You must be very ill after being a "good person" for so long.

Last month, the company brought in a group of new interns, including a girl named Mariko, who is really a good girl. Great, I have thanked the recruiter for her impulse several times and thanked her for bringing us such a good "welfare"!

On the first day, Mariko arrived half an hour early, and then wiped everyone's desk in the department.

At lunch time, Mariko will ask you if you want to bring food for everyone. Han Duoduo joked that he wanted a subway, but the girl really ran away and bought it for him station by station.

Other interns are worried about failing the exam. She is like a filial mother, working overtime and staying up late.

I coughed twice during training, and the next day she brought me a big bag of boat-fruited Sterculia.

Colleagues said that Hunting Field was unhappy when it was advertised. In the afternoon, she opened a member of iQiyi, and * * * enjoyed her account.

Say, what can I enjoy more than having such a colleague around me? If there is, there must be a dozen.

Yes, she's really nice! Too good to pass the internship exam.

To tell you the truth, I really hesitate to give her another chance. For a moment, if I turned her down, I would feel like an ungrateful little man.

Bart, fighting ability in the workplace, the company stresses the system.

She came to me the day she left her job: "I know why I failed in the exam." I think about how to be good to others almost all the time. "

"But no one asked you to be nice to them."

"I know, but I just can't be nice to others, as if I was born to owe others. Sister Miao, is this a disease? "

Always put the needs of others first.

Never say no to others.

Always strive for everyone's approval.

Try to make everyone happy except yourself.

......

A "good man" has done so much, you must be very tired.

In fact, what "good people" are best at is not to make others happy at all, but to make themselves feel very painful, pitiful and powerless.

With all due respect, this is a masochistic obsessive-compulsive disorder.

02

What makes everyone laugh is that I was a "good man" before I became a living thing.

My favorite thing at that time was to log on to QQ every day to see whose birthday it was, and then send my best wishes as soon as possible.

Every time I go shopping and see some novel gadgets, I wonder who should like them.

When others are chatting, I seldom interrupt and keep smiling like a fool.

When I date someone, I worry about whether my clothes will annoy them.

Every time I said good AA system, I successfully grabbed the right to check out and ended it smoothly.

Many people get together, and I'm not only worried that someone will be left out, but even take extra care of the waiter's mood.

If someone doesn't reply to my WeChat, my memory will start a carpet search, worrying about whether I have done something to make the other person unhappy.

I always put the needs of others first. I try to make everyone happy except myself. I am afraid of conflicts and conflicts with anyone. I never say "no" to others ...

Crazy, I suspect that I have a "good guy" virus in my head, and my life is completely controlled by this virus system.

Do you think that everyone must be very moved by my dedication to the happiness of everyone under the sun?

No, the result is heartbreaking!

At the beginning of New Year's Day last year, I went to dinner with several colleagues in the company. Everyone pushed the order. I thought there were more girls that day, so I decided to have an oily wheat dish.

I feel like crying when I think of someone else in my heart all the time!

Everyone thanks me? No, nobody asked me what I wanted.

I care about everyone's feelings, okay? I decided to give everyone some oily wheat dishes, okay? I'm ready to check out, okay? Ask me if I will get pregnant?

However, nobody asked me. Nobody saw me.

I realized for the first time that if you are always eager for others' approval and always eager to be a "good person", your interpersonal relationship will no longer be true.

You will be seen as a plane photo, not a three-dimensional, plump and multifaceted flesh and blood. You will gradually become a small transparent existence.

03

Many times, in our "good man" mode, there is a deep fear of negative emotions. We are afraid of rejection, abandonment, conflict and confrontation, criticism and anger. ...

We are not "good people", we are a group of please patients.

Most of our groups are divided into three types. Come and sit in the corresponding seats!

1, recognizing "good people"

You need and must work hard to make everyone like you. You believe that flattery can protect you from rejection and unfriendly treatment.

2. Habitual "good guy"

You need everyone's approval. You will do a lot for others and hardly say "no".

3. Emotional escape from "good people"

You avoid all difficult emotions, don't know how to deal with conflicts effectively, and don't know how to express your anger.

As an experienced good man, I want to say that although we have been trying to make everyone happy, we seldom satisfy ourselves, and we often feel guilty and helpless. Therefore, we try harder to please others.

If the driving force of habitual behavior is more to avoid painful or negative things than to win beneficial or positive things, then compulsive habits will become addictive.

04

In order to be a good person, I am too good at suppressing my emotions for a long time. I forced myself not to talk. I would rather not pay attention to myself than satisfy others. I would rather spend a lot of time and money than have a conflict with others.

Yes, I've really had enough.

Since that meal, I really decided to repent and concentrate on practicing.

Blake put forward the tool of "Pleasure Triangle" in his book Pleasure Syndrome.

Fortunately for Coca-Cola, as long as we make a little change at any point, it will affect the change of the whole triangle.

At the level of thinking, what we need to do is to let go of three beliefs:

Emotionally, we need to face up to our inner fear of conflict, because many times we are just afraid that the possibility and severity of conflict will be extreme.

Behavior adjustment is very simple, just say "no".

At the same time, compared with these, I found a more effective method for me. What if you suddenly want to try to be a "bad guy"?

Then, I think the whole painting style of my life has changed:

As soon as my colleague next to me shivered, he opened my desk. I said, "Aren't you tired of shaking all the time?"

We agreed to have lunch together, but forgot to give me a fixed fee. I yelled at the group, "Those who don't give money quickly."

The chairs in the conference room were all nervous, so I quickly ran in and sat down: "The first one who came has a seat, and then I will be punished."

I was annoyed when the sales manager talked to me. I asked, "Why do I feel particularly disrespected every time I talk to you?"

"Do you mind if I temporarily occupy the conference room you reserved?"

"I mind."

"I'm late. Can I have a card? "

"I can't."

"Do you want to add me to WeChat and see our products?"

"I don't want to."

I just want to say that it feels so good to be a "bad guy"!

Paradoxically, when I become my true self, there is no "danger" as I imagined.

Yesterday, many invoices were needed to reimburse the expenses of the company's tenth anniversary activities. I just said something casually in the group, and the desk was full of invoices in the afternoon.

Rollo next to him said, "Damn it, why are you so good to everyone?"

"Maybe it's because I hate it so much. They want me to get away with it. "

Rollo said, "Bullshit, everyone likes you very much."

"I just bully you, and you still like me, pervert!"

"Yes, what I like most about you is that you dare to say. I feel very happy every time I see you say something we dare not say! "

Wow, I was ready to bear the sad reminder of "bad guys", but I didn't expect people around me to really like it.

I finally understand why no one liked me before-just because I was so nice!

Just like Jane Austen's subtle description of "good": "She is just a kind-hearted and warm-hearted young woman; It's hard for us to hate her because we don't care about her at all. "

To some extent, being a "good person" does make us feel better, but isn't comfort reserved for the dead? Will anyone really like the dead?

The process of "projecting identity" in psychology is the process of teaching others how to treat you.

So, instead of complaining that people around you ignore you and don't care about you, think about how you taught them to treat you like this.

No one is born to please, please is just an acquired behavior. If we can learn it, we can change it.

Even a fool like me has done it, so can you.

The ends of the earth, forever, waiting for you to smash the cup for the number!