Short story

I saw darkness in the brightly lit world. So, I decided to travel far.

In October, I arrived in an unknown village. Here I try to find peace. After experiencing distant mountains and rivers, my heart lost its thirst. At this moment, I don’t need to meet anyone or look forward to anyone. It feels so good.

There are no hotels here, let alone bustling industry and commerce; there are only old people who retain traditional farming methods, and some young children.

Rented a small courtyard. I heard that the owner of the courtyard has been away for more than ten years and his family has moved to Shanghai. I didn't see the owner, so I transferred the money and the contract through WeChat, so I became the new owner here.

After simple repairs, it is ready for habitation. After experiencing some past events, I no longer have too high requirements for the environment, which is already good.

My name is Lisa, this is my fourth year after graduating from Southwest University, and I resolutely resigned. Now I am 27 years old and alone. I am determined to stay away from the past and go to a place where no one knows me. I don’t have to meet anyone or expect anyone.

Some people say that loneliness is a high-end drink. I am afraid of loneliness, but I enjoy it. That's what I am, a lonely contradiction. Walking in this beautiful world, a person passes away quietly.

Regarding "pass away quietly", I only have the courage to disappear behind the familiar face, but I don't have the courage to disappear into this world.

People are always willing to miss the good and ignore the pain. My memories mainly focus on the period from elementary school to college - from the age of 6 to 23, from the ignorance of childhood to the resentment of youth to rapid adulthood. Time flies, and those vague memories that pass by are collected by me one by one, together with the past.

There is a boy, I have even forgotten his name.

We were together for six years when we were in primary school. When I was about to graduate, I told him that after graduation I would go to the junior high school affiliated with the county No. 2 Middle School. He was confused. I don't know why he was confused. I just want him to know where I am, I just don't want him to forget me!

After graduation, we never saw each other again and stayed away from each other. But now I think of him, and it feels so strange.

When you have nothing to do, remove the weeds in the yard bit by bit and plant some flowers that are easy to survive.

In the afternoon, a text message on the mobile phone showed that new money was credited to the account. After reading the notes, it is an achievement reward. It's a wonderful thing. It has been three months since I resigned, but I didn't expect that the school would still transfer this money to me.

I used to be a teacher. When I decided to resign and stay away from this industry, I received a little money in return from a teacher. I think I have become a very tacky person. Because of this money, I suddenly don’t have so much resentment towards my former career.

I said before that I would never regret my decision. Now, in a village where no one knows me, I suddenly feel that being a teacher is actually quite good. Does this count as regret?

I remembered what that person said in a certain article: There is dirt in this world. As long as your heart is clean, there will not be so much black and white.

His name is Yaliu. I have even forgotten his original name. This is his pen name. Among the books that have stayed with me for many years, there are several magazines with this name on them.

I think his heart should be extremely clean!

Winter is gone and spring is coming, and spring is warm and flowers are blooming.

In this way, I spent the bleak autumn days and endured the freezing cold winter alone in this courtyard. Spring is finally here, and the flowers in the flower beds are in full bloom. I really can't be a refined person. These flowers and plants grew naturally, and I made them into a messy mess.

On the phone, Li Xiao's profile picture flashed. Li Xiao was my college classmate and roommate. We had almost no contact after graduation. I picked up the phone in surprise. She said on the phone: Sisters, come and pick me up, I’m coming to your school!

I asked her what was going on. She said that she was admitted to the school I went to before I resigned. I could only tell her calmly: I resigned and left Bincheng for several months.

Li Xiao said to me in disbelief: You actually resigned. Many people who want to go to such a good school cannot go. Where are you now? I came to play with you!

I sent her the location on WeChat, but I was sure she wouldn’t come. So, I said provocatively: Come on, I'll wait for you!

A few minutes later, I saw her on WeChat and said: Damn, it’s so far and so remote. I am even more certain that she will not come.

So, this thing that I didn’t take to heart was quickly forgotten, and the days were still calm and calm.

I cherish these clean years, when I can be alone and peaceful, without having to meet anyone or look forward to anyone. Regarding the memory of that school, I tried hard not to recall it. Staying away is the best farewell.

This kind of time is relaxing and leisurely. I live very lazily. This is a feeling of freedom that I have never had before.

I don’t know if my childhood is considered repressed. I don’t even know if I had a childhood.

My parents separated when I was very young. Dad has gone to a very far away place and he is no longer in my memory. My mother teaches in County No. 2 Middle School, ten kilometers away from Bincheng.

Before the age of six, they were probably together, but the constant quarrels and the constant breaking of pots and pans at home made me deliberately forget this memory. So as long as I can remember, I followed my grandmother.

Grandma is also a teacher, and she has been teaching in that remote village for decades. I followed my grandmother in primary school, and I walked behind her in constant wind and rain.

When I was a child, I always wanted to grow up quickly so that I wouldn’t have to drag my grandmother down when I grew up. Grandma said: Study hard so that your mother will be happy and you can be closer to her. I don’t know if I work hard. Before the sixth grade, I almost always ranked first in the class. But every time she saw her mother, she was still unhappy.

In that remote primary school, there were fewer and fewer people in the class. They don't have bright clothes or delicious food, but I envy them, at least their parents are with them.

But I am just one person, and I always seem particularly lonely. So I worked really hard to set my own small goals, and I had a different sense of maturity than them.

There is a person who is just like me - his parents work outside all year round. His eyes are downcast and his heart is soft. In my heart, he is my best friend. Although we don't talk much, most of our interactions are focused on discussions of some application questions and rankings after the exam.

He has yellowish hair just like me.

Like me, he is nostalgic for the past and sad for the autumn.

We were together for six years when we were in primary school. When I was about to graduate, I told him that after graduation I would go to the junior high school affiliated with the county No. 2 Middle School. He was confused. I don't know why he was confused. I just want him to know where I am, I just don't want him to forget me!

I have not thought of these things for many years. Long-lasting memories are more likely to touch those soft nerves, making people unable to get out of them for a long time.

During these days, I gradually learned to use words to record my emotions. So I will think of him and our childhood; I will think of his words and the feeling I felt when I was chasing his words in high school.

I don’t know if his choice of majoring in Chinese language and literature had anything to do with it. At least, during this period of healing, I had the same hobbies as him.

The articles I write will be posted on a literary APP. A few years ago, I would never have thought that as a girl who graduated from the Chinese Normal University major, one day I would hide in a small village where no one knew me, write some words of self-pity, and live a desire-free life. The life you seek.

In the past few days, there have been some comments after my articles, some of which are heart-warming, and some of which make me laugh. I rarely reply, but my heart is filled with joy. I finally understood why he was so obsessed with words.

However, I have no news about him. I have never heard from him since high school. It's like he evaporated from my world and only exists in my memory. Actually, that's fine.

I suddenly remembered that among the pile of magazines on my bookshelf, there was a letter that I wrote to him but did not send.

April, Qingming Festival.

My mother called me and asked me if I wanted to go back to pay homage to my grandma. I said: I'd better not go back. If I go back, it will make my grandfather feel uncomfortable, and my uncles will have to worry about my future. My mother sighed on the phone, as if talking to herself: Take care of yourself, and my mother can't go back.

After that incident, my mother felt quite guilty towards me. She always felt that she had influenced my decision, and she was ultimately hurt. Over the years, my mother has lived with others, and we have been together less and more apart, even if we are in the same city. I understand her helplessness, so apart from pretending to be her in my heart, I rarely disturb her life.

When I packed up my mood, I had a cup of tea and a book in the courtyard, enjoying the gentle afternoon time alone. I heard a familiar voice coming from outside the courtyard, and when I looked around, it turned out to be her.

Li Xiao dragged his tired body and looked embarrassed, but he was extremely happy the moment he saw me. She shouted: It's so difficult for me to find you. Look who I brought to you!

Following her instructions, I saw a man not far behind her. He is Yan Hao. When he was a sophomore, he confessed to me, but we have been friends for two years.

Li Xiao hurriedly took a bath. During this period, Yan Hao was drinking tea alone in the courtyard, looking a little nervous. Li Xiao and I were talking to each other in the attic.

I asked Li Xiao: How did you meet him?

Li Xiao: A few days ago, I was chatting on WeChat and accidentally mentioned you, and he followed me. You heartless person, I have been chasing you for six years. The other person is pretty nice. Anyway, you are still single now, so think about it.

Me: What are you considering? I have no feelings for him and can only be friends.

Li Xiao: That’s why I said you are so boring. You need so many feelings. He has good conditions and is devoted to you. I have agreed to it a long time ago.

Me: Then you agree, I am completely desperate for feelings, just let me die alone!

Li Xiao: Go and die, you will still be alone! Don't talk about him anymore. Tell me about your job, why did you suddenly quit? When I go to school, those people deliberately avoid talking about you. What happened?

Me: I don’t want to mention this anymore. How are you? What grade are you in now?

Li Xiao: I found out when I went there that I was actually there to replace you. It was because you resigned that you hired me. Probably the work I'm doing now is what you did before, and I'm teaching the same two classes you did before. The students miss you very much. Knowing that you and I are classmates and best friends, they all clamor for me to tell stories about your past.

Me: Thank you for telling me this. I would like to warn you, stay away from Wu Yuanli and never provoke him.

Li Xiao's heart was full of questions, but she saw that I was not in the right mood, so she didn't continue to ask, and just nodded obediently.

In these three days, my courtyard has finally gained popularity.

Li Xiao was very interested in my flowers and plants. She bought tools from the market and decided to help me take care of them. I have no problem with that. This woman is carefree, but she strives to improve herself and the environment around her.

She said I still need a puppy in my small yard. I can't do this well. I can barely take care of myself, let alone small animals. Li Xiao said that she would definitely bring a dog here during her summer vacation. I believe this.

In contrast to Li Xiao is Yan Hao. He seems to be uncomfortable here and talks very little. He is completely different from what he was like in college.

I remember that summer, Yan Hao stood downstairs in my dormitory, holding flowers in his hands, greeting every sister in my dormitory, but ignoring me. Just when I was wondering who he was going to confess to, he suddenly walked up to me and said loudly: Lisa, I like you, can you be my girlfriend?

I neither refused nor agreed. Amid the crowd's cheers, I took the flowers and told him: Isn't it more comfortable to be a friend than a girlfriend? Then I turned around and left, leaving him alone and messy in the wind.

I met him half a year ago.

In an elective class, he sat next to me and asked me if I could borrow something with a silly smile. At the end of class, he asked for my QQ number on the pretext of returning my pen. I knew this was a very clichéd way, so I didn't expose him and just wrote down a number I didn't usually use.

He has slender fingers, clean face, and handsome appearance, which is what many girls like.

After that, he often came downstairs to my dormitory. When he met me, he would give me some gadgets. I was at a loss for words about his enthusiasm. It wasn't until he gradually got acquainted with the sisters in the dormitory that I kept in touch with him.

It wasn’t until he finally confessed to me that I suddenly realized that he had been surrounding me for the past six months. I have a natural fear of relationships. He was nice, but not the kind that impressed me.

I was really scared that day. I tried to calm down. He is a very good person, so I can't hurt him. I just said to him: Isn’t it more comfortable to be a friend than a girlfriend?

I think he understood what I meant. In the days that followed, he stayed with me as a friend, neither far nor near. I was very touched.

When I graduated, I had been admitted to the best high school in Bincheng. He stayed in Chongqing because of his family.

On the day I left, he came to see me off. I looked at the retreating scenery and the people dissipating outside the window, and felt a sense of sadness in my heart.

As the car drove out of the station, I saw him standing on the overpass waving his hands at me. He shouted something, but I didn't hear it through the car window. The speed of the car was getting faster and faster, and his figure was getting further and further away, and finally disappeared around the corner.

After that, my work became increasingly busy. He occasionally calls me, and sometimes I receive it, and sometimes I don't. Time flies and the busy work makes me almost forget his existence.

Until, we no longer contact you. Until, I fell into one trap after another.

Three days later, Li Xiao and Yan Hao were leaving.

Li Xiao hugged me and cried till the pear blossoms were wet with rain. In fact, she is not an emotional person. I think she probably brought out all the grievances and difficulties she felt at work on me. I patted her shoulder and said in her ear: Stay away from Wu Yuanli and don't provoke him. I felt her nod.

After a long time, she cried and laughed out loud. She said: You are doing well here, waiting for me to come during the summer vacation.

I read the sincerity in her words. The relationship between people is so wonderful. During the four years of college, we lived together almost every day, but our relationship was neither far nor close. And in just three days, our friendship suddenly sublimated and we cared deeply about each other.

I smiled and said to her: Well, you are fine too, I will wait for you to come!

I put my four years of lesson preparation records and some teaching insights in her box. I hope she can use it, and I hope I can say goodbye to the past completely.

In the afternoon after they left, I received a text message from Yan Hao.

He said: I haven’t seen you for many years. I don’t know what you have been through. I am sorry for not being by your side. When I left, I was very sad. I had so many things I wanted to say to you, but I couldn't say them out. I haven't been by your side these years, but I miss you so much. I still can't control my feelings for you. I love you. Can you accept me?

I paused. The past came back to me.

He is really good. Logically speaking, I should accept him. He is sunny and clean, he was born in a happy family, he is handsome, and he is good enough to me. Aren't these reasons enough?

But, why am I hesitating? I think maybe he is really too good and I don't deserve his goodness.

I replied in the text message: Sorry, I can't accept you. It's my fault that I didn't clearly reject you all these years. You are very good, but I don’t deserve to have you.

Yan Hao: Have you always pretended to be a perfect person in your heart, so no matter how hard I try, I can't impress you?

Me: I can’t accept you, not because I have a perfect person living in my heart. It's because I just can't think of the perfect person as you.

Yan Hao: Thank you. In fact, this is my last effort. My parents have urged me countless times. There is a colleague at school who is very nice to me. I’m sorry that I can’t wait for you!

Me: I bless you.

I looked at the text message sent and felt disappointed. The man who loves me will never come again!

My life is back to normal.

Tap on the keyboard occasionally and write some text. Most of the time I read and be in a daze. There was really nothing to do, so I opened up the open space at the door and scattered some vegetable seeds. I don't have to expect them to grow, just let them happen.

Just like this, after more than twenty days, they grew lush and green. This gave birth to a small joy in my heart.

There is also a small surprise, which comes from the APP where I often post. After my articles, there will always be a reply that goes deep into my heart. I read his writing, which is also the type that I like very much.

We occasionally share our writing experiences with each other through messages on the site. I feel like in a vast virtual world, I suddenly found a similar soul, and we can understand each other; we don’t have to meet, but it feels like we are by our side all the time.

This reminds me of Su Liu. I think he should be as pure as Su Liu.

Time like this always flies by. In a blink of an eye, it is already July, summer vacation. But I didn't wait for Li Xiao. What I was waiting for was a phone call from her.

She was crying on the phone. I asked her what was wrong. After a long time, she whispered: Lisa, I failed to listen to your advice, and I was hurt by him.

I asked: That beast, did you pay attention?

Li Xiao said "hmm", which made me heartbroken. The anger and pain in my heart defeated me in an instant. I thought I had said goodbye to the past completely, but Li Xiao's "hmm" reminded me that the past was always there.

I said: What should you do? Do you want me to accompany you?

Li Xiao hurriedly said: No, no, no, I know what happened to you. These things are too cruel to you. You are such a simple person, and you must not get close to this dirty place again. This dirt man. I'll handle it myself, trust me. I won't make it easy for him.

I said: Then be good and remember to come and see me when you are free.

After hanging up the phone from Li Xiao, I cried hysterically.

In the next few days, I lived alone.

It wasn’t until a morning after the rain, when the air was humid and the hot air turned cool, that my mood gradually improved. When I opened the APP, I saw a lot of messages.

These messages all come from him.

He said: Are you okay? I haven’t seen you for two days and haven’t updated my post. Are you busy?

He said: It’s the third day, has anything happened to you?

He said: On the fourth day, you still haven’t updated your article. Will you come back? I wrote a novel about my past. Can you read it?

He said: On the fifth day, if you come back, I will definitely add you on WeChat. Because you, like that friend of mine when I was a child, have entered my heart deeply.

He said: On the sixth day, I am waiting for your reply.

·······

When I read his words, my heart felt extremely warm. After experiencing that pain, for the first time, I ignited expectations for a person. I even look forward to meeting him.

I sent my WeChat message in the site message; and then told him that I am still here, but I have experienced unspeakable pain, but I will get better soon.

In the evening, I received a friend request from a stranger. I guessed it was him.

A quiet avatar with a blank circle of friends.

After passing, I asked him: Are you a fool?

He said: It’s me! I finally contacted you, can I laugh out loud?

Me: Haha, even if you laugh, I can’t hear you!

He said: What sad thing happened to you, tell me to make me happy!

Me: If I tell you, I feel bad and you will be happy; if I don’t tell you, I feel bad too. I feel uncomfortable anyway, why don't you feel uncomfortable with me, so I'd better not say anything.

He said: Well, don’t embarrass yourself. The past will eventually pass. There is dirt in this world. As long as your heart is clean, there won't be so much black and white.

Me: Have you always been like this? The first sentence was a joke, but the second sentence suddenly became so serious. I'm really not used to it! Hey, why is this sentence so familiar?

He said: Are you familiar? Never mind! I wrote a novel a few days ago, and I want to show it to you. It’s better for you to take good care of yourself after some time. Don’t forget, if you want to find me, message me anytime.

I lay in bed tossing and turning, unable to sleep, and that sentence always came to my mind. I suddenly remembered that in the magazine on my bookshelf, this sentence came from an article signed by Su Liu.

Popular willow. We were together for six years when we were in primary school. When I was about to graduate, I told him that after graduation I would go to the junior high school affiliated with the county No. 2 Middle School. He was confused. I don't know why he was confused. I just want him to know where I am, I just don't want him to forget me!

I don’t know if he has forgotten me. I only know how strongly I feel at this moment that he is by my side.

I took down the magazines from the bookshelf and opened the familiar yet unfamiliar texts; then I opened the APP and selected the Fool’s homepage. I compared them word for word. I know that this night, I will be awake all night.

In August, The Fool and I had a lively chat on WeChat.

As expected, I saw my name in his novel about writing memories. This confirmed my suspicion.

I dare not video chat with him, I have forgotten what he looks like. I don't think he will remember what I look like. That's it, I'm very satisfied.

I have become completely indifferent to the past. I have been here for almost a year, and I actually have the idea of ??returning to Bincheng.

When I called Li Xiao, her tone was indifferent. She said: Lisa, I am very happy that you can come out. There's something I didn't plan to tell you. Seeing that you can let go of the past, I'll tell you anyway. Me, I'm married to that guy. He left two months ago, and the two apartments he got were transferred to me. His job was also transferred from the grade director to logistics. I said, I will not let him go, for you and for me.

I am not surprised at all. When I was in college, I knew Li Xiao was such a person. I just feel a little sad for her.

I said to her carefully: It’s hard for you, you have to be nice!

She said: From now on, we should not contact each other. You should be good too!

Before hanging up the phone, I heard her choking.

I decided to confess to him.

The night I returned to Bincheng, I sent him a WeChat message.

I said: I like you, let’s meet!

He said: You like me, are you kidding me? I am an old hater and ugly, so don’t scare you when the time comes.

I said: I like you, not because of how good you are, but because you appeared in my life at the moment when I just needed you. Therefore, you are the perfect person in my heart.

He said: I like you too, you are the only one who has entered my heart as deeply as the friend I had when I was a child. However, we are thousands of miles apart.

I said: Although we are thousands of miles apart, aren't you in Bincheng? Tomorrow afternoon, next to the pearl of Hejiang Gate, if you don't come, I won't leave.

He said: You, you, you, how do you know me...

I can feel his surprise across the screen. Yes, he is such a silly person.

Compared to Yan Hao, he is far from perfect, but he is the perfect person in my heart.

I wrote word for word on WeChat: Because I am Lisa, I will meet you in the afternoon.

Text | Guo Xiaoguo

Pictures | Guo Xiaoguo