Is it my fault that my children are not excellent?

Many people want their children to win at the starting line, and they want their children to be excellent in studies, music and so on. However, some people are skeptical about Chinese-style education, thinking that these educations limit children's imagination. Therefore, more and more people try to compare Chinese and western parenting methods.

People tend to think that children must be excellent. If the child is not excellent, parents will be disappointed, and parents will feel guilty because the child is not excellent, blaming themselves for their irresponsibility.

? Chua Meier, also known as Tiger Mother, immigrated to the United States with her parents when she was a child, and obtained a Bachelor of Arts degree and a Doctor of Law degree from Harvard University. She is now a tenured professor at Yale Law School. She has two excellent daughters, who are proficient in music and have excellent grades. She published an article with a little boasting, expounding the differences between Chinese and western education and showing the superiority of education in China.

In her article, she pointed out that although the image of Asian mothers in the western world is scheming, heartless, mischievous and indifferent to the real interests of their children, in fact, all good parents want to do their best for their children, while China parents use different methods to achieve it. Chua Meier believes that children must be forced to practice in difficult ways so that they can find their own hobbies. If a child becomes excellent in a certain field, he/she will be affirmed and praised by others, which may increase his/her confidence and eventually become his/her hobby. Tiger Mother pointed out in this article that Chua Mei-er would call her daughter Sophia "garbage" when her daughter did something wrong. Although this method was not accepted by western culture, it effectively corrected her child's behavior. The author further analyzes the reasons for the differences between Chinese and western parenting. Chinese mothers think their children deserve the best. China's parents think their children are strong enough to endure humiliation. If a China child gets a B, Chinese mothers will make the child do this exercise thousands of times until he/she gets an A ... Secondly, China families believe that children will always benefit from their upbringing. Children in China should always take care of their parents and make them proud. Thirdly, parents in China think they know what is best for their children, so they can ignore their children's demands and interests. The author used the example of her daughter playing the piano. Although my daughter resisted at first, with Ms. Cai's insistence, her daughter finally had a good time and was proud of herself.

To some extent, Tiger Mother is right. When a child becomes excellent in a certain field, this sense of accomplishment will build his/her self-confidence. Excellence really gives people a sense of accomplishment and makes children more interested in a certain field. Psychologists put forward a concept called self-efficacy, which is our belief in our own abilities and talents. Albert bandura (1977) pointed out that self-efficacy is people's belief in their ability to produce a certain level of performance, which affects the events that affect their lives. Self-efficacy determines how we think and feel about ourselves. For example, imagine someone who wants to be a pianist, but is not sure about his musical talent. Although he will go all out and do his best, in the end, he feels anxious and lacks trust in himself because of his lack of confidence in himself. When a child becomes excellent in a certain field, he can easily get positive feedback from the outside world and constantly enhance his self-confidence.

But children can't stand this kind of effort with a sense of accomplishment. The premise of Ms. Cai is wrong, that is, the child is strong enough to bear the burden of humiliation and bear hardships and stand hard work. First of all, the humiliation of parents will lead to the decline of children's self-esteem. The decline of children's self-esteem will lead to depression, lack of self-confidence and low expectations for the future. At the same time, according to carl rogers's humanistic psychology, this humiliation will establish conditional positive attention in children's minds. They will think that they need to meet their parents' expectations in order to win their parents' love, so they feel inferior, insecure and lack control, and are in a state of constant anxiety.

At the same time, children will never be attached to their parents. In Ms. Cai's view, children in China will always benefit from their parents, and they should always obey them. In fact, the birth of a child is not up to them, so they are free to choose what they want, not the property owned by their parents. Just like in ancient times, we would say that women are accessories of men because women are weak. Now, if we repeat that children are parents' accessories, aren't we repeating women's repeated painful days and nights?

In fact, my parents' parenting style is different from that of Chua Meier. I think this kind of education style of my parents may be more suitable for cultivating an independent but excellent child. First of all, in terms of cultivating interest, my parents will sign me up for some interest classes, but the premise of signing up for interest classes is that I am very interested in this field. I like singing. When my parents and I expressed my desire to sing, they signed me up for a children's chorus class. I am very grateful to them for their hobbies, and I have a certain talent here. This interest has been with me all my life. I have always loved music, and loving music has become a good way for me to relax and entertain.

My parents are never strict about their grades. In Ms. Cai's article, she will ask her daughter to repeat thousands of times to get an A, but my parents think it is normal for her grades to fluctuate occasionally. Although they also need to hold parent-teacher meetings and see the fluctuation of my grades, they still advocate that I should know more about my life goal and then work hard for that life goal instead of being a slave and living to get better grades.

Besides, my parents never thought about what I owed them. They think they will support me no matter what I do. But for Ms. Cai, she believes that children must make their parents proud and children must meet their parents' needs. This is completely different from my parents' way. Perhaps this kind of unconditional support can bring self-confidence to children, let them actively choose their own lifestyle and strive to achieve their life goals.