Jokes describing yellow chrysanthemums

1. My mother and I bought lottery tickets and won a prize. We went to a counter to collect the prize. The person handing out prizes asked us if we wanted twenty yuan or an apple? My mother and I thought that of course we wanted to make some money, so we asked for twenty yuan. So, the man took out a knife and cut the apple into twenty pieces...

7. A thief slipped into a heavily guarded place in the middle of the night. After going through all the trouble to open the safe, I found that it was actually full of jelly. The tired and hungry thief ate all the jelly in a rage and left. The next day the local newspaper headlined: "Shocked!" Sperm bank was robbed like crazy".

8. The farthest distance in the world is: The two of us go out together, you buy four generations of apples, and I buy four bags of apples

9. I met Sister Feng by chance in a male bar. After hesitating for a long time, he asked in a low voice: "Can I take a photo with you?" Sister Feng shouted: "No, I won't sleep with you!" All eyes were fixed on the two of them, and the man returned his seat in embarrassment. After a while, Sister Feng came over and whispered: "I'm sorry, I'm studying psychology recently. I was just testing people's reactions in embarrassing situations." The man shouted: "Thirty yuan? It's too expensive!"

10. The two friends hadn't seen each other for a long time, so they had a dinner together to eat dumplings. Ah San suddenly asked Brother Han: Do you know the gender of the dumplings? ? Brother Han looked confused. After eating dumplings for so many years, could it be that dumplings are divided into men and women? Ah San said with a smile, "You're so stupid, you're a man, the dumplings have wrappers."

11. A three-year-old boy took the hand of a three-year-old girl and said: "I love you." The little girl said: "Can you be responsible for my future?" The little boy said: "Of course, we are not one or two years old anymore!

12. The butterfly said to the bee: You are so stingy. You pretend to be full of sweet words but are reluctant to give them to me. The bee said: Humph! What about me, why don’t you send me a text message with such long antennas on your head?

13. By the way, that classmate was in primary school one night before the final exam. His parents were discussing what to make for him for breakfast tomorrow morning. His mother said: How about making fried dough sticks and eggs? One fried dough stick and two eggs are 100 points. 100 points is not enough. Why don't you give him some instant noodles? 14. Parrot's reaction: A restaurant keeps a parrot hanging at the door and says "Hello, welcome" when guests arrive. Come! "A regular customer thought: I'll hurry in and see how you react. One day he just ran in, and the parrot said: "His grandma's! Scared me! ! !

15. When she was 17 years old, she saw my mobile phone: "Brother-in-law, your mobile phone is not bad!" So her sister gave it to her. When she was 18 years old, she saw my notebook again: "Brother-in-law, your notebook is pretty good!" So her sister gave her the notebook as well. She is 19 years old this year and has become a beautiful girl. She looked at me and said shyly: "Brother-in-law, you are quite a good person." I was waiting for her sister to speak...

16. The leader's son loved to lie, so the leader bought a lie detector. One day My son comes home late. Father: Where are you going? Said: Reading in the library. The robot slapped him. Son: I went to my classmate’s house to watch pornographic movies. Father: That’s so brave. I haven’t seen it since I was this old. The robot slapped its father. The mother angrily rebuked: He deserves it for being so harsh on his son. No matter what, he is your biological child. Snap! The robot slapped its mother again!

17. On the plane, a 30-year-old father couldn't help but look at the flight attendant a few more times. His 6-year-old daughter asked: "What are you looking at? Do you find it interesting? When my mother is not around, you Why is it like this?" The father's face turned red from holding back: "Eat quickly and stop talking nonsense, or I won't take you out again!" The daughter muttered: "They say that my daughter was my father's lover in his previous life. I don't understand. Why did I fall in love with you in my last life?

18. I received a text message today: “From 11:30 today, my wife will start sleeping with someone else’s husband, and I have to take care of her happily. He was washing, changing, and taking a shower. There was no way he could bring a gun with him.

"After reading it, I couldn't understand how there could be such a mean person! Then when I saw the sender, I was shocked... It turned out that a friend had given birth to a son! How could such a good news be announced!

1. A company is recruiting a female secretary and asks a psychologist to serve as a consultant. The first answer is equal to 4; the second answer is equal to 22; the third answer is equal to 4 or 22; Psychology The expert said: "The first woman is practical but conservative; the second woman is dreamy; the third woman is the most suitable. "Then he asked the general manager how to decide. The general manager thought for a while and said, "The one wearing tights is better. ”

3. At the party, someone introduced me to a new friend, saying that he became a millionaire by trading stocks. Wow! Amazing! I admire him! I sat next to him and quietly asked He taught me the secret. He said to me with a blank look on his face: "Actually, there is no secret... I turned out to be a multi-millionaire. ”

6. Husband: Honey, I’m going to invite a colleague over for dinner tomorrow night. Wife: What?! Are you crazy? The house hasn’t been cleaned in a long time, and I haven’t been there in a long time. I’ve gone shopping in the supermarket, but the thirty dishes at home haven’t been washed yet, and I don’t want to go to the kitchen to make a decent dinner! Husband: I know, dear. Wife: Then why do you invite your colleagues over for dinner? Husband: Because that stupid boy is thinking about getting married.

7. Teacher: "A straight line is the shortest between two points." This axiom does not need to be proved. Everyone admits that it is true everywhere. ~" A classmate asked: "Can you prove it?" Teacher: "You can prove it. If you put a bone 10 meters away and let the dog go, it will definitely run straight to the bone. No. They know how to make turns and not take detours. Dogs know this, so what else do they need to prove?"

9. The administrator was talking to a girl: "Sorry, swimming is not allowed here..." Then Why didn't you tell me before I took off my clothes? "We don't prohibit taking off clothes." ”

10. Xiaomei wrote down her wishes when she grows up in her composition book: 1. I hope to have a lovely child; 2. I also hope to have a husband who loves me. As a result, I found that the teacher wrote a comment: "Please pay attention to the order. "

11. Who do you think is the most influential physicist? I wrote "Newton". As a result, I was the only one in the class who failed. It turned out that everyone named the instructor Write it down...kao, what kind of world is this? 12. Use "either...or..." to make a sentence, Xiao Ming: Popsicle fifty cents! Either...or

1. My wife has been thinking about it recently. Fa Zi asked me to quit smoking. During a break at work today, I took out a cigarette and gave it to the second boss. The boss stretched out his hand. I opened the cigarette case and threw out a handful of melon seed shells. I was... shocked.

3. There was a college girl who broke up with her boyfriend and said: "I found a boyfriend from the physical education department. We have been dating for one year, and you have to pay me 2 yuan for loss of youth." "The boy was afraid of his "new boyfriend from the sports department" and wanted to find a way to vent his anger. On the day of payment, the girl and her new boyfriend arrived. The ex-boyfriend brought 10 boys. Each of them came over and gave the girl two hundred yuan, three or four. After the marriage, the girl couldn’t stop crying, and her new boyfriend also broke up.

4. I said to my father: “If you had worked harder and suffered a little more, I would be a rich second generation now. , just enjoy it every day, it’s all your fault. He thought about it and said, "You're right. Let's do this. You'll have to endure hardships from now on. From now on, your son will be the rich second generation. He can just enjoy life, okay?" I was anxious: "Why?" ! Oh, I endure hardship and let that little brat enjoy it? ! "Well, I think so too." "

5. The Tiger King and the Lion King were drinking in the bar. After drinking, they hugged each other and started crying. At this time, the fox waiter came over and asked: "Why are the two eldest brothers so sad? The Lion King patted the fox, pointed at the Tiger King and said, "He has a tigress at home, and I have a Hedong lion at home." Brother, how are you spending your days? "Hearing this, the fox immediately burst into tears and said aggrievedly: "Two eldest brothers, that vixen in our family is not worried! ”

7. I was sitting in the store, and suddenly a child rushed in quickly and jumped on me, which scared me to death.

I thought someone was hurting the child, and then she hid under the table. A man and a woman outside chased me and looked around. I thought it was a human trafficker. I didn’t say anything, so I let her hide. After a while, she hugged my legs and went crazy. Crying, someone from outside came in and pulled her. I didn't see the trick for a long time, and I only heard her saying pitifully: "Auntie! Help me! I don't want to get an injection!"

8. There was a little Lolita at home, and one morning I gave her Braiding. Loli: "Mom, do you know why my eyes are so big?" Me: "Do you still have to ask? Of course it's because my parents have big eyes." Loli: "No." Me: "Then why do you think it is?" "Lori: "Because you pulled up my eyelids when you were braiding my hair."

9. When I passed the elementary school after get off work, I saw a little girl asking a little boy: You know all the questions on today's exam. Do? Little boy: Yes. Little girl: So can you play basketball? Little boy: Yes, I can. Little girl: So what can’t you do? Little boy: I won't dislike you. As a result, the little girl kissed the little boy. oops! It’s outrageous, Holy Lover, think about yourself again, you deserve to be single, ah, what a painful realization...

2. The three of them brag about whose wife is the thinnest. Dumb: My wife’s scarf can be worn as clothing. Agua refused: My wife accidentally fell into the sewer while taking a shower. Xiao Ming said slowly: If my wife swallows an almond, others will think she is pregnant.

3. Have you slept? Pigs all go to bed so early! Not sleeping yet? Dogs are always so energetic! Want to curse? Monkeys are always less patient than humans! Want to flatter me? Bears are always so violent! Just ignore me? That's the way turtles do!

6. An African juvenile lion was sad and depressed, and its mother asked what was wrong. The little lion replied: I just ate someone, maybe a Chinese. The lioness is anxious: she eats people without looking at their passports! I told you earlier that their chemical elements exceeded the standard. Can our bodies and bones be able to withstand it? Dad Lion comforted him: "Don't be afraid. Chinese people who can come to Africa to hunt will receive special meals and drinks. This person should be a green food."

8. Biologists put a naked beauty and a camera in front of a very smart orangutan, and it chose the latter. The biologist asked the orangutan why he chose this way, and the orangutan replied: "I heard that this camera will automatically turn into a banana."

9. When Duan went to his girlfriend's house and saw no one in the living room, he shouted: "Where are you?" Girlfriend: "I'm washing dates. There's no one at home. Come and help me!" Duan was shy and said nothing. The girlfriend was impatient: "Come here quickly! What are you doing?" Dumb: "I'm taking off my clothes...".

11. The couple went out on a tandem bicycle for an outing. After the two of them climbed up a steep slope with great difficulty, the husband panted and said, "This, this slope is really steep and difficult to climb. I am exhausted!" The wife echoed, "Isn't it true? If it weren't for me, If you keep holding on to the brakes, we've already slipped."