Why do I have nothing? Nothing, but nothing is lacking.

People's destiny is a complex whole, with opportunities, innate, personal efforts and so on. It is impossible to stand out by unilateral "efforts".

The meaning of this sentence is not passive acceptance, but knowing what you can change and what you can't decide unilaterally.

What you can change is your attitude towards the world, society and others, but what you can't decide is your position in society. Happiness lies in the former, not the latter.

If you don't believe in evil, it's hard to reach it.

Very dangerous.

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Southern Weekend: Why is her road getting narrower and narrower?

Author: Southern Weekend reporter Ye Weimin intern Zhao Yihai from Shanghai 2009-12-16 23: 48:12 Source: Southern Weekend.

Before hanging himself in the dormitory, Yang Yuanyuan, who has always been strong, finally sighed with emotion: Why didn't knowledge change his destiny? She lost her father when she was young and her family was poor. She was admitted to a famous university, but she never found a suitable job. At the age of 30, she didn't have a complete love and lived with her mother until her death, so she was ashamed. Although she firmly believes that "man is invincible", she is a standard "loser" in this era of single worship of "success". She struggled all her life, but she couldn't find her place between ideal and reality. In this sense, Yang Yuanyuan's death is not her own tragedy.

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Mother Wang Ruiling is packing up Yang Yuanyuan's relics/Southern Weekend reporter Ye Weimin

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Yang Yuanyuan suicide dormitory bathroom map/Southern Weekend reporter Ye Weimin

Yang Yuanyuan, a 30-year-old poor student from Shanghai Maritime University, died-she hanged herself in the dormitory bathroom with two towels. Previously, she wanted to live in a dormitory with her mother who had no life, but the school refused this request. She couldn't afford to rent another house, so her mother slept on the cold steps of the school auditorium all night.

165438+1On the evening of October 24th, a sharp-tongued housekeeper once again challenged her meager dignity-driving her mother away and threatening her "not to take the diploma". She felt humiliated and angry, but strangely kept silent.

No one realized that this was a warning. Two days later, the man who spent his whole life trying to maintain his inner dignity and change his destiny through restraint and stubbornness was finally overwhelmed by long-term poverty, indifference, helplessness and self-blame, and hanged himself in the bathroom of the dormitory in an extremely painful sitting position.

Her dormitory needs to pay an annual fee of 1300 yuan, which is cheaper than the room on the other side of the corridor. 200 yuan-there is not much sunshine because it is shady.

There are various indications that the two-month postgraduate study in Shanghai Maritime University is a microcosm of Yang Yuanyuan's troubled and contradictory life. Here, forced by fate, she completed the only two independence in her life-she insisted on studying in order to change her fate, but finally gave in and ended her life.

Suicide who never gives up.

"She never gave up fighting, but she left the scene like a mystery at dawn."

On the morning of June 26th, 2009 165438+ If Yang Yuanyuan, a graduate student of maritime law, does not choose to commit suicide, her task will be to play Romeo and Juliet at 8: 30 in the morning.

But it was not until nearly 9 o'clock that the students waited for the bad news. Yang Yuanyuan was found hanging in the dormitory bathroom. The scene was terrible: Yang was sitting with his back to the washbasin, and a pillow towel and a towel were tied to the faucet of the washbasin end to end, bypassing her neck and sinking into the meat. Her legs are slightly bent and stretched, supporting the suspended body.

The panicked discoverer cut the towel with a knife. The first person who arrived at the scene was Chen Liang from the security department of Haida University. He held Yang Yuanyuan to the floor and lay flat for CPR. At this time, she couldn't feel the pulse, and bubbles appeared in her mouth. Two minutes later, I pried open Yang's closed jaws with chopsticks and found that his tongue was drooping and black. "Look, it can't be saved." Chen said.

Some timid classmates began to cry. At this time, Yang Yuanyuan's mother, Wang Ruiling, was dragged to the opposite room by the students, crying her daughter's name-they had been living together for eight years since her undergraduate course. Two months ago, my daughter brought her here to continue her studies.

After being sent to the hospital, Yang Yuanyuan's electrocardiogram was already a straight line, and he was declared dead at 10 in the morning.

The taciturn Yang Yuanyuan caused a sensation in ways that ordinary people could not imagine. Maritime University immediately issued an official statement, saying that it had done its best to rescue Yang's mother and daughter, and the first aid and aftermath were standardized and humane.

However, Wang Ruiling and her relatives described the opposite. They firmly believe that it is the school's continuous and relentless expulsion of Yang's mother that makes Yang Yuanyuan bear a heavy moral yoke and embark on a blind alley. In addition, the poor rescue of school staff is also the root cause of the tragedy.

This is by no means the only time fate has played a joke on this woman. In a short span of 30 years, Yang Yuanyuan's "toughness" and "toughness" are equally prominent in the reality-growing up in a single-parent family, finishing her studies by herself, failing in the postgraduate entrance examination four times, spending eight miserable years without a sense of accomplishment, carrying her mother to an embarrassing age, and even the day before her suicide, she was worried that Juliet would make a fool of herself and rehearsed until late at night. "She never gave up fighting, but she left the scene like a mystery at dawn." A friend once summed up Yang Yuanyuan's life like this.

Between ideal and reality

Nearly half of the time in college, she was obsessed with her original ideal, so she began to study law by herself and planned to take the postgraduate exam in law.

Zhijiang, Hubei, a small closed county. Yang Yuanyuan spent an unhappy childhood here-his father died young, and a family of three lived on the meager income of his mother looking after the factory.

However, my father, who was a chemical engineer before his death, still left his brothers and sisters in Yang Yuanyuan with wealth-interesting stories and the ideal of reading. When she was still in kindergarten, Yang Yuanyuan liked to put primary school students in plastic bags.

After his father died, only Wang Ruiling, who had received primary education, took his younger brother and sister into a dark room. Wang Ruiling's deepest memory of that time is that the walls were covered with mud all day.

One day, Yang Yuanyuan came home and told her mother that she would study law in the future and "make decisions for the poor"-a local leader's child took away the honor of being a "three-good student in the city" that belonged to her through her relationship. However, Wang Ruiling refused her daughter's request to study maritime law at the university when she filled in her college entrance examination on 1998, on the grounds that taking the college entrance examination in Wuhan could save some travelling expenses.

"Yuanyuan was begging me." Wang Ruiling regretted his stubbornness. In the end, Yang Yuanyuan gave in and applied for the economics major of Wuhan University. But from then on, in a letter to her brother, she began like this: "Don't listen to your mother in the future ..."

With an extra college student at home, Wang Ruiling's monthly salary of more than 200 yuan is increasingly stretched, and she has to rely on student loans and relatives to support herself.

It makes sense to invest in Yang Yuanyuan. Yang Yuanyuan has only been in the university for one year, and the expansion of enrollment and the industrialization of education in China University, which aims at stimulating domestic demand, have started, and "elite education" has stepped down from the altar. However, this reform has also brought about rising tuition fees and worsening employment prospects.

The dilemma brought about by the expansion of enrollment will take several years to show its effect. Yang Yuanyuan, a poor student, is most concerned about survival at present. Because she couldn't bear to ask for money from home, she began to work as a tutor and part-time, and often walked back and forth to save money. Many of her classmates are impressed by her-she often cleans the tables and chairs in the canteen at night, or cleans the garbage and picks out sanitary chopsticks from it.

The gap between life classes and the scarcity of private time make Yang Yuanyuan less conspicuous. All the students from the city are wearing fashionable clothes, but most of her clothes are given by relatives, which is monotonous. Most of the time, she doesn't mind, but after watching a performance, she rarely expresses her admiration for those beautiful makeup in her diary.

Nearly half of the time in college, she was obsessed with her original ideal, so she began to study law by herself and planned to take the postgraduate exam in law.

In 200 1 year, two major events happened at home. One is that my brother Yang Pingping was admitted to Wu Da University, and the other is that the military factory where he once lived will be relocated, and his mother lost her residence and became homeless overnight.

My mother showed up at the university dormitory in Yang Yuanyuan with her belongings. The bed is too narrow, so the mother and daughter lie on their sides. When Yang Yuanyuan is in class, Wang Ruiling sells tea eggs and dried tofu in front of the teacher's building. A few months later, thanks to a teacher, I moved into an idle room with only one desk, and the school adopted the default attitude.

There are many signs that Yang Yuanyuan's mood became more and more depressed in his later years of college, not only because his major became more and more exclusive, but also because of realistic and specific family pressure. Her life is as precise and mechanical as a pendulum: attending classes, tutoring, helping her mother set up a stall ... She has few friends and even her relatives and friends are ashamed to walk around. She gave all her part-time income to her mother to take care of and support her brother's study, and repaid her loan five years after graduation, and redeemed her diploma and degree certificate.

In the year of graduation in 2002, the situation continued to deteriorate. First, her campus love ended in vain; Second, she was squeezed out of the research quota-it is believed that she was tampered with; Finally, she took part in the postgraduate entrance examination in grievance and anger, and failed again.

The road is getting narrower and narrower.

She began to look for the shadow of her own tragedy in A Dream of Red Mansions. "She said she looks like Qingwen." Cousin Wang Yan said: "My heart is higher than the sky, and I feel inferior."

Bad reality began to threaten survival, and Yang Yuanyuan needed a job.

But in the summer of 2002, there were nearly10.5 million freshmen with the same idea. They are crowded with recruitment places all over the country, holding college diplomas that are no longer shining, and constantly adjusting their expectations. But even so, there are still a large number of fresh graduates who can't find jobs, which has spawned a large number of "low-income groups of college graduates". Now, they are called "ant tribe".

For a long time, Yang Yuanyuan, an outstanding graduate, unfortunately became one of them. Wang Ruiling accompanied her daughter to submit her resume and was surprised by her performance. "She may be a little lofty. She put down her resume and left without telling anyone. " Later, the mother and daughter searched for an old house rented by 300 yuan for a month, which consumed their meager savings.

This year may not be a friendly year for economics graduates. 2002 was a "bear market", and the global economic downturn began to appear. Yang Yuanyuan can't even find a decent job as a major. After doing nothing for a few months, she entered a training center as an English teacher, teaching young children English, with a monthly salary of 800 yuan, and went back and forth from Wuchang to Hankou for two hours every day.

A flea market behind Wuhan University of Technology is a favorite place for vendors. In the evening, Yang Yuanyuan went to take Wang Ruiling's place. She never makes a hullabaloo about, sits down to read, thinks about literature and law, and writes down the consumption of the day in a very common way during recess. Everything is accurate to the minute.

The landlord Li Feng met the mother and daughter several times. He felt that "their lives are very closed and they don't know much about the world". "I was a little angry when I reported that the toilet was leaking downstairs. I said I paid, but they refused, saying it was too much trouble. " Li said.

When I was a part-time tutor, a student's parents wanted to spend time with Yang Yuanyuan. Yang didn't seem too happy, so he faltered and left. "I feel that she is somewhat inferior."

This inferiority complex wraps Yang Yuanyuan like a barrier. For a long time after graduation, she didn't have a mobile phone and almost lost contact with all her classmates. "How should she introduce the recent situation?" Brother Yang Pingping said, "Are you still a tutor?"

Frustration, anxiety and closed tendency have become countless "ant tribe" labels like Yang Yuanyuan. They are attached to big cities and look forward to good jobs. They are all waiting to create legends, but the intensified urbanization, demographic changes and labor market transformation have offset their efforts. This gradually socialized class has gradually unbalanced the generation of young people in the cracks.

An example of Yang Yuanyuan's recognition of this kind of waiting is that she passed the civil service examinations in two small cities in other provinces, but finally decided to give up. One is the distance, and the other is whether it is "Beijing-Shanghai", which is the real place where her mother was educated since childhood. At the age of 20, Wang worked in Shanghai for five years with the company. She likes this metropolis, and her poor Shanghai dialect still maintains a good sense of superiority.

In order to realize the dream of a big city, Yang Yuanyuan also tried to break the dilemma. After graduation, she took the postgraduate entrance examination for three years without any results. She began to look for the shadow of her own tragedy in A Dream of Red Mansions. "She said she looks like Qingwen." Cousin Wang Yan said: "My heart is higher than the sky, and I feel inferior."

In 2004, Yang Yuanyuan got a job as an insurance salesman by mistake, and made several copies for his relatives, but none of them could be sold. Her performance is so poor that no colleague can remember her now.

The last passion of my career was exhausted in 2005. Moved by the vigorous entrepreneurial tide of college students, Yang Yuanyuan spent all his savings and co-founded a literary magazine. At first I was full of confidence and rented a decent office, but it only lasted for half a year. Because the idea of running a magazine is out of date, the magazine is basically unsalable. "Even I don't look." Wang Ruiling said.

After selling a room full of tables and chairs, Yang Yuanyuan was too lazy to lament his fate. She began to graft her unfulfilled wishes on others like an old man. My brother Yang Pingping became such a supporter. My brother, who is about to graduate with a moderate and conservative personality, intends to stay in our school for postgraduate study. Yang Yuanyuan didn't agree. Just as her mother arranged her future, she set an irrefutable goal for her brother-to go to Peking University for graduate study. She checked the information herself, asked inside information, handed in forms, and even chose a major for her brother.

Yang Pingping later ensured the success of Peking University Direct Blog. Perhaps infected with joy, since 2007, Yang Yuanyuan has been preparing for the postgraduate entrance examination for the fourth time. The following year, she received an admission notice from Shanghai Maritime University.

the outer world

At the beginning of school, she asked the counselor if she could put her mother on campus. The other party suggested writing an application, and Yang Yuanyuan agreed, but she began to cry after writing.

Yang Yuanyuan, 30 years old, is very happy. For the first time in his life, he really took control of his own destiny. Wang Ruiling took it for granted that she "should follow her daughter". Yang's uncle reminded her sister whether she had considered Yuanyuan's lifelong event. Wang's answer was "We are over thirty upstairs and haven't got married".

There is no sign that Yang Yuanyuan also cares about his marriage. After graduation, she never developed other objects. "She said she would wait until she had a career." A relative said.

In fact, Yang Yuanyuan is really practicing this idea. When she arrived at the new school, she was diligent and conscientious. "I sit alone in the front row in every class." Classmate Zhao Wei said, "Is there such a graduate student now?"

As the largest city in China, Shanghai has a population of over130,000, which is huge beyond the imagination of mother and daughter. There is nothing wrong with saying that it is an "adventurer's paradise", just relative to those elites who have accumulated rich wealth. For ordinary people, the hardships of life are doubly highlighted here, just like a huge and heavy exclamation point.

Yang Yuanyuan and Wang Ruiling don't want to rent expensive and remote rental houses, so the dormitory is very good, with all-weather hot water. As in college, Yang Yuanyuan and her mother sleep in a crib every day. During the day, Yang goes to class, and Wang sits by the track and field to knit a sweater. She got to know some school families and learned from the side that the doors of big cities are very strict. "It's still important to find a chore." She said.

About a month later, the students in the same dormitory moved out voluntarily, and the room became the exclusive use of Yang Yuanyuan's mother and daughter. This closed space cut off the communication between her and her classmates. "It seems that she has never participated in a group activity." Counselor Zhiyi Wu said, "Every time she silently follows her mother and listens to her mother." Although "taking mom to school" caused some small-scale discussion, it was quickly taken for granted. Yang Yuanyuan still felt a little uneasy and asked the counselor if he could put his mother on campus at the beginning of school. The other party suggested writing an application, and Yang Yuanyuan agreed, but when he finished writing, he began to cry. "She doesn't like telling others about her difficulties." Wang Ruiling said.

After waiting for a week, there is still no news. Yang Yuanyuan and her daughter went to the college leaders and said that they had difficulties at home and could solve their mother's accommodation. "Yuanyuan and I have been asking him, saying that Wu Da also arranged accommodation. As a result, he said,' No money, no money to read what books?' Wang Ruiling said: "Yuanyuan was hurt when she went back, saying that there was no warmth here."

After entering the school, Yang Yuanyuan met a classmate in Beijing, and soon regarded her as a bosom friend. She said everything, and the other party only responded politely. Later, Yang asked to put some of her mother's things in her dormitory, but the other party refused. Yang turned to leave and never spoke again. "The hierarchical concept from big cities is very strong, and even schools are divided into classes according to the original schools or non-schools." Classmate Ling Wei said, "But Yang Yuanyuan felt that this violated her dignity."

Later, Yang Yuanyuan received several phone calls from counselors, saying that it was best to put her mother off campus. Wang Ruiling is not at ease, and firmly believes that the school will take care of it. "I saw many empty houses in the dormitory."

165438+1October 2 1 day, two butlers suddenly came to Yang Yuanyuan's dormitory and ordered her to remove all her mother's things within half an hour, and never to come again. Wang Ruiling saw that her daughter was a little nervous and kept apologizing. Then I took my mother out to find a house in the rain. The school is located in a remote place, and a day's search is fruitless. Finally, I spent 100 yuan to stay in the hotel. I hope my daughter can't sleep because of her heartache.

The next day, they found a house, but they couldn't get the key that day. Yang Yuanyuan wanted to rehearse the program, so Wang Ruiling told her to go back and said she could find a place to live. That night, the temperature in Shanghai plummeted to only 4 degrees. I sat in front of the school auditorium all night without telling my daughter.

After dawn, Yang Yuanyuan felt guilty when he learned about it. She immediately sat on the ground and let her mother sleep on her. In the evening, the mother and daughter got the key, and when they went in, they found it was a rough room. Two people and clothes were lying on the ground, hugging each other to keep warm.

Yang Yuanyuan apologized to Wang Ruiling all night, saying that she didn't arrange her mother at her age, and she would discuss it with the college leaders tomorrow. After a while, Yang seemed to remember something and said "Forget it".

"can't be defeated"

She looked up from a pile of books, half talking and half talking to herself, and said, "People can be destroyed, but they can't be defeated."

Contradiction 24 broke out in an all-round way In the morning, Wang Ruiling and her daughter packed their clothes in the dormitory. Half an hour later, a youth boarding house saw Wang Ruiling's registration, ran up and pointed to Yang Yuanyuan and said, "If your mother comes again, you won't get your diploma and degree certificate, and you will have nothing in the future." After a while, he pointed to Wang's nose and scolded, "You old woman from the countryside, don't bring your country things."

Yang Yuanyuan, who has been busy making amends, turned ugly when he heard these words. On the way back to the rental house, Yang Yuanyuan once again apologized to her mother, saying that she had not been allowed to live a stable life.

Due to constant worry, anxiety, guilt and fatigue, Yang Yuanyuan is seriously short of sleep at this time. 165438+1On the morning of October 25th, Yang Yuanyuan suddenly sat up in bed and complained, "Why don't you let us live? I want to find a leader. " Then she added: "It is said that knowledge changes fate. I have learned so much knowledge, but I haven't seen any changes. "

Wang Ruiling felt a little abnormal and chatted with her daughter to calm her mood. Yang Yuanyuan began to seriously review things from childhood to adulthood. This time, she boldly told her mother that if she had been supported to report to Dalian Maritime, everything would be fine now. Yang also talked about a girl 15 years old who committed suicide as a tutor. She jumped from the 28th floor only because of academic pressure. She kept saying, "It's a pity that she came from such a good family. It's a pity."

Not knowing what to say, Yang asked her mother to practice Romeo and Juliet with her, during which Yang Yuanyuan was a little disappointed and talked about an admirable senior. Then she held her head and said that she was out of her mind.

In the afternoon, Wang urged his daughter to go to class. Yang Yuanyuan said, "No, it's boring", and then she offered to take the rent money back to play. This worrying state finally calmed down in the evening. After dinner, Yang Yuanyuan also took her mother to the dormitory to take a shower and wash her hair.

That evening, Yang Yuanyuan rehearsed the drama with her classmates, during which she said several times that she didn't want to play, for fear of losing face. But as soon as she appeared in the rehearsal, she read the lines word for word and the performance was perfect. 1 1 o'clock, she waved a long braid to say goodbye to her classmates, made an appointment to get up tomorrow morning and practice again, then entered the dormitory and never came out.

That night, my brother Yang Pingping used QQ to leave a message to his sister in Shenzhen to discuss the mother's placement. His suggestion is: take mom to him after the Spring Festival. And Yang Yuanyuan probably didn't see these contents. "I am about to graduate and have the ability to take care of my mother, but my sister is gone."

Yang Yuanyuan's death shocked the school. A large number of reporters arrived at the news, concerned about this usually neglected female graduate student. Surprised by the rapid expansion of the situation, the school closed the guest house and sent security guards to monitor the reporter's whereabouts. The official version of the incident is: the school advised Yang Yuanyuan's mother to leave according to the regulations and provided housing assistance from the perspective of humanization. The whole rescue process is also timely and serious. At the same time, the school also hinted that Yang Yuanyuan might suffer from depression.

"In short, the school has done its best in this matter." Peng Dongkai, director of the Propaganda Department of the Party Committee of Shanghai Maritime University, said.

However, Yang Yuanyuan's family insisted that the bad attitude of the housekeeper was the cause of Yang Yuanyuan's suicide, and that on the day of the rescue, someone shirked responsibility and delayed the time. Family members first claimed 350,000 yuan from the school, and then it was reduced to 6.5438+0.6 million yuan.

On the premise that the school should admit that they were responsible for the accident, a family member said that the money was going to buy a second-hand house for Wang Ruiling in Yichang.

65438+February 65438+May, on a rainy morning, Yang Yuanyuan's body was in funeral home cremation, Nanhui District. For Wang Ruiling, the only thing that can commemorate her daughter now is a pile of law books and class notes. Her culture is not enough to understand them, and she may not fully understand her daughter's persistence for many years. "I still know too little about her."

On the other hand, Yang Yuanyuan's cousin Rebecca recalled a sunny afternoon that night. Her cousin read Hemingway's The Old Man and the Sea. She looked up from a pile of books, half talking and half talking to herself, and said, "People can be destroyed, but they can't be defeated."

(At the request of interviewees, Yang Pingping, Chen Liang, Li Feng, Zhao Wei, Ling Wei and Yan Wang are pseudonyms. )