A little joke about Putonghua

1, kill the panda, I am a national treasure!

2. Emergency communication: Please prepare a one-inch color photo, a copy of your ID card, a copy of your education and your resume, and send them to the National Space Administration. According to reliable sources, in order to celebrate the Mid-Autumn Festival, you should invite Chang 'e! (Bring your own rabbit)

3, ask what is in the world, but ask for one thing to drop another ~

4. Q: What do you like about me? A: I like you to stay away from me!

5, riding a white horse is not necessarily a prince, he may be a Tang priest; Not necessarily an angel with wings-mother said it was a bird man.

6. I heard that women are like clothes and brothers are like brothers. In retrospect, I actually streaked 19 years too many chefs!

7, the tiger is not arrogant, you think I am hello kitty! Xiao Lv is not arrogant. You think I'm Snoopy!

8. Get up and cry when you fall ~ ~ ~

9. Part I: Recalling the past, Redmi, pumpkin soup, a wife and a group of children. Part two: Look now, white rice, turtle soup, a child and a group of wives.

10, the undergraduate course is a master's degree, followed by a doctor, followed by a postdoctoral fellow. What about the postdoctoral fellow? If you are brave enough, you will be a soldier if you study for two years, a strong man if you study for five years, and a martyr if you study for seven years. What will happen after the martyr? The Ministry of Education will introduce a saint, two years of bronze, five years of silver and seven years of annuity. Girls who are willing to go back to school after graduation have a chance to get Athena! ! !

1 1. Today, when you woke up, there was a mosquito lying next to your pillow, and there was a will: I struggled all night, and your thick skin made me live in this world. Lord! Forgive him, I killed myself!

12, notice: Recently, autumn cold has come. Please take precautions. If you have a husband, you have to hold your wife. If you don't have a thermos for the time being, please take a gas tank (be careful). Please don't hug animals such as chickens and ducks to prevent bird flu. If you should fly to the south, you should change your hairstyle. Hibernate if you really can't.

13, if God wants to make people perish, he must first make people crazy; God wants people to be crazy, first of all, let them buy a house.

14, money is not the problem, the problem is no money.

15, diamonds will go bankrupt forever.

16, water can carry a boat and cook porridge.

17, two tigers are not allowed in one mountain unless there is a male and a female.

18, fire can test gold and women can test men.

19, it is not necessarily a monk who burns incense, but a panda.

20. If you are drunk, I will hold the wall if anyone refuses.

2 1, I am like a fly lying on the glass. Is there a future?

22. Q: Who is the darkest of all anime characters?

A: Doraemon.

Q: Why?

A: Because it is opaque.

Q: Of all the anime characters, who is the most helpful?

A: There are still many dreams.

Q: Why?

A: Because it always likes to lend a helping hand (round hand).

24. Wo Chun and I'm Stupid

Mume smells flowers, I have no culture.

I hate the bottom, I have a low IQ,

If you hear me lying like water, ask me who I am.

Eduardo Chun Lv. A big donkey.

The coast is green, I am a donkey,

The coast is green, I am a donkey,

The coast is as green as a daisy. I am an asshole.

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1. A bear is coming/ready (the bear is coming).

2. The eleventh book/Unbelievable (BOOK 1 1)

3. The sheep stopped breathing/expanding (the sheep didn't exhale)

The mobile phone must not fall into the toilet/it's now or never.

The dog stopped barking when he crossed the wooden bridge. /He never forgets anything.

6. Bees stop on the calendar/the sun is shining (bees and calendars)

7. painters like to draw thick ropes instead of thin ropes /superb (thick ropes are drawn)

8. There are ten sheep, nine are squatting in the sheepfold, and one is squatting in the pigsty /cadence.

9. The sheep called the eagle, and the eagle picked up the phone and said "hello"/"hello".

10. The hat is dirty. Turn it over and wear the dirty crown.

1 1. Who doesn't have a phone? /Tianyi (seamless mobile phone)

Who knows birds best? /bow to scare the birds and know the birds.

13. How to make sparrows quiet? /Press it (to silence the bird)

14. What kind of snake has many mouths? /conflicting views (snake)

15. What medicine is not toxic? /yam

16. Why is the iceberg just the tip of the iceberg? /The other corner was broken by the Titanic.

17. Xiao Bai, Huang Xiao and Xiao Lan take a long-distance bus. Who gets carsick? (White rabbit, dusk)

18. Xiaobai+Xiaobai =? A: White Rabbit (Xiaobaier)

19 What animal is the easiest to fall? Fox, because he is the most cunning.

20. The spider fell in love with the butterfly, but the butterfly refused it. Spider asks: Why? This is why! Butterfly said: My mother said that people who fool around on the Internet all day are not good people.

2 1. One day, Xiao Qiang asked his father: Dad, am I a stupid boy? Dad said: silly child, how can you be a silly child?

22. What about Xiaoming? He will have an exam tomorrow, but he is watching TV in the evening.

Xiao Ming's mother asked anxiously: Have you finished all the books? There will be an exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming replied brightly: Mom, I finished reading it.

Xiao Ming's mother praised Xiao Ming happily: Good boy, then you must do well in the exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming cried and said, Mom, I mean,' Mom, I think it's over'.

23. One day, Xiaoming was walking on the road. I suddenly feel sore when I walk! Why is this happening? Because Xiaoming stepped on a lemon!

24. One day, a university teacher asked a student that there were ten birds in the tree, one was shot dead, how many were left?

The student asked: Is it silent pistol? No, how loud was the shot? 80- 100 decibel. Is it illegal to shoot birds in this city? No offense. Are you sure that bird was really killed? Of course. At this time, the teacher was impatient: "Will you just tell me how many birds are left?" Are there some deaf birds in the tree? No. Have you ever been caged and hung from a tree? No. Are there any other trees nearby? Are there any other birds in the tree? No, if a bird is pregnant, is it a bird in its belly? Not exactly. Is there a flower in the bird photographer's eye? There are no flowers, only ten. The teacher was sweating all over, and the bell rang, but the students continued to ask: Are there any stupid birds that are not afraid of death? Fear of death. Would you kill two with one shot? No, the student said confidently, if your answer is not a lie, "if the bird that was killed hangs on the tree and doesn't fall, there is only one left." If it falls, there will be none left. " The teacher immediately foaming at the mouth fell to the ground!

25. A fat man jumped off a tall building and became a dead fat man.

26. A potholed man was crossing the road, but he was accidentally run over by a truck. When he was dying, he looked at his body. He said, "I stuffed it with bean paste, not meat."

27. Two people fell into a trap. The dead call the dead, what is the name of the living? Call for help.

28. Once upon a time, there was a swordsman. He was cold, his heart was cold, his sword was cold, and finally he died of cold.

29. A deer runs faster and faster on the road, and it becomes expressway.

30. One tomato was smashed by a stone, another tomato was smashed, another tomato was smashed, countless tomatoes were smashed, and the last tomato fell! ketchup

3 1. The soldier asked the company commander: What should I do if I step on a mine in the battle? The company commander was greatly annoyed: Shit, what can I do? Pay the price for stepping on it.

32. I'm very upset that I haven't heard from you for a long time. I thought of death, and I cut my pulse with potato chips; Hit you on the head with tofu; Jump over buildings with parachutes; Noodles. But none of them died. You invited me to dinner and supported me to death.

33. The elephant put shit in the middle of the road, and an ant just passed by. Looking up at the misty mountain peak, it couldn't help singing: Alasao, this is the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau! ~~~~

33. Two counterfeiters inadvertently created counterfeit banknotes with a face value of 15 yuan, and they decided to spend them in remote mountainous areas. When they bought a 15 yuan candied haws with 0 yuan, they cried and the farmer gave them two 7-dollar ones.

34. Your life portrayal: At the age of ten, learn to take a bath by yourself, and pigs can clean themselves; At the age of 20, I am radiant. When I am a pig, I am Mao. Looking for a job at the age of 30 and starting a pig-raising career; At the age of forty, I hired a servant, and the pig got a servant. Learn to play basketball at fifty!

35. A man climbed over the wall and went out of the school gate, and was caught by the headmaster. The headmaster asked: Why don't you enter the school gate? Answer: Meters, Bang Wei and Bang Wei don't take the usual road. The headmaster asked again: how did such a high wall cross over? He pointed to his trousers and said, Li Ning, anything is possible.

The headmaster asked again: What's it like to climb over the wall? He pointed to his shoes and said, Xtep, it feels like flying. The next day he entered the school from the main entrance, and the principal asked, why don't you climb over the wall? He said: Anta, I choose, I like it. On the third day, he wore a gangster costume. The headmaster said: You can't wear a gangster costume! He said, you are what you wear, Mason. On the fourth day, he wore a vest to school. The headmaster said he couldn't wear a vest to school. He said, man, simple is good, love fort clothes. The headmaster said I would give you a bigger score. He said: Why? The headmaster said, M-Zone, my site is my decision.

35. Attention robbers: Our employees only know Spanish. Please be patient when robbing. You'd better bring an interpreter. Thank you!

36. Without hair, dandruff is more prominent!

We should keep quiet when listening to the sermon in the church. It is impolite to disturb others' sleep.

38. thief a: count how much money was robbed today? Thief B: No, just read the newspaper tomorrow.

39. Go your own way and let others take a taxi.

Wear other people's shoes, go your own way and let others find it.

43. At a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy! ! ! ! !

44. Tigers don't send cats. You think I'm dying!

45. Once I ordered a song at ktv, a mm shouted loudly: Give me a stick to cut "Double Jay" every week.

46 ancient poems actually predicted last year's Super Girl Four.

Rain knocks on dreams and sighs.

(Spring) Spring has come, and flowers bloom and fall.

I don't know if I'm dreaming or waking up.

(1) Laugh and sigh for a hundred years.

A person's life is a state of fatigue.

(Chang) Drink till your heart breaks.

(1) the emperor is not angry and arrogant.

(2) Why do you feel inferior?

Cool breeze is not intoxicating.

No one in the shadow doubts himself.

It should be a good time.

(3) Will heaven come back?

Why mourn when the old god is still alive?

(Clean) It's all caused by acacia.

I laughed at myself at the end of time.

(4) It seems to swim with the clouds.

The head coaches of China, Japan and South Korea went to heaven together and asked God when their respective football teams would win the World Cup. God said: Korea needs 50 years. The Korean coach burst into tears: I won't see you again. God also said: Japan needs 100 years. The Japanese coach burst into tears: I won't see you again. China Coach quickly asked, What about us? God burst into tears: I'll never see it again.

48. Three white rabbits picked a mushroom.

The two big ones let the small one get some wild vegetables to eat together.

The younger one said I wouldn't go. If I leave, you will eat my mushrooms.

The two older ones said no and went ~ ~ ~

Half a year has passed, and the white rabbit hasn't come back yet. The big one can't come back. Let's eat.

The other big one said wait ~ ~ ~

A year has passed and the white rabbit hasn't come back yet. Don't wait for us to eat.

Just then, the little white rabbit suddenly jumped out of the nearby jungle and said angrily, Look! I know you want to eat my mushrooms.

49. Many things will have various tastes after being cooked ... so cooking? # 123; Always very particular.

But ... on the contrary ... something; It smells better if it's chilled. What is this?

Electricity. Because ... refrigerator->; Electricity-ice-(fragrance) .........

50. Cars can fly. Please guess a drink ... coffee. ...

Because ... (car)-(plane)

5 1. Once upon a time, a medium-rare steak and a medium-rare steak met in the street. Why don't they say hello?

Because: they don't know each other. ...

52. Q: What chicken runs fast in the world? What chicken is slow?

A: Chicken nuggets (quick)

Nicole Kidman (slow)

53. On the plane, a stewardess asked a little girl, "Why didn't the plane hit the stars when it was flying so high?"

The little girl replied, "I know, because the stars will flash!" "

54. Excuse me: Who gave you the water of forgetfulness?

Answer: Aha ~ ~ ~

Reason: "Aha, give me a cup of forgetful water ~ ~ ~"

55. Q: What animal sticks to the wall most easily?

A: Sea (newspaper) leopard

56Q: Who will help you eat when you are full?

A: Feilong, because Feilong is added in units of (days).

57. Which is dumb, the star, the moon or the sun?

Stars, because there is a saying in Lu's song, "The stars in the sky don't talk."

58. What's the name of this pencil?

Xiao, because: sharpen (Xiao) pencils.

59. Four people are playing mahjong in the room. Why did the police come and take five people?

Because the person they play is called "Mahjong"

60. Let me tell you a touching story.

Get out of here! The story of arresting people

6 1. Female: "I might as well marry you if I marry the devil."

Man: "That's impossible, because consanguineous marriage is forbidden."

Once upon a time, there was a white cat and a black cat. One day, the white cat fell into the water and the black cat saved it. The white cat said a word to the black cat.

Q: What is this sentence?

.................... "meow"

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Four surgeons sit together and talk about who they like to operate on.

The first doctor said, "I like operating on librarians best." When you open their bodies, inside

Everything is arranged alphabetically. "

The second doctor said, "I like operating on accountants best." When you open their bodies, everything is under pressure.

Number arrangement. "

The third doctor said, "I like operating on electricians best." When you find their bodies, everything is useless.

Color code. "

The fourth doctor said, "I like operating on Japanese best." The other three doctors looked at each other and said

close

Wondering what one of them asked. The fourth doctor said, because they have no heart and no spine, and their butts and heads can be exchanged.

Japan's five most annoying jokes (2)

A man called a Japanese businessman and said, "I'm looking for Mr. Taro." The operator said, "Sorry, he went last week.

The world no longer exists. "The next day, the man called again and wanted to talk to Kazutaro. This time, the operator got a little bored and said

I've been telling you that he died last week. Why are you calling? "The man said," because of me.

I just want to hear it. "

Japan's five most annoying jokes (3)

A Japanese is eating in a restaurant in China. When the waiter brought plates of lobster, the Japanese asked, excuse me.

What do children do with leftover shrimp shells? ""Of course, "said the waiter." Don't! Don't! Don't! "The Japanese repeatedly shook his head.

The boss said, "In Japan, leftover shrimp shells are sent to the factory, made into shrimp cakes, and then sold to you in China.

"After a while, the waiter brought another plate of fruit. The Japanese pointed to one of the lemons and asked, "What about you?

Dispose of the remaining lemon peel? ""Of course, "said the waiter." Don't! Don't! Don't! "Said the Japanese shook his head.

"In Japan, the leftover lemon peel is sent to the factory to make fruit treasures, and then sold to you in China."

When checking out, the Japanese asked the waiter with a smile while chewing gum, "What should I do with the leftovers?"

Gum? ""Of course I threw up, "said the waiter." Don't! Don't! Don't! "The Japanese proudly shook his head.

"In Japan, chewed gum is sent to factories, made into condoms, and then sold to you in China.

The waiter asked impatiently, "Do you know how to deal with used condoms in China?" "Of course.

I dropped it. "Japanese humanity. The waiter shook his head and said, "No! Don't! Don't! In China, we throw away used condoms.

Go into the factory, make chewing gum and sell it to you in Japan. "

Japan's five most annoying jokes (4)

A taxi is driving on the way to Chicago airport, and a Japanese tourist is sitting on it. At this time, one

A taxi passed by and the Japanese shouted, "Look, Toyota! Made in Japan! How fast! " soon

Another taxi passed by. "Look, Nissan! It's made in Japan! It's too early! " Another taxi passed.

The past "hey! It's Mitsubishi made in Japan! Very fast! " Taxi drivers are 100% American. Look at that.

Seeing that so many Japanese cars have surpassed their American cars, plus the arrogant language of that Japanese, I can't help but get annoyed.

When another taxi overtook it, the taxi pulled into the airport parking lot. "It's Honda! Made in Japan! quick

Great! There's no cure! "The taxi driver stopped and pointed angrily at the meter and said," 1500 dollars.

. ""so close to 1500 dollars? ！” "meter! Made in Japan! Very fast! There's no cure! "

Japan's five most annoying jokes (5)

There is an American, a German, a Japanese and a China on a plane. The plane flew halfway.

Suddenly out of breath, the captain announced that he would jump off the plane alone to reduce his weight, so the American played his personal role.

Masculinity went to the door of the plane and shouted: Long live the United States and other countries! ! Then I jumped! plane

Continue to fly ... at this moment, the captain announced: the weight is still too heavy, and one person will jump! So the Germans

Just stand up, walk to the front of the plane door and shout: Long live the German Empire! Jumped down, too Aircraft inheritance

Keep flying ... at this moment, the captain announced: no, it's still heavy, you must jump alone! China people look.

Gave the Japanese a look, stood up and walked to the door of the plane. The Japanese came quickly and held China's hand tightly:

Good brother, I won't forget you! The people of China shouted: Long live the people and country of China! ! Take a step.

The Japanese were kicked down! ! ......