Why are Chinese mothers superior? Why are Chinese mothers better?

Why do Chinese mothers have an advantage?

Can you create happy children without playmates' parties, TV, video games and hours of music practice? What will happen if they resist?

Author: Amy ·CHUA

Many people are puzzled about how China's parents can raise children who are as successful as models. People don't know how these parents have trained so many mathematical wizards and musical prodigies, what this family is like, and whether they can do the same. Then, I can answer them, because I answered. Here's what my daughters Sophia and Louisa are never allowed to do:

* Go to a party and spend the night at a friend's house.

* Attend playmates' parties

* Take part in the school play.

Complain that you can't attend the school play.

* Watch TV or play video games.

* Choose your own extracurricular activities.

* the score is below a.

* I didn't get the first place in all subjects except physical education and drama.

* Playing instruments other than piano or violin.

* Don't play the piano or violin.

My "Chinese mother" here refers to a kind of parents. I know some parents from Korea, India, Jamaica, Ireland and Ghana. They are the same type of parents. On the contrary, I know some Chinese mothers who consciously or unconsciously choose not to be such Chinese mothers. Almost all of them come from Chinese mothers born in the west. My "western parents" here is also such a general statement. Parents in the west are naturally all kinds.

However, even if western parents think they are strict, they are usually far less strict than Chinese mothers. For example, my western friends think that it is very strict to let children practice musical instruments for 30 minutes every day, at most one hour. For Chinese mothers, the first hour of practice is the easiest part. But it became difficult in the second and third hours.

Although we are disgusted with cultural stereotypes, many studies show that there are obvious and quantifiable differences in parenting between China people and westerners. In a study of 50 Western-style American mothers and 48 immigrant mothers from China, almost 70% of Western mothers either said that "academic success is bad for their children" or "parents need to cultivate learning into an interesting point of view". In contrast, almost 0% of Chinese mothers have the same understanding. On the contrary, the vast majority of Chinese mothers said that they believe their children can be "the best" students and "successful mentors". If their children don't behave well in school, it means that something is wrong and parents can't do their jobs well. Other studies show that parents in China spend 65,438+00 times more time on their children's studies than parents in the West. In contrast, western children are more likely to join sports teams.

What Chinese mothers understand is that something is not fun until you are good at it. If you want to be good at one thing, you can only work hard, and children never take the initiative to work hard, so it is particularly important not to be influenced by their own preferences. This often requires parents to insist, because children will resist; Everything is difficult at the beginning, and western parents often give up at the beginning. However, if handled properly, the Chinese strategy can establish a virtuous circle. Perseverance in practice, practice and practice is the key to Excellence; Rote memorization is underestimated in America. Once a child begins to be good at something-math, piano, pitching (baseball) or ballet-he will be praised, envied and satisfied. These will build confidence and make once boring activities interesting. Besides, it will make it easier for parents to ask their children to make more efforts.

China's parents can do things that western parents can't. When I was a child, once-perhaps more than once-I showed great disrespect to my mother, and my father angrily called me "garbage" in Fujian dialect. That is very effective. I feel terrible and ashamed of my behavior. But it didn't hurt my self-esteem or anything like that. I know very well how much he values me. I don't really feel useless, and I don't feel like "garbage".

As an adult, I once took the same action when Sophia showed great disrespect to me, calling her garbage in English. I mentioned it at a dinner party and was immediately rejected. A guest named Marcy was so unhappy that she burst into tears and finally had to leave early. My friend Susan, who was also the hostess that day, tried to restore my reputation among the guests left behind.

In fact, China's parents can do things that westerners can't imagine, even things that are legally feasible. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, "Fat people-lose weight." In contrast, western parents have to carefully bypass the problem and only talk about "health" and not "obesity". And their children finally have to participate in the treatment of eating disorders and negative images. I once heard a western father raise a glass to his adult daughter, calling her "beautiful and amazing". Afterwards, my daughter told me that those words made her feel like garbage. )

China parents can tell their children to do things well, while western parents can only let their children do their best. China's parents can say, "You are so lazy. Your classmates have surpassed you. " In contrast, western parents have to struggle with their ambivalence about achievements, and then try to convince themselves not to be disappointed with their children's growth results.

I've been thinking for a long time about how China's parents can not be bound like this. I think there are three significant differences between China and western parents' concept patterns.

First of all, I noticed that western parents are extremely worried about their children's self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel when they fail, and constantly try to assure them how good they are, even in the face of mediocre exam results or concert performances. In other words, western parents care about their children's psychology. China's parents are not. They assume human strength, not vulnerability. As a result, their behaviors are different.

For example, if a child gets an A-in the exam, western parents are more likely to praise the child. Chinese mothers will gasp in horror and ask what is wrong. If the child gets a B, some western parents will still praise the child. There are other western parents who will let their children sit down to express their dissatisfaction, but they will be careful not to let their children feel incompetent or insecure. They will not call their children "stupid", "useless" or "shameful". Privately, these western parents may worry that their children just failed the exam, but they have the ability to learn the course well, or that the curriculum or even the whole school has problems. If children's grades don't improve, they may eventually arrange a meeting with the principal to question the teaching methods of the course or the qualifications of the teachers.

Suppose a child in China got a B-suppose a child wouldn't get it because of China-and with a scream, the mother would burst out with her hair torn. Chinese mothers who have been beaten will find dozens, maybe hundreds of test exercises, and then practice with their children until they get an A.

China's parents want perfect grades because they believe their children have this ability. If the child can't do it, China's parents will guess that it's because the child doesn't work hard enough. This is why the way to deal with unqualified grades is always to criticize, punish and humiliate children. China's parents think their children are strong enough to bear such humiliation and get rid of it. (When China's children behave well, parents will abuse a lot of self-improvement compliments at home. )

Secondly, China's parents think their children owe them everything. The reason for this idea is not very clear, but it may stem from two points: Confucian filial piety and many sacrifices and efforts made by these parents for their children. (Mothers in China do try their best to participate in children's counseling, practice, inquiry and monitoring for a long time. In any case, children in China must devote their whole lives to obeying their parents and make them proud to repay them.

In contrast, I don't think most westerners hold the same view that children always owe their parents. My husband Jed actually has the opposite view. Once he said to me, "Children don't choose their parents. They didn't even choose to be born. It is parents who impose their lives on their children, so it should also be parents' responsibility to raise their children. Children owe their parents nothing. Their responsibility lies with their children. " These make me feel that what western parents get is bad business.

Thirdly, China's parents think they know what is best for their children, so they have overturned all their own wishes and preferences. That's why China's daughter can't have a boyfriend in high school, and why China's children can't go camping all night. This is why no child in China dares to say to his mother, "I have a role in the school play! I play villager number six. I have to stay at school for rehearsal from 3: 00 to 7: 00 every day, and I have to go to rehearsal by car on weekends. " Only God can help China children who dare to do so.

Don't get me wrong: it's not that China parents don't care about their children. On the contrary. They can give up everything for their children. These are just completely different parenting models.

I have a good story about coercion here, with Chinese flavor. Lulu is about 7 years old. She has played two musical instruments and is practicing a piano piece called Little White Donkey, which is a work by French composer Jacques Yi Beier. This song is very cute, which can make you imagine a little donkey and its owner walking on a country road, but it is incredibly difficult for young players to master it, because both hands have to play the rhythm of schizophrenia.

Lulu can't do it naturally. We worked nonstop for a week, practicing each hand over and over again. But as long as we try to put our hands together, one will always become the other, and then the whole trajectory will be disrupted. Finally Lulu angrily announced that she would give up the day before the next class, and then stomped away.

"Go back to your piano at once," I ordered.

"You can't let me do this."

"Oh, I can."

Back on the piano, Lulu made me pay the price. She beat and kicked. She grabbed the music and tore it to pieces. I glued the music again and put a plastic bag on it to prevent it from being torn again. Then I dragged Lulu's dollhouse into the car and told her that if she couldn't play Little White Donkey perfectly by tomorrow, I would donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece. When Lulu said, "I thought you went to the Salvation Army? Why are you still here? " At that time, I threatened her not to eat lunch, dinner, Christmas or Hanukkah gifts, or have a birthday party for two or three or four years. When she continued to make a mistake, I told her that it was deliberately driving herself crazy, because she was privately afraid that she couldn't do it. I told her to put aside laziness and cowardice, stop letting herself go and stop pretending to be pathetic.

Jed pulled me aside. He told me not to insult Lulu again-but I didn't treat her like that, I was just encouraging her-and he thought it was useless to threaten Lulu. Besides, he said that maybe Lulu just can't master this skill-maybe she doesn't have the coordination ability yet-have I considered this possibility?

"You don't believe her," I scolded.

"That's ridiculous," Jed said discontentedly. "Of course I believe it."

"Sophia was able to play this passage at her age."

"But Lulu and Sophia are two different people," Jed said.

"Oh, no, that's not true," I said, rolling my eyes. "Everyone has his own unique way," I sarcastically imitated. "Every loser has his own unique way. Don't worry, you don't even have to lift a finger. I am willing to stick to it all the time, and I am willing to play the role of being hated. You can be loved by them because you can make pancakes for them and take them to the Yankees game. "

I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used all the weapons and strategies I could think of. We worked hard from dinner until evening. I am not allowed to stand up, drink water or even go to the toilet. The house became a war zone, and my voice was hoarse, but there was still no progress, so that I began to tremble.

However, without warning, Lulu did it. Suddenly, her hands can play together-her right hand and left hand can finish their parts quietly by themselves.

Lulu and I realized at the same time. I held my breath. After a little hesitation, she tried again. Then she played it again more confidently and quickly, and the rhythm was still playing. After a while, she showed a bright smile.

"Mom, look-how simple it is!" After that, she will play this piece over and over again without leaving the piano. At night, she slept in my bed, and we hugged and laughed. A few weeks later, when she performed "Little White Donkey" at a concert, her parents came up to me and said, "This is really the perfect part of Lulu-full of energy, very Lulu."

Even Jed owes me. Western parents are very worried about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, the worst thing you can do to their self-esteem is to make them give up. On the other hand, nothing can increase your confidence more than mastering what you thought you couldn't do at first.

Some new books portray Asian mothers as scheming, indifferent and transformation-driven people who are indifferent to their children's real interests. Many people in China privately think that they care about their children and are willing to give up more for them than westerners, but they think that westerners are giving their children a bad result. I think this is a misunderstanding between both sides. All capable parents want to give their children the best. China people just have completely different views on how to do it.

Western parents try to respect their children's personality, encourage them to pursue their true passion, support their choices, and provide positive support and cultivation environment. In contrast, China people believe that the best way to protect children is to prepare them for the future, let them see what they can achieve, and arm them with skills, work habits and inner self-confidence, which no one can take away.