At the age of 30, I finally became something I hated.

At the age of 30, I lived a life I hated.

? (Preface)

This is an inappropriate article, because no one wants to be a person he hates. I can only say that people are not as good as heaven, and I can't escape my fate after all. At the age of 30, I finally became my most annoying appearance. It is precisely because I became the person who made me hate that this article was born.

? (1) Graduation and WTO accession

Time has to start from the summer when we graduated from university in 20 14. That summer, we were all young and full of enthusiasm. At the beginning of the summer solstice, job fairs have sprung up all over the country, and we are like ants in hot bricks, rushing around to submit resumes.

However, the ideal is full, but the reality is the backbone. After several rounds of tossing, good posts have achieved nothing. However, it is autumn now, and most of the exams are coming to an end. In order to make a living, I have to choose special post teachers to go back to the countryside. All right! I'm back to my original shape again.

In fact, the idea at that time was to get a job first and then choose a job. Yes, it's too difficult for a person who comes from the countryside and has no family background. The most important thing is to support yourself and not add any burden to your family. Settle down first and then find opportunities to improve the platform. However, my work experience in the next few years tells me that this is not desirable and a very stupid idea. This idea is only suitable for people with family background (or very strong social skills), such as one of my classmates, who happened to be on duty at the same time that year and were all assigned to schools in mountainous areas. But in the second semester, when we met for job training, I was surprised. He told me that it is now handed over to a central school in the town.

If you still think it's nothing, I'll be surprised to meet him again the next year. The second year is probably the fourth semester. I went to the Education Bureau to do something. I happened to meet him after going out and talked with him. At that time, I thought he was also on a business trip, but his words made me look stupid and even a little jealous. Why hate fate is so unfair? It turns out that he has been transferred to the Education Bureau. Then I pretended something was wrong and made an embarrassing excuse to leave.

It was not until later that I heard that his father used to be the head of the Education Bureau. In fact, when I was recruiting, I saw him greeting the teacher who was recruiting. I probably saw some clues at that time, but the facts were far more unusual than I expected. This may be what people often say. And I still can only stay in that corner of the mountain, day after day, year after year, without any hope, and I don't know when it will end. ...

? (2) The first impression of going to work

I still clearly remember my first day at work. It was a fine day. I rode my motorcycle from home to school early in the morning. When I entered the campus, I heard the sound of reading. When the teachers saw me coming, they were very enthusiastic and greeted me to sit down, but I just wanted to walk around the school and get familiar with the environment. After all, just coming to a strange environment, there will be some sense of exploration: the school is small and the whole playground is empty. Only a flagpole and several osmanthus trees stand out in the middle. The campus is surrounded by walls, leaving only two iron gates in the east, a gate about four meters high and three meters wide, and a small door about one meter high and two meters wide in the west. Both doors are hung with stainless steel locks, which look heavy, as if they were prepared to prevent some kind of profiteering. Seeing this, my heart not only trembled. The teaching building is a brick-wood mixed structure, with two floors facing north, the first and second floors made of bricks, and the roof is made of black tiles and wooden frames. On both sides of the teaching building, the stairs are painted white, and directly opposite is a wooden house with two floors and eight columns side by side. It is said that it is an old teaching building (demolished on 20 17), with some sundries and electrical equipment, and two spare rooms for teachers (obviously the spare rooms come in handy). Behind the hut is a small forest, which is actually incorrect, because there are only a few real trees, just because the branches of the trees are widely scattered and look dense, and the leaves cover the house and look gloomy. As for some' legends' here, I won't pass them on. After all, I am still an' intellectual'. To the west of the wooden house and the teaching building, there are three small bungalows mixed with brick and wood, which are in the form of teaching buildings. One is the kitchen, there is a pool behind the kitchen, and there is a row of classrooms, which are public toilets. The whole school is like this, and my sad life is probably destined to start here.

(3) About cars and houses

A few days ago, I always rode my motorcycle at home to go out early and return late. It's about 50 kilometers from my home to the school where I work, and it takes about an hour to go one way. The reason why I have to run back and forth is because all the teachers in the school are nearby except me, and the accommodation is poor. No one wants to spend the night here, so if I don't go back, it means that I am the only one living here. About a month later, because the means of transportation at home were really limited, I couldn't' occupy' the motorcycle for a long time, so I borrowed 1000 yuan from my friend and paid for a scooter. The remaining 2000 yuan is promised to be paid within three months. (because I just joined the company, I didn't get paid for the first two months, and I didn't get paid together until the third month. ) I finally got it for nearly a month after the third month. Because it was my first salary after I officially joined the job, and it was also the first time I got so much money by my own labor, I still clearly remember that I invited several good friends and two cousins from school to have a' big meal' to celebrate. Later, I paid back all the money I owed my friends and my motorcycle, and gave some money back to my parents. After all this, there was not much money left.

The temperature is getting colder and colder after autumn. Because it is not only cold in the morning, but also bright at night, it seems more and more unsuitable to drive a motorcycle, especially because I run nearly 100 kilometers every day. My parents are also worried about my personal hard work and safety. Yes, in fact, not only my parents are worried, but I personally feel this danger and difficulty. I remember one morning, it was very cold and frosty. I put on a big cotton-padded coat and ran to school as usual. About halfway through, the wind was biting, which was unbearable. I got out of the car and pushed the car for a distance to warm myself up before I continued driving. It was cold, so I continued to push the car several times. Finally, I arrived at school, and my skin was purple with cold. Every inch of my skin and every cell seemed to be dancing involuntarily. Another time, maybe because the time was tight in the morning, my speed was a little too fast. When turning, due to inertia, people almost got off the fence with the car. Too late, I quickly stepped on my left foot and pulled up the front of the car to avoid danger, otherwise the consequences would be unimaginable. Of course, these are just some typical experiences. There are more experiences, such as slipping and getting wet in the rain, including car troubles, which cannot be listed one by one, but can only be scattered in the wind. So I went to school on Monday morning and went home after school on Friday afternoon.

Although I have experienced hardships, I am still grateful, because at least with this scooter, I don't have to stay in an empty house after school every Friday, and I don't have to look around anxiously waiting for the bus to go home with my big bags and small bags.

In fact, every time after school, I see the children lining up to go home. In fact, I am envious. Gradually, it was not until after school on Friday that I felt the same way with them. You can also go home to see relatives and feel the warmth of home. Therefore, this scooter carries some of my hopes and happiness. Although rough, but can let go.

The following year, for my own reasons and other factors, I decided to buy a car first. During that time, we went to the city to see the house. At that time, the house price was generally within 3000 yuan/square meter. Some people were moved and asked me to buy it, but nothing was certain at that time. Where will we be in two years? Will you continue to do this work? How to make up the down payment? Plus, we have to keep a car. Is it enough? . . . ? So I didn't agree. Because at that time, I thought it was more important to keep a car than to buy a house, but sadly, we still didn't save enough money for the down payment in the next two years. What's more, the house price has risen to 4000 square meters, and we finally gritted our teeth and paid the down payment, because we thought that the house price would go up, and we would get it sooner or later, regardless of the county seat. Let's settle down the house so that the' three mountains' can be carried.

(4) From struggling to muddling through.

From the first day I joined the company, I knew I couldn't gamble here forever. So I have been' struggling' for several years after I joined the company. But it seems that every time I am' dying'. I have done some part-time jobs and passed some civil servants and institutions. But to no avail, fate still beat me back to the cold reality. Plus I was in love with my girlfriend (now my wife). As early as a few years ago, I had the idea of resigning, but every impulse was dispelled after being "analyzed" by friends and family. The most fundamental voice is: resign today, how to spend tomorrow? What can you do? Can you guarantee that your future will be better than now? Yes, although this job doesn't look so good to me, it is always a stable job (as can be seen from the later period of the novel coronavirus prevalence). Yes, I have no answers to these questions, and I can't guarantee them. I just don't think God will close one door, but he will open another. I'll talk about it after I resign, but think about it, it seems a bit irresponsible for a person who is nearly 30 years old and has a poor family. So even if it is unbearable; So even the last "lifeline" was pulled out. This feeling is like a living person suffering. But there is no reason to die, it is a very subtle pain. In that case, well, then save your life and muddle along.

(5) From nothing to debt.

Although I muddle along, I gradually find that life is getting more and more sad. In the years after I joined the company, I got married, got a loan, bought a car and bought a house, and all the "three mountains" were memorized. In addition, the mother later found out the origin of lung cancer and her daughter; For families who are not well off, it is even more difficult. For a long time, I spent it by borrowing loans. Gradually, my original pursuit of freedom, ideals and release became heavy. I know I don't have the courage to resign.

People are always so strange. When I just graduated and didn't go to work, I always said that I was poor and penniless, but once I went to work, I felt that income could alleviate this poverty, but I didn't know if I was poorer. This is because there is no stable income before going to work, so I only ask for simple food and clothing. I dare not think about anything else, but once I have a stable income at work, my desire and courage will swell and I will start spending things other than food and clothing, such as traveling, cars, houses and so on. Although many factors are involved, this idea is normal. And I was forced to "Liangshan" step by step. Obviously, that salary is not enough to cope with so many expenses, so the bank's liabilities are piling up like fallen leaves. Someone once asked me: You borrowed so many kinds, how are you going to pay them back? I replied: I can't go on now. Who cares about the future?

A man fell down at the age of thirty.

The ancients said that men stand at thirty, but now I want to say "men fall at thirty". This is because they are overwhelmed by car loans, mortgages, marriage and family expenses. Thirty years old means that a man has to bear these debts, but maybe not everyone does. But if a man who doesn't even have these things after the age of 30 is either sighing at himself or being sighed by others. What a strange phenomenon. What is going on in our society? ?

Mr. V, a good friend, belongs to a man in his thirties. Although he is good-looking and handsome, he is still alone. The ultimate reason is that he feels that his conditions are not good enough, and marriage has become a luxury for him. Several times, he said that he envied me and that I had everything. I had to answer him with a smile: envy me? Envy me for being in debt?

(7) About the significance of work

As a teacher in a mountainous area, my first impression to many people is: hard work, selflessness and dedication. Yes, when I leave campus, I think so. I also wanted to respond to the call of the country to teach in remote mountainous areas, but I failed for some reasons. But it doesn't matter, I am the same now, so I realized my "wish" at that time. There are words of suffering. Because the conditions in mountainous areas are definitely worse than those in urban areas. But in fact, teachers in mountainous areas are not equal to "selfless dedication". I feel more helpless and sad. To put it bluntly, teachers in mountainous areas are capable or related, and they all try to rely on a good environment. Only a few local families live here and choose to stay. Most of the rest are people with nothing to do and a very average level of business. These are all helpless actions. But to say that grief has not officially begun.

Speaking of sadness, you think the teacher just goes to class to change his homework. But the reality is far more than that. In terms of precise poverty alleviation in recent years, the work in township areas is particularly arduous. Schools in urban areas only transfer some people to work in villages, but in towns and villages, besides finishing classes, you have to do accurate poverty alleviation work. You can't complain or refuse, but it should be regarded as a' glorious' task. What the leader emphasizes is to do more and talk less nonsense. If you don't do well, you should be accountable to informed criticism; Well done, thanks to the leadership. I wonder if such a life can be regarded as a kind of sadness?

(8) People coming and going

Relevant colleagues have been transferred one by one, and those who have the ability have also run to the city one by one. It seems that I am the only one who is useless. Where are you going? But I can't seem to go anywhere.

Sometimes, I see clouds in the sky, and I hope the clouds can take me away; But the clouds are silent; Sometimes I see the trains on the Yuhuai Railway speeding by. I hope the train can take me away, but the train only cares about his direction, and there is no time to take care of everything on the roadside and be alone. Sometimes, I look at people who come and go. I wish I could be like them, but I can't. I don't have their social experience and relationship skills; No one will take me away, I can only return to the cold reality, I can't see any hope, I can only watch these people come and go; Only I stayed where I was, and I didn't know what I was waiting for.

(9) Reflection on the "Li Tiantian Incident"

20 19 10 in late October. The "Li Tiantian Incident" broke out in Yongshun County, Xiangxi, not far from me. At that time, relevant news reports swept across China, and even News Plus One, a white anchor of CCTV, was followed up. I thought this might become a slogan of teacher reform, but it was just "thinking". Soon after, the incident gradually subsided, just like the setting sun, and the western hills gradually faded out of people's sight. In fact, as we all know, the "Li Tiantian Incident" is not a case, but a national collective, but most of them were strangled in the cradle, with no news and no one knows. For example, I used to be, didn't I The first half year of "Li Tiantian Incident". I also commented on the situation of teachers on the Internet. But unlike Li Tiantian, Li Tiantian was lucky to be exposed, while I was unfortunately "suddenly killed".

But when I think about it later, I actually feel that there is no need to argue about right and wrong. After all, the disparity in strength is there. Too much ineffective resistance will only increase your disadvantage unless you really quit; So I understand: either leave smartly or adapt to the requirements of this job. Don't think that your ability can change this environment. You can only change yourself.

(10) About the family

Thirty years old, for many people, may be the beginning of a happy family. However, for me, it is more guilt. The reasons are mainly manifested in two aspects. On the one hand, it is far from his wife, although the distance is not far-the distance between two adjacent counties. But they are all in their own way, especially for the care of their daughters. I can't talk about it at all, I can only feel guilty; So sometimes I say to my wife half jokingly: If you meet someone who can take care of you and your daughter better than me, you can go with him if you want. Why do I say that? Because I think: to really love someone is to hope that she will have a good life, not simply selfish possession. If you can't give her the life she wants or a better life, and someone can give her the life she wants, and she is willing to live such a life, why not let go?

On the other hand, I am ashamed of my parents. Especially after my mother found out the cancer, she realized how humble and helpless she was. What kind of despair is it when your loved ones are tortured to death by disease and you can only watch? Fortunately, the right medicine was used later, and the condition was controlled. Although I am heavily in debt, it is better than mental torture. During the period, some friends suggested me to apply for online fundraising many times, but after thinking about it, I still didn't take action. The reason is that I am afraid that I will bear more human pressure. Because I am tired of living alone, plus these debt of gratitude, I can't imagine how to continue the rest of my life.

(1 1) Where to go?

What a beautiful word thirty should be. But for me, this is just the beginning of losing my heart and a symbol of depravity. Because I have forgotten where to go, I began to become listless and insensitive. What else have you forgotten to pursue? What can you pursue? Today's life is like a fixed track, and I can only follow it. And it must be slow and steady, and you can't cheat. Otherwise, the blow will be devastating. So I only hope that one day, there will be a fork in this track and there will be a new life. Let me sail to a bright place to feel the warmth and happiness of natural sunshine!

(XII) Ending

I finally became what I used to hate. I used to think that I could change the world like Jack Ma and Li Ka-shing. But in the end, I can only live by an ordinary job, just for daily necessities, food, clothing, housing and transportation. I think so too. Most people's lives are not like this, I just didn't live.

Waste paper and rough ink, so as to degenerate and comfort my upcoming 30th birthday. Meet, that's it.

Closing remarks

In another month, I will be 30 years old. Happy birthday to myself. From graduation to now, along the way, although it is very difficult; But I am still grateful to move forward; Still have illusions and hopes for the future. I hope that in the next six years. When I was thirty-six, I was able to write another article. The name of this article is-(the successful counterattack of a 36-year-old poor boy).

? June, 2020 a.m.18

Go to bed after writing the manuscript