A girl who once suffered from depression said: My life should not be spent like this.

My last article (Memoirs of First Love) mentioned the reason why I broke up with Z. In fact, I got depression in my second year of high school and went to the hospital for diagnosis.

Let's start with Z. Since junior high school, I have spent my summer vacation at Z's house. We signed up for a cram school and went shopping and watched movies together. In the last month of Grade Three, we bought test papers together, supervised each other on QQ every day, worked on test papers together until the evening 12, and volunteered in Internet cafes together. We are very lucky. She is good at English and I am good at math. After school on weekends, we go home by bus. I think ... our friendship with her will last forever ... but the annoying thing of depression finally forced me to say goodbye to her.

? Never again.

? She is very kind to me. Even though she comes from a poor family, she can still grow into a tolerant, generous and kind girl. At first, she knew I was sad, so she drew eight pages with our past and future written on them. She is sincere to me, so am I, and I like her very much.

Admittedly, there are many reasons for the breakdown of my friendship with her, but my depression is definitely the biggest reason. Who can stand a person who has negative emotions every day? Who has such negative emotions every day? It is impossible to tell you that. It is impossible. Ah, I am sad. I don't know why I want to stay in a corner and die silently. I always remember the past with you, crying three times a day and crying all the time. No day is really happy. It is better not to cry for a day. I am surrounded by people who need comfort every day. A very happy day, I met a depressed person, like it rained cats and dogs. I am like a bottomless pit, full of holes, and I am like an abyss. As soon as you stared at me, you fell into my dark mood. At that moment, I was a vampire, devouring your happiness and giving you endless pain.

Why are you depressed? After the death of family members, the study pressure is great and interpersonal communication is not smooth. Originally a sensitive and strong girl, she began to feel inferior and cowardly, afraid to look others in the eyes, and a small word seemed to kill me seriously. At that time, I really wanted to escape from this high school where I was imprisoned. It was so close to me that I almost dropped out of school. At that time, it happened that senior students in senior three were attending the graduation ceremony, which also meant that the tallest teaching building was empty. I ran frantically to the desired floor, opened the window without security window and looked at the dark crowd below. They are very happy. It feels good to leave school. I looked at them with envy and didn't want to wait another year. So I stepped on the windowsill with one foot, but I was so weak. I'm afraid that my parents will see my worthless daughter. I can't be their pride, but I can't bring them pain. I'm afraid that my classmates will see my body pointing, and there will be a lot of people talking about it. All kinds of pictures flashed through my mind, scene after scene, which bound me a little and then fell back to the ground, yes. I am really weak, even if I die, I dare not die vigorously.

? When did that make me feel that life should not be spent like this? Thanks to all the people who gave me warmth during this period. Their patience lit up my darkness like a small candle, and their care turned into long hands, pulling me out of the abyss bit by bit.

It has been said before that people with depression can only see their own pain, making everyone or everything in the world empty except her, unable to perceive the beauty of the world and uninterested in anything. For me, it's not that I don't care about anything, but I hope to remember your kindness in my lifetime.

When I was a freshman, I made two friends, a man and a woman. The boy's name is J for the time being, and the girl's name is X. Later, in the process of getting along with J, I became very close friends with each other. J is gay and likes a boy in our class. Later, I was placed in different classes. I'm not in the same class as J and X. X chose Wen, and J and I chose Li.

? When it comes to X, there is an unspeakable guilt and regret in my heart. I believe that a person and a friend are always naive. Once Z feels neglected, I will subconsciously alienate X, but X gives me understanding and tolerance. Later, after saying goodbye to Z, X came to see me from time to time and talked with me, which gave me a lot of warmth and touch.

Because J chose science like me, our class is very close. After school at noon, he will bring some small gifts, just to make me happy, share interesting things in their class with me and ask me if I should confess to him. That's another story. Sometimes, he will have lunch with me. He wrote me a warm message on my birthday.

? At that time, there was a boy in the class who studied very well. His name was L. I don't know why, but I knew I was abnormal at that time, so I borrowed a book called The Road Few People Walk. Many words in it gave me great strength. There is a saying that "if you can't solve the problem, it will become a problem", which urges me to constantly heal myself. My life should not be full of negative energy every day, should not die in the most vigorous stage, should not be like a walking corpse, should not be a dying old man. I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I don't want to, I can't I was not born in this world to die. If so, why was I born? I believe that everyone exists in this world and must have the meaning of his existence.

During this period, the care given by the class teacher is unforgettable in my life. Ms w was 26 years old and talked to me many times. I feel that my emotions have influenced her, because, ah, I saw her wiping her tears. In fact, she is very strong. A young girl with great pressure became the grade director of our grade in high school. I slept in her office for a month, and she stayed with me in winter. She is afraid that it is not safe for me to sleep in the office alone, that I am afraid, and that she will spend many days and nights with me without telling the superior school leaders. Besides, in order to take good care of us, she abruptly postponed the wedding for several months. But for me, I am extremely weak. I dare not tell too many people about her, especially the students in our class. Just because she is too strict, the students generally don't like her. I'm afraid that after I say I like her, I'll become a different person. She really poured out her heart to me. After the college entrance examination, I wrote to her and mailed gifts, but compared with her kindness to me, it was still not enough. When I am good enough, I want to see her. Tell her.

? And my first love gave me a lot of warmth and emotion. I won't go into details here. Friends who want to know can click on my home page, which is described in detail in the article "Memoirs of First Love".

In fact, more strength comes from your family, and your family's kindness to you is incomparable. At first, I didn't tell my parents It was my friend who first discovered that my condition was abnormal. Later, when I came home from vacation and saw my mother smiling at me, I couldn't hold back. I told my mom. After a long time, we went to the hospital in the provincial capital to find a psychiatrist. It's no use. I don't want to dissect myself completely in front of a stranger. Depression is accompanied by anxiety. A little thing can make me angry. After I calmed down, I fell into infinite self-denial. My mother took me to the lake to play. Even when I learned that I was going to play truant, I really lent me money to go to another high school. But I found it was my own problem, which had nothing to do with the school. Later, I dropped out of school and went to my old school. I deeply feel that I need to change, especially when I saw my mother sobbing slightly on the sink in the morning. She always smiles in front of me and cries.

? And my sister, how worried are you about me? From my hometown to the city where I go to school, I buy tickets every weekend, bring my two children to my side and bring me laughter. Brother, riding an electric motorcycle, send something to me after class. My father knew that I had come to my hometown to transfer, and immediately bought me a computer for my study, although it was later transferred back. ...

? Knowing that this state is wrong, I started the road to cure, bought books on psychology, and began to think of ways in theory, plus the healing of time and the concern of parents and teachers. Although I am still sensitive and think too much, and I am afraid of doing something wrong, so I sometimes dare not express my views, but I have really come out and will not fall into endless self-denial.

Now, I tell my current boyfriend my experience (a college classmate who decided to have sex during the epidemic, and his story is written separately). He said that there is no real empathy in the world, so he just loves me very much, but he doesn't know the root of my little problem and can't comfort me. Yes, I think it's quite right. After some experience, I want to learn to heal myself. I don't want to bring too much negative energy to others, and I'm not in the mood to recall.

I write this article in the hope that if I have a friend who is depressed, and if I can't stand the idea that someone has been spreading negative energy around you, then don't hurt her for the second time, have a good talk and slowly dilute the relationship. Not everyone can come out. If you can, believe me, you will be remembered by him and treated well for life.

The icing on the cake can be seen everywhere, and it is rare to send charcoal in the snow.

If you are depressed, take your time. Although the world is not so good, it is not as bad as you think. I really like what Roman Roland said. "There is only one kind of heroism in the world, and that is to love life after recognizing the truth of life."

Then, I hope my story will give you strength. Depression can come out. When you are willing to reach out, the whole world is pulling you.

Share some warm music.

Hua Chenyu's "I really want to love this world"

Mika Nakashima's "I thought about it once and for all"

Wei Ruxuan's "With You"

I hope my words can bring you warmth.

-Between the lines.

? Written on Sunday, April 5, 2020