrey. Hao waited for *** to have dinner. To liven up the atmosphere, Mrs. Thatcher asked Jeffrey. Hao: "Your parents have a child who is neither your brother nor your sister. Who is he (she)?" Hao laughed and replied: "It's me, Hao. ." Clinton felt very interesting. After returning to the White House, he asked Christopher: "Your parents have a child who is neither your brother nor yours. Sister, who is it?" Christopher couldn't answer. Clinton

Laughed proudly: "That's Hao."

Father and daughter share the same fate

The father asked Natasha: "Did you do anything yesterday?" Where did you go during class? "

"Went to the opera with a classmate," Natasha answered without any hint of concealment.

"How can I go to the opera during study time?" my father said angrily.

"Yesterday was not your day off, but I saw you sitting in front of me in the theater."

Farewell to my father

"Baron Rothschild, What is the difference between Emperor Wilhelm II and Tsar Nicholas II?

"

"Yes, Rothschild had a wealthy father; Wilhelm II had a A father who was full of crimes

Tsar Nicholas II had a murderous father."

Father and Son Letters

Harry gave his father in boarding school. He wrote a letter with only six words:

"No money, no interest. Son." A week later, he received a reply, the content of which was:

"Too many Poor, so sad. "Father."

Follow-up consultation

Pierre knew that the initial consultation cost three yuan, but the follow-up consultation only cost one yuan.

So he walked into the clinic and said to the doctor: "Here I am again."

The doctor looked at him and said, "Just take the medicine prescribed last time. "

Dry Cleaning

The professor was sitting in the bathtub. His wife asked strangely: "Why are you taking a shower with your clothes on?" The professor then realized that he was wearing clothes. Before taking off his clothes, he was about to jump out, but suddenly calmed down: "It's okay,

Thanks to me I forgot to put water in the tub beforehand."

I will accept my punishment< /p>

"Blau, if I pour a can of water on you, your clothes won't get wet, do you believe it?"

"Nonsense, how is this possible!"

"How about we bet one crown?"

Glenn brought a can of water and poured the water on Blau's head. Blau hurriedly shouted: "Stop, stop." ,

Stop! My clothes are soaked!”

“Then let’s count it as defeat!”

Sigh

After watching the TV movie describing the story of the inventor Edison, the wife said to her husband: "Dear

Dear, if Edison had not invented the electric light, then we would still be watching TV with candles.

"

Thank God

The pastor said to the farmer who bought his horse and carriage: "This horse only understands the language of the church: barking

p>

"Thank God" it ran away, and "Praise God" it stopped." The farmer who bought the horse was doubtful,

He tried to shout "Thank God", and the horse He immediately started running faster and faster. Only when he reached the edge of the cliff did the frightened farmer remember the command to stop, "Praise God." Sure enough,

the horse stopped, and the farmer who escaped death let out a long sigh: "Thank God..."

Golf

An elderly man But golf enthusiasts who were still energetic went to the wizard and asked if there was a golf course in heaven. The wizard said that he would check it out and give him an answer the next day.

The next day, the old man came again. The wizard said: "I got both good news and bad news."

The old man said: "Tell me the good news first." "There is a wide golf course in heaven" Wizard

Say. "The court is paved with green lawns and equipped with the best equipment." The old man then asked: "Tell me the bad news now."

"The wizard said: "It's your turn to serve at ten o'clock next Sunday morning! ”