How to recover from a broken marriage (how to correctly recover from a broken marriage)

When we describe marriage restoration, we often use the term "reunion".

So even if you are "reunited", there will definitely be cracks in the process, which testify that you have been separated, and you have had irreconcilable conflicts that are difficult to heal.

In order to get back together, you will find ways to ignore or even try your best to modify and downplay the rift, and try to make up for the other person; and the other person will also notice this rift and feel that you are trying hard, so he will use his own methods. , to invest in this relationship.

There is dedication, improvement, cooperation and guidance.

From the beginning, your unilateral improvement efforts to the other party's recognition of working with you and working together to maintain it, this is the correct way to save your marriage.

In the final analysis, marriage is run by two people.

There is a certain bond and relationship with each other, so this is different from other social relationships. In many cases:

Your friend and you have disagreements about decision-making, and the other party is very unhappy. It's possible to step back and respect your decision. The next time a similar incident occurs, you may take the initiative to make concessions to "repay" the other party's previous concessions.

Why do you no longer compromise in intimate relationships? No longer consider the other person’s feelings?

?, different communication modes, amplifying each other’s sensory experience

You will not quarrel with your leaders and superiors, you will not quarrel with your neighbors for no reason, and you and your friends will not take the quarrel seriously This is because these relationships are relatively fragile and contain some common interests and social influences on each other. Both you and the other party know this well and can control yourself rationally.

Then you can close the door and argue with your wife or husband, because you will always feel that you are "reasonable" and the other party has the responsibility and obligation to understand your own truth. At this time, about this relationship Development, you will all have an interpretation:

If you don’t listen to me this time, then this family will not be able to stay in the future!

So you will accidentally touch the opponent's minefield, and the opponent will not care and fluctuate up and down your bottom line.

Many friends are like this in their lives. They win the quarrel and lose the love.

Communication patterns affect many "overworked" divorces, such as "personality incompatibility", family disharmony, etc. that you often hear.

?, different operating ideas, resulting in deepening misunderstandings

In the relationship model of marriage, the factor that often determines whether the development is stable is "balance of income and expenditure."

Then we assume that marriage and family are a big "rice vat", then a good model is that both parties can spontaneously invest in the property of a marriage like a "rice vat" Investment, and if you want to "consume" *** own property, you need to "record" it.

So many people will frequently quarrel because of the "imbalance of income and expenditure" in marriage. At this time, it is often reflected that one party overestimates his "investment" while the other party ignores his "investment". "Consumption", many affairs and extramarital affairs are caused by the imbalance of income and expenditure between the two parties in the marriage.

?, Transform "communication" into "instilling" values ??

This is the root cause of frequent quarrels in many cases of broken marriages.

When you find that no one can convince the other, your first logic is "thinking" and "ideational height". These are different reasons, which lead to you not being understood by each other, thus ignoring the most basic " "Language" problem, that is, the problem of communication method.

For example, during marriage, our partner does something incredible, which shocks our IQ.

Then the first time we ask is definitely not: "Why? Do this?" but to instill our own "values": "You should..., you shouldn't... ..."

So you will find that quarrels between lovers may be over once or twice, although the worst result is to break up.

So why can a couple quarrel for more than ten years? Still enjoying it without getting divorced?

It’s because essentially “communication” has not been achieved, so the quarrel between the two parties has never been logically successful. Maybe it's all about momentum.

At the same time, they are all instilling "values" in each other. In the end, no one is convinced, but because of each other's emotional interests, the marriage cannot be divorced.

Therefore, there are many reasons for the breakdown of marriages. It is not only necessary to examine each other's personality classification, but also to examine various life factors, original family factors and even emotional processes, but there is one significant *** Same characteristics: not "activating" the opponent.

Without motivating the other party, your "efforts" will not be understood and will not be effective.

The correct method often varies from case to case. After the emotional mentor intervenes, he will start with these steps to repair the marriage:

?, Repair conflicts

< p>Many marriages have different conflicts, but there are often many similar cases of "conflicts", that is: it is impossible to accurately find the point of conflict.

Because in fact, men tend to understand contradictions superficially, while women understand contradictions deeply, and at different levels and in different fields, the "depth" of mutual understanding is slightly different:

< p>For example, if he and his wife start to quarrel about the education of their children, a man will deepen the conflict, while a woman will understand it superficially. Men will rationally "calculate" the possibility of future development, while women will "calculate" the possibility of future development based on "empathy." "Understand how your child is feeling in the moment.

As for the issue of "marriage management", a man has cheated! Most men consider themselves to be indulgent and relax. Even if they are discovered, then at best, their charm is still the same, which is really not possible. , you will always be forgiven if you go home and apologize sincerely, because the nature of cheating is different, but women will deeply understand it as "each other's feelings are shaken."

So give two examples to illustrate: It is difficult to accurately find the contradiction.

When you are sick and go to the hospital, and you bluntly say that you have XX disease and want to prescribe some prescription drugs, then the doctor will never listen to you first, but start to diagnose you, which shows that you have confidence in your own diagnostic ability. Problem, otherwise, you wouldn’t come to the hospital without knowing what to do right now.

The same is true in relationships. If your diagnosis is correct, then you will not cause the current relationship to break up.

?, Improve the environment

After finding conflicts with each other, many people are determined to improve the marriage environment. The methods used are "extreme", or they do something to "break the balance" Things:

Originally it was the wife who picked up the children, but now, I take the place of my wife.

Or some "unusual" behavior will occur: greatly restraining one's negative emotions, constantly making changes in the image to show to the other party, and expressing one's willingness to change.

Then first understand: To save a marriage, you must not only improve your own getting along problems, but also improve each other's getting along environment.

First of all, every relationship in a broken marriage, the environment in which they get along is also full of smoke, the smell of gunpowder, or the cold air is suffocating.

The child has witnessed his parents always quarreling, and feels that the two of them always curse endlessly when they are together; something at home is broken, and you dropped it when you were angry; once you communicate for more than 1 minute, Arguments would start, so the air would be cold.

Then these "environmental" related factors are easier to improve than your contradictions, and it is easier for the other party to accept it first.

"Environment" is also a part of "expression", so if your changes and improvements are not taken seriously by the other party, then there is a big problem with your "expression" ability, and the other party will not be malicious. environment and have good expectations for you.

?, Guide each other’s value evaluation

Couples who can get married often have a deep emotional foundation.

The probability of you breaking up and getting back together will be very high. Even if you are a couple who has only known each other for a short time on a "blind date", then it is a decision that both parties have made based on the most basic "valuation of value".

Many people will use words to express "they are unwilling to divorce", but they never use "actions" to express "divorce is not cost-effective for you".

People themselves seek advantages and avoid disadvantages, so when "leaving" becomes the other party's first need, your recovery will definitely conflict with the other party and will not be taken seriously by the other party.

At the same time, when the other party is in your improved space and realizes that you understand the contradictions between them and are determined to improve the problem, then the other party will make the first measurement: credibility.

Judge whether you are worth staying and observing. Many couples need this step to recover, which is commonly known as secondary attraction. However, there are many ways to "attract". In the marriage relationship, you can use your emotional care ability to Let the other person feel your value.

?. Guide the other party’s thinking and understanding

Only by tapping into the other party’s psychology can we accurately guide the other party’s thinking.

When the other person is willing to look back for you, 80% of the time, they are actually curious about your current changes, or even kidnapped by your emotions, and decide to start observing in depth, but you have a high chance of discovering that even if you do your best, But as they gradually got along, the other party began to "not buy in" and began to fail to pay equally in accordance with his ideal direction.

However, many people only realize that something is wrong after breaking up for the second time, because after getting back together for the first time, they are full of joy and feel that as long as the other party comes back for reasons, their goals have been achieved.

This is different from recruiting employees. As long as you invest yourself, the other party will basically establish a labor relationship with you. So now, without guiding the other party to understand your thinking, it is easy to create a Phenomenon: The other party does not recognize your "effort".

This phenomenon is what causes many couples to: The conflict between themselves has been resolved, but the other party is still reluctant to return.

Just like a very wide range of examples:

When a man cheats, the reason for his cheating is that the environment between his wife and the person he cheated on creates a "world of difference", so the wife begins to have sex. After the transformation, the man's marriage relationship was successfully restored, but the man did not understand his wife from her perspective and still maintained a relationship with the cheating partner.

So if you don’t know how to diagnose yourself, whether you have a problem in guiding the other party to understand, then here is a reference: normal marriage recovery may be achieved in about 30 days, if you After this time, it is possible that the other party has not understood you yet.

?, Guide each other to maintain the relationship

When your relationship can finally return to the "plain period", at this time, because of your mutual personality classification, behavior and work habits, etc., you can specify some The method is to guide the other party to proactively maintain the relationship, so as to reduce the workload of your own maintenance and increase the intensity and effect of maintenance.

While guiding, you also need to increase your own guidance chips accordingly, and gradually increase the other party’s withdrawal cost. Not only do you need to absorb value and experience from the other party, but you also need to make the other party get used to you, and A sense of dependence.

At the same time, we must constantly embed "expectations" in guidance and plan a blueprint to describe the future. Many people decide to completely sever the marriage relationship because they cannot see the expectations or even fail to meet the expectations. So as a maintenance You can make the "cake" that is the most fantasy-related thing smaller, but you can't make it without it.

Of course, if it is difficult for you to find the precise point of contradiction, or you want a more suitable method to save your marriage, then you can contact our professional emotional recovery tutors for help, and they will help you. Diagnose the success rate of marriage recovery and provide you with the next course of action and a complete recovery plan.