Embarrassing idiotic funny phrases

Lead: Baidu knows that someone asked: Ask for a costume TV series. The plot is that the hero falls into a cave to eat mushrooms. Isn't it amazing? Some people say it's "Jin Jian Diaoling", others say it's "The Condor Heroes", and the last person answers: Super Mary. ...

1. Before the exam, the children who studied well said, "I went to the exam!" " If you don't study well, say, "I'll go!" Exam! " After the exam, the child who studied well said, "I finished the exam!" " "Those who are not good at learning say," Shit! It's over! "

2, an aunt selling vegetables, a stall of vegetables, a stroke in the middle of the hand, divided into two piles. The buyer asked: How much is a catty here? A: 2 yuan. Ask again: What about that one over there? A: 2.50 yuan. Q: Why? A: That's better. Then I bought two and a half dollars. Soon sold out of $2.50 a catty. Then, with one hand, it became two piles. ...

It is said that one day I had a stomachache and hurried to the toilet. After taking off my pants, it took me a long time. Bang, I farted. Then I heard the buddy in the pit next door: "Holy shit …" When I finished, the buddy said: Brother, do you have any paper? You scared me just now, and the paper fell into the pit!

One day, when I got on the bus, I saw a woman holding a dog. I looked at it, and it looked at me, so I kept looking, and kept looking ..... Then the woman saw it, looked at the dog, looked at me, and finally said to me, "Do you know each other?"

I went out for a buffet yesterday and met a group of people. I ate a buffet in 50 yuan. They ate fifty chicken legs, eighty chicken wings and fifty cans of coke. How do you think they drink it? Take five bottles before you leave. The waiter won't say, we can't take them out here. Just listen to them and give me forty drumsticks! The boss is impatient, let them get out with coke!

6. I have a stomachache today and I am squatting in the toilet. At this time, a mobile phone controlled me to play with my mobile phone, eat bread and butter and go to the toilet. I was shocked at that time. This is not gc. Finally, when I saw him leave, I took out the toilet paper and wiped my mouth, then put on my pants and left with my mobile phone! Should I remind him?

7. A sexy beauty walked naked from the bathroom of the nightclub to the bar. Sit down defiantly Give the bartender the middle finger. The bartender rushed over and the beauty asked, is your manager there? Bartender: No, he's out. The beauty put her hand into the bartender's mouth and the bartender sucked ten fingers one by one. The beauty looked at the bartender with satisfaction and said to the bartender, tell your manager that there is no paper in the bathroom.

8. On the way home, I saw two Xiong Haizi quarreling again, so that one of the children suddenly pointed at me and said to the other, "That's how you grew up!" Two people who didn't quarrel so fiercely can't even pull apart now!

9. I'm very sad that my little fish, which I kept for half a month, died. I think I must give it a grand funeral and bury it underground, lest the cat dig it out; Water burial, afraid of being caught by crabs, decided to cremate it after careful consideration, so I brought firewood and a lighter. Who knows, the more roasted, the better. ..............................................................................................................................

10, the last time I took a taxi, the driver's big brother was breathing like snoring. Although I saw his eyes open, I kept looking at him nervously. Eldest brother seems to know what I'm thinking, but he said, "You're fine. The last time I drove a buddy, I kept shaking him and said don't sleep ... "

1 1. My son lifted his mother's skirt in the supermarket. Dad angrily pulled him aside and asked him, "Are you doing the right thing?"? The son shook his head and the father asked, "What should I do if I am wrong?"? The son shook his head again, and the father was even more angry and said, "I have told you many times, but you just can't remember." If you want to lift it, lift the aunt next to you. "

12, one day, the English teacher asked the students: Do you want to double your homework tonight? The students replied in succession: double, not double, double ... After a while, just listen to me: rob the landlord.

13, sitting in the living room watching TV, my mother is eating mangoes. After eating, she asked me, "Does this dress need washing?" I looked at it and said, "It's time to wash." As a result, she wiped her hands on my clothes and left. . .

14, m: honey, I'm sorry, I was wrong. Woman: I don't trust you anymore. Man: I swear to God, I have never lied to you. Even if I lie to you, I'm really lying.

15, a person loves you for a reason. You are good-looking, and he may love your beauty; If you have money, he may love your money; If you are sensible, he probably loves your sensibility; If you are ugly, poor, greedy and lazy, and he still says "I love you", then congratulations, you have met a liar again.

16. Today, my friends and I went riding motorcycles. I sit in the back. When I meet the traffic lights, I will come down and lift my crotch. Unexpectedly, the red light suddenly turned green, and my buddy rushed out on a motorcycle, leaving me alone in the wind.

17, a female colleague who just got her driver's license insisted on driving my car. There is no other way but to make her addicted. I took the co-pilot to help me point out that after only a few intersections, my brother was scared to cry. Your sister, if you turn left, it will rain, and if you turn right, it will rain. What do you mean? . .

18, colleague Li Si bought fruit six, and I said enviously, "Dude, local tyrant!" Li Si proudly said: "The second-hand mobile phone I bought is cheap, and it can be forced! Brother, learn! " ..... Li Si bought a car, and I asked enviously, "Dude, how many hundreds of thousands is this? ! "Lisi:" The used car I bought is only 1/3 of the new car, brother, learn! " ..... I married Li Si ... I kept silent. ...

19, unable to find a job after graduation, staying at home and playing games all day. My mother was disappointed and said to me, "You are an adult and you still play games at home all day. What can I do in the future? " This word woke up the dreamer: yes, I am an adult, and I can go to the Internet cafe to play games.

20. I vaguely remember that one morning a year ago, I had to take an exam in theoretical mechanics. My roommate got up to review and accidentally nailed his foot on the ladder of the bed. I gave him a blank look. "Why are you hanging on the side?" ..... A year passed, and my roommate took this test again and again, but failed. I wonder if my mouth was touched by something. What a coincidence. Forget it, my roommate's murderous eyes are fierce! !

2 1. My mother always likes to buy long and imperfect fruits. When asked why, her old man said simply, "An imperfect fruit always tries to grow sweet, just like an ugly person, always tries to improve other abilities ..."

22, ask a sister, what kind of boy do you like to laugh, she said she likes boys who smile and shine all over, I think, are you fucking in the middle!

23. In a final exam, a boy came in and said to two invigilators, "Uncle, today is your invigilator ~". Two teachers smiled at him, and then the exam began. Whether this classmate is reading a cheat sheet or peeking at others, both of them turn a blind eye. After the exam, one teacher said to another, "Your nephew is very naughty!" " The other one was startled and said, "No, I thought it was your nephew ..."

24, limbs developed, aggressive, once injured a classmate at school, went to the hospital and spent a lot of money, afraid to tell home, so I borrowed it from my classmate. A classmate lent me the most ... after a while, she had no money to eat and urged me to pay back the money. I couldn't help it ... Soon, she became my girlfriend ... Finally, she took me to her home to meet my parents.

25. One of my classmates was invited by his parents. After his mother arrived at school, the teacher said to her, "How serious it is for your son to skip classes in physical education class during the day." After being scolded by the teacher, they walked out of the office. When passing by the corridor, I heard his mother pointing at his head and yelling at him: "Other people's children wait until the evening to climb over the wall. Why do you want to go out during the day? " Won't you wait until evening? ! "I suddenly fell into chaos in the wind. ...

The baby will be born in a month. Today, my wife and I discussed the baby's future. The foodie wife said: at the age of four, she sent Shaolin Temple to practice her physique, at the age of ten, she sent New Oriental to learn to cook, and at the age of twenty, she opened a creative restaurant for him, so that he could innovate until he was old! I'll try both!

27. One day, my girlfriend and I went shopping to buy sunglasses. After picking for a long time, I finally picked one that I was satisfied with. After putting it on, I asked my girlfriend, "Is it nice?" She took a casual look and said, "All you need is an erhu!"

29. At the classmate's wedding, the classmate and his wife chatted easily! The host tried to interrupt several times, but failed. Finally, they stopped! Moderator: What a powerful dialogue this is, and what a loving couple this is. In this family, Xiao San can't even get in his mouth, how can he get in his legs! ? burst into thunderous applause ...

30. On the bus, a girl stepped on my foot, but gave me a white look: What are you looking at? I looked at her: I'm sorry, you really look like my first love. She said shyly, really? Then why did you break up? I answered slowly: My mother disapproves that I am gay.

Editor's note: Lao Wang: Master! I found that I have lost any interest in women recently! Instead, I am more and more obsessed with men! Master! Please help me! Master didn't speak! I saw him climb the beam in a hurry! Lao Wang: Does Master want me to be farsighted? Non-stick bar owners: Jenima! You put on your pants and talk! !

Qq signature is humorous.

Qq signature is humorous.

1, you fat bitch, always shifting my relationship with food.

If you think you are beautiful, you think too much.

Unfortunately, Toyota can't stop it.

You are brothers who grew up with a pair of pants. Can you lend me one?

The teacher said not to bring anything unrelated to the exam. Should I bring myself?

6. As the ancients said, men and women don't give and receive, please stay away from me.

7. If you don't leave, I will die.

8. I fell in love with you, but the alarm clock became our third party.

Once upon a time, a man spoke ill of me behind my back and later died.

10, when I passed you, my clothes were scratched and I didn't see any sparks.

1 1, beating is pro, scolding is love, and love is extreme.

12, you're half buried, don't drag in front of me, you big tree.

13, you are like a cucumber, you don't have to shoot.

14. Actually, when I wake up in the morning, I still have something to do, that is, go back to sleep.

15, you are like a bitter gourd, dressed so cool and looks so bad.

16, handsome boy, don't run, no matter how fast you run, you can't escape from my sister's palm.

17, sister, take care of your man and don't let him flirt around outside if possible.

18, no matter how handsome, it's not your husband. Don't envy his goodness.

19, a woman defected because you are incompetent, so don't always blame her for being coquettish.

20. Smoking is harmful to health. For the sake of your health, you have to think more.

2 1, do you know the energy of volcanic eruption? It is the momentum of women cursing the street.

22. You often brag, don't you? If you dare, you can really blow one for me.

23. What does it mean to be a traveler in your life? This girl will never understand.

24. Your love has shifted, but my heart has not changed.

25, women should not expect too much, in fact, simplicity is happiness, understand.

26. My temper is something you can never challenge. Be careful that my sister will ruin you.

27. Saving the world is a great event. There are usually superhuman beings. I'm just watching Superman's performance.

Don't be so grumpy now, or someone will turn over and cover you underground.

It's God's business to give you a chance. My job is to ruin your chances.

30, you mix so earth-shattering, sooner or later, the world will be unbearable.

3 1, I never believe what you say, so don't ask my forgiveness.

I am ugly, but I am gentle. I dare to walk in the street.

33. RMB represents your strength. I think you can only be mentally retarded now.

I gave you the right to love me, but I didn't give you the right to give up.

35, you are always pushing my limits, I have to kick you a few feet.

36. I love you vigorously, but you have completely hurt me. This love is really unreasonable.

I will do anything except love you.

38. The man I once loved is now my father.

39. But gold always shines. Besides, I am a diamond.

40. I like to record the teacher's lecture and fall asleep at night.

4 1, you can't even cheat, how can the teacher trust you to go to the society to experience?

Businessmen don't know how to hate their country and do their homework all day.

43, but gold will always shine, you glass slag can only reflect light.

44. The so-called low-key, but low-key high-profile.

45. Promise Chairman Mao: I will never pinch the flowers of my motherland again. I can pinch flowers and bones.

46. A good horse doesn't eat grass back, unless it is rotten fairy grass.

47. After winter, the world is divided into two parts, one under the covers and the other outside.

48. It's as cold as a joke, and life is like nonsense.

49. Every time I bring my test paper home, the first thing I do is to wear cotton trousers to meet the storm.

50. You give 60 points, I give 60 points. Why don't we pay a dollar and two cents?

High cold makes people feel uncomfortable.

Guide: I'm a bit of a tease. When I was a child, my family was in poor condition. I like ice cream, but I seldom have money to buy it. Once during the Spring Festival, I finally got the lucky money and rushed to the store. Winter in the south, you know. At noon, my mother came to see me eat, and when she saw me shivering, she said to her, Mom, Mom, I'm so cold ... I've been eating ice cream in my hand.

1. I was hospitalized with a fever. Pretty nurse from the hospital walked by, looked at the infusion bag and asked me how my fever was. I said, it's cooked!

2. Wife: I want to be an iron fan princess. Husband: Why? Wife: So if you make me angry, I can fan you away. Husband: You ... are really the most poisonous woman!

3. "Sir, you are late! I can't let you in! " The doorman at the cinema said to a person who was late. The man pleaded, "Can you open the door a little and let me in?" The doorman at the cinema said, "That won't do. Just open a small crack and the audience will squeeze out! " "

A doctor killed someone else's baby, and the baby's parents were very angry. They said to the doctor, "You should give my son a good funeral, but just give it back to me, or I will sue the official." The doctor promised to take it back for good treatment, so he put the body in the medicine box. On the way home, I was invited to see a doctor by another family. When I opened the medicine, I was accidentally seen dead. The patient was surprised to ask the reason, and the doctor said, "Someone died again, let me save him."

I was always curious about my father's razor when I was a child. Finally, one day, when my father was not at home, I tried to use it, but there was no beard at that time, so I had to try on my eyebrows. I was dumbfounded when I looked in the mirror ~ ~ ~ ~

6. The woman pulled the man's skirt and said, Today ... the day of repentance ... the man left 200 yuan with a sigh. ...

7. In junior high school, one of the physical examinations was color blindness. Take a notebook for example, each page is a pattern made up of small pieces of different colors. I don't know if everyone is the same. Some are numbers, some are stick figures. We went up one by one and reported what we saw to the doctor. It's usually nothing serious. After all, we have started physical examination since primary school. As a result, a classmate usually studies super hard. He went up and got a notebook, adjusted his glasses and said something that made us all fall down: "A pile of broken glass."

8. My neighbor's sister's underwear was blown to our balcony that day! I found Houda 'ao! Copy it up at once and lean on her balcony to help do it again. Well, then you all guessed right! ! My neighbor's sister just came out and saw me leaning hard with her freshly washed underwear in her hand. I don't want to live. She thinks I stole her underwear. ...

9. My number is always promoted by all kinds of real estate. Once a woman called and said, "Hello, we are in a total price store in XX, and the down payment is only * *, and there is no limit on purchases or loans." I am very excited to answer, "huh? Really? Where is it? There is such a cheap shop, um ... (disappointed) Unfortunately, I have no money. " The other party petrified immediately after listening.

10, my buddy has brains, his business is booming, and he earns a lot of money. His wife is in charge. I didn't expect my wife to use this money to raise a small white face outside. Finally ran away with someone else. Make some money. My buddy was so angry that he didn't get out of bed for two months and remarried a year later. His new wife blamed him and said, "How can a big man not leave any private money?" Otherwise, our life would not be so tight now. The friend said sincerely, "You are right. I will learn my lesson and change it in the future. "

1 1. Just watch TV with my wife. Don't call me brother. I pointed to the first woman and said, "Wife, this woman looks like you." "Really?" "Yes, as fat as you!" Okay, forget it, kneeling keyboard kneels on the wrong letter!

12. Opposite the female dormitory is the male dormitory. This night just entered the night, and everything was silent. Suddenly, I heard a boy's cry from the boy's dormitory building: "xxx, I love you!" " "In an instant, all the women across the building were blown up, and everyone envied whose boyfriend was so romantic. Just then, I heard another buddy shout, "Who called my name just now? ! "The world suddenly became quiet. ...

13, Xiaoming was driving a speeding car on the expressway and was stopped by the traffic police at the exit. The traffic police said, "I'll wait for you this afternoon." Xiao Ming said, "I know you are waiting for me here, so I came as soon as possible!" " "

14, wife: "Dear, my husband, a very close friend, said that she was a fireman and she put out her husband's fire. Then why are you still rushing? " Husband: "honey, you are the cashier!" Take my husband's money! " Wife: "..."

15, Xiao Ming was driving a speeding car on the expressway and was stopped by the traffic police at the exit. The traffic police said, "I'll wait for you this afternoon." Xiao Ming said, "I know you are waiting for me here, so I came as soon as possible!" " "

16, the high-speed train takes the last section and connects with the most expensive sightseeing bus. When standing, everyone will line up in front of the car door, waiting for the door to open. Sightseeing bus's door opened and a chubby uncle came out, surrounded by two young people in suits and ties who were putting on airs to protect him. They stuck their heads out with one hand and shouted, "Excuse me, excuse me …" The girl standing at the end smoothed her bangs and said simply, "Excuse me, is it a funeral or a funeral? Line up! "

17, we are a rural village-run middle school with relatively weak teachers. So there is a shortage of teachers. My Chinese teacher's handwriting is recognized as beautiful by the whole school. Not only that, the Chinese teacher is also the headmaster of our school. On this day, the headmaster assigned homework and handed out exercise books. Let me see. Wow! The headmaster actually wrote a few big characters on my homework, which is so beautiful! ! I must keep it in the future. Maybe it will become an antique in hundreds of years. My deskmate also shouted, attracting everyone's attention in the class. Everyone asked in unison, "What did you write? What is the collection value? " I can see that they are a little jealous. I said, "I didn't do my homework, so you can make it up for me!" " "

18, when I was a child, I picked up stones, then I collected a lot of tin foil outside the chewing gum, then I wrapped the stones in tin foil as ancient silver, and then I acted in a TV series myself ... Is it enough?

I deal in alcohol and tobacco. One day, I pretended to force a man to take a woman, pointed to a bottle of red wine and asked, how much money. I held out four fingers, which means ... The man said: I often come, sell it or not ... I am embarrassed to say: I sell it to you, all of whom are acquaintances.

20. There is no class in the first class in the morning. Roommate sends a message to remind her boyfriend to wake her up: get up. I was awakened by the bell and answered the phone. I heard a strange male voice say, get up, get up. A deep voice. Scared my roommate to sit up. Hung up the phone and saw it was Tong Yuan. I sent the wrong message last night. I sent my boyfriend's information to Tong Yuan. Damn, Tong Yuan is great.

2 1. When my girlfriend's birthday arrived, I immediately made a big cake and saw the words Happy Birthday written on it. I picked up the knife and split it in half. I looked at my girlfriend tenderly and said with a smile, "I take care of the day and you take care of the music." I am responsible for' fast'; You are in charge of life. Okay？ "

22. Last year's hit movie, "Where is Dad going? ), my husband drank and bragged with friends last night. I was bored, so I said give me the remote control. I want to see where my father is going. As a result, my husband came, so I don't have to watch it. I just watched it. Your father is having dinner with your mother at home. Then I burst into laughter with his friends in an instant.

I happened to find my father drinking, but my mother didn't allow him to drink. I quickly took two pieces of evidence with my mobile phone. Since the salary card was confiscated by my mother, I asked my mother to go home and get it. When my father came back, I lied to him with the evidence. I'm too witty.

24. Male students studying in medical college already have girls they like. She is Liu Xiaocui, the flower of our class. This man is a little shy. Never dare to confess. I groped all day by myself, and finally one day I pretended to be brave and said to the girl without any deep meaning, "How can I touch your heart?" Unexpectedly, the girl said, "Didn't the teacher teach you? Use electric shock. "

25. I am a man. Yesterday, my mother and I went out to buy clothes. When I tried on clothes, I found that the fitting room couldn't be locked, so I asked my mother to watch it. But as soon as I took off my pants, the door opened and a beautiful girl appeared. Then I was shocked in an instant, wearing only a pair of underwear ... Later, my mother told me that the girl was beautiful and didn't stop me. I went, it's really my own mother!

26. Family members are hospitalized and are in the neurology ward. Actually, I'm too sick to accompany me every day, but I just took a week off, and they all said I was filial or something. I'm ashamed. In fact, the purpose is to meet a hot little nurse as a trainee, because I don't think I will see her after discharge. I really want to get sick now, and I'm going crazy.

27. Jade Emperor: Come. Eunuch: Zha. Jade Emperor: Someone. Eunuch: Zha. Jade Emperor: Someone. Eunuch: Zha. Jade Emperor: Are you concentrating on wrangling? When I say "people", I don't mean "scum"! Eunuch: The youngest is a soldier.

28, math teacher blind date ... Girl: Do you mind if I have spots all over my face? Math teacher: No, I just like dealing with decimal points. ...

29. Xiaodong: Xiaoming, listen to this: "I care about you, I only care about what I care about. Do you care about you as much as I care about you? " Did you hear anything? Xiaoming: I don't know what you said. But I should be able to guess the core meaning Xiaodong: What is it? Xiao Ming: Simply put, it is "about"

30. I accidentally yelled at my wife today, which made her cry. I tried to persuade her all morning, but there was nothing I could do. The daughter who had not eaten was a little impatient and said to her mother, "OK, mom, don't cry, ok?" You didn't choose the person yourself, who is to blame! "Suddenly, my wife and I were in a mess. ...

Editor's note: "Why is my skin so good, or no man likes me?" "Because you are ugly!" "Why am I so plump, or no man likes me?" "Because you are fat!" "Why am I so tall, so outstanding and so rich that no man wants to look at me again?" "Son, if you ask such stupid questions again, labor will chop you to death!" "

The most creative funny personality signature is more stupid.

The most creative funny personality signature is more stupid.

1, when fat people play basketball, they have one more defense method than ordinary people: chest defense.

2. Girls' long labels, China's mouth and Korean's nose.

3. Who can't play the game of love? Let me teach you a trick.

My head is small, and all the words and numbers can't get in.

5. Every teacher has committed a crime, and it is child abuse charges.

6. Your inconstancy will never hurt my chivalry.

7, the right way in the world is vicissitudes of life, go to TM's little beggar.

8. Examinations teach students to cheat and teachers teach students to commit crimes.

9. I am neither white nor beautiful nor rich. I have no money, no power and no status.

10, if you pretend to be a slut, others won't realize your true colors.

1 1. When I look at you, you are human, but when I stop looking at you, you become a dog.

12, endure, be cruel, be cruel, or get out.

13, what is lovelorn? China lacks everything but people.

14, I miss you like autumn water, but you tell me you want to wear long pants.

15, China has few resources, just because there are too many people, everyone will use a little.

16, fleshy, get out of my body, I like to be slim.

17, I live at the head of the Yangtze River, and Jun lives at the end of the Yangtze River. You accidentally drank my foot washing water.

18, some people just like to bury mines in toilets, resulting in public manure.

19, don't pretend, you can see through it at a glance.

20. Mosquito, when did you evolve to suck fat instead of blood?

2 1, you can't influence others, how can you bully Xiao Qiang there?

22. Xiong Da often said to Xiong Er: Have a bear-like chest.

23. You are not evil there, but your thoughts are a little evil.

24, I see, you are a woman and a man.

25. There must be something hateful about the poor. There is no need to pretend to be poor here.

26. If you are rude to your own men, who else can you be polite to?

27. How many loves can win the time difference and distance, as long as they are willing to persist?

28. Nowadays, men are more and more feminine.

29. Whoever wants to start from scratch will open a barber shop and start from scratch.

I can't cry because I wear eyeliner and mascara.

3 1, who came to this world, who can go back alive?

When you pay the phone bill, you know that your words can be worth thousands of dollars.

I am the most trustworthy child, but why do I still have to take the exam?

It is not his fault that he fell in love with you, but his blindness.

35. I want to be your heart. If you want to provoke me, I won't jump.

36. The girl we chased in those years. Now the hero and heroine are chasing the box office.

37. People's lives are affected, otherwise how can they be called people?

38. My squirrel was beaten by you as a ball, and you called it Pikachu.

39. If Google and Baidu merge, will it be called goodbye?

40. Everyone else is ADHD, as if their mouths are moving all the time.

4 1, I told my deskmate that my deskmate was a pig; He said that your deskmate is a pig.

42. My back itches. Please scratch it for me without spreading your wings.

43. The teacher confiscated my mobile phone. A week later, I found that my mobile phone was dead.

44. My youth is not over yet. Just turned 20 this year.

45. People who don't like me can pretend to be blind or commit suicide.