The past is the past.

In autumn of 2008, I graduated from a university in Qingdao. Although I failed in the postgraduate entrance examination and the Shandong civil servant provincial examination, I decided to try the postgraduate entrance examination again, because I was always deeply afraid of going deep into the society and looking for a job everywhere. At the same time, due to the approaching of the Olympic Games, I have a paranoid attitude that Qingdao is unsafe and will become the first place of war (I think it is impossible for hostile forces abroad to hold such a grand event stably), perhaps because I was trapped in Qingdao for the first time because of renting a house, and I have a very strong dislike for Qingdao people. Since I want to apply for Beijing Normal University, I decided to go to Beijing (at that time, I thought Beijing was the main venue of the Olympic Games, but as the capital, after all, the safety factor was much higher) to review and prepare for the exam.

After I watched the Olympic Games on TV, after several delays, I successfully encouraged several students who were also interested in preparing for the exam in Beijing, and finally packed my bags and got on the long-distance bus to Beijing for the first time. The story I want to tell took place in Beijing after October of that year.

one

Where should I start? Maybe we should talk about it when we first meet. It was half a month after I arrived in Beijing. First I lived with one of my brothers, and then I went out to live for fear of causing him too much trouble. I threw it twice and moved it twice. Once, I moved to a semi-basement in Xinming Hutong, the east gate of Beijing Normal University. At that time, there were only four people in one bed, and one month in 360 yuan. Later, because my roommate often watched TV until midnight, I had to move out and live in a hotel in an alley in the south gate of Beijing Normal University. I have forgotten the name of this hotel.

There are two kinds of hotels: ordinary hotels on the ground and single rooms underground for long-term rental. At that time, I could only afford to live underground, from a semi-basement where I could see a little sunshine and the heating was enough to make people sleepy, to a full basement where I couldn't see the sunshine all day because it was not ventilated and still warm. I think, in winter, living in this place is like hibernation. I only need to spend 500 yuan a month to experience the strange experience of being a snake turtle, which is really an unexpected gain. Although I laugh at myself, the unpleasantness with some classmates in recent weeks always makes people uncomfortable. Some students are condescending to take care of me, including a good relationship with me during my college years. It was also from this time that those who seemed to have good relations were eliminated, and those who had normal relations with Japan were rediscovered at this time, making friends and being friendly one by one. This is all in the future. I only said this to describe my mood at that time. Next, let's continue to tell the story of me and this Heilongjiang girl named Wang Shishi.

On that day, I checked in with my luggage and officially settled in this place. I'm in the third room on the right side of the second corridor in the east, and there's another room next to my room in the innermost part, where a couple in their thirties don't know where to work. No one stays on the other side for the time being; A woman of about 50 years old lives opposite me. She is engaged in small business. There is a girl who lives diagonally opposite me, and she is also preparing for the exam here. I heard all these things from Li Shifu, the housekeeper, when I checked in. He knew that I was also here to review, so he told me to close the distance with the person across the hall, and I didn't take it to heart casually.

In the afternoon, I finished eating at school and prepared to go back to rest. Just turning to the corridor, I heard a charming smile, "Thank you, Li Shifu, haha". This is a good voice, crisp and bright, but not harsh, and the tone is just right for our ears. I'm not the only one who has this idea, because I turned around and saw Li Shifu, the house manager, coming towards me with a satisfied smile. I'm sorry, Li Shifu, I saw the owner of the laughter, a tall, thin girl, with her hair tied casually with a hairband, a bunch of hair dragging on her back, a slightly yellow hair, and a down jacket with a tender willow color on her upper body. Oh, well, I really suspected that I was wrong. How can I describe it? It's a pair of down pants, and there must be a pair of outer pants outside. This is the girl opposite my door. She is standing on a small bench, pressing the curtain against the door frame with one hand and nailing the nail with a small hammer with the other.

"It turned out that she was thanking Li Shifu for providing her with tools, but this Li Shifu didn't seem kind enough, so she couldn't help nailing it before she left." So I went to help hold the curtains and let her free her hand to nail them.

"Thank you, ha ha. I heard that you are also preparing for the postgraduate entrance examination. " She said as she hammered the nail.

"yes."

"Are you going to Beijing Normal University?"

"hmm." I casually replied, but I was thinking, "Do you still need to ask? Why don't I live here and take the Beijing Normal University exam? "

"Didn't you take the exam here?"

"I don't take an examination of here, I take an examination of the first normal school. I live here because it is convenient. "

"Oh."

"Why did you nail the curtains?"

"This room is very stuffy. I'll leave the door open and hang a curtain. "

"Oh. Don't you come back to sleep at night? "

"I've been here all day." After the curtains were nailed, she clapped her hands and jumped off the bench. I saw her face, and it looked good. I remember when I was a child, there were two designs of Xiaohua Mall on my enamel teapot. Father always describes his sister as the cutest. At this moment, I suddenly suspected that Xiaohua Mall had suddenly become a girl. It's just grayish yellow. I have never seen anyone's face so yellow, at least not a living person's face so yellow. There are some small pimples scattered in every corner of her face. I think she appointed it because she hasn't seen the sun for many years and the humidity is too heavy.

"I'm here to review, I don't go to school, there is no seat, it's too much trouble. I ate and walked. I have a meal card there. " Just when I was looking at her face and thinking, she said this sentence to answer my doubts.

This is a formal understanding. In the next few days, we were busy with each other and didn't seem to reply much. As for how we got to know each other, I don't remember. I think it was after I helped her act and turned down a suitor.

In fact, the play is very simple. At the end of the corridor, there is a boy from the south. He feels a little gloomy and strange. Somehow, he fell in love with this girl and tried his best to get close to her. I once heard that she had a meal card from Normal University and wanted to follow her to a restaurant for dinner. She was very upset. I didn't go to school that afternoon, so she asked me to have dinner with her. So, the three of us walked along the gossipy alley, with a sense of twists and turns in the middle. I'm glad to help, because at that time, the hot water in Normal University needed a meal card to get it, so I borrowed her meal card several times, so I didn't have to go back to my residence every time I received water. It really saved me a lot of time, and I am very grateful to her. That handsome guy is more reticent than me. I'm just an extra. I don't need to add my own lines. As long as I stand between them, I have demonstrated my ignorance and her attitude towards him with practical actions.

I actually remember that I had a great meal in curry beef that night. It was always rude to eat for free, not to mention that I contributed. Finally, I ended my dinner in silence and embarrassment. She pulled me and said I wanted to go the other way. I want to go to the Dia Tian Tian supermarket in the west to buy something. Let me go with her. The embarrassed and silent man seems to have finally decided not to put up with this snub. He said that I have work to do, so I won't go together.

When I left, he looked at me with bitterness, and I gave him an innocent look. I thought, "Brother, just hate me. I didn't mean to. Who makes people dislike you? There's nothing I can do. But don't worry, I will never rob you. If you really hate me, curse me for the same retribution. "

When I finished this paragraph, I felt that some other things must be explained clearly, otherwise her behavior would become incomprehensible and my behavior would become very inappropriate. The above only means that our relationship has made a great breakthrough in practice. Anyway, at least we use each other. In the matter of pretending to be a boyfriend, you must have at least a relatively close psychological distance to take advantage of each other. I think, if we really get a sense of identity with each other psychologically, we should inadvertently cooperate with an * * * and an "enemy"-my next door, which is basically her next door, but she and the couple are separated by a slightly larger aisle.

That couple, like me now, are hard-working office workers. It seems that their place of work is quite far away. They come back late every day, at least after ten o'clock. They are in no hurry to sleep. When they come back, they chat and watch TV. The sound of TV has little influence, mainly because the sound of their chatting is the worry of parents and the company. Under that woman's depressed but penetrating voice, these things that I was forced to listen to went straight to my ears, which made me very upset. These two gloomy and humble people, how can life in your be so boring!

I knew the sound insulation effect was not good when I first moved in. At the thought of a couple living next door, I am afraid of hearing voices I shouldn't listen to. Fortunately, my worries are unnecessary. They have lost all their vitality under the heavy pressure of work and life, leaving only those trivial and monotonous nagging, and of course the voice of the woman breaking melon seeds. For a long time, these vulgar things, such as crazy garbage, stuck in my heart, affecting my mood and my sleep, so one day I couldn't help nagging Wang Shishi, "That couple next door sleeps so late every day, which is annoying. Really annoying. "

"They also love to eat melon seeds, which makes people unbearable. Knock on the wall when you are bored, just knock. I have knocked it several times and it is quite useful. "

"Well, if it's still like this tonight, I'll knock, and then we'll knock together."

"Very good."

That night, as agreed in advance, when both sides sounded knocking on the wall at the same time, the couple were well-advised and silent. The next night, they didn't make any noise. On the third morning, their room was empty. They can't stand being attacked between Scylla and Charybdis, and at the same time, they can't stand foreign hostility in their work and life. It wasn't until many years later that I couldn't stand sharing a neighbor and finally spent a lot of money to rent a whole house that I realized I shouldn't have. Among the factors that squeeze our lives and alienate us, the most important thing is lack of money. If it is not economic pressure, why should they be so humble? They must have dreams. Sometimes they think I am a hero in the world. Maybe they moved away silently to express their protest against us, or they left a cruel sentence: young man, one day you will be like me.

two

With the occurrence of these little things, our relationship has grown like weeds revived in spring, but so far I still don't know how to define this relationship. Friends who meet by chance may not be fully explained, because they are beyond that limit.

I got more benefits from her after helping him refuse the pursuit of boys. She has given me the meal card completely, and the money in it can't be spent in a short time. Not only can I eat it alone, but I can even invite others to eat it together. She doesn't mind at all.

I am an arrogant person, and I have experienced the feeling of relying on others caused by my classmates, so I am actually very sensitive to spending her money. I told her many times, "I just borrowed your meal card. I will definitely pay you back the money I used, and I will pay you back twice."

"Don't also go, just a few meals, I can afford it. I didn't take it seriously at all. "

"No, I will definitely pay it back."

"Do it at your convenience." She paused, and then said, "I teach by myself and have classes twice a week, which is enough for me to spend." This money really means nothing to me. "

"Oh."

In her words, I really used up almost all my money. I'm not too embarrassed to ask for it at home, and it's not easy to ask my classmates to borrow it twice. Therefore, I am even more unkind to her money. Anyway, I have made up my mind to pay her back twice.

After decades of hard study and the pressure of occupying a seat, my desire to review in the classroom is getting smaller and smaller, and I finally made up my mind to read in the hotel one day.

In the dim light, in the cramped environment, in the dreary air, I just looked sleepy and fell asleep soon. I think it is necessary for me to find someone to study with, so I often go in and out of her room. She still dresses like that, so I can sit anywhere.

For a while, I have forgotten the difference between men and women, because in my heart, I feel that I can never be with her. At that time, my stubbornness had reached the point of paranoia, and I could hardly change what I had decided, so I was very calm. Sometimes I forget to remind her first, so I lift the curtain and go straight in.

She never seemed to take me seriously, but just supported me for a while, and once she said that one of her high school classmates had been chasing her, and she promised to take the exam again. If she still fails, she will stay with him. They often call, so I carefully avoid it, because once she told me it was jealousy. Sometimes, I maliciously think that nothing happened between us, but I inadvertently take the risk of being suspected of adultery.

Most importantly, she never seems to care about me. I can come whenever I want, and I can leave whenever I want. I never ask, and I never come to me. Only once did I wake up because I slept too much. When she didn't come, she kept knocking on the wall (oh, by the way, after the couple moved out, I moved to their room. The room was much bigger, so I followed. She is really loyal to her duties.

In addition, she has expressed her contempt and disdain for me more than once. Although she helped me, she didn't expect me to return. Every time I want to improve my self-esteem by promising to repay him, she gives me a beating. "Save it and read your book."

So, I decided that she couldn't have me in her heart. Even if there is me and I don't have her in my heart, even if there is her, she will go up in smoke because she disdains my words. To some extent, inadvertently, we are familiar with each other and have been together for a long time, but our hearts are calm. Even once I sat by her bed and read a book, and I fell asleep when I was sleepy. When I woke up again, I saw her lying on one side and sleeping happily. I quickly woke her up and told her to get up and read.

"You are really at ease with me, not afraid that I will touch you when you are asleep." Although I blushed, I finally got a chance to ridicule her for revenge, and I will never let it go easily.

"How dare you! If you touch me, I'll let you leave Beijing alive. Do you believe it? "

"Letter ..." I answered in a long voice with a rather disdainful expression.

She never asked me for help, but once she expressed her anxiety about English, and I made some suggestions very hard (after all, there is basically no need to review English when taking the postgraduate entrance examination), that's all. But two opposite sexes who have no feelings for each other have been together for a long time, which not only eliminates the gender differences, but also becomes particularly close because they share something with each other. This is only psychological closeness. I think, maybe I was inadvertently named the honorary title of male best friend by her, at least to help her advise how to restrain her boyfriend's jealousy; Take the books together as the receiver and put them on the wall to listen to the voices of the old whore and old lover next door (a 50-year-old woman, whose husband and children are in her hometown, is doing small business in Beijing alone, but she is very beautiful and can't bear loneliness at night. She went to Beijing Normal University to dance square dance and met a university professor, but they really just ... alas ..... don't mention it); Have you even discussed whether women's breasts really get bigger after marriage?

She has been worried about her small breasts, and once she suddenly asked me this question, which surprised me. It turned out that as the examination time approached, she felt hopeless and was ready to get married, but she was always dissatisfied with her figure, mainly the upper circumference. Later, after listening to her boyfriend to comfort her, she finally didn't believe it, but it seemed that she was looking for me to prove it. I have no experience, how can I know? I only remember that this problem seemed to be discussed in the university dormitory at that time, saying that it was based on science and was a chemical or biological action. Fortunately, before I could answer, she answered it herself.

"My boyfriend says so, because you will get bigger if you rub it more."

"Oh." I immediately had a deep suspicion that her IQ and her boyfriend's IQ had accumulated knowledge, and such a physical explanation was actually believed. Maybe this is just an excuse for my boyfriend to flirt on the phone, and this silly elder sister actually told me. Well, I have a girlfriend every year. I am the strongest this year. I want to be a world-beater boyfriend in the future!

We often read and study together, eat together, walk or wander together. Once we went to Dazhong Temple, I don't remember why. Anyway, she spent 20 yuan to buy three small mangosteen, and we tasted them together. It was the first time we ate mangosteen, and the fruit inside looked like garlic cloves. I feel very ordinary after eating it. I really can't figure out why it is so expensive. Since then, I have never eaten mangosteen. And I actually took a fancy to a pair of Anta tennis shoes, more than 300, lingering for a long time also reluctant to buy. I really have no money. She is quite generous. "If you really like it, I can lend you money." This is the first time she has used the word "borrow". I spent more than 300 yuan on her before. The last bit of self-esteem held me back. On second thought, I'm glad I didn't buy it at that time. Seeing the same shoes in other places, I just wonder why my eyes were so bad at that time.

Later, we spent Christmas together, New Year's Day, and even bought a small bottle of wine on New Year's Day. We all drank, and we were very happy. I told her, "I want to relax after the exam." Let's buy a big bottle of wine and get drunk. " "ok."

Then I went home after the exam. She didn't buy a ticket to go home, so she stayed in Beijing for the New Year. I have been taking a long-distance bus, and I haven't realized the feeling that I can't buy a train ticket for the New Year.

The time at home was unremarkable and there was nowhere to describe it, until my father and I had a big fight. At that time, I wandered around for half a year without looking for a job after graduating from college, and spent money on a trip to Beijing, feeling that I was a drag on my family. After I came back, I was lazy and didn't have the attitude I should have under the fence, but it was like my uncle went to the countryside. So, it is estimated that my father has long since disliked me. So a big fight was inevitable, and I was really good-tempered. I was going to run away from home in a rage. Well, you have a good life and don't have to worry about it in the future. I'll pay you back when I make money. Gas returns to gas, but even if you run away from home, you need money, at least some fares. So I found a few classmates with good relationships and expressed my intention to run away from home and borrow money. They gave me a sermon, and the final result was not to borrow money. Maybe they are afraid to take the responsibility of undermining the unity of our family, or maybe they think that the money I borrowed from my strong backing may not guarantee that I can beat Shui Piao. So from then on, I deeply despised myself and stopped expecting too much from others, especially my classmates.

Then I thought of her and sent her a short message to explain the situation. Soon the text message came back, "Come to Beijing, I'll lend it to you, as long as you think about it." I think this person is the one who really understands me and supports me. Perhaps, she never cared about me, but she didn't feel too much responsibility and pressure to help me.

Later, because my grandmother died, my plan to run away from home was completely hopeless. After she was buried, I took some money and set foot on the road to Beijing again with the feeling of half reconciliation with my family.

First, I met her and gave her back the money I used to use. She still has that attitude. I didn't remember until I returned it to her, and I won't refuse to return it.

Although it is important to wait for the results of the postgraduate entrance examination, it is imperative to find a place to live and a job to support yourself. So, I lived in Xinming Hutong again. 360 yuan was less than 500 yuan in a month 140 yuan, but I could eat for a month. Then I went to an international exhibition to attend a job fair. I settled down to work in a company less than two weeks after I came to Beijing.

three

I just came to that company during that time. Although I work with this mentality as a springboard, I have tasted the sweetness of self-reliance, and there is always a high-spirited struggle and dedication. I don't feel lonely even when I wait for the bus alone in the cold wind and dusk. In this way, I almost forgot her, although we don't live far away. Just arrived at the company for a week, he was sent to Tianjin for a business trip, and then followed the executives to Jinan and Nanjing for a business trip. These objective facts have also separated me from her for a long time.

The magical experience of business trip makes me fidgety, and I can hardly adapt to the long working hours. I got into the habit of going home for dinner at the first time after work every night, about that time. Just when I was excited and anxious because of the pleasure of business trip, one evening, she called me and asked me to meet at Beijing Normal University. She asked me to meet in the staff canteen, used her meal card to cook, and asked me to have dinner together, so I had to accompany a bowl of soup.

After dinner, I felt guilty and said to her, "I should have invited you to dinner long ago, but I haven't had time to invite you."

"Come on, don't you please, you that salary, it is better to earn more than I do a few tutoring. There is nothing wrong with eating. I have a meal card here, and it's good to eat here. "

"I'm going back to my hometown." After a moment of silence, she suddenly said this.

"You didn't go home for the New Year. You should go back and have a look."

"Shit, don't tell me about the New Year."

"Then when will you come back? I'll meet you at the station when you come back. "

"I don't come back. I'm going home to get married. For him, I gave up Beijing and gave up the reputation of tutoring accumulated in Beijing in recent years. "

"ah? ..... Then when do you leave, I'll see you off. "

"No, go early tomorrow morning. I called you here today to tell you. "

"We live so close, I didn't come to see you this time, and I didn't have time to thank you. I didn't even have time to invite a meal. I am really sorry for you. " I was blindfolded by this sudden news, completely immersed in my own remorse, and the words blurted out. I just hope there is something definite in these words for her to catch something, or maybe I just want him to know that I am not so ungrateful.

"Come on, just work hard."

This sentence hit me again. Alas, I deserve this notoriety. I can only say, "Then let me know when you go back to change the number."

"Beijing this number temporarily can't stop, just use this contact. I will also go to QQ, but I may not return. You know he's jealous. "

"Well ..."

The rest of the evening was full of silence. We walked on the road together, turning and turning along the road we used to take after dinner. When we passed by the door of the hotel where she stayed for the second time, she gave the final order, "You go, goodbye!" " .

I thought I would quietly watch her walk down the steps leading to the basement like everyone else, and then stand for a while before leaving, but I didn't. I turned and left. I don't even remember what I was feeling at that time, so I left the familiar alley quietly and leisurely, without any superfluous expression on my face. ...

This is the end of the matter. I thought we had a long time, so we not only missed the best opportunity to express our gratitude, but also had no chance at all. The mobile phone number is finally empty, and the increasingly powerful QQ function also lets me know that she basically gave up the QQ number.

As time goes by, nine years have passed. During that time, the things I was most concerned about, such as preparing for the exam and working, have long been blurred and gradually dissipated ... This episode of interpersonal communication has precipitated in a corner of my heart and has been lingering. Of course, what impressed me the most was the sentence "Come on, just work hard".

It was not until many years later that I felt I understood the meaning of her sentence, but there were two versions that kept dangling in my mind. On the last exam that day, I handed in my paper early and returned to my residence with a very relaxed but self-destructive mood. Perhaps such an exam exhausted all our enthusiasm and energy, and no one mentioned the agreement of "getting drunk after the exam", and no one wanted to express or take action. In this way, I paid my room bill in a hurry, went to my brother with my luggage that night, and arrived at Lizeqiao long-distance bus station the next morning without any nostalgia or guilt. She didn't go out to see me until I left. Perhaps, this incident gave her the impression that "I'm just paying lip service". Or, in the absence of hope to see you again, she said something that made me feel bitter, which really lifted my parting and unnecessary expectations for the future, so that we could go into battle lightly without any burden on each other. Which version is closer to the truth? Perhaps, these two versions are my own whimsy, and the reality is often not so much whimsy and tenderness, but I prefer the second version, because then she will always maintain the image of a saint in my heart, guide me forward, and let me still have a firm belief in the loveliness of human nature even in the most humble life. ...