Humorous jokes that make fun of women

Duanzi is an artistic term in cross talk, which refers to a paragraph or an artistic content in cross talk works. With the frequent use of the word "Duan Zi", its connotation has quietly changed. The following is my collection of humorous jokes that tease women. I hope you like them.

Humorous jokes about women 1 1 I feel that my weekend is as wonderful as martial arts novels: "This ... where is this?" Why is it black ... "

"Hero, you finally wake up! A quilt attacked you this morning when you were unprepared. You've been in a coma for half a day. Are you hungry? Let me help you get up for breakfast. This weather ... let's have a meal. "

2. Me: "Boss, I want to add two eggs, two fried dough sticks and two sausages to my pancake fruit."

The boss said, "The extra money is enough to buy two books. Buy two directly and you can eat an extra spoonful of batter. "

Me: "Boss, do you know what King's Landing is?" ! Have you ever seen a king care about that spoonful of batter? "

"In order not to be late for work, I bought a rooster that can crow."

"Then why are you still late today?"

"The stewed chicken was so delicious that I got up late when I couldn't sleep after eating."

I am a patient person at work. If the customer doesn't understand me for a while, I can spend five or six hours in a row until he nods to understand, and I enjoy it.

I took a bottle of coke on the subway today. After drinking, I kept carrying an empty bottle and didn't find the trash can. Who told us that all our friends are high-quality? But no matter how high the quality is, little sister, what do you mean by handing me your empty bottle?

Do I look like an uncle who picks up empty bottles? ! !

Humorous jokes about flirting with women 2 1. I said to keep a low profile. But you have to give it to me.

A thief sneaked into a heavily guarded place in the middle of the night. After opening the vault with great difficulty, he found it was full of jelly. The tired and hungry thief ate all the jelly in a rage and left. The headline of the local newspaper the next day was: "Shocked! Sperm bank was stolen crazily.

The furthest distance in the world is: we go out together, you buy four generations of apples and I buy four bags of apples.

4. A man happened to meet Xifeng. After a long hesitation, he asked in a low voice, "May I take a photo with you?" Jie feng shouted, "No, I won't sleep with you!" All eyes were on the two men, and the man replied awkwardly. After a while, Xifeng came over and whispered, "I'm sorry, I'm studying psychology recently, just to test people's reaction in embarrassing situations." The man shouted, "Thirty dollars? Too expensive! "

5. Two friends haven't seen each other for a long time, and they have dinner together to eat jiaozi. Sam suddenly asked Han Di: Do you know what gender jiaozi is? Cold brother a face of doubt, eat jiaozi for so many years, don't jiaozi is both men and women. Hehe, it's silly, it's a man, and Jiaozi has a foreskin.

6. A three-year-old boy took the hand of a three-year-old girl and said, "I love you." The little girl said, "Can you be responsible for my future?" The little boy said, "Of course, we are not one or two years old!" "

7. The butterfly said to the bee, You are so stingy. You are full of sweet words, but you can't bear to give me a word. The bee said: Hum! Still talking about me, why didn't you text me with two antennas on your head?

In other words, that classmate was in primary school at that time. On the eve of the final exam. In the evening, he heard his parents discussing what to make him breakfast tomorrow morning. His mother said, why don't you make fried dough sticks and eggs? One fried dough stick and two eggs are a hundred points. After a silence, his father said that his scores in so many exams were not enough. Why not give him instant noodles to eat that "unification"

9. Parrot's reaction: There is a parrot hanging in front of a restaurant. When the guests arrived, he said, "Hello, welcome! A regular customer thought, "I'll go in quickly and see how you react." One day, he ran in and the parrot said, "Damn it! You scared me! ! !

10, when I was 18, she saw my mobile phone: "Brother-in-law, your mobile phone is good!" So her sister gave her the phone. /kloc-at the age of 0/8, she saw my notebook again: "Brother-in-law, your notebook is good!" "So her sister gave her the notebook. She is twenty years old and has grown into a beautiful girl. She looked at me shyly and said, "Brother-in-law, you are fine. "I'm waiting for her sister to talk. ...

1 1. The leader's son loves to lie. The leader bought a polygraph and one day his son came home late. Father: Where have you been? Say: the library reads books. The robot took a picture. Son: I went to my classmate's house to watch it. Father: How dare you? I haven't seen it before. The robot slapped his father. Mother thundered, You deserve to be so strict with your son. After all, he is your own. Bang! The robot gave her mother another big slap!

12. On the plane, an old father couldn't help looking at the stewardess a few more times. His daughter, who is only 18 years old, asked, "What are you looking at? Do you find it interesting? Why did you do this when my mother was away? " Father blushed: "eat quickly and cut the crap, or I won't take you out in the future!" " "Daughter muttered," I don't understand, my daughter is my father's lover in a previous life. How did I like you in my last life? "

13, I received a text message today: "From today on, my wife will start sleeping with someone else's husband. I have to wait happily for washing, changing clothes and taking a bath, and I have to ask him to take a gun." I can't understand it after reading it. How can there be such a cheap person! Later, when I saw the sender, Ray fell down on the spot ... It turned out that a friend gave birth to a son! There is such good news!

14, a company recruited female secretaries and hired psychologists as staff. The question is how much is+? The first answer is equal to; The second answer is equal to; The third answer is equal to or equal to; The psychologist said: "The first woman is practical but conservative; The second is fantasy; The third one is the most suitable. " Then ask the general manager how to decide. The general manager thought for a moment and said, "It's better to wear tights."

15, at the party, someone introduced me to a new friend, saying that he became a millionaire by speculating in stocks. Wow! Awesome! Admire you! I sat next to him and quietly asked him to teach me the secret. He said to me blankly, "Actually, there is no secret ... I used to be a multimillionaire."

Husband: Honey, I'm going to invite a colleague to dinner tomorrow night. Wife: What? ! Are you out of your mind? The house hasn't been cleaned for a long time, and I haven't been to the supermarket for a long time. I haven't washed 30 dishes at home, and I don't want to cook anything decent in the kitchen! Husband: I know, dear. Wife: Then why did you invite your colleagues to dinner? Husband: Because that silly boy is full of thoughts of getting married.

17, teacher: "The straight line between two points is the shortest", this axiom does not need to be proved, and everyone admits that it is universally applicable ~ "Learn together:" Can that be proved? "Teacher:" You have to prove it. You put a bone outside the rice and then let the dog go. It must run straight to the bone, without turning or detouring. Dogs know this truth, what else do they need to prove? "

18, the manager is talking to a beautiful girl: "Sorry, swimming is forbidden here …" Then why didn't you tell me before I undressed? ""We didn't forbid taking off our clothes. "

19, Xiaomei wrote down her wish when she grew up in her composition book: I hope to have a lovely child; I also hope to have a husband who loves me. It turns out that the teacher wrote a comment: "Please pay attention to the order."

20. Who do you think is the most influential physicist? I wrote Newton. As a result, I was the only one in the class who failed. Originally, everyone wrote the name of the tutor ......................................................................................................................................................................

2 1, use "either ... or ..." to make a sentence. Xiaoming: Popsicle is fifty cents! Also ... or.

22. Recently, my wife tried her best to make me quit smoking. Today, when I was having a rest at work, I took out my cigarettes and gave them to the big boss and the second boss. The boss held out his hand. I opened the cigarette case and sprinkled a handful of melon seeds. I was ... I was shocked.

23. It is said that a college girl broke up with her boyfriend and said, "I found another boyfriend in the physical education department. We have been dating for a year, and you have to give me the loss of youth. " Boys are afraid of their "new boyfriend in the sports department" and want to find a way to vent their anger. On the day of payment, both the girl and her new boyfriend were present. The ex-boyfriend brought a boy, and each of them came over and gave the girl 200 yuan. After three or four months, the girl cried and her new boyfriend broke up.

24. I said to my father, "If you work harder and suffer a little more, I will be a rich second generation now. Just enjoy it every day It's all your fault. " He thought, "You're right. Let me tell you something. You will suffer from hardship from now on, and your son will be a rich second generation in the future. Enjoy your life, okay? " I am anxious: "Why? ! Oh, I am in pain. Let the child enjoy it? ! ""Well, that's what I thought. "

25. The Tiger King and the Lion King were drinking in a bar and crying after drinking. Then the fox waiter came over and asked, "Why are the two big brothers so sad?" The lion king patted the fox and pointed to the tiger king and said, "There is a tigress in his house and a Hedong lion in my house. Brother, how did you spend your life? " When the fox heard this, he burst into tears and said, "Two big brothers, my fox is not at ease!" " "

I was sitting in the shop when suddenly a child rushed in and jumped on me, which scared me to death. I thought someone had hurt the child, and then she hid under the table, and a man and a woman followed her and looked around. I thought of the trafficker, but I didn't say anything, so I let her hide. Soon she hugged my leg and screamed, and someone outside came in to pull her. I didn't see anything for a long time, except that she said piteously, "Aunt! Help me! I don't want an injection! "

27. There is a little girl at home. One morning, I braided her hair. Lori: "Mom, do you know why my eyes are so big?" Me: "Do you still need to ask? Of course, because mom and dad have big eyes. " Lori: "No." Me: "Then why did you say that?" Lori: "Because you pulled my eyelids up when you braided my hair."

28. When I went to primary school after work, I saw a little girl asking the little boy: Can you do all the questions in today's exam? Little boy: Yes. Little girl: Can you play basketball? Little boy: Yes, both. Little girl: Then what can't you do? Little boy: I won't dislike you. As a result, the little girl kissed the little boy. Go against the sky, lover, and think about yourself again. You should be single. Ah, what a painful understanding.

29. Whose wife is thinnest than three people bragging? A Dai: My wife's scarf can be worn as clothes. Agua refused to accept: his wife accidentally fell into the sewer in the shower. Xiaoming Slow: My wife swallowed an almond, and everyone thought she was pregnant.

30. Have you slept? Pigs go to bed so early! Haven't slept yet? Dogs are always so energetic! Want to curse? Monkeys are always less patient than people! Want to hit me? Bears are always so violent! Just ignore me? That's turtle style!

3 1, an African underage lion was sad and depressed, and its mother asked what was wrong. The little lion replied, I just ate someone, probably from China. The lioness is anxious: eat people without looking at their passports! I told you before that their chemical elements exceeded the standard. Can our bones stand it? Father lion comforted him: Don't be afraid. China people who can hunt in Africa eat and drink for special reasons. This person should be green food.

32. When you are alive, you will be laughed at by others first, then you will smile at others, and then you will die laughing.

33. When A Dai went to his girlfriend's house and saw no one in the living room, he shouted, "Where are you?" Girlfriend: "I'm washing dates, there's no one at home, come and help me!" " "A Dai is shy and silent. The girlfriend is impatient: "Come on! What are you doing? A Dai: I'm taking off my clothes.

34. The couple went out for an outing by bike. After they climbed a big slope with difficulty, the husband panted, "This, this slope is really steep, it's really difficult to climb, and I'm exhausted!" " My wife echoed, "Yes, if I hadn't stepped on the brakes tightly, we would have slipped down." "

35. I'm glad to see everyone's stock plummet this afternoon. My stock didn't fall in the afternoon because it fell in the morning!

36. Tell a true story. There was a harassing call at 2: 45 p.m. As usual, I asked my husband how are you. Do you invest in stocks? After that, another girl smiled and said, "Should I call you at this time?" Then I hung up the phone .............................................................................................................................................................................

China fans are not alone, investors are with you! Some people joked that, as the two activities that can disturb Chinese people most, China stock market and China football have many similarities: scolding, addiction, popularity, hurting people, mentality and hope.

38, bought a Pacific insurance, three meals are not guaranteed; I bought life insurance and became thinner and thinner; If you buy peace, it is difficult to be safe all night; After buying a business, I was hurt all over; I bought a fund and cramped every day; I bought oil, but there is no oil in the pot.

39, the stock market scenery is particularly good! A piece of green oil. I stand on a high mountain guarding this beautiful scenery and my home for our motherland.

40. "At three o'clock today, I quietly tore up my resignation letter. I devoted myself to a slightly unfamiliar job with a hundred times of enthusiasm ... "This was one of the most popular jokes yesterday, so it's not too much to say that it was inspirational, right? The market goes on as usual, and life goes on.

4 1, there is no worst, only worse! ! The rhythm of "5 30" is not only because it gives you a holiday. As for letting your brother "5 28" come out to scare everyone, fortunately, it can only drop by 10%.

42. Laozi successfully avoided countless daily limit, but failed to avoid it.

43. My heart beat when I first saw you, and I screamed when I dreamed of you for the first time. You big straw bag, secretly hiding in the wheat field and giggling!

44. Yesterday, Alipay was paralyzed in a large area because an optical cable in Xiaoshan, Hangzhou was cut off. What internet plus, what 4.0, and what big data are actually not shovels in traditional industries. So the stock market plummeted today.

45. The magic of China stock market is that you will always step into the same river twice. 528=530=—6.5%

46. Finally, I have come. Some time ago, I said "Don't envy, don't follow the trend", so now there is no joy or sadness.

47, men are not jealous, and their feelings are not rich; Women are not jealous, and families are not harmonious; Children are not jealous, and their studies are not progressing; Old people are not jealous, and the more they live, the more confused they become; Everyone will be jealous and society will progress; Be confused and be smart.

48. At first glance, you are not so good. If you look carefully, you might as well take a quick look.

49. The most painful thing in life is that there is no goods in your stomach. The most painful thing in life is that there is so little goods in your stomach.

50. I was also an infatuated seed, but it rained and drowned.

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