The adult world: Simply, it is the rejection with the highest emotional intelligence

“If you don’t want to agree to something from others, you must refuse it the first time, and refuse it outright from the beginning. By refusing outright, you avoid over-consuming yourself and give back the right to choose. Giving it to the other party gives both parties more time and opportunities to choose, which is a good thing for both themselves and others. ”

This article has been authorized

Author: Gleanings

In the past three months,

I have done two very unethical things.

First, let me tell the relevant people Say "I'm sorry."

First thing: about recruiting.

In January, we posted a recruitment notice—recruiting a copy editor.

After reading the application materials of many people,

After comprehensively considering all factors,

I feel that some people are not suitable for us,

So I didn’t prepare for the interview,

So I replied to the email and rejected them.

When rejecting these people,

I was worried that direct rejection would be embarrassing,

so I used a more tactful way of saying:

"After reading your work,

I think the manuscript is quite good,

but the writing style is not suitable for us."

After receiving my reply, some applicants

re-sent other works,

"Look, these are my articles in other styles."

After reading the article, I replied:

"This is still not the style we want."

Some applicants just forget it when they see my reply like this. ,

But some persevered and rewrote the manuscript,

"This is an article I rewrote in imitation of your style."

In the end, I had to reply:

"Not only the writing style, but also your XX is not suitable for us."

The other party sent an email very angry:

"Why Didn't you tell me earlier? You delayed me for more than a month."

The second thing: about lectures.

In early January,

A friend with whom we were not close friends

found me on WeChat:

“I want to Please give our company a writing class..."

As for me,

One of the most annoying things is to give lessons to others,

But I was afraid that I would hurt someone's face by refusing directly,

so I said tactfully:

"I'm too busy at this time, let's talk about it later."

< p> In late January,

this friend came to see me again,

I said euphemistically:

"I'm still very busy. Let’s talk about it after the Spring Festival.”

I thought he should understand: in the adult world, if you don’t simply agree, you will refuse.

But people don’t think so.

After the Spring Festival, he came to see me again.

This time I explained the real reason:

"Sorry, I don't like lectures."

The other party sent a series of angry expressions:

"I told our boss that you are going to give lectures, how do you want me to deliver the work now."

Yesterday, when I was scrolling through Weibo,

I saw One thing the writer Liu Tong said.

Liu Tong said that his friend Xiao Ying,

sent a message in Moments.

This message made him very sad.

This message reads:

“We are all adults,

You don’t have to lie to me or be tactful,

< p> Don't talk about other things,

I'm not angry at your refusal,

I'm just angry that you're wasting my time.

"

When I saw this sentence written by Xiao Ying,

I was as enlightened as Liu Tong.

In the past,

< p> When I encounter something I don’t want to do,

I always worry that decisive refusal will embarrass people, make people sad, and hurt interpersonal relationships,

So I Often using very euphemistic expressions,

saying something specious and ambiguous.

After seeing this sentence written by Xiao Ying,

I suddenly realized:

If you don’t want to agree to something from others,

You must refuse firmly and simply.

Simply refuse is the highest emotional intelligence. > Why is simply rejection the most emotionally intelligent way to do it?

First: Don’t consume yourself

There are many things you don’t want to do,

If you don't refuse outright at the first time, it will often cost you a lot of time and energy.

Just like the recruitment I mentioned above,

Just because I didn’t refuse simply enough,

not only wasted other people’s time,

but also consumed a lot of my time and energy.

Let’s give another example. Right.

After Qi Baishi became famous,

many friends came to ask for paintings.

He was too embarrassed to refuse at first,

but in the end He was exhausted,

and finally fell ill.

Qi Baishi finally figured it out,

so he posted it in the living room. The "tell" came out:

"Selling paintings regardless of friendship is a gentleman's shame. Please pay according to the rules. ”

“Flowers plus insects and birds, each adds ten yuan; wisteria plus bees, each adds twenty yuan.” ”

“It is inappropriate to go back and patch up a painting that has already been painted.” ”

“It is inappropriate to add titles to paintings that have already been painted.” "

As soon as the "report" came out,

friends were embarrassed to ask for paintings.

Mr. Shiraishi finally "relaxed".

p>

Rejecting others decisively can save us a lot of time and energy

If some people want to break up with you because of this,

Let them go.

People who break up with you because they are rejected are the ones you will lose sooner or later.

Two: Don’t delay others.

I have a small principle:

“Never have financial dealings with ordinary relatives, friends, or colleagues. ”

If you and I were just friends,

and you came to borrow a sum of money from me,

I would simply refuse:

p>

"I'm sorry, I have a principle, which is not to have financial dealings with others. ”

Such a very straightforward refusal,

Most of my friends expressed understanding,

A small number of friends will think that I am stingy,

But no one resented me for this.

When I was younger,

when friends came to me to borrow money,

because it was good. To save face and fear of offending others,

I will use very tactful expressions,

“I just bought something and I have no money left. "

"Sorry, I lent the money to my sister last week. "

As a result, such remarks offended many people.

My friends will think that I am particularly fake:

"If you don't want to borrow it, just pretend. What a pretense. ”

“If you don’t want to borrow it, forget it. Is there any need to lie?” ”

Many things in real life are like this,

Most of the things that offend people,

are not rejected directly,

But the rejection was vague and specious.

A classmate of mine in high school,

wanted to buy a house last year,

but the down payment was short of 50,000 yuan

So I ran to borrow it from a friend.

This friend said: "I didn't bring my card today."

My classmate ran to borrow it again.

This friend said: "Yeah, I forgot to bring my card again."

On the third day, my classmate ran to borrow it again.

This friend hesitated: "We also want to keep it to buy a house..."

My classmate's face turned pale with anger,

He hurriedly ran to the house. Other friends borrow money.

On the fourth day, when he got the loan,

all the houses in this real estate had been robbed.

My classmate resented this friend very much:

"If you don't want to borrow it, just tell me earlier so that I can find someone else to borrow it..."

So Ah,

If you don’t want to agree to something from others,

be sure to refuse it at the first opportunity,

just refuse it from the beginning.

You simply refuse,

not only avoids excessive consumption of yourself,

but also returns the right of choice to the other party,

It leaves more time and opportunities for both parties to choose,

This is a good thing for both ourselves and others.

Third: It can also avoid major damage.

Let’s talk about a case that happened in Hangzhou.

In March 2017,

In a community in Binjiang District, Hangzhou,

a murder occurred: a girl fell from the 19th floor and died.

The person who pushed the girl off the tall building was her former high school classmate Xue.

Why did Xue push her off the tall building?

Because the girl rejected his advances.

Xue started to like this girl when he was in high school.

"I started chasing her since I graduated from high school in 2009."

But this girl I didn’t like him,

but because I didn’t reject him outright enough,

Xue was obsessed with her, and

bought her a Coach bag. , Casio camera, iPhone7 and other gifts.

This girl also accepted it,

which caused Xue to have an illusion,

"She still likes me a little bit."

In March 2017, the girl got tired of Xue’s pestering and finally couldn’t help but decisively refused.

But Xue couldn't accept this fact,

"I have chased you for so many years and invested so much time, experience and emotion. How could you treat me like this..." < /p>

So in a fit of anger,

He pushed the girl off the tall building.

This case tells us:

When faced with something you don’t want to do,

you must refuse decisively at the earliest possible time,

Never be sloppy or specious.

Your ambiguity and vagueness may lead both you and the other party into the abyss.

Say no earlier and simply,

Don’t give others any illusions or illusions,

It is your responsibility to yourself, and it is also your responsibility to the other party.

My son is still young.

So when some friends come to my house as guests,

they often tease them:

"You have so many toys, how about giving one to my aunt?" ?”

“Uncle likes this Transformer so much, can you give it to me?”

The son looked reluctant.

At this time, uncle and aunt will say:

"Don't give it to me? How stingy."

"Stingy, uncle is teasing you.

”

The children’s grandparents often come to educate their grandson:

“You must be generous as a person.” "

"Don't be so stingy! ”

Having grown up in such an environment,

we have subconsciously formed a concept - rejecting others is stingy, even if the other person's request is very excessive.

So much so that every time we want to reject others,

we have to bear a lot of psychological pressure

In our interpersonal relationships,

At least half of the problems and troubles

come from such "bad rejection"

We always want to be responsible for other people's emotions

< p> We have completely forgotten one thing:

Time is originally my own,

Energy is originally my own,

Property is originally my own My own,

It is my duty to help you, and it is my duty not to help you.

It is my right to refuse!

So! ,

When others make this kind of joke to my son,

I always tell my son:

"This is your own thing, < /p>

If you are willing to give it to others, give it to others.

If you are not willing to give it to others,

Just tell them directly,

I'm sorry, I will do it. Less than. ”

Adults should be like this even more.

Adults’ rejection

should be decisive and straightforward,

without consuming oneself , Not delaying others,

is a kind of true kindness.

"I'm sorry, I can't do it. "

"Sorry, I don't want to go. "

"I'm sorry, I'm tired too. "

"I'm sorry, although you like me, I don't like you. ”

For those who don’t want to do something they don’t want to do,

Simply saying no is the most emotionally intelligent answer.

Respect each other’s time, energy, and emotions,

p>

It is truly responsible for the other party.