Sydney immigrants

The recently released Bohemian Rhapsody, the hardcore Oscar, is a musical biography. The film highly restored Quinn's legendary life, especially the lead singer Fred.

A biography of rock music from beginning to end makes me a little sad.

It may be hard for you to imagine that a rock star who conquered hundreds of millions of fans actually used drugs to relieve loneliness, used promiscuity to fill loneliness, used rudeness to cover up fear, and used injury to respond to injury.

In fact, Fred suffers from a typical "borderline personality disorder".

Don't be frightened by this medical term.

Marginal personality is actually a defect in personality. Take the movie as an example, you can understand it in one minute.

Fred's unpredictable mood is like his bohemian rhapsody, mixed with some operas, some classics, some metals and some madness.

Screenwriter peter morgan said in an interview: "This film shows all the greatness, weakness and uneasiness of Fred."

1, always feel inferior.

Fred's identity as an Asian immigrant, exaggerated buck teeth and the most unwilling homosexual identity.

He spent his whole life trying to escape from his "abnormal" self, and even gave all his property to his ex-wife after his death.

Because he believes that this is what a normal person would do.

2. Always lonely.

Fred is very afraid of being alone.

The mansion in the middle of the night, the moonlight is quiet, the cat is lying on the windowsill, and whisky is at hand. Freddie tried to seize every opportunity to talk and hug.

I seem to hear his heart say through the screen, please, don't be cold to me.

3, paranoid at every turn.

He is afraid of loneliness, but he doesn't know how to resist it.

So I held a crazy party, taking drugs and screwing around.

Fred finally woke up in the sad news of AIDS, but it was too late and his life would be over.

The personality defects of marginal personality are all entangled around the maintenance of "relationship", and they are both eager for and afraid of relationship.

Intimacy often determines a person's happiness.

Therefore, the happiness of marginal personality is often low.

In fact, everyone is more or less prone to borderline personality, and 99% of personality defects come from unhappy childhood.

What we lack in childhood, such as love, tolerance and companionship, will make us subconsciously look for it when we grow up.

Therefore, we are dressed as "adults", but our hearts are always unwilling to grow up.

We are willful and unreasonable, and want to get back the treatment that belongs to children in the way of children.

However, in the mature relationship of adults, this naivety becomes a bad temperament of lack of empathy and self-centeredness.

Wu Zhihong's ex-girlfriend Sydney is a psychologist who focuses on parent-child relationship.

She once revealed her unhappy childhood in her blog:

Parents dislike each other and want to leave each other. She became a hot potato and was thrown around. Later, as she grew up, she experienced her father's infidelity and her mother's suicide.

She said: "In the eyes of my friends, I am a self-righteous kid who has not yet evolved into an adult. I blog and answer questions. In essence, I am a child who wants sugar and wants to be recognized by others. "

Talking about his ex-girlfriend, Mr. Wu commented: "Beautiful, intelligent and emotional, and I like her very much. But we are too painful together, she is a marginal personality. "

Because I didn't get the attention of my parents when I was a child, I like to buy clothes of little girl type now. Reflected in interpersonal relationships, she always attracts others' attention by pretending to be smart and cute.

Teacher Wu wrote in the book: "Her parents didn't give it to her, and she was eager to get it from others. But no one wants to bear this weight, so everyone has some resistance to her request. "

Childhood trauma is a double mirror. We used to be victims in intimate relationships, but we became abusers in intimate relationships.

Su Mingyu in "Everything is OK" has been growing up under the "bullying" of her parents.

Because of family ties, she is obviously in a weak position. But in love, her attitude towards Shi Dongpo should always prevail.

Why?

Because of fear. I was injured too deeply, and the wound formed a hard scar, so it was difficult to restore softness.

There is a "zero-sum game" theorem in psychology, which means that one party's gains must mean the other party's losses.

In the world of marginal personality, relationship is the battlefield, and the battlefield only wins or loses.

Therefore, Su Mingyu has always been at arm's length in love, just trying to get rid of passivity and turn from defense to attack.

In her mind, there is no default win-win relationship.

Marilyn Monroe, a well-known Hollywood superstar, suffered a childhood trauma unheard of by ordinary people.

She was born without a father. When she grew up, her mother went to a mental hospital again. Little Monroe experienced 12 foster families and met all kinds of "parents".

"Love" her and rape her; Don't love her, throw her around like a toy.

When she grew up, she became a hot and sexy goddess. However, due to her sensitive and suspicious personality, she can't maintain a stable marriage relationship, although that is what she desperately wants.

She said: "I am selfish, impatient and insecure. I will make mistakes, lose my temper, and sometimes I will be difficult to get along with. But it is better to be unhappy alone than to be unhappy together. "

With the regret of three marriages, Monroe "committed suicide" in her bedroom on August 5, 1962/kloc-0. This peerless beauty was burdened with fate and died.

Even if you have tens of thousands of dollars, even if you have a beautiful appearance, you will eventually be ruined by your personality.

As we usually say, we obviously hold a good hand that can be "heaven and earth", but we play ourselves a loser.

So, are people with bad personalities doomed to failure?

Of course not.

Sydney once wrote in her blog: "I managed to escape, but at the same time I was seriously injured." Fortunately, I didn't give up saving myself, and I crossed the curse of wanting to die countless times. I am no longer being slaughtered, I have my own boundaries, and I am only responsible for myself. "

In fact, when Sydney wrote down every story she experienced, she also knew and reflected on herself.

The process of self-analysis and self-interpretation is the process of "detoxification" for personality. Because the premise of treating a disease is to know where the disease is first.

We can honestly ask people around us where we can improve and do better.

But I believe that more personality problems are caused by a knot in my heart, which is the key point.

And untie the knot in your heart is the only antidote.

Sun Li grew up in the shadow of her parents' quarrel and divorce. After my father left their mother and daughter, my mother worked as a salesman during the day and a cleaner at night, and her life was hard.

Sun Li used her whole youth to resent her father. She said that she would always fantasize about a picture: "I am rich, driving a sports car on the streets of Shanghai, and my father on the roadside is watching me, but I drove away ... I feel particularly wronged."

She is afraid to accept Deng Chao, because of the shadow of childhood, and she is afraid to move forward for the happiness that befalls her.

But her mother's words changed her. My mother said, "Just because he (Sun Li's father) gave you to me, I can forgive all his mistakes."

In fact, the mother just wants to tell her daughter that hatred will only make you uneasy.

Because hate is always a knot, which connects you with those unpleasant things and people. Only by letting go of all the emotions related to it can we really be cut off and get a new life.

Facts have proved that the best way to detoxify your personality is to let go of the past and forgive yourself.

Look at yourself. I used to feel extremely insecure. Before marrying her husband, he was transferred to the project department and needed to travel frequently.

In order to satisfy my sense of security, I make at least a dozen phone calls every day, and I am suspicious of meetings, entertainment or late-night hotels.

In fact, I know very well in my heart that he is not a slut, but "too capable." All doubts are groundless.

Later, I asked myself, what did you get from this relationship except fear and quarrel?

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So are you going to end this relationship or change yourself?

Change yourself, of course.

I looked up a lot of psychological knowledge. I gradually understand that all the problems stem from my ignorance of how to establish a healthy relationship with others. Because I care, I always want to grasp and press hard.

A comfortable relationship should be relaxed. People need freedom and breathing. Otherwise it will be like quicksand. The tighter you hold it, the faster it will flow.

I heard a psychologist say that love and understanding are the winning secrets to protect intimate relationships. I am convinced.

Now, I just call to remind him that it's cold, put on clothes and eat on time.

Oscar Wilde said that one can't hide a poisonous snake in his chest forever. In my opinion, if a poisonous snake is destined to be there, the only way to prevent it from hurting itself is to shake hands with it.

Many people think that borderline personality is a rare special personality.

Actually, it is not.

In life, some people are always suffering from loss in love, fearing that their lover will cheat and that they will be abandoned; Some people find fault in the workplace, whether for themselves or others, a little mistake will lead to hysteria; There are also people who cry blood in their hearts, either blindly making love or blindly taking it. ......

These are actually manifestations of borderline personality, but they are different in form and degree.

But in this era of "fast but not broken", the time cost is getting higher and higher.

No one has extra energy to deal with complicated interpersonal relationships, and no one has extra patience to take care of the bad emotions of people around them.

Personality is so important to us, but we seldom study how to optimize it.

Li Ka-shing said in an interview that planting habits create character; Cultivate character and achieve destiny.

It can be seen that personality can be corrected through deliberate practice. We might as well learn from Sydney, release ourselves and express ourselves through writing and communication; Like me, I can actively overcome and save the relationship after discovering the problem; You can learn from Sun Li, let go of the past and forgive yourself.

What makes people sigh is that we often let bad temper destroy intimate relationships and hurt our loved ones; Or very rude, simply put the blame on the family; Or give up on yourself and continue to spoil yourself.

Teacher Yi Shu once said that the more unloved people are, the more they should love themselves.

This battle is reconciliation with oneself, and only reconciliation can cure it.

Typesetting: Qi Ran

Editor in charge: Huncui

Internship Editor: Liu Ye Lao Ni

Proofreading: willow leaves chatter endlessly

About the author of the article: nursery rhymes, a pen and a piece of paper.