Selected daily hottest jokes?

The arrival of summer makes us who were originally calm become impetuous. At this time, we need to read some jokes to relieve our inner anxiety. The following is what I compiled for you, I hope you like it.

1. A new recruit was always scolded for being late in getting up, so he bought dye to paint his body to look like camouflage uniform. When the bugle sounded in the middle of the night, he was the first to rush out of the barracks. The chief praised: "Very good! But next time, please be careful to hang the *** at the back."

2. A man struck up a conversation with a girl on the bus. The man said to the woman: "You look really like my ex-girlfriend." The woman lowered her head in shame and asked: "Then... why did you break up with her?" The man said: "You think she is ugly."

3. When I was in high school, the person who was last in the class never came to school and spent all day in Internet cafes. But the strange thing is that he comes to every exam and never misses it. Later we discovered that before every exam, the second-to-last person in the class would go to the Internet cafe to give the last-to-last member a ten-dollar membership, begging him to take the exam...

4. One time, my best friend drank too much. I rushed into the men's room carefully, and in front of the panicked faces, this guy pretended to be calm and shouted loudly: "What are you afraid of! I didn't bring a ruler~"

5. Do you know? ?I really want to take you out to experience the charm of KTV! Do you know what KTV is? It means KTV, kick you, and finally I will make a V gesture!

6. There are twenty-three pairs of human chromosomes. One day, the old man who taught biology asked slowly: "How many pairs of chromosomes are there, classmates?" A guy in the corner loudly replied: "Sixty-four pairs!" The old man nodded calmly and seriously: "Well, tell me now. Me, what is the purpose of your coming to the earth?”

7. A few days before National Day, I was surfing the Internet at home. A college classmate I hadn’t contacted for a long time suddenly became online on QQ and WeChat. I sent a blessing message. The first reaction was that this guy was getting married, so he decisively made up a reason and replied to him, "Brother, I'm getting engaged on November 1, will you come to my engagement party?" Sure enough, he replied: "Sorry, I We’re getting married on October 1, and it seems like you won’t be able to come.”~ Save Da Yang.

8. There was a mother and son in the car. The child was still wearing crotchless pants. The child kept talking. Everyone was looking at him and thought he was cute. The child suddenly asked his mother: "Why does the sister opposite keep staring at my little penis?" Then, he heard everyone laughing, and the girl opposite ***about twenty years old*** also blushed, GC came Then, his mother said: "Sister, I didn't look at you. People have seen you too much." You made this little girl so embarrassed, and everyone around you was so hurt that you were hurt...

9. When walking with my boyfriend, I like to put my arms around his waist and pull on his clothes. One day while walking, he suddenly said: "Stop pulling my clothes, okay?" I was dissatisfied and said, "Can't you add a baby to your conversation with me?" Then he said: "Stop pulling my clothes, okay?" Okay?" Me: "..."

10. There was a family who went to see a play. They bought tickets for the upstairs, but the little boy always leaned on the railing and looked down, only listening to something The staff came over and said: "You should watch the child carefully and don't let him fall. There is a VIP seat downstairs. If he falls, he will have to pay for it..."

11. The young soldier received a letter from his hometown. , when he opened the envelope, what he took out was a piece of white paper. "What's going on?" asked the friend. "What happened is this," said the soldier, "when I left home, I had a fight with my fiancée, and since then we have not spoken to each other."

12. Went yesterday School toilets are the kind where the pits are connected and the seats are separated one by one.

When I first took off my pants, a fifty-cent coin fell out. I felt a little distressed and couldn’t continue taking off my pants. Another piece of my pants fell out with a bang. I was heartbroken! Then someone said from behind: "Sister." Yeah, you think this is the wishing fountain!”

13. My friend picked up a big dog on the road and took it home because he thought it was pitiful... The dog wants to occupy the territory, always peeing at home, and refuses to change despite repeated admonitions. The friend finally couldn't bear it anymore, took off his pants, peed in the place where the dog just peed, and warned the dog: This is my territory. It is said that this dog has never peed at home since then.

14. One day I was on a date with my girlfriend. While I was waiting for my girlfriend, I bought a yellow plate under the bridge. I bargained with the middle-aged man to make a deal and put it in my coat pocket. I went to my girlfriend's house for dinner in the evening. I met my future parents-in-law for the first time. I didn't dare to look up. My girlfriend teased me: "What's wrong? I've never seen you so shy." I muttered in a low voice: "I didn't expect your father to sell It’s a CD!”

15. The Chinese, Americans and Jews were drinking together. Three flies flew into their drinks. The Americans asked for a drink, but the Chinese drank it without paying attention. The Jews grabbed the flies out. Shouted: "Spit it out! Spit out the drink you drank!"

16. After the two mice got married, the female mouse became more and more arrogant. One night, the male mouse wanted to scare her and came home. Meow like a cat at the door. Not only was the wife not afraid, but she said tenderly: "Brother Cat, stop barking, my husband hasn't gone on a business trip yet."

17. The father said sternly to his daughter's boyfriend: "You only take my daughter with you every day Can’t you do something else while watching a movie?” The young man was surprised and delighted: “You mean you can do other things?”

18. The old lady watched the 100-meter race in the Olympic Games Exclaimed: "It's so scary! Several coal diggers knelt in a row, and a gunman wanted to shoot them, but he opened fire without aiming. The children were so frightened that they ran away! Even the rope couldn't stop them!"

19. A foreign tourist visited an orchard and boasted as he walked: "In our country, oranges look like footballs and banana trees look like iron towers." He tripped and fell on a pile of watermelons. A fruit farmer shouted: "Be careful with our grapes!"

20. Starving if done well is called losing weight; pinching people if done well is called ***; being in a daze is called If done well, it is called profound; if done well, laziness is called enjoyment; if done well, it is called persistence.

21. There were two little birds. They saw a hunter aiming at them. One said: "You protect the scene, I will call the police!"

22. Two drunkards Driving a car and running wildly. A: "Be careful! There is a sharp turn ahead." B: "What? Aren't you driving?"

23. A farmer's daughter was so ugly that he had to let her work in a cornfield. The scarecrow scares the crows. As a result, not only did she scare away the crows, but three crows were so frightened that they sent some corn back.

24. "I have loved investigating the truth since I was a child. My dream is to be a detective when I grow up. Now I am the editor-in-chief of a newspaper. What about you?"

25. "I have loved playing since I was a child. When I grow up, my dream is to travel around with a lot of money, and now I am a bus conductor."

26. When I went home at night, I heard crying in the alley. When I got closer, I saw that it was a bus conductor. The disheveled woman is crying. When asked what happened, the lady replied: "I was assaulted by a pervert!" Me: "Are you okay?" The lady replied: "He suddenly grabbed my breasts from behind and then let me go..." Me: "That's okay? Why are you crying?" The lady replied: "Because... the pervert actually said that it was so unlucky to have hugged a man."

27. When a gecko accidentally fell into the crocodile pond and died, the gecko suddenly became wise. , hugged the crocodile and shouted: "Mom!" The crocodile was stunned, and immediately burst into tears: "My child, you are so thin, don't go to work anymore! Take a rest during the holiday."

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28. Sleeping with your wife is your duty; sleeping with your mistress is comfortable and pleasant; sleeping with your classmates is an old love affair; sleeping with a rich woman is making some extra money; sleeping with a young lady is contributing to foreign aid; sleeping with a widow is Lei Feng The spirit is in the contemporary era!

29. The wife asked her husband coquettishly: "Do you like my tenderness, or are you obsessed with my sexy figure?" The husband was embarrassed for a while and replied: "I will. I like your sense of humor!!"

30. The young lady was arrested by the anti-pornography team for interrogation. The young lady argued: "I just sold condoms for two yuan for two hundred yuan!" The anti-pornography team was angry. Asked him: "You dare to quibble! What happened next?" The lady explained: "Later... later, I taught him how to use it, which is an after-sales service. "

31. After the tsunami, a rotting corpse of a man floated into the village. Only his lower body could be identified! After looking at it, a village woman said: "This is not my man, nor the village chief, nor the accountant. . The village girl looked at it and said, "This is not my brother-in-law, nor my brother-in-law!" At this time, a widow came over, touched it and said, "Go back, you are not from our village." "

32. The wife and her husband were shopping, and the wife's skirt was suddenly blown up by the strong wind! The wife pressed her skirt in panic and shouted: "Oh my God! The love is leaked!" The husband rolled his eyes at her and said: "Please! Let's make the family scandal public!"

33. Cao Cao admired Sun Quan very much and once said: "Sun Zhongmou should give birth to a son, just my children, bah!" So his son was named Cao Pi. He admired Zhuge Liang very much, so he named his son Sun Liang. However, Liu Bei could not forget the Diao Chan he had seen, so he named his son Liu Chan.

34. Summer is here, and the female caterpillar is in love. , she was afraid that the male caterpillar would dislike her body hair, so she plucked it. After plucking it, it looked at the smooth skin and was intoxicated. She hurriedly climbed up the tree to find the male caterpillar showing off, but the male caterpillar kicked it. Xia Shu: "You damn earthworm, you still want to seduce me?!"

35. Ordering lunch. Me: "Master, a portion of fried tomatoes and noodles." "The ordering master shouted to the kitchen: "A portion of fried tomatoes and topped with noodles. The chef stretched out his head and asked: "Fried tomatoes and topped with noodles, do you want eggs?" Me:...

36. Recently, my wife is trying her best to get me to quit smoking. I have a meeting at work today and I have to take a break. At that time, I took out a cigarette and gave it to the boss and the second boss. The boss stretched out his hand. I opened the cigarette case and threw out a handful of melon seed shells. I was shocked.

37. I broke up with my boyfriend, so I asked about the reason for the breakup. She said, "My boss thinks my breasts are too big. He said my breasts have been touched by so many men and he will break up if he can't accept it." Okay! , this is the most bizarre reason for breaking up that I have ever heard.

38. There was a college girl who broke up with her boyfriend and said: "I found a boyfriend from the sports department, and we have been dating for a year. , you have to pay me K yuan for youth loss. "The boy was afraid of his "new boyfriend from the sports department" and wanted to find a way to vent his anger. On the day of payment, the girl and her new boyfriend arrived. The ex-boyfriend brought ten boys. Each of them came over and gave the girl two hundred yuan, three or four. After the marriage, the girl couldn’t stop crying, and her new boyfriend also broke up with her.

39. I said to my father: “If you had worked harder and suffered a little more, I would be a rich second generation now. , just enjoy it every day, it’s all your fault. He thought about it and said, "You are right. Let's do this. You will suffer hardships from now on. From now on, your son will be the rich second generation and just enjoy life, okay?" I was anxious: "Why?! I have to endure hardships." Suffering and letting that little brat enjoy it?!" "Well, that's what I thought too. "

40. The Tiger King and the Lion King were drinking in the bar. After drinking, they hugged each other and started crying. At this time, the fox waiter came over and asked: "Why are the two eldest brothers so sad?" The Lion King patted He patted the fox, pointed at the tiger king and said: "He has a tigress at home, and I have a Hedong lion at home.

Brother, how are you living your life?" After hearing this, the fox immediately burst into tears and said aggrievedly: "Two eldest brothers, that vixen in our family is not worried!"

Appreciation

1. When I was beaten by my mother when I was a child, I would cry. My mother said: "Don't cry. If you cry again, you will continue to beat me." "One time my mother beat me again. In order to avoid the physical pain, I tried not to cry. As a result, my mother said: "You are quite stubborn, you have a temper, right?" Then she beat me until I cried.

2. A friend was driving out of town on a business trip. He saw an intersection at the end of the wall in front of him, and there was a line of words on the wall: "Take the national highway from here -", so he turned around and took another look. , only to find the word "***" on the corner of the wall...

3. I was lying on the sofa with cucumber slices to rest, and my dad was watching TV. I said, "Can you stop watching it?" This warrior, look at something else. My dad looked at me and said, "Can you still see with a cucumber on your eye?" I said, "I have an eye without a cucumber on it, but I can still see." "Dad said "Oh" and went to the kitchen to get another slice of cucumber and put it on my other eye.

4. A company is recruiting a female secretary and a psychologist. The question is equal to what? The first answer is equal to; the second answer is equal; the third answer is equal to or equal to; the psychologist said: "The first woman is practical but conservative; the second one is dreamy; the third answer is equal to or equal to. Three is the most suitable. "Then he asked the general manager how to decide. The general manager thought for a while and said, "The one wearing tights is better. "

5. A woman went into a sex shop and wanted to buy a penis. The boss said: "They are all above, you can choose." ", the female principal said after the selection: "I want the red one!" The boss said with one glance: "Miss, that is a fire extinguisher!"

6. At the party, someone introduced me to a new friend. , saying that he became a millionaire by trading stocks. Wow! Amazing! I admire him! I sat next to him and quietly asked him to teach me the secret. He said to me with a blank look on his face: "Actually, there is no secret..." Turns out to be a multi-millionaire. "

7. The bear goes up the mountain to exercise every day, and a tortoise also wants to go up the mountain. The bear says: "Okay, you put your four legs into the shell, and I will catch you up." "As soon as the bear arrived on the mountain, a bird saw it and laughed wildly: "You are like a bear, and you still have a flip phone?!"

8. Lao Wang asked Xiao Li why his eyes were swollen. Xiao Li said : “When I was putting on my trousers this morning, a button in the front fell off. I couldn’t sew it, so I ran next door and asked a lady to sew it on for me. "

9. "Oh my God! She must have thought you were going too far and gave you a fist!" "No, that's not the case! She was very nice and took out her needle and thread to sew on the spot. I did the same. I stood and sewed for her, but when she finished sewing and bit the thread with her mouth, her husband came in!"

10. Husband: "Dear, I want to invite a colleague tomorrow night Come for dinner. Wife: "What?! Are you crazy? The house hasn't been cleaned for a long time, and I haven't gone to the supermarket to buy anything for a long time. The thirty dishes at home haven't been washed, and I don't want to go to the kitchen to make something." What a decent dinner!" Husband: "I know, honey. Wife: "Then why do you invite your colleagues over for dinner?" Husband: "Because that silly boy is thinking about getting married." ”

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