Old and modern jokes about language

Once upon a time, there was a scholar whose son was very stupid, but the scholar loved to save face and was also very poor. Once, the scholar's relatives came to visit his home. So the scholar taught his son: "When guests come, you must speak politely and appear knowledgeable. If the guest asks about the tree in front of your house, say it is not ready to sell. If the guest asks about the rockery behind your house, say If people look at our granary, they will say that it was all earned by our parents’ hard work. If a guest asks about the scholar’s ??certificate on the wall, they will say that every generation of our family has to produce it. One.

So he asked his son to memorize these questions in three days. When the guests came, the scholar asked his son to entertain the guests alone in order to show off his son, and he hid when the guests asked. Where is your father? The son replied in sequence, "It's not a good year, it's sold." The guest was surprised and asked, "Where's your mother? She was buried in the ground." When the guest saw that he was talking nonsense, he pointed at the cow dung and said, "It's not small, but it's a pity that it's cow dung." "The son hurriedly said that these are all earned by the hard work of his parents. The guest couldn't stand it anymore and asked, are you the son of a scholar? Why are you so stupid? The scholar's son hurriedly said, "What's wrong with every generation in our family?" Everyone has to have one! Once upon a time, there was an old man named Zhu. One day, a pig-feeding man came to Mr. Zhu’s house. Mr. Zhu said to the pig-feeding man: "Our family is Zhishuda." Li's family, you also need to know the rules here... My surname is Zhu... and you are a pig feeder... so you have to call me your master or master... You can't call me eating when you eat, you can't call me dining when you sleep. When we talk about sleep, we talk about going to bed... When we are sick, we talk about illness. When we recover, we talk about recovery. When bad people die, we talk about execution... When good people die, we talk about death..." and so on. I confessed a lot... One day... the pigs in Mr. Zhu's house got swine fever... The boy hurriedly reported to the master... Suddenly he remembered what the master had told him... and said: "Thank you, master." .. Our end, the owner of the other end, is sick. I tell him not to eat. I tell him to go to bed, but he doesn’t go to bed. I think it will be difficult to recover... I think I will put him to death... "

When Mr. Zhu heard this... he almost lost his temper... When the clerk saw Mr. Zhu's expression, he was so frightened that he hurriedly said: "Master... if you don't plan to execute Then my master... let him die..." The monkey picked up a card, so he climbed to the branch to see what card it was. Unexpectedly, a lightning struck it, and the monkey cried and said: "It turns out to be ' IP' (smashed) stuck." A certain gentleman urinated in an empty Sprite bottle while driving in a hurry. He ran out of the car during a traffic jam and tried to throw the bottle into the trash can. He was stopped by a dedicated patrolman. What was left in the bottle? Sprite, take a sip and show it to me! The cannibal father and son were hunting. The son captured a thin man and his father said: "Leave it alone, there is no meat!" His son captured a fat man again and his father said: "Leave it alone, his son is too tired!" Another beautiful woman was captured, and her father said: Take her home and eat your mother at night!

1. A beautiful woman occupied the ATM for a long time and kept typing out a receipt while I waited in line behind her. I was getting impatient, so I looked over and saw that the screen showed: "Insufficient balance". I saw that the girl was still pressing the withdrawal button, collecting the printed receipts one by one. Five minutes passed, and I saw this beautiful girl rushing to the public toilet with a bunch of bank receipts.

2. At the teacher's appreciation banquet, a classmate said to the teacher: "Good teacher, I must." Here’s to you! You are so kind to me. Every time you finish a question, you are the first to ask me if I understand. "The teacher said: "Actually, I think that if you understand, everyone will understand..."

3. I just finished taking a shower and was drying my hair, and my phone rang! Let my mother answer it for me first. After a while... I saw my mother picking up the phone and looking at the screen, and shouted "Dad!" with a silvery laugh. "... Then he was stunned for 3 seconds and quickly threw the phone to me! I was also stunned at the time... I picked up the phone and said, "Hello? Grandpa! "...Then...

I heard my dad's lonely voice on the other end of the phone: "Who are you?"

4. Cats are very delicate. In the afternoon at a friend's house, her cat lay sleeping behind my butt. I drank too much beer. I accidentally farted on the cat's head. As a result, the cat stood up with a squeal, fluttered its hands in front of its eyes a few times, fell backwards, passed out, and stood up straight. It scared dad to death. . . My friend quickly carried him to the pet hospital. Later, my friend called and said that he was diagnosed with alcoholism and asked me to visit and apologize to the cat.

5. A friend lent me 500 yuan and didn’t pay it back for a long time, and I was too embarrassed to ask for it. So every time we went to KTV to sing, I would order "Your Backpack", and at the last line I would sing to him affectionately: "Why don't you return something you borrowed?" He applauded me without knowing it: " He sang so well." I'm speechless...

6. I was sitting in the last row in the Chinese language class in junior high school and playing poker with a classmate. It was boring. I took a handful of three old kings and said, run five laps. He said, follow, plus ten turns. I glanced at him, are you sure? He said, sure, plus breakfast tomorrow morning. I said, open. You show your cards first. He shot a JQK straight. I show three old kings and you lose. He stood up suddenly, pointed at me and said, "Teacher, he plays poker in class."

7. A grandma who has been smoking for most of her life said: "Granddaughter, never marry someone who has quit smoking." I was very puzzled and asked her why. She said: "Men who have quit smoking are cruel! Think about it, even if you quit smoking, you still can't do anything!" After hearing this, the grandfather said to his grandson: "You must not be successful in losing weight when looking for a partner. A woman! If a woman can even control her mouth, what can she not do?"~

8. A man on the bus was waiting for an opportunity to steal a female passenger's necklace. The moment the bus stopped, With lightning speed, he grabbed her necklace and rushed to the back door to escape, but the back door did not open... because the driver stopped not because he had arrived at the stop, but because the light was red!

9. One day I went shopping for treasures in an antique store. The shop owner had a keen eye and saw that I was a stickler. So, after a conversation that made me faint, he boldly said: "Look at them, they are all genuine!" I slowly turned to a pile of bronzes and suddenly saw a bronze bust of Chairman Mao, which was old-fashioned but very imposing. foot. Holding it in the palm of my hand and playing with it, I discovered that under the bronze statue there was also written: "Imperial System in the Year of Qianlong."

10. Received a call from a scammer: "Mr. "Hello, I'm not the Mr. xxx you're looking for." "We have a lot of summonses. Please tell me your name and I'll check if the staff made a mistake." "My surname is Mr. Cao." ." "My name is Cao Nima" beep...

11. If a fat girl starts to gain weight and keeps buying clothes that are loose, cover the flesh, look slimming, and cover the buttocks and thighs, Then half a year later, she will still be a fat person; but if she bought short, tight, and one size smaller clothes from the beginning, then if you look at it, in half a year she will become...a very conspicuous fat person in the crowd. .

12. Students at the same desk always get distracted during class. One day during class, he secretly played with his mobile phone again, and was discovered by the head teacher who was patrolling outside the classroom. The class teacher took out his mobile phone and sent him a message: Why don't you pay attention to the class? The deskmate replied in confusion: Who are you? The head teacher sent him another text message: Look out the window. The classmate glanced out the window and replied: Thank you for reminding me, we will talk later, our class teacher is staring out the window! ! !

13. If I can’t get married, my brother comforts me like this: I believe that a tasteful and down-to-earth female diaosi like you, who listens to music and divine comedies, only watches idol dramas, will one day be able to marry. A tall, mighty, pure man wearing a thick gold necklace drives a motorcycle with a heavy bass and plays in the most dazzling ethnic style to marry you. . .

14. My buddy bought a 2-yuan ring and ran to the West Lake to act like he was rich and handsome. He pinched the diamond ring with his left hand and pretended to be hysterical on the phone with his right hand: "Are you really not going to marry me?" Do you really not want to be with me? Then break up! Never be together again! Then he made an extremely chic move - threw his cell phone into the lake.

”

15. Yesterday afternoon in the library, a boy’s cell phone rang. In order not to disturb everyone, he rushed out at a speed of 80 miles. However, the ringing of the cell phone did not stop, and the guy quickly I ran back and said, I forgot to bring my mobile phone...

16. I was eating in the restaurant, and suddenly I saw the smell of various perfumes on the other side. The diaosi couldn't stand it anymore, and she lost her appetite for food. Then she thought about it and finally took off her shoes... NND! Now everyone can't eat anymore...

17. One day, I was sitting next to a strange aunt on the bus. When her cell phone rang, she answered the phone and said cheerfully: "Ah, I'm not free this morning!" I have to accompany Huihui to the hospital for an abortion! "The crowded car became quiet for an instant... I glanced at the aunt beside me, and when I turned back, I found that everyone in the car was staring at me. But I am really not Huihui.

18 , the company was recruiting, but unexpectedly, it recruited a top-notch beauty. The company was a stick figure who always liked to flirt with women. One day, in front of the beauty, the second-girl girl said a loud "um hum" twice. The beauty was very kind! She said understandingly: Do you have a cold? The sexy girl nodded excitedly: "Then you can stay as far away from me as possible...!" Colleagues laughed collectively. .

19. The couple were shopping and while walking, they discussed the issue of sexual harassment. The husband suddenly reached out and quickly touched his wife's breasts, and then asked: "Is this considered sexual harassment?" The wife was furious and said to her husband: "Please! You are outside now!" The husband looked confused and asked his wife: "How far should you reach?" Does it count inside? ”

20. I’m really helpless~ Dad didn’t come home until after twelve o’clock in the evening, but I clearly remembered that he went out to walk the dog in the afternoon! Don't answer the phone! Mom is also very angry! So he armed himself and went out to find his father. When I finally found it in the mahjong parlor, I was looking at the dog with my face full of mistakes. I was squatting in my father’s arms and looking at the cards attentively...

21. At noon, there were thousands of troops and thousands of arrows in the cafeteria for lunch. Fa rushed towards the cafeteria like this. One day, the two brothers finally rushed to the front. Suddenly A tripped on a staircase in the cafeteria and his lunch box fell to the side. B immediately turned to look at A with concern. A raised his head and said: "Leave me alone! Run." ! ! Remember to give me some paper after lunch.”

22. When I came to this company for an interview just after graduating from college, the boss said to me seriously: Although the salary is not much, you can do it. Gaining rapid growth here is the most important thing for young people. Now, two years later, my boss did not lie to me. I already look like a 40-year-old man.

23. That day when Xiao Wang was squeezing into the bus, a short and fat woman beside him swayed and stepped on his foot. The woman turned around and asked, "Did it hurt you to step on you?" Seeing her feeling so guilty, Xiao Wang felt hot in his heart, so he shook his head in embarrassment and said, "It doesn't hurt too much." As soon as he finished speaking, the woman immediately said excitedly: " Haha, so my weight loss is finally effective! These days, I have stepped on many people's feet, but you are the only one who said it doesn't hurt very much.

24. During the afternoon break, a petite beauty was in the class. Wiping the blackboard. Because she was not tall, there was a large area that could not be wiped even when standing on tiptoes. The way she tried so hard aroused my protective desire! Without saying anything, I walked up and said to her kindly: " Let me help you. She looked very touched and said, "Thank you." "Then I put my arms around her waist and lifted her up.

25. Nowadays, many people refer to "zi" as "paper". A female classmate often acted cute like this, so one day, The woman was reading in the library after catching a cold and ran out of paper towels. She texted her roommate and said, "Bring two packs of paper when you come over." "After a while, my roommate came over, holding two buns in his hand...

26. One night in the self-study class in college, I wanted to make a fool of my classmate. I stuck a piece of paper behind him , a pig was drawn on the paper. There was a very fat girl at the table behind him. When the fat girl saw it, she laughed loudly and loudly. The monitor asked her why she was laughing.

The fat girl smiled and pointed at the monitor and said: "There is a pig behind you..."

27. Yesterday, I went to the university opposite the company to watch the relay competition of the student sports meeting, and I saw a boy flying forward hard. Ben, when the baton was about to be handed over, a teacher in the front row of me yelled: "Hold on! Hold on! Hold on!" Then the two boys paused, looked at each other and considered for half a second, and then hugged each other. Kissed together...

28. Last night, the dormitory guys had just fallen asleep. Suddenly the phone rang. The guy closest to the phone reluctantly got up to answer the phone. The other guys all said it was the dormitory. Whoever called the phone was picked up and thrown out of the dormitory. The phone was picked up amidst the scolding, and a shy boy's voice came from the other end of the phone: "Please call Wang Tingting." The buddy who answered the phone sneered and said quietly : "She's asleep!" Then hung up the phone and pulled out the line~~~

29. A female colleague of the company went out to eat at noon and left her mobile phone at the company. Then her husband kept talking on the phone, and a friend next to her was taking a nap after dinner and was annoyed by the ringing phone. After the phone rang for the Nth time, my buddy picked up the phone angrily and yelled, "We are sleeping and you keep calling us. Are you annoying us?" and then hung up. The phone stopped ringing, and an hour later, her husband appeared at the door of the company nonchalantly. . .

30. One day, in the middle of physical education class, I went to the bathroom to solve personal problems. As a result, I accidentally entered the men's restroom in a hurry. When I saw a boy peeing in the urinal, I was stunned. A second later, I was about to retreat quietly, but I was discovered and fainted. I saw the boy yelling "Rogue, indecent" and then covering his chest with his hands. Later, I said something that even I found incredible: "Classmate, you covered the wrong place...".